What Would You Do?

[ViolinGirl]

My dad is getting remarried this weekend (my mother died about 2 years ago) and I very much object to the situation. I think he's making a huge mistake and I don't feel like I can support his decision. He hasn't known this woman very long and this will be her 3rd marriage. I don't want to go to the wedding and pretend like everything is fine when it isn't. Would you go?

[applepansy]

Yes I would go. Its his decision.

[Dravin]

It would take some truly extraordinary circumstances for me to essentially take the first steps to alienating my father. Because if you can't stand to even show up for the wedding then I doubt you'll be able to put up with being near her during holidays or other events. This creates a situation where, whether you intend it or not, you're basically challenging your Father to choose her or you. That's not a helpful thing to place upon his marriage.

[Guest]

Express your opinion then respect his decision.

I was alienated from my family for marrying my husband who they deemed "unsuitable". I wouldn't wish those years on anybody else.

[rameumptom]

He's an adult. Let him make his choice, and then you sustain him in it. You don't have to live with her. But if you cause a situation, you will cause pain for your Dad, you and others, making you the bad person (and not her). You may be surprised; she may just make a wonderful wife for him. None of us is flawless, and the Lord is the one who is supposed to be the Judge, not us.

[Vort]

My dad is getting remarried this weekend (my mother died about 2 years ago) and I very much object to the situation. I think he's making a huge mistake and I don't feel like I can support his decision. He hasn't known this woman very long and this will be her 3rd marriage. I don't want to go to the wedding and pretend like everything is fine when it isn't. Would you go?

I would go. I would wish them luck, and I would kiss my new stepmother. If I felt the need to express my concerns, I would do so privately to my dad before the wedding, preferably weeks before.

[classylady]

My dad is getting remarried this weekend (my mother died about 2 years ago) and I very much object to the situation. I think he's making a huge mistake and I don't feel like I can support his decision. He hasn't known this woman very long and this will be her 3rd marriage. I don't want to go to the wedding and pretend like everything is fine when it isn't. Would you go?

Even though my father has passed away, but if I was in your shoes, then yes, I would go. I would support my father in his decision. And, if the marriage doesn't work, then I would be there for my father again.

I would NOT tell my father that I don't like his new bride. I might say something like "Are you sure you're ready for this?" Or something along those same lines.

My mother was widowed at the age of 38 with 7 children to provide for. I was 6 years old at the time. My mother remarried twice--neither of them worked out. The first time she remarried was when I was around 14 years old. The marriage lasted less than a year. I hardly knew my new step-father. I had been gone for the summer while they were dating, and when I got back, my mother informed me she was getting married. I still supported her in her decision, but I definitely had my misgivings. Truth be told, with me being a teenager, no man my mother would have chosen would have gotten approval from me. But, I never said anything negative to her about her new husband. The marriage just needed to take it's own course. It's been my experience, that it can be very difficult to accept a step-parent. Not necessarily because they are "bad", but maybe it's because we haven't bonded with them? I'm just not sure why it can be so hard.

The second time my mother remarried, she was in her 80's. She was so excited, and her children were happy for her. We all had misgivings, but were hopeful it would work. The marriage only lasted a few months. Her new husband divorced her, never really telling her why. With a little bit of hind-sight, I think it's because she probably had Alzheimer's and was doing some quirky things, and we (the family) simply weren't aware of it at the time. She has since been diagnosed.

In my opinion, we should support the choices our children/parents/siblings make in their spouses. If the marriage does work, they may remain together for the rest of their lives. I wouldn't want to feel unwelcome in their home because I had made negative comments about the spouse.

[Backroads]

If you can't support your father's decision, at least support your father. It's his relationship. If you haven't told him your concerns and you feel you need to, take a private moment to do so--and then wash your hands of it.

I would go to the wedding for your father's sake, but after that you can remember nothing is making you socialize with this woman.

[Bini]

I would express my concerns, especially "red flag" warnings and then respect my father's decision. A friend of mine voiced her concerns when her widowed father (80 something) proposed to his girlfriend (50 something) that demanded he change his Will to her inheriting the family home, instead of it being liquidated and divided up amongst the family. It was a condition she demanded for her to marry him. My friend and her siblings were very much upset over this.

[Guest]

My grandma remarried (at 90 years old!) a few years ago. None of her husband's family seemed very happy about it. We always kind of wondered what they had against Grandma, who is a lovely woman. It didn't take long for us to figure out that he had been abusive to his previous 2 wives, but they never bothered to mention that to any of us. We ended up having to remove her from their home before they'd even been married a year.

So I guess if there's anything serious that you think he doesn't know but ought to consider, tell him. Beyond that, respect his judgment, know that she isn't going to replace your mom and isn't trying to, and try to help them have a happy marriage.

[ViolinGirl]

Bini, you just hit the nail on the head. There are lots of red flags when it comes to money and property. I don't think he's thought everything through properly. They were going to get married in October, but all of a sudden, the date got moved up to this weekend. Something isn't right about this woman and I can't put my finger on it.

[Bini]

Bini, you just hit the nail on the head. There are lots of red flags when it comes to money and property. I don't think he's thought everything through properly. They were going to get married in October, but all of a sudden, the date got moved up to this weekend. Something isn't right about this woman and I can't put my finger on it.

For lack of a better word, a "gold digger" is also a form of abuse, especially when the man (or woman) is incapable of properly handling their own finances due to degrading mental health. I'm not certain how this all works (you'd have to ask an attorney) but I know that family can step-in IF a parent has shown they are unable to handle their finances. It's happened in my family.