Relating with the relations- need objective opinions re: in-laws

[Guest]

Say one of your spouse's siblings lives out of state. The are able to visit once a year. This sibling sends out an e-mail to all the other siblings that they are coming for a visit, and would like a gathering with siblings only. No spouses, no kids. What would your reaction be?

[beefche]

I'd be baffled. I can understand no kids, but not sure why the no spouses.

[jayanna]

Ummm, are they dieing? Do they need to deliver some bad news?

Or are they talking like a lunch, or the entire trip? Lunch with just the siblings, sure. The entire visit without, no, that would be kinda silly. My Mil had a trip to Hawaii with her siblings I think, and that sounds like fun, but I gotta say it would be so much more fun with everyone!

At my wedding, we were taking pictures outside, and my bil says, "okay, one of just the family" so I stayed where I was until I realized he didn't mean me, he meant just him and his siblings that he grew up with. I had already thought of myself as 'family' and he didn't. I can tell you that it really hurt my feelings...I mean I did just change my name, gave up my family's name and took theirs, so ya know? and a year later his grandmother was doing the family history, and listed my hubby's ex wife, but not me, saying that second wives didn't count! That was a real blow for me considering the ex wife didn't stay faithful (or sober) at all, and they weren't married for long, but whatever, it's their rules in their own minds...nothing I can do about it.

[Bini]

I wouldn't jump the gun too fast without consulting this sibling first on their reasoning.. Don't know if you've done this.

The only thing I can possibly think of is that maybe this sibling is planning on footing the bill for whatever dinner/activity is planned and figures that the less attendees - the more affordable? I know, that's a bit of a wild guess but it could make sense.. Just paying for immediate family (siblings only) is much cheaper than paying for an entire group. You should probably inquire if you haven't already. As for my initial reaction, I'd just be a bit dumbfounded but not offended. In recent years, the females in the family will do the occasional Girls Only event and that excludes males (spouses) and the kiddos.. PS.. The family lives all over the place.. some in different states and some outside the country :]

[annewandering]

I understand the photos. Its like a growth chart. They were like this 20 years ago and now look at how they have changed.

Our family does a lot of photos of both kinds. I like the ones with my mom and her sisters. It is pretty cool. :)

[Guest]

It's just hanging out for an evening at the parents'. There will be one night where everyone is invited/expected to be there, and another night where spouses and children aren't welcome.

This is on the heels of many years of hurtful things said and done, especially concerning those of us who were married in and not born in, ranging from smaller like this to pretty huge and appalling. Divisiveness is pretty normal, but this is a new thing. I wondered if it was truly as weird as I was thinking, or if I'm overreacting because of the bad history. I think it's a little of both. :)

[mhsmd]

I wouldn't think much of it. There are things siblings talk about with each other that they may not be comfortable sharing with their siblings' spouses. It's just a special connection that siblings tend to make as they grow up together. I might have a problem if it were a visit of multiple days, and I wasn't invited to any of those days.

[NeuroTypical]

Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat after me:

Meh.

I don't give in-laws the power to hurt my feelings. If they wanna be all insensitive and hurtful, they can go foist it on someone who cares. And if they're just clueless about the things they do that are insensitive and hurtful, then how smart am I to sit there and be hurt by something they don't even realize they did? If hubby wants to go spend an evening with those people, fine with me. He can make it up to me later. I have dang little precious ability in the first place, to affect change in my spouse - I'm not going to bother wishing I could change everyone my spouse is related to.

[Guest]

LMM, you're always so helpful when it comes to reminding me that they're not worth the heartache. But this:

I don't give in-laws the power to hurt my feelings.

is something I've tried to accomplish for a decade and a half, and I've made a maddeningly small amount of progress.

[Dravin]

I'd be baffled. I can understand no kids, but not sure why the no spouses.

Adding to your list I'd probably ask why. Not in some sort of hyper suspicious manner, but out of true curiosity because I can picture some limited scenarios (in the hypothetical not the specific) where the request makes sense even if it was phrased a little weird and read, "No-spouses."

Edited May 16, 2012 by Dravin

[beefche]

It's just hanging out for an evening at the parents'. There will be one night where everyone is invited/expected to be there, and another night where spouses and children aren't welcome.

This is on the heels of many years of hurtful things said and done, especially concerning those of us who were married in and not born in, ranging from smaller like this to pretty huge and appalling. Divisiveness is pretty normal, but this is a new thing. I wondered if it was truly as weird as I was thinking, or if I'm overreacting because of the bad history. I think it's a little of both. :)

What does your spouse, the blood sibling, think of this? Is this a normal thing for his family? Or does he think this is a little odd as well?

[Guest]

Think about it this way... whether it's regular or not... yeay! You don't have to deal with the in-laws that day!!!

[Guest]

What does your spouse, the blood sibling, think of this? Is this a normal thing for his family? Or does he think this is a little odd as well?

Both. It's not surprising to him that this particular sister would suggest such a thing, but he can't imagine what she's hoping to gain or accomplish.