Moving Past It

[amateurMominZion]

I am struggling and I need some advice on how to move past this. My husband was engaged before me to a woman who broke it off with him. She said she prayed about it and it didn't feel right. He has never denied loving her, but acknowledged easily that it was a different love than what we share. Over the years we have been very happy and open about it and other relationships we have both had, even keeping contact as a couple with my past bfs and his past gfs. This past fiance ended up in a very rocky and abusive marriage and with much prayer and fasting decided to get a divorce. We prayed and fasted and knew it was right to let her and her kids come stay with us till she got things worked out. In fact, I was told specifically in answer to prayer that the relationship we had with this woman was righteous and of God and to help her out. I was also told in the temple that in the eternities this woman may be allowed to be sealed to my husband after all, if we all chose to do that. Talk about shock! I truly gained peace over the idea and loved this woman like a sister.

Knowing that we had this eternal potential did not in any way mean we could be polygamous in this life. It has not been reinstated as a principle to live in this life. So we talked about precautions to take so no one did anything inappropriate that would jeopardize our standing in the church or hurt our relationships. We talked about physical boundaries and honesty repeatedly before she came to stay with us. We continued to pray and fast and make sure it was the right thing to do, considering the emotions involved and the things I had been told in the temple. I know beyond doubt that we were supposed to help her and let her live with us. Things were fabulous for a couple months while she found work, filed for divorce, moved her church records, got the kids enrolled in school, etc. We got to know each other more and I truly felt I had found my twin spirit sister. My husband struggled more than I did, trying to meet my needs, and help her emotionally without crossing any lines.

Then my world crashed when she decided to go back to her husband. I grieved like she had died! I was confused about why I was told the things I had been told in the temple, I was confused about why I felt so close to her if she wasn't supposed to be part of our lives, I was confused about my husband being so eager for her to leave so he didn't have to feel torn. There are so many emotions that I have never felt before during her living with us and since that I know I would never have made it through without trusting the Lord. It is just not a common situation and one I was told was a very sacred one that should not be talked about with people lightly. Again, I know polygamy is not practiced in the church in this life. I know they needed to be VERY careful to not commit adultery because they were not married to each other, no matter what potential there might be in eternity.

So here is the hairy part, as if that isn't already. I found out later from husband that things did get too involved while she was staying with us. He began to feel pressured by her to get MORE involved physically. Somehow she had convinced herself, or rather let Satan convince her, that it was ok. THAT is why my husband was so eager for her to leave and felt torn due to all our spiritual experiences and the trauma he felt by her continual demands to get more physical. He ended up talking to the bishop and a counselor for several months to help him deal with his feelings (which had triggered past sexual abuse issues) and make sure he was okay with the Lord. Similarly, the other woman got therapy individually and with her husband and says she is very happy now. She has worked things through with the Lord.

I struggle with reconciling all the things I KNOW I was told from the Lord and why I was told them, just for things to work out this way. I struggle with feeling betrayed by my soul sister. I struggle with doubts about my husband being truly honest about his willingness to participate in the physical inappropriateness (after all, it is normal to want intimacy with people we love), even while I know he has worked it all out with the bishop and the Lord. He no longer will even talk to the other woman and is uncomfortable when I want to rehash some of it. I think I have forgiven them both. I love them both. I just don't know how to reconcile the intense spiritual revelations I had concerning us all with the aftermath. I do know that her marriage is better now that she is not so hung up on the what-ifs about being with my husband. She got her answers and realized it wasn't what she wanted after all. I know that my husband is righteous and in good standing with the Lord and we are still happily married, so why does this still haunt me sometimes?

If you have insight or a comment, please don't tell me I was wrong to let her live with us or that the personal revelations I had were false. I don't doubt those were from the Lord in any way. I just am struggling with the whys...

AMZ

Edited September 27, 2012 by amateurMominZion

[Guest]

If you could break that into paragraphs I think you'll get more response. It's really hard to read that much text with no breaks in small print.

[Backroads]

I wouldn't doubt your feelings and revelations, but we are still in a telestial world and temptations will happen and eternal blessings won't come now.

[Vort]

I will not question anyone else's revelations from God. But for myself, I could imagine only with great difficulty offering room and board to a former romantic love interest, either mine or my wife's. I am not the jealous type and my wife is not the kind ever to flirt with previous romantic interests, but I doubt either of us would be comfortable with that arrangement.

As for the revelation you feel you received about possible plural marriage in the next life, again, I have no specific insight into any such thing. But the fact that something could happen does not mean that it will happen. If this woman has exercised her agency to choose another path, and it is a righteous path, and she and her husband both live up to their covenants, where is the bad in that? It does not mean you won't have a close friendship or relationship with her in the eternities -- just maybe not as "sister wives".

As far as I'm concerned, the eternal doctrines and realities of polygamy are shrouded in mystery, and are likely to remain that way for the rest of my life and perhaps longer. I don't worry about such things.

[estradling75]

It seems to me that at the heart of the matter you are asking 'Why did the promises of the Lord fail.' You through prayerful study got what you believed to be the mind and will of God for your situation. Now in the aftermath with everything fallen around you, you are confused on how this could possibility have happened.

While your details are unique to my experience, your struggle to understand the will of God is not. Unfortunately do to the highly personal nature of such thing no one here can say with any authority what exactly happened. At best we can offer possibilities, the true answer will only be found in your continued personal study and prayer.

One possibility is that you misunderstood or got it wrong. Learning how the Lord speaks to a person is a very personal and profound struggle for that person, many times what we learn from our mistakes are more valuable then from what happens when we get it right. Again I can't say if you did or did not, but now is the time to for you to ponder that idea.

Another possibility is the simple fact that God respects our agency. When you read the scripture you will find (especially in the D&C) that God will promise blessing only to have the person that it was promised to mess up, have a change of heart or otherwise no longer be eligible for the blessings. This is not because the Lord changed his mind but because people failed to maintain what was needed. From what you describe there was three people involved. Three people, any one of which can freely choose to do something else that would potentially end it.

From what you describe of the situation this last one seems very likely. While the three of you had the best of intentions and desires at the beginning when the Lord said ok. It seems that when it got underway and real life and temptations kicked in that things changed for someone. Please note I am not implying any kind of sin on anyone part. It just that the situation you described would very likely require a higher level of spirituality then perhaps they were ready for.

[tumbledquartz]

I like what everyone else has said, but I just wanted to add one thing. The fact is that, the show isn't over just yet. Just because she went back to her husband for now and things happened between her and your husband doesn't mean that when eternity comes, there won't still be a choice to be made. Maybe her husband won't qualify for the celestial kingdom, or whatever. Then maybe a choice will be presented of whether you and your husband can forgive her and want her in your group. Okay, so, that could be totally off, but my point is that just because things didn't work out /right now/ doesn't mean they won't. God's timetable isn't our timetable.

For right now, though, I would say move on, try to forgive her, and don't worry about it too much. Your relationship with your husband is what's most important for you to focus on. Don't let this distract you from that.

[MorningStar]

Would you feel the same if she had found a new husband? Did you expect she was going to be unmarried the rest of her life while waiting until death to be his wife? How long did you expect her and the kids to stay with you guys?

[amateurMominZion]

Thanks for these other points of view. It gives me some things to think about. And it makes it easier to turn it over to God and let Him take care of it. I have found more peace about it all in the last couple of days, just by putting it all into clearer thoughts. It is not the end yet, and who knows how we will all feel in the eternities when we can recall the relationships we had in our premortal lives. I can say that I am happy with my fabulous husband, and I am happy that she is happy.

[mdfxdb]

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Another possibility is the simple fact that God respects our agency. When you read the scripture you will find (especially in the D&C) that God will promise blessing only to have the person that it was promised to mess up, have a change of heart or otherwise no longer be eligible for the blessings. This is not because the Lord changed his mind but because people failed to maintain what was needed. From what you describe there was three people involved. Three people, any one of which can freely choose to do something else that would potentially end it.

hitting the nail on the head. I do not doubt the veracity of your personal revelation, however we all get to exercise our agency, and because of that those things which are revealed to us may or may not come to pass. Add into that our limited perspective on time vs. Gods perspective on time. Who knows what will happen?