troubled Marriage

[sunny1]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for 17 years now and we have been struggling for a while. I am an emotional person and I need to feel connected to the person i am married. I have been feeling very alone and am now getting resentful about my husbands inability to share emotions. He is a good provider and is good at getting things done, well most of them. Anyway i don't feel close to him and asked him to move out recently. I don't want him in our bedroom and i am angry at him. He is a good provider and is a good father although i wonder if the kids feel the same way. I want to work things out but i don't want to be the onlyone doing the work. He went to the Bishop recently and i wil be going in to see him soon. I want to work things out but we need counseling. I think he might be on the Autism spectrum. Our daughter is and she is alot like him. He is not very impathetic and doesn't like to talk about feelings in general. We would like to find a good couselor here in Virgina ( the hampton roads area) He is still living here but i am agry with him. I have said very bad things to him. I feel like i have been handling all the emotional problems alone for 17 years. My daughter from a previous marriage is having a hard time and wont call me and leaves me these disturbing texts every now and then. He acts like there is nothing to worry about or talk about. I feel alone all the time when he is around. I don't feel alone with our two teenagers around they are the reason i am still married to him. Can anyone help us find some answeres.

[Guest]

Sunny... if he has Autism then you have known this problem before you got married. They don't just "change" after marriage. So, you must have accepted that this is the way he is.

I say you need to figure out what his communication method is. Asking him to talk to you in "your way of talking" is doomed for failure - autism or not. My husband has his way of showing me he loves me - it may not be my style and it may not be satisfaying to me but I've learned that's how he rolls. So, when he does those things, I start to recognize, hey, this guy loves me! At the same time, I have my own way of communication - he has learned to adapt to that too.

For example - when NFL starts, I am what you would call a football-widow. My husband is glued to the TV oblivious to the world. I do not like football. At all. So, we used to go on this pow-wow on "you're not paying me any attention!" while he goes, "I took out the trash! What else do you need?" and it's all just a bunch of crap. A few years into the marriage, I finally figured it out. When he talks to me about football, it's his way of telling me, I am so important to him that he wants to share his love for football with me. So yeah, I started feeling really loved when he's talking about something I don't care about - football. Now, for my part, I started reading up on football - I still don't like it, but when he starts yapping about this guy and that guy and that coach and that team, I actually have a lot of intelligent contributions to the topic so we end up talking a long long long time. And so then, I gave birth to our first child - I had a c-section, almost died, and it was pre-season football. He was watching the game on the hospital TV and asked me - "What's this?"... while doing a pose. I said - "that's the Heisman Trophy". He was so proud that I knew what that is, he gave me a very expensive pair of diamond earings. No, he didn't buy me earings because I just gave birth to our first child. He gave me diamond earings because I knew what a Heisman Trophy is. Imagine that. And the crazy thing is - I don't wear jewelry! Anyway, after 15 years of marriage, he now knows my weakness is shoes and he is an expert on it now. I've become a semi-expert on football. So, yeah, we don't do the - "you're not making me feel loved!" crap anymore. Of course he loves me - he wouldn't marry me if he didn't. I just have to figure out how he expresses it. That's all. And it took us years and years of open honest communication and a lot of fighting to finally understand each other. It's hard work. But, that's what we both signed up for when we got married. It's him and me - forever - no matter what happens. So now, the dreaded pre-season is about to start... I have two choices - sit with him to watch football or go shoe shopping! Either way, he still loves me and I still love him. I learned to watch football by checking out things that interests me - like who are their wives, their families, how they treat the other players, etc. So, I was super excited last Superbowl because I wanted Eli Manning to win - because he married his high school sweetheart - so he can beat out Tom Brady who left his pregnant girlfriend to marry a Supermodel. And Eli won! I got his jersey and everything! Yeah, I still don't like the game of football, of course.

So yeah, that's my answer. If he has Autism, he might not even recognize your communication style - even if you bop him in the head with it. But, does that really mean he loves you less? So, you got 2 choices - accept him for who he is and all his weaknesses and help him overcome it. Or, you abandon him trying to find yourself a "better man". I will guarantee you - that "better man" has his own weaknesses too. So, you're basically exchanging one weakness for another. If that's what you want, then that's up to you. But marriage is not about good times and fragrant roses. Marriage is about giving your all to the man you chose to spend eternity with - the good, the bad, the ugly.

Edited July 23, 2012 by anatess

[genuine]

It sounds like a serious problem that needs addressing. I hope your Bishop can help you.

[sunny1]

I don't agree. Some women don't mind just hanging around and waiting to be included in their own relationship. I'm not that kind of woman. He also had a pornography addiction which almost tore our relationship apart and he has lied to me on several occasions. I don't lie and i nee to be able to trust my partner. I think i still resent that about him. We used to do everything together and he always looked to be where i was. Neither of us do this now. Id rather be alone than be begging for attention which i don't ever do. If you like being second best good for you. I signed up for working together and feeling close to my eternal partner. I know some women don't mind it that their husbands put ther needs second best and that works for you. I also don't suck it up unless it is something that is not changable. I feel sorry for women who act like men and that brings your relationship together. Happy for you. I want more and i will find a way to get it:)

[Suzie]

I would strongly suggest before counseling, a medical evaluation to determine whether or not he is on the autism spectrum and take it from there. If he has Aspergers, you may be able to know exactly what to expect and how to handle/cope with your present challenges.

[sunny1]

He is active duty and a diagnosis would probably hurt his career. I always have known that he's differnt mostly in a good way. He's dependablle. He has never communicated well and it didn't matter as much early in our relationship. I think i have been emotionally carrying our marriage for the most part. Now i just resent him and his lack of empathy is hurtful. When I'm sick he doesn't think im sick enough. Thank goodness I'm hardly ever sick. I just feel alone most of the time and now i don't even want him in our bedroom. Is there a way to get some help anyway with out the diagnosis?

[Guest]

I don't agree. Some women don't mind just hanging around and waiting to be included in their own relationship. I'm not that kind of woman. He also had a pornography addiction which almost tore our relationship apart and he has lied to me on several occasions. I don't lie and i nee to be able to trust my partner. I think i still resent that about him. We used to do everything together and he always looked to be where i was. Neither of us do this now. Id rather be alone than be begging for attention which i don't ever do. If you like being second best good for you. I signed up for working together and feeling close to my eternal partner. I know some women don't mind it that their husbands put ther needs second best and that works for you. I also don't suck it up unless it is something that is not changable. I feel sorry for women who act like men and that brings your relationship together. Happy for you. I want more and i will find a way to get it:)

Why do you say I'm second best? Second best to football? Of course not! But, why should my husband have to sacrifice football just because I don't understand how he expresses his attention? I don't beg for attention - like I said, that's a bunch of crap I don't bother to go through. I KNOW for a fact my husband loves me even if he has a different way of showing it. My husband gives me a lot of attention - it's just not the same way I recognized as attention - like talking to me about football is one of the highest honors he gives me. He could just as easily talk to his buddies about football - it's a "man" thing after all. But no, he'd rather talk to me about it. My kind of "attention" is cuddling, talking about gooshy romantic girly stuff, reading The Notebook or something - that's not how he shows attention. He doesn't do "romantic". Dropping the kids off at grandmas and taking me to a football game is his idea of "romantic". So, instead of expecting romantic stuff from him - which to him is not at all loving - I expect football games from him. If he has to do my girly stuff to show me he loves me - then he's not the guy I married anymore - he'd be the guy acting like a girl to make me happy. I don't want that guy. I want my husband just the way he was when I married him - football maniac. Of course, when I want to do the all gooshy romantic girly stuff to show him my attention, then he takes it - because that's how I express myself - he learned to understand it as my way of lavishing him with attention. He doesn't expect me to stop doing that just because he finds it too girly...

Now, about the porn issue and all that. That's different. You didn't mention that at all. You mentioned Autistic. So, I didn't take that into consideration in my response.

All that I wanted to tell you was - both of you need to learn how you communicate. Good marriages are built on 2 individuals maintaining their identities and working together to make those 2 identities into one cohesive relationship. Marriages that require one person to become something different than who they are is doomed for failure. So, if your husband is Autistic - then that's part of his identity. You either accept it - together with everything that comes with Autism - or you reject it. It would have been much easier if you would have known this about him before you got married then you have a better idea of what you just accepted when you got married. But, that's not possible now.

But then, if you're looking for advice - you get all answers. Take it or leave it. If you're hell-bent on leaving your husband, there's nothing anybody here can say to change your mind.

[Guest]

He is active duty and a diagnosis would probably hurt his career. I always have known that he's differnt mostly in a good way. He's dependablle. He has never communicated well and it didn't matter as much early in our relationship. I think i have been emotionally carrying our marriage for the most part. Now i just resent him and his lack of empathy is hurtful. When I'm sick he doesn't think im sick enough. Thank goodness I'm hardly ever sick. I just feel alone most of the time and now i don't even want him in our bedroom. Is there a way to get some help anyway with out the diagnosis?

Help for Autism? Not really. It's not something you can self-diagnose. Help for you? Possibly. Having good female friends or family around can help you from feeling alone. Or, if you're up to it, you can get a dog. I'm not kidding. A dog is very therapeutic. I have 2 myself. A dog can lavish you with all the love and attention that you are desperately seeking without much investment in shaking things up with your own life that could cause a lot of consequences that you may not be ready to handle. Then you'll be more energized emotionally to tackle the big problem of fixing or abandoning your marriage.

Another advice: You can't change your husband. Nobody can. You can only change the way you react to him. This reaction may trigger him to want to change or it may not. But the change can only come from his desire to do so.

[Solstjerne76]

I just had to reply what you wrote here: THANK YOU:) Although I dont have the same problems as the person who started this Thread has, it still opened my eyes actually. So thank you thank you thank you. Because of what you wrote, you inspired me to change my attitude. Thank you:)

Sunny... if he has Autism then you have known this problem before you got married. They don't just "change" after marriage. So, you must have accepted that this is the way he is.

I say you need to figure out what his communication method is. Asking him to talk to you in "your way of talking" is doomed for failure - autism or not. My husband has his way of showing me he loves me - it may not be my style and it may not be satisfaying to me but I've learned that's how he rolls. So, when he does those things, I start to recognize, hey, this guy loves me! At the same time, I have my own way of communication - he has learned to adapt to that too.

For example - when NFL starts, I am what you would call a football-widow. My husband is glued to the TV oblivious to the world. I do not like football. At all. So, we used to go on this pow-wow on "you're not paying me any attention!" while he goes, "I took out the trash! What else do you need?" and it's all just a bunch of crap. A few years into the marriage, I finally figured it out. When he talks to me about football, it's his way of telling me, I am so important to him that he wants to share his love for football with me. So yeah, I started feeling really loved when he's talking about something I don't care about - football. Now, for my part, I started reading up on football - I still don't like it, but when he starts yapping about this guy and that guy and that coach and that team, I actually have a lot of intelligent contributions to the topic so we end up talking a long long long time. And so then, I gave birth to our first child - I had a c-section, almost died, and it was pre-season football. He was watching the game on the hospital TV and asked me - "What's this?"... while doing a pose. I said - "that's the Heisman Trophy". He was so proud that I knew what that is, he gave me a very expensive pair of diamond earings. No, he didn't buy me earings because I just gave birth to our first child. He gave me diamond earings because I knew what a Heisman Trophy is. Imagine that. And the crazy thing is - I don't wear jewelry! Anyway, after 15 years of marriage, he now knows my weakness is shoes and he is an expert on it now. I've become a semi-expert on football. So, yeah, we don't do the - "you're not making me feel loved!" crap anymore. Of course he loves me - he wouldn't marry me if he didn't. I just have to figure out how he expresses it. That's all. And it took us years and years of open honest communication and a lot of fighting to finally understand each other. It's hard work. But, that's what we both signed up for when we got married. It's him and me - forever - no matter what happens. So now, the dreaded pre-season is about to start... I have two choices - sit with him to watch football or go shoe shopping! Either way, he still loves me and I still love him. I learned to watch football by checking out things that interests me - like who are their wives, their families, how they treat the other players, etc. So, I was super excited last Superbowl because I wanted Eli Manning to win - because he married his high school sweetheart - so he can beat out Tom Brady who left his pregnant girlfriend to marry a Supermodel. And Eli won! I got his jersey and everything! Yeah, I still don't like the game of football, of course.

So yeah, that's my answer. If he has Autism, he might not even recognize your communication style - even if you bop him in the head with it. But, does that really mean he loves you less? So, you got 2 choices - accept him for who he is and all his weaknesses and help him overcome it. Or, you abandon him trying to find yourself a "better man". I will guarantee you - that "better man" has his own weaknesses too. So, you're basically exchanging one weakness for another. If that's what you want, then that's up to you. But marriage is not about good times and fragrant roses. Marriage is about giving your all to the man you chose to spend eternity with - the good, the bad, the ugly.

[sunny1]

I believe we all come to this world to change. We learn to talk, walk, read and so forth. I didn't marry my husband the way he is now. He was the most attentive person i had ever met. He would go to 3 stores to find ice cream just because i said i felt like having it not because i asked him too. He brought me water and made sure my feet were elevated when I nursed our children. He would drop me off at the front of the store if it was raining and walk in the rain for me. This is what i am used to. He has never been communicative and doesn't have any friends who he spends time with.

I think that we are all constantly changing either for the better or worse in this case i believe we are going the wrong way. Since we are not close like we used to. I didn't ask for your opinion i asked if anyone knew of a good thearpist in Virgina. I do believe he might have some degree of Austism since he stuggles to show emotion and runs at the mention of anything emotional. If i can't count on him to be my partner when it gets messy and we need to work together to keep our family on the right path then id rathre be alone this way i don't expect anything from him and i know im on my own. We both made the same promises when we got married. I have kept mine thus far he has failed he hasn't. I'm not perfect but I am a team player. This realtionship will either evolve into an even more amazing partnership or not. Its in the choices we are both making. He says he loves me and it's not that i don't believe him its that he fails to share himself with me if he doesn't know how to do that this is a problem. I am one of those women who cooks, cleans, does the budget, mows the grass and anything else that needs done. I am very self reliant although i expect him to do his part. Sometimes i think he is emotionally like a teeager. I am the one moving things forward here. He becomes very complacent with where we are and im all about progress in every way. I'm grateful for this opportunity to grow. With him or without him that is the question. I don't think you are therapist although i do value you opinion thatst all it is. Happy for your happy marriage hope it continues to fulfill your life. I want to grow and make mine amazing or be alone to find my own happines.

[sunny1]

Well he says he wants to change. He went to the Bishop and told him about his porn addiction he has overcome and although he is sleeping on the couch becaouse im not ready to have him back in our room we both want more out of our relationship. Our kids are teeagers right now and in five years we will be alone all the time. If we don't feel close now and work on getting closer we will not want to be be together then. I feel good about that. I don't want to be a single mom although i am ready to go either way. I prefer to work on our marriage and we will see what happens. I just don't believe in settling for an ok marriage. I want it to be amazing for the both of us:)!!

[rameumptom]

Are you going through a mid-life crisis? It seems that after 17 years, you would have accepted or adapted to his autism. It isn't he who has changed. You are the one changing.

Perhaps a change of focus is what YOU need. Instead of focusing on your problems and needs, learn to focus on others in need. Learn charity for your husband and others, and it will fill you with the Spirit. And when you have the Spirit of the Lord, you are not alone.

Perhaps another thing is to discuss with your husband things you can do to make yourself feel more fulfilled. Take a college class, do art, etc. Maybe find a close girlfriend to share feelings with that your husband is unable to provide, and go out to lunch a couple times a week with her.

[sunny1]

This is what i had been doing for 17 years and I'm tired. I will do what it takes to make our marriage better or i will do what it takes to make myself happy. I have been giving to others all my life including my siblings. I think its time for a little of what makes me happy. I give to others on a regular basis my cup is not running over its empty. All this self sacrifice that is ecouraged is great but you have to take care of yourself to be able to give. I deserve it and so does he and our children. If your happy being selfless then good for you:) Hope you continued happiness! I can't believe how hateful some people can be. This is one of the things i dislike about mormonism the most bitter hateful women. We are all here to change and progress not stay the same. And the more selfless you are the more bitter and judgemental it gets. I know i have caught myself doing the same thing its sad:(

[rameumptom]

You are serving, but not replenishing yourself. Even the mortal Jesus had to find time alone to restrengthen himself from the thronging hordes.

You need to sharpen your saw. Life is a forest, and you are trying to cut it down with a dull blade. Occasionally, the person must stop and sharpen his saw, or he/she will end up stretched to the limits trying to cut down trees or serving with little energy to do it.

You need to develop yourself and find some you time. That said, you will have to recognize that even the best husband in the world cannot satisfy your every need. And there is no such thing as a best husband. Be grateful for what he can supply you, and then find other wholesome ways to find the rest of your fulfillment.

It isn't an either/or issue. It can be an either/AND issue. You can take the best your husband has to offer AND build some great experiences for yourself apart from him.

BTW, there is a difference between the person who serves out of pure love and the person who serves out of duty or guilt. Burn out is a symptom that something is not being done correctly or is being done for the wrong reason.

[Finrock]

Good afternoon Sunny1. It is a pleasure to meet you. I hope you are well! :)

It might be helpful for you to know that from other's perspective it sounds like you have made up your mind. You seem resistent to anything other than what you want to hear. This makes it difficult to give advice.

Respectfully,

Finrock

[Suzie]

He is active duty and a diagnosis would probably hurt his career. I always have known that he's differnt mostly in a good way. He's dependablle. He has never communicated well and it didn't matter as much early in our relationship. I think i have been emotionally carrying our marriage for the most part. Now i just resent him and his lack of empathy is hurtful. When I'm sick he doesn't think im sick enough. Thank goodness I'm hardly ever sick. I just feel alone most of the time and now i don't even want him in our bedroom. Is there a way to get some help anyway with out the diagnosis?

What you are describing is a very common complaint of spouses who married Aspies.

[Onhech]

I think he might be on the Autism spectrum.(

Just labeling something isn't useful. In fact reification (making a mental state "real" by arbitrarily giving it a name other than "normal" (e.g. poor grades, very active = ADHD) is often harmful and hurtful to the persons mental condition and self confidence. We are all unique and have different issues, he may have symptoms that may cause some to consider him to be on the autism spectrum but I don't think that is really relevant or useful.

From your description the most important problem is that he isn't achieving your desired emotionally empathy or perhaps is not emotionally sensitive enough. To my knowledge this isn't a symptom of autism, and even if it how would reifying it help? Autism is not curable at this time nor is there an "emotional pill" to help him with being more emotionally connected with you. What benefit is there to even pondering if he is autistic?

As far as being emotionally inept. Have you considered that he is male? (I jest... Somewhat. However, males are quantitatively found to be less emotionally intelligent)

In seriousness: Remember, any dissatisfaction in marriage comes form unmet expectations. Now there are two ways to fix these - 1) meet the expectation, or 2) change the expectation. Usually I think that there should be a little of both. However, I don't know if punishing you husband by emotionally and physically kicking him out of your life (or room) is a good idea for you, for your children who see you, or especially for him.

It sounds like he is trying to be better, I would suggest that you do not practice conditional love (where you only show him love when he does "_____" (in this particular case insert "in emotionally astute")) love HIM, do not love who you WANT him to be to be (or thought he was when you married him).

[sunny1]

I don't agree with your problem with labeling. We are all different and a we all have challenges and weaknesses. For instance I'm extraverted, passionate, and impatient. Our daughter Amber is on the Autism Spectrum and very high functioning. I knew she was different almost at birth. She had trouble with noise and she wanted to be near me all the time. She had meltdowns everyday and could not ask for what she needed. Everyone in both our families said she was spoiled and she just needed a good spanking which i don't do. I almost fell for it but my motherly instincts toldme there was something missing. I insisted to her doctor who said she was fine to start some testing. She was finally diagnosed at the age of 3. She didn't speak till she was 4 and i continued to find ways to help her. Her teachers when given all the information about her and her diagnosis understood and knew what to do to help her while she was there. We worked together to help her grow. One of her teachers didn't get the information until a week after school started. She labeled her disrespectful because she shut down when she got overwhelmed. Without that label she would have been a problem child and put in a group where she didn't belong. like so many who never got a proper label to help others understand them, so you see labels are helpfull so that we are not wrongly labeled by society. The Autism spectru is very varied and everyone struggles in different ways to assimilate to our "normal" world. Were are all wierd or excentric in some way or another. If we read labels properly it helps us to act accordingly and not judge.

I might seem i am judging my husband but he is very hard to be married to. He makes me feel like a stranger in my own home and room. He shares very little about himself and gets angry when his words are confusing to others mostly me. I feel alone not because i want constant attention. I feel alone because he is distant in another world not connecting to me and this hurts. Unfortunatly his parents didn't know enough about this to help him and just labled him wierd. He dated one person before me and we got marred when he was 28. I love him as a person but i can't make love to someone who doesn't share and makes me feel unwanted in my own home. He is very hard to get close to.

My daughter still stuggles with her issues but i continually work with her to share her feelings because this is the only way we get close to people. She doesn't have many friends and she spends alot of time alone. She knows she is differnt but she also knows we are all different. She is exceptional and her musical gifts are incredible. This is why i don't mind lables because the world will label us anyway. Knowledge is power and the more we know about eachother the better we can understand how to relate one to antother properly. If i had known all this before i married my husband, I'm not sure i would have married him but i did and we are working things out the best way we know how. Thanks for your advice

[alucarD1975]

Sunny1

Sounds to me like you have already checked out? Or am I reading your posts wrong? Are you looking for validation that he is a bad guy and does not share his feelings? One poster already described her relationship with her husband and how he shows his emotions in a totally diffrent way.

Guys are wired diffrent in general we do not outwardly display emotion. We don't go for all the mushy lovey stuff, sure he did it while you were dating or whn you were carrying or nursing his children. You say he is a

Porn addict what does that really mean? Did he quit his job to stay at home and cruise th net for porn sites? Or did you catch him watching a dirty movie or Internet site once or twice?

Yeah ok sounds like a real loser I think you should leave him. Feel validated and correct in your decision.

[Windseeker]

I don't agree with all the posts where people say it's a guy thing not to share feelings. Last time I checked I'm a guy and I'm all about sharing feelings, long walks on the beach and all the mushy stuff.

I've been married twice and neither of the women in my life have been good at sharing their feelings.

So I can kind of relate to how the OP feels.

I also don't think it's helpful to make light of the fact that her husband has an issue with Porn. Porn is a real problem and it has destroyed countless marriages.

To the OP I'm sorry your having trouble in your marriage. It's not easy and we just like we have to watch and protect our testimonies we need to watch and protect the love in our marriages. We do this by forgiveness and watching out thoughts continually.

I would recommend the book "The Peace Giver". It's a great book.

[sunny1]

Alucar,

I'm not asking for him to sit and hold my hand and tell me how much he loves me. I'm asking him to talk to me about the important stuff like retirement, plans, goals, my estranged daughter. I handle all the big things. Where does he come in with just a paycheck. I can do that too. I was a single mom for 6 years and it was easier than this.

His porn addiciton he says he has gotten over it. Who knows. It's between him and his maker. He lied to me for years and for 15 years i found stuff on the computer and when i confronted him he lied to my face. I could of left him many times but i stuck with it for the kids mostly. He went to the bishop and the additcion recovery program. He is a good father eventhough he could have exposed our kids to his trash many times how good does that make him?

Boys will be boys is what his parents said. How about men being MEN!! In all the sense of the word. Prieshood holders on the outside and porn addicts on the inside! Men need to grow up. How about Women when do we get to be understood and given what we need? Men want to be understood then they need to understand women too. Equal partners is the term. I don't want teenager for a husband.

I'm teaching my son to be open and express himself otherwise im worried he will not know how to be intimate with his wife when he gets married.

If i can do the cooking, cleaning, budgeting, landscaping and run our house then he can step up and help me handle the big things when needed.Or i will do it all and have one less teenager to worry about.

He refuses to leave. I'm not asking him to stay.

[annewandering]

My husband found an interesting study the other day. It said some very surprising things. Men NEED more emotional support in marriage than women tend to need. Ok that flies against all conventional thought. Their thoughts on the subject is that women get support from a number of sources and generally do not hesitate to do so. We support each other, emotionally, constantly. Men might get a bit from their moms.

It does make a lot of sense. We expect men to be strong and invincible but they are just people with a lot of cultural pressure to be super men.

Oh women do get that molly mormon thing too but we tend to forget men get the same pressure, just in different areas.

I do not think it gives them any excuses, any more than it does us, but it might be a starting point to consider.

[alucarD1975]

he refuses to leave. I'm not asking him to stay.

Change the locks if you really wanted him out he would be out