How do I deal with double standards?

[knightsilver]

Im pretty close to sending the wife packing. Been married over 10 years. That first 10 years I was passive, just to avoid fights.

Wife has always had an attitude, and its feels like Im married to a 14 year old. Till last summer, I always put her needs before mine & passive. It always felt that I did 150% of the relationship, and talking, her needs, keeping a job and the house stuff. All she dose is watch TV, whens she's not in school.

About the only time I get her attention, is when she's needing something. She always gets an attitude when I ask her to do or not do something, most of the time, Im calm and relaxed about it, till she gets an attitude. Ive never liked or been patient with people that are controlling, double standard or have an attitude or lazyness problem.

She has never showd restraint with her attitude, its always been her way or the highway.

Why should I continue to do for her, when she dosent do for me, its been a long time since I felt wanted, not just relied on or needed. Im burnt out and feel lonely for the past 10 years, and its getting to me..........

[ClickyClack]

Counseling.... you get it, she gets it, you both get it together.

[NeuroTypical]

got kids?

[knightsilver]

no.

Weve also tried counseling more than a few times(at least 7-12 different times). Its OK for a month ot two, than back to her attitude. SHe's only nice when Im passive.

Edited July 8, 2012 by knightsilver

[applepansy]

no.

Weve also tried counseling more than a few times(at least 7-12 different times). Its OK for a month ot two, than back to her attitude. SHe's only nice when Im passive.

Go back to counseling. With all due respect we only have one side here.

Selfishness has no place in a relationship. Being passive is a way of being selfish. You're protecting yourself. Being interdependent is the goal. Her behavior is just as selfish. Both of you should be giving 150% and then neither of you will feel taken advantage of.

[Dove]

Hello, Knightsilver;

It sounds like you're really unhappy...perhaps something to take a look at.....

Some suggestion, ideas.....You can't change anyone but yourself, It's up to you how much of your energy you want to expend in this relationship....Letting go of what you expect from others is usually always good. I remember the scriptures in Mosiah that teach one not to deny the beggar because one believes' he doesn't deserve our help; but, to only deny the beggar if we don't have the resources to give him what he wants/needs. Boundaries set in firm kindness may work....I don't suggest judging your wife for not giving enough in your relationship; but, judging yourself as to what you can/cannot give.

I would suggest loving and taking care of yourself enough to draw closer to the Spirit to learn how to love and take care of your wife in His way, not yours. You may be surprised at what He shows you to do to resolve your unhappiness in your marriage....

[Misshalfway]

[quote name=knightsilver;681515

Why should I continue to do for her' date=' when she dosent do for me, its been a long time since I felt wanted, not just relied on or needed. Im burnt out and feel lonely for the past 10 years, and its getting to me..........

It sounds like this is a very painful relationship. And it sounds like you are reaching a breaking point. It hurts so much not to feel wanted or to feel that your needs don't matter much to your partner.

I'm an advocate of marriage and tend to believe that even severe scenarios can turn around if both partners are teachable, but I also believe that it's ok to say "I'm done" sometimes.

If I may ask....what stops you from ending the relationship?

It sounds like you have tried therapy. I can't imagine how hard it might be to reconsider doing therapy again when all you've tried hasn't helped. But there is a marriage therapy out there that might be a good last resort. Maybe you've tried it, I don't know. But it's called "Emotionally Focused Therapy". Most marital therapies can claim a good 45% success rate. EFT is more like 75-83% success rate. So, it's worth a look see.

It was created by a woman named Susan Johnson. It's not a therapy that is focused on problem solving, negotiation of issues, or changing each other's personality. It's a therapy based upon the attachment processes that either interfere with or promote adult bonding. In short, the therapy helps each partner understand the PROCESS with which they use to stay safe in the relationship. The therapist is more like a process consultant rather than a mediator or counselor...if that makes sense. They help people break negative cycles and reestablish safer and more satisfying interactions.

Based upon what you've shared so far about the way you avoid and placate, and the way she controls and withholds, it appears that the two of you are in a classic negative cycle. No wonder you feel you needs aren't being met. No wonder you feel like connection is impossible. If you continue the cycle, it probably will remain a painful stalemate. So, if you are interested in taking a last shot at therapy, finding an EFT therapist in your area could prove fruitful.

Just for kicks, you could try Susan Johnson's self help book. It's entitled, "Hold Me Tight". It explains negative cycles, attachment processes, and gives 7 conversations that teach couples how to heal, forgive, and bond. It isn't very expensive.

[Eleven]

I like to use a kind of reverse strategy when solving things with my wife.

Her whole family is very volcanic, she was grown and raised as the youngest also, so sometimes she can be a hot head lol. So solving things sometimes, you really have to get good at how articulate you are with your words.

for example, dont say "whats wrong with you, why do you always have an attitude?!?!?"

try "hey, is something im doing bothering you? you seem extremely distant and annoyed at me, and i want to make sure everything is ok."

This doesnt solve the problem, but it brings attention to the fact that you see something is obviously wrong.

Just like another member said, we only have one side of the story.. maybe she is mad at you for some reason? Whatever it may be, communication is the key.

Also, memories. Sometimes its nice to sit back for a second and look at some old pictures.. wedding pics.. talk about the good ol days. Sometimes experiences like this trigger thoughts of "how the heck did our marriage get here?" and then the caring attitude of -lets solve this- comes out.

The best advice though.. Pray and fast. We only know one side of the story, you and your wife may only be seeing one side without knowing it, But God is omniscient. Some say "i pray so much and dont get anything back" Well pray harder! pray longer! Its your wife for heavens sake lol.

hope this helps

[Guest]

Was she this way when you got married? It's probably her communication style that you never understood because of your passivity.

And, it could be that she doesn't understand your communication style either, so she doesn't know that her communication style is not getting her point across and so she has no impetus to figure out how to change. This is all she knows. It's her way of dealing with things. She's probably just as frustrated with you as you are of her.

And I got a newsflash for you... it is very common that a husband/wife does something for his/her spouse expecting praise and pat-in-the-backs when the thing didn't do anything for the spouse. Perfect example... my husband used to buy me jewelry - diamond earings, jeweled watches, etc. Well, guess what, I don't wear jewelry. I think it's a useless piece of junk, so when I open the box of earings I think to myself... "There you go again... $2,000 down the drain when we could have spent that money hiring a maid to do my hated laundry...". See what I'm saying? Of course, when my husband bought me jewelry, I prompty say, "Thank you, husband, you are such a kind man" because I see that my husband truly doesn't know that jewelry doesn't do anything for me and that he thinks it is a grand expression of his love for me. If I don't ever say anything, he'll continue to get me jewelry. Fortunately, we have a pretty good communication lane that I feel comfortable telling my husband, "I don't like jewelry..." and him not take it as "I don't like that you try to show me you love me". Because, after a while of jewelry after jewelry with me expecting him to just "get it" that I don't like jewelry, I'll eventually get frustrated that he still doesn't know me after... 10 years or whatever. So, it's better that on week 1 of marriage, I can be comfortable telling him... don't buy me jewelry, hire me a maid instead, then we understand each other better.

[Bini]

You said that both of you have done counseling, in which case, I'm sure the whole "communication" thing has been discussed and re-discussed over and over again. So I'm not going to repeat that. But Applepansy makes a great point. Both spouses should give 100% and then some but it doesn't always workout that way, in fact, in most cases it probably falls short. One person gives more, and one person takes more. Part of what makes a marriage successful and happy, is having the mindset and desire to genuinely serve your spouse, and without expectations of receiving anything in return. From what you shared, it seems that by being "passive" you were able to avoid certain conflicts but not necessarily serve your wife. Service goes a long way, leaps and bounds. Start with a change of heart, try to hold that pointing finger back and continue to serve your wife in an unconditional and loving way. That doesn't mean taking a backseat. It means being proactive in communication and doing all that is in your power to enrich your relationship. There's always exceptions, always, but for most people, when an act of kindness comes their way - it's hard to not want to genuinely return it. I know that my husband's example to me (when I've lost my cool) inspires me to WANT to be a better person.

[Jean]

You've got some great advice here. I only have one piece to add. Heavenly Father can make such a huge difference. When I was having difficulty with my marriage, I would put our names in the temple. I would pray for Heavenly Father to help me be and do better. Gradually our marriage changed. It wasn't overnight and I certainly had to use patience. But it changed.

Gentlesoul

[tumbledquartz]

If you've read my posts, you know I'm no marriage expert. :-P But I do know a few things.

First of all, I used to be a lot like your wife, and I discovered after a lot of failed attempts at counseling, that I had serious depression, and bipolar. I also was chronically low on thyroid. Not saying your wife has any of the above; just that there may be things going on that aren't so much in her control, such as chemical and/or hormonal imbalances. It may not be helpful to bring this up (seriously, it most likely will make her defensive) but it may help you to be more patient if you know there might be more going on than it seems on the surface.

Secondly, your wife probably never learned to ask for what she needs. What I learned from my mom was that if you aren't happy with your spouse, you should sulk, give him stony silence, complain about him to others, and be sarcastic and rude. And then he probably still won't get that he hurt you, which just "proves" that he is an insensitive jerk, or whatever.

Obviously very dysfunctional, right? But I learned it basically by osmosis, and didn't know any other way. It's been an amazing discovery for me to learn that you can just say, "that really hurt my feelings when you did/said (whatever). Did you really mean it that way?" A lot of times, he really didn't.

I know this might sound like all the same ol' communication drill, but I really truly believe that if you do what "Eleven" said and just ask her what's wrong and what you can do to help, and that if you did anything to hurt her, you didn't mean to and you're sorry, and if you tell her that it's safe for her to tell you when you do something hurtful (and then not get upset with her when she tells you) and if you do all this consistently, she will start to feel better, and therefore she will treat you better.

I heard someone say once that it's hard to hug a porcupine, and I'm sure that's what it feels like you're being called on to do, but from your wife's reactions, I'm almost positive that she is lashing out because she doesn't know any other way to tell you she's hurting and needs a hug, literally or figuratively. Or both. ;-)

[alucarD1975]

no.

Weve also tried counseling more than a few times(at least 7-12 different times). Its OK for a month ot two, than back to her attitude. SHe's only nice when Im passive.

No kids... Cut bait save your money on that counseling crap here's some advice free of charge ........find someone who loves you and respects you