4 going on 14?

[Wingnut]

I understand that teenagers don't like their parents; it's pretty much in the job description. But what about younger kids? Is it a common thing to feel like your four-year-old doesn't like you?

I'm having a rough day.

[Vort]

Four-year-olds are not as cynical as teens and are not (yet) as adept at manipulation. But yes, they can certainly withhold affection if they see it gets results. That is why you never, ever, EVER react negatively to a young child's withholding of affection. You ignore it.

(Saying nasty things like "I hate you" is a different matter. Such things are eminently punishable, not because they hurt your feelings, but because children must be taught that they simply do not say such things.)

[NeuroTypical]

My wife deals with such matters in my house, and I'm grateful for her guidance on the issue. From her standpoint, a kid has an absolute right to feel what they're feeling. That does not mean they have absolute rights to act on feelings any way they happen to see fit at the time.

She and I both come from less-than-ideal childhoods where we were taught to surpress or force away our emotions. We figure that's as unhealthy as giving free reign to screaming 'I hate you' and chucking stuff. You learn to accept and deal with strong emotions.

[Guest]

My oldest was like that. She's opinionated and strong-willed On the flip side, she has a strong sense of right and wrong and isn't easily swayed.

She was always a daddy's girl and I think after years of trying so hard to get her here, that was hard for me and it has come through. We've had to work at our relationship, but it's worth it.

Mother-daughter relationships can be so complicated, anyway.

[Wingnut]

It's not so much "I hate you" -- fortunately, she hasn't learned that phrase yet. And I know she loves me -- she actually doesn't withhold affection often.

J has always been a Daddy's girl, and I've never really minded it much. She was over two years old before she ever called me "Mama," because she only had eyes for Daddy. That bugged me a little, but not terribly. Lately, though, it seems like she just really doesn't like me. Anytime she doesn't like what I'm telling her, she either sticks her hand up, a la "talk to the hand," or she has a complete meltdown and begins to wail for Daddy, who is of course at work. She's moving into a phase that I think is pretty typical (she's 4.5) where she answers "nothing" and "I don't know" a lot, which really means she's lying. I have a hard time getting her to do any chores around the house, whether it's cleaning up her toys, putting the silverware away from the dishwasher, or putting her own shoes in the closet. This afternoon, she started to pick some shoes up off the living room floor, and said she was "cleaning up for Daddy." Then she found a sponge my baby had left on the floor, and pretended to scrub the floor, also "for Daddy."

I realize that I sound a little whiny, and probably like I need to just grow up. That aside, I'm having a really rough day and feeling like my daughter just doesn't like or care about me, and that's not a happy feeling.

[Guest]

Four-year-olds are monsters. It's not you.

[Misshalfway]

Oh Wing! Sorry you are having this kind of bad day.

I remember when my kids used to do this. I was a stay at home mom and my husband worked. I wondered sometimes if the kids just missed him and that maybe that was the root of their favoritism. Or...maybe we just got sick of each other cuz we were together so much. Daddy was the novelty. But even if you understand all that it doesn't prevent it from really hurting sometimes.

My oldest had some attachment issues right at first. He wouldn't look at you in your face and bond with you like the other kids. He is 14 now and I am just now finding a bonding connection with him that I've been longing for all these years. The other day he cuddled up next to me on the couch put his arms around my neck and said, "I love you mom." I had to hold back all the tears. All 14 years of them.

Being a mom IS one of the hardest, thankless jobs some days. But know that all of your diligence and hard work and nurturing sacrifices are allowing that sweet girl the freedom the have emotional experiences in front of you.

You are a great mom, Wing! It will turn around. (I know you know that, but I'll reassure anyway. )

[Wingnut]

But even if you understand all that it doesn't prevent it from really hurting sometimes.

This. Thank you for this validation.

[Vort]

All of my children were, and are, Mama's boys (and girl). My oldest seemed to like me about as much as his mother when he was young. That lasted until a little bit after we got out of grad school and I started working full-time. My daughter, nearing the cusp of teenagerdom, seems to like me better these days, too. So take heart. There is hope for the second-class parent.

[Wingnut]

All of my children were, and are, Mama's boys (and girl). My oldest seemed to like me about as much as his mother when he was young. That lasted until a little bit after we got out of grad school and I started working full-time. My daughter, nearing the cusp of teenagerdom, seems to like me better these days, too. So take heart. There is hope for the second-class parent.

Thanks, Vort. Though your last line almost made me "laugh" at the post instead of thank it.

My almost 11-month-old seems to be more of a Mama's girl. She's still breastfeeding, so there's that, but my husband noticed early on that she showed a social preference for me that our older daughter never did.