Avoiding Sexual Desires? (pornography)?

[someldsdude]

Long story short, I am one of those guys who struggles with porn/mb and would like to know how to avoid the temptation. Over the last month, I have been working extremely hard not to be tempted to look at pornography or act on it. I'm looking for any ideas that some of you may have. My wife knows about this, but I'm not exactly sure what I can ask of her to help me, nor does she know how to help me? I'll probably show her this post/thread so she can come up with her own ideas. I feel like it's a personal problem and it's something that I need to deal with and resolve. We are moving within a month or so, so I haven't seen the bishop yet since we'll be moving. However, I am starting to reconsider seeing our current bishop instead of just waiting until we are in a new ward. I do not want to relapse or struggle more on this and go through the whole "tell me everything" phase with the wife again. It's embarrassing and shameful and something that shouldn't be slowing me down spiritually and temporally.

Here's the issue that we face with my problem. For one, I have to have the internet to run our business. Setting up filters, internet schedules, or anything else you can think of is out of the question as it would probably block our online business. Along with this online business, I have a skill set that would make it extremely easy for me to bypass any filters or any blocks. I manage a lot of I.T. infrastructure and know enough that I can easily be in a dangerous situation if not careful. As you can imagine, I'm in quite a dangerous position given what I do for a living.

I love my wife and kids a lot. Now that our oldest is 4, I really want to make sure that I can set a good example to him. My wife, that I know of, loves me and is always talking highly of me...which makes it tough to let her down during this whole ordeal.

My plan, that I struggle with, is to do the following:

1) Read scriptures every day.

2) Pray morning and night.

3) Make sure my wife and I pray together.

4) Make sure my wife and I read scriptures together.

My goal of this post is to see how you guys eliminate triggers that cause you to look at pornography? I have for the longest time took any rejection from my wife as a trigger, and justified any action on my part. I felt like it was easier to just look at porn than to expect my wife to be intimate with me.

Unfortunately I can talk about this for hours, but would rather get straight to the point and know how to kick the problem. I feel that every guy like me who has grown up during the boom of the internet era (under 30yrs old) is addicted to porn. However, I would like to be one of those who control it.

Edited September 3, 2012 by someldsdude

[someldsdude]

I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not objecting any kind of internet filter, I just feel as if they would be worthless in my case. I also feel it would also setup a false sense of security for my wife thinking everything is fine as long as the filter is working or as long as the key logger was working.

[Backroads]

Have you considered an addictions meeting?

[Dravin]

My plan, that I struggle with, is to do the following:

1) Read scriptures every day.

2) Pray morning and night.

3) Make sure my wife and I pray together.

4) Make sure my wife and I read scriptures together.

What is your plan for when you're having an 'attack'? When the situations arise that normally trigger your desire to look at pornography what is your plan for what you are going to do differently than in the past? What you have there is a good plan (regardless of if one is battling an addiction or not), but it's sort of a grand strategy and what you need as well are some tactics for the trenches. So, for the instance you gave, when your wife isn't being intimate with you and the internet starts calling your name what are you going to do to deal with that call? Go jogging? Read scriptures? Pray until it's under control? Listen to hymns? Do calculus? Get a frosty? Read a book?

Edited September 3, 2012 by Dravin

[Sharky]

someldsdude, hear me out, please don't write this long post off as just another comment from someone who really doesn't understand.

A couple of falacies I will point out right up front (I bought into them too, we all do):

1-Sounds as if you have a very supportive wife, however, she is probly struggling to understand and to find her way thru this entire situation as well. Frequently our wives question if they are to blame. In their desire to be supportive, to help, they keep their feelings and questions to themselves. She needs to know she has someone to turn to and it can NOT be you!

2-You say your wife still loves you.

Lets put that into context. It is possible to love & hate at the same time. There were times I did NOT LIKE one of my kids ... I have ALWAYS LOVED them.

She loves you, she may well dispise what you do. That contention does put some strain on her and if it hasn't yet it will begin to put some strain on your relationship and marriage.

3-You say you want to be a good example for your child, the question is, do YOU want to control this? You can not do this for your son or for your wife, you must resolve to address this for your own self. The commitment that this will require is YOU.

4-Setting the goal to control this is a start, though wholesome positive goals rarely reach frutation if they are not written down and if someone is not holding you accountable.

Much of what I see in what you have said is that it comes down to you needing to be held accountable, someone that checks in (like an AA sponsor checks in on a recovering alcoholic - been there, both side of that AA stuff). Clearly, though, you need that accountability report to be more requent then weekly or daily ... based on what you have described about your work, that accountability needs to be several times a day.

Since an internet block would be defeated & I am sure you erase your surfing history you need an actual person holding you responsible and that person should NOT be your wife.

You do need to be HONEST with this person!

In addition to a physical person holding you accountable frequently, when you pray, do you make a report to your Father-in-Heaven? Do you let him know how your battle has gone that day?

The biggest thing at this point is to be totally honest. Your Father-in-Heaven alreay knows, he knows your successes and your failures. He knows the desires of your heart and your mind. He knows how committed you are to controlling this problem. He knows your truethfulness & lies.

The truest of progress will only begin when a person can pray with that level of honesty.

Such a prayer requires that level of honesty with one's own self.

With honesty from one's self then comes the honesty with others and true progress can begin.

Your wife, as I said, I am sure is struggling to understand & struggling to be supportive. Make sure she has access to some type of help, someone to talk to, perhaps a therapist or something of the like. LDS Family Service or a private therapist (preferably and LDS Therapist though not necessarily thru LDS Family Services) would be my reccomendation.

Eventually though you will need to become a part of those therapy sessions too. Don't doubt it, this has and does put strain on your relationship and marriage even though she does continue to love you.

As for you. five things:

First - I hesitate to say this one, your Bishop can refer you to LDS Family Services for counseling. I have seen that work for some and miserably fail for others.

My reccomendation is that you seek and find a counselor of your choosing. It is important that you and that counselor are a good match, that is why I hesitate to mention LDS Family Services as frequently the counselors to choose from are rather limited, however, they do have some very qualified helpful counselors that are well worth checking out.

One thought does come to mind ... If you have an LDS counselor, whether it be thru LDS Family Services or thru a private office, one that specializes in seual addiction would be best, though sddiction is what it sounds as if you are dealing with at the moment (there may be more below the surface).

Second - Before you begin meeting with them aquire a copy of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program Guide. It is set up like a workbook for you to write thi ngs down as you work thru the steps.

You can buy a copy thru store.lds.org or at the local distribution center or you can download it in pdf & audio at LDS Addiction Recovery Program: A Guide to Recovery and Healing

Work that program with your counselor, regardless if the counselor is a private conselor or one from Family Services.

Third - The key to the process is HONESTY on your part. Total and complete honesty no mater how embarrasing or difficult.

Fourth - Most important, make sure your wife has someone of her own to help her work thru this too! Don't assume she is "doing okay" as I am sure she is struggling.

Fifth - How soon will you be moving? How far is this move?

I believe this process shuld start ASAP. I can't help but wonder if this upcoming move is at least partially an excuse to delay starting the process, an excuse to "hold on to" this thing that you know you should let go of.

Learn to trust yourself and to be worthy of the trust of others. Learn to be honest with yourself anf with your God.

Good Luck! Been there, done that.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Sharky

[MIssB]

Just a couple of quick suggestions regarding the internet...

1.) Could you have someone else set up filters or passwords so you wouldn't know them?

2.) Is your computer set-up so that it is facing a door? Do you always leave the door to your office open? Yes, you could still access stuff but knowing someone else could see might reduce the likelihood that you would.

3.) There are some services out there that will actually monitor your internet browsing and record the cookies. That information is then sent to a 2nd party. That might work to have someone else hold you accountable for your viewing history.

[C_T_R]

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Edited September 3, 2012 by C_T_R

[jayanna]

I was just thinking, get rid of anything that mind remind you of pornography, this would include watching movies with se*ual references, books with scantily clad people on the cover, and yes, limited internet use. I don't know if you use the internet for your work, but I would highly suggest keeping your computer monitor in full view of your family at all times.

I don't think there is a filter in the world that can completely keep it out. I work at a public library and we have an imposing, impressive filter with IT personnel occasionally going through the websites being visited, and still quite a bit gets through. Even elementary children are smart enough to get around it.

You might have to make some drastic changes in your computer use.

Also get some healthy family activities in your weekly routine, as well as maintaining date nights. Your wife needs to see you actively seeking opportunities to spend time with her, it will be very important for her self esteem. Remember that the goal of this date night is not to achieve your goal of physical intimacy, but rather to help her feel like you want and look forward to her company, and that you admire her.

Most importantly, don't get frustrated and give up! Your Heavenly Father loves you and cares for you personally, He knows your name, your struggles, and your efforts to grow closer to Him. Like all tests in this world, this too can be overcome through Christ's atoning sacrifice.

Edited September 3, 2012 by jayanna

[Sharky]

I held back on my previous post, a couple of things that I was hesitant to put in a post, hesitant to resond to from the OP. Written words are so difficult to interpret how they are intended & what they really say .... the lack of verbal, non-verbal, & para-verbal communication makes it difficult of how much "calling out" on things said is necessary.

If I can,

First:

This statement shows a comlete 100% set up for failure in any & all attempts!

I have for the longest time took any rejection from my wife as a trigger, and justified any action on my part. I felt like it was easier to just look at porn than to expect my wife to be intimate with me.

Your actions, your wife knowing, is very likley a "turn off" to her as she struggles to deal with it .... She struggles to "be in the mood" while quesrioning wondering what your are imaginaing when you are with her & blaming herself for your problem .... rejection probly comes easily for her right now as she is, I am sure, feeling somewhat rejected herself by your actions, then you do what?

You turn to the very thing that is feeding into at least some of her rejcetion of you.

A vicious cycle that none of us would be readily able to overcome.

Another:

My plan, that I struggle with, is to do the following:

1) Read scriptures every day.

2) Pray morning and night.

3) Make sure my wife and I pray together.

4) Make sure my wife and I read scriptures together.

You say it right there, "My plan, that I struggle with,..."

I struggle with those same 4 things too as do many of thousands. Struggling to have freuqent prayers & to read/study the scriptures does not require one have problems with porn/mb.

That plan in & of itself may be a part of the solution towards resolving your problem; however, they are an entirely seperate goal with a much wider purpose.

You need a SPECIFIC plan geared specifically at the issues you are trying to resolve.

I'm not exactly sure what I can ask of her to help me, nor does she know how to help me? I'll probably show her this post/thread so she can come up with her own ideas. I feel like it's a personal problem and it's something that I need to deal with and resolve

You are right, it is YOUR problem, however, it effects many more then just you. You are, however, the only one taht can ensure it gets resolved.

Dealing with it yourself is NOT going to solve any aspect of it.

Your wife is not likley in a place to be of a lot of help. It is frequently very difficult to "tough love" those we love so much, and in your case, if she were to "tough love" I would wonder, would it feed your excuse/trigger?

There is much more I could say and add here, but I feel it is not something that would be appropriate except in a face-to-face. So, talk with your bishop. Do it without your wife there, be honest with him. Have him hook you & her up with LDS Family Services .... that's just a start, the 1st of many hundreds of steps but you can do it, you can walk the distance, one step at a time.

[MorningStar]

You can bypass filters, but at least they can prevent you from going to places you didn't mean to. I remember doing a search for "adoption" and it brought me to a very bad site. The filter would have prevented that.

Any addiction is about escape. We have a counselor in our stake who teaches marriage and parenting classes. She taught us the acronym "HALTS".

Hungry (or hormonal)

Angry

Lonely

Tired

Stressed (or sick)

When the urge to engage in your addiction arises, identify what it is that is bothering you at the moment and see if you can resolve it. If you're stressed, talk to someone about it. Hungry? Eat something. The urge might pass. Addicts lack coping skills. The author of Confronting Pornograhy spoke in our area and he said boys are taught to "suck it up" rather than talk about their feelings, so they are more prone to addictions as they tried to escape their negative emotions.

I think your wife would appreciate it if you talked to your bishop right away. It will be hard to talk to two bishops, but consider how hard this is for her.

[Sharky]

MorningStar, you just reminded of one of the most simplest things that when applied to my life was the success in giving up booze.

You can bypass filters, but at least they can prevent you from going to places you didn't mean to.

someldsguy: Yes, you can get around all the filters, however, it does take a little bit of effort.

That little bit of effort to get around that block or filter, would it be enough to make you slow down briefly, think, question yourself, is this what you really want?

Case in point:

I HATE beer! I would always get drunk on the better stuff. Holding a bottle of beer for a recovery alcoholic would be a sure failure, for me, I'd open it, I'd smell it, I'd taste it .... that single swallow was enough to "shock" me back to reality, to my goal & I'd toss that bottle.

Now had I taken a 2nd & 3rd swallow I would have no longer cared about the taste of that beer, but that one swallow was enough to cause me to pause briefly, long enough that refocused on my goal rather then what I wanted in the moment.

It did, however, require an immediate response to eliminate that temptation once I was remnded of my ultimate goal.

[C_T_R]

Your wife is not likley in a place to be of a lot of help. It is frequently very difficult to "tough love" those we love so much, and in your case, if she were to "tough love" I would wonder, would it feed your excuse/trigger?

What should she do? How long should she hold out? This destroys relationships. I've personally seen how it affects how one treats their friends, family, and spouses. Ideally what would she do? Not just for her husband, but for herself and their child?

[Sharky]

C_T_R, you asked:

What should she do? How long should she hold out? This destroys relationships. I've personally seen how it affects how one treats their friends, family, and spouses. Ideally what would she do? Not just for her husband, but for herself and their child?

That is a decision that she needs to make for herself. I was not talking about how she should or should not help him, I was refering to him & her not knowing how she could help him.

If her rejecting him is a trigger that leads him to porn/mb, which he says it is, then his asking his wife to help him is a very slippery slope.

Anything she does or says that he doe not like or that he feels is "rejecting" will lead him back to his problem. So his asking or wanting her to help him is NOT a good thing, it is setting them both up for failure.

If she feels she needs to take drastic steps for her own well-being & the well-being of her children, then YES she should do so.

If it is being done as a means of "helping" him, it might, but more likely it will result in the feeling of rejection that has already been identified as a trigger & simply lead to more of the same behavior.

So the REASON for her making that decision can not be based on if it would or would not help him.

That is the direction my post was coming from ... For Him To Turn To.

The OP stated he did know what she could do help him & she did not know either .... Turning to her to help him with this problem, in my opinion & experience, will not benefit him or her or their marriage.

I refer to my 1st post.

She needs to have some one to turn to, some one that is not him, a counselor or therapist & he will need to at some point in the future be a part of those sessions.

He also needs someone to help him, some one that is not her, a counselor or therapist or addiction professional.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Sharky

[Sharky]

Honestly, I believe the rejection trigger that the OP identified is little more then an excuse, something that is used to justify doing something that he finds pleasuable but knows is wrong.

That said, identifying it as an excuse doesn't accomplish much if he is not willing to do whatever is required to bring his addiction under control.

[MorningStar]

Telling a woman you are more likely to look at porn if she rejects you only leads to her doing it out of obligation. Sad. Most likely this was a problem before you got married, right? No woman thinks, "I can't wait to get married so I can have obligatory sex with my husband to prevent him from masturbating and looking at porn!" No, women are hoping it will be done out of love and mutual enjoyment.

So what drove you to it before you got married?

[annewandering]

When you feel the trigger perhaps you could have an alternate plan of action. Before you did the porn, which has the added benefit of punishing your wife for rejecting you. Now chose sometihng else.

What can you do instead? It has to have the ability to give you a degree of pleasure. If candy isnt a problem for you then you might try Hershey's candy Kisses. They are easy to keep in a drawer where you work. Jerky would work as well. Perhaps you could keep a scented candle next to the computer to light when you feel rejected. Maybe a quick run around the block? Gets you out of the house. Not a bad thing at those times.

You are the only one that can chose something effective but you really do need to have an alternative. Chose something pleasurable not a punishment. Not something to remind you of your weakness but something that gives pleasure.

[Sharky]

Telling a woman you are more likely to look at porn if she rejects you only leads to her doing it out of obligation.

And during that obligatory act the women is likely wondering constantly who or what it is that he is imagining and fantasizing about while he is with her.

The really sad thing is that he is blaming his choice on her, on her choice.

She is not responsible for his choice or his actions ... it's the excuse!

[someldsdude]

I was a bit hesitant to display a bunch of triggers, as they are just excuses and justifications. At the end of the day, the problem still comes back to me. Nor would I claim such problems are because of my wife. With addiction, if you can find the little justification, you will take it and run with it. Has nothing to do with the other person needing to change habits/actions to keep you from doing it again. As I could simply find a new justification.

Keep in mind this is a post, and I obviously couldn't discuss everything. I think some people get a little to excited when they see a post like this....

[Dravin]

The really sad thing is that he is blaming his choice on her, on her choice.

I don't see that in his post. In the past he certainly justified his choice by her choices but in his post there is no blaming of his wife for his choices. That he recognizes her choices are a trigger isn't the same thing as blaming his choices on her. I recognize that stress is a trigger for overeating, recognizing that as a trigger doesn't mean I'm blaming my Boss for my overeating if I receive some mandatory overtime or some such.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Dravin

[someldsdude]

I was a bit hesitant to display a bunch of triggers, as they are just excuses and justifications. At the end of the day, the problem still comes back to me. Nor would I claim such problems are because of my wife. With addiction, if you can find the little justification, you will take it and run with it. Has nothing to do with the other person needing to change habits/actions to keep you from doing it again. As I could simply find a new justification. Our marriage didn't start off like a fantasy marriage, and there were some things that made me want to look at bad material simply because I felt like I could get back at her. It seemed easy to have justification in anything. I just want to move on and get this out of my life at this point. I'm kind of done with it.

Keep in mind this is a post, and I obviously couldn't discuss everything. I think some people get a little to excited when they see a post like this....

[Dravin]

I was a bit hesitant to display a bunch of triggers, as they are just excuses and justifications.

While I can understand why you don't want to post a list of triggers to the board, you should probably go through such a list with yourself. Some triggers you won't have control over, but some you will. It's worth recognizing the triggers you don't have control over so you can plan how you will handle them when they occur, because they will occur. As far as the triggers you do have control over, such as say being home alone with nothing to do (boredom is a common trigger for pornography and masturbation), it is good to recognize them because you can do what you can to eliminate the triggers. Such as always having a list of chores around the house, or deciding to spend such down time in a public place.

[someldsdude]

Ya, I definitely don't think it's because of 'boredom'. This is 100% stress. I'm finishing up my schooling and I'm running our business.

[Dravin]

Ya, I definitely don't think it's because of 'boredom'. This is 100% stress. I'm finishing up my schooling and I'm running our business.

For the record I wasn't saying boredom was your trigger, I was giving it as an example trigger. The point being, identify them and plan how to handle them.

[Just_A_Guy]

For me, one of the HUGE things that has helped has just been having a person--a "real" person, not just an online friend--with whom I can discuss the issue, candidly talk about temptation and (if necessary) relapse, and--if necessary--call via telephone if I'm feeling weak and need a little support. (It may or may not be in your marriage's interest to have your wife serve in this role--some women just aren't up to that, and it shouldn't be demanded of them.)

Pornography addiction flourishes in an environment of secrecy and shame. I certainly don't advocate trumpeting one's weaknesses from the rooftops or making an "announcement" at next month's testimony meeting; but I think you'll find more success if you are a little more open about the issue than most of us LDS men tend to want to be.

And, yes, I strongly recommend the LDS addiction recovery groups. And yes, also the filter--even if you can get around it--for the reason Sharky gives.

[someldsdude]

I certainly don't advocate trumpeting one's weaknesses from the rooftops or making an "announcement" at next month's testimony meeting;

Served a mission and know well enough to not do that.