Can I save my marriage?

[tumbledquartz]

I want so badly to just be a good and honest Latter Day Saint.

The lucky thing for you is that this is a church for sinners. Let he who is without sin, right? It might feel like everyone you go to church with are all righteous and sin-free saints, but they're not. Sure, some of them probably haven't committed any sexual sins, but I'd guess it's not the majority. Why do you think the general authorities talk about this in every general conference? Because there are a tiny percentage who aren't getting it yet? I think not. In fact, I know a bishop who said he doesn't even ask young men IF they have looked at pornography anymore - just how long ago, how often, and if they sought it out or ran across it accidentally.

I'm not saying it's okay to keep sinning, though. Just that it's satan who wants you to feel like you don't belong with the rest of the members of the church because you're a sinner. Read Ether 12:27. God gave us weaknesses. Not just allowed it to happen, but purposely GAVE them to us so that we would be humble and come to Him and be grateful to Him when He helped us overcome them. So that someday, when our weaknesses become strengths (and they can be!!) we will thank God instead of ourselves.

[Misshalfway]

The lucky thing for you is that this is a church for sinners. Let he who is without sin, right? It might feel like everyone you go to church with are all righteous and sin-free saints, but they're not. Sure, some of them probably haven't committed any sexual sins, but I'd guess it's not the majority. Why do you think the general authorities talk about this in every general conference? Because there are a tiny percentage who aren't getting it yet? I think not. In fact, I know a bishop who said he doesn't even ask young men IF they have looked at pornography anymore - just how long ago, how often, and if they sought it out or ran across it accidentally.

I'm not saying it's okay to keep sinning, though. Just that it's satan who wants you to feel like you don't belong with the rest of the members of the church because you're a sinner. Read Ether 12:27. God gave us weaknesses. Not just allowed it to happen, but purposely GAVE them to us so that we would be humble and come to Him and be grateful to Him when He helped us overcome them. So that someday, when our weaknesses become strengths (and they can be!!) we will thank God instead of ourselves.

Yeah. This is good stuff!!

Cuz the problem with getting better isn't really about sin. It's about the shame you feel about the sin. Get rid of the shame, and repentance becomes easy.

[C_T_R]

needsomehelp, ((hugs))

Here's the thing with addictive stuff like this that so many of us fall into. We can be determined to change, and sometimes we do change, but I think with something as powerful as pornography it takes support. If your wife is as loving and understanding as you say she is, she'll not only forgive you, but want to help you stay true to yourself and your marriage that you obviously care a lot about.

I know you're afraid of hurting her more with what you need to tell her, but in my opinion you'd be hurting the union by not sharing everything. Just like going to the bishop and laying it all out there, it'll only be fully off your conscience when you're able to tell her you love her, and that you've been dealing with this since you were young.. I mean that in and of itself makes it less of a personal painful thing to her knowing she didn't fall short in giving you what you want.

Issues with pornography are rampant in and outside the church. I just admire that you want to overcome it because for a lot of men (and I'm sure some women) it takes over all their cares and their marriages and their families become less and less important until they lose them.. and they don't even sometimes realize what they've lost. I just want you to know that I think you're awesome for wanting to let this go so that you can have a healthy relationship with your wife, and a true one. I can't predict how she'll react but I do know that you wanting to repent and holding to that determination will ONLY bring you two closer ultimately. :) She's a lucky woman. Truly in this day in age it's a plague.. and your desire to come clean is wonderful. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose you either.. and she could lose you to pornography as so many women I've come in contact with have lost their marriages to.

God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of LOVE and of a sound mind. Let go of the fear. That's just Satan. There's nothing to fear when you're letting go of sin. There's no going back, but there's going forward and that's what counts.

[MorningStar]

One thing I know is that it will be much better if you tell your wife instead of letting her stumble upon it. Eventually she will find out and it will be much harder to convince her that you haven't cheated on her too. She will think, "If he lied about this, what else did he lie about?" If you tell her voluntarily, it is much more believable that that is the extent of your issues. Many women find out by seeing those horrible images themselves. Please don't put her through that!

I understand you don't want to go through the Hell of hurting her, but it's unavoidable. At first, she will feel like someone died, but she can't tell anyone. Most likely she won't function well at all for a while, so the more you help her with meals and cleaning, the better. Do you have kids? If you have any family nearby who can have them overnight, that would be a really good idea.

It's important that you tell her right away that it is 100% your responsibility and not her fault at all. She might drive herself crazy trying to figure out how she can prevent you from doing it - more sex, a cleaner house, etc. Being really proactive about it will help - going to the bishop, asking for filters on the computer, giving her passwords, going to recovery group, counseling, etc.

And if you feel like crying, don't hold back.

Prayers that you will have the courage soon. :) She can forgive you.

[needsomehelp]

I am very grateful that there are many people out there willing to take time to give me words of encouragement and counsel. I also appreciate those who were either victims of these sins or doers of these sins giving me personal experience and advice.

I know that the only thing that is keeping me from confessing to the bishop is fear and guilt and that if I can eliminate those two elements from my mind then confession will come easy. This is definitely easier said than done. I do care very deeply for my wife and I never wanted to hurt her nor do I wish to do any further damage to her or myself. I know that the first step will be to confess to the bishop. I am actually anticipating a great amount of relief from confessing to the bishop. If it meant confessing to him and receiving forgiveness, I would have done it right after stopping the sin. It is the potential years of repairing the broken confidence and love with my wife that I fear. I have spoken to others who have had similar experiences as me and some of them have wifes who didn't leave them but do not even want to be touched by them for years after confession. Some of these wives are so effected by what was done to break the covenants that they need to seek therapy for years and their marriages are never the same again. I have heard both promising stories and horrible stories. Some days I say to myself that I will do it now and others I feel like to do so would be like death. Of course if I do nothing then I will suffer a spiritual death. At least the good news is that my former sins feel so vile and repulsive that I am hoping that it will help me to forsake for good.

I would like to think that my wife would eventually forgive and be able to help me rebuild the trust and promises that we had, but the mystery of what lies ahead and remorse for having done such terrible things to myself in the past and now to my wife, have made me hesitate in seeking the healing that I know the Savior can give me through repentance. That is why I have been desperately seeking to see if there is any way possible that I can repair what I have damaged without confessing to her. But it is becoming painfully clear that this is not an option. Everyone here has assured me of that fact. I guess I cannot chose the way that I want to repent. I have to do it the Lord's way.

I wish that I had never gotten hooked on this vile habit and I wish that I had told my wife that I needed help before we were married. I wish so many things. I am desperately praying for Heavenly Father to give me the strength and conviction to face the consequences of what I have done and I hope that I will do the right thing so that my marriage will not suffer any more than it already has.

Thank you all. And if anyone wants to add anything additional, feel free. I welcome all help and assistance I can get.

[Misshalfway]

What if you told your wife all that? Just like that?

[peachie]

pornography can damage any relationship. What can be done is to seek professional help. And try to re date your spouce to get to know them again. Go ask your bishop for help or stake pres.