I'm trying to become active again, however I don't have that burning desire.

[urmysunshine78]

I have been a member all of my life (34years) however, for the past 17 years I have been in and out of the church, inactive for about 9 of them. I have been through so much in the last 5 years, surviving a difficult divorce that lasted in having PTSD to giving up my twins for adoption ( I was pregnant when my husband(not lds) asked me for a divorce), to losing custody of my 3 children from the marriage.

For the first 2 years of my ordeal I was the most spiritual that I had ever been in my life. My bishop and his wife would always joke with me and say I was going to be translated. Thats how spiritually high I felt. I had a solid testimony and I never waviered from the gospel. However, after the birth of my twins and making the decision to give them up for adoption and the subsequent custody loss of my 3 children to my ex-husband, I lost everything in me. I doubted God and the church. I didn't understand why God or the bishop and his wife would have influenced me to make such difficult decisions and why would God take my kids from me. I became very angry and bitter. I soon stopped going to church and I soon found myself spiraling downward.

I essentially lost what was so precious to me not just my children but my testimony and my longing to be an active member in the church. I was so angry and hurt that God would allow such horrible things to happen to me, that I soon found myself battling many addictions. In January of this year, I had enough of the poor choices I was making and the affect it had on my life and my children. I decided with prayer that I needed to come back to the church. I longed for that spiritual high that I felt only 3 years ago. I wanted my temple recommend back and I wanted that wonderful feeling back, hoping and praying that it would bring good things into my life.

I met with my bishop and discussed my desires to have my recommend back as well as return to activity. The bishop told me it would take some time for this to happen and that I would have to go through a disciplinary council as well. He told me to keep coming to church and it would get better. At the time I really didn't feel a burning desire to come back I just knew it was the right thing to do and more than ever I wanted that feeling that I experienced just 3 years earlier.

It has now been 10 months later and I have to say I still don't feel a burning desire to come back to the church. I just feel so numb as though what I've been through has taken everything out of me. I pray every day, I go to church when I'm not sick (I had stomach cancer this year), I read many church books mostly inspirational ones, I listened to all of conference this year, and I read the BOM. I have one addiction left to give up however, I just want that desire to want to be active again. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm more frusterated now than ever before. I just don't understand why I feel this way and I'm so discouraged by the fact that I don't feel a burning desire to stay active.

I'm just looking for some advice and support, I long to feel a desire inside me.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Urmysunshine, it sounds like you have been through a lot, and I am sorry about that.

I don't think I understand what you are saying here though. You did this:

I pray every day, I go to church when I'm not sick (I had stomach cancer this year), I read many church books mostly inspirational ones, I listened to all of conference this year, and I read the BOM. I have one addiction left to give up

That is great and yet you don't feel that you have a burning desire??? What motivated you to do all that stuff?

I'm not asking you this in a critical way, if we were speaking in person it would be easier to see that I mean it lovingly. It just seems to me that you have a lot of desire. What do you mean by burning desire? I think you are doing great.

[urmysunshine78]

Its hard to explain however, in the past when I've returned from inactivity I always have this wonderful spiritual uplifting feeling and can hardly wait to live the gospel. I guess what I'm saying is, I struggle now with feeling anything, I know its the right thing to do thats one thing but I don't feel that compeling urge to do so. I always associated coming back with a strong urge to do so not just with the notion that is the right thing to do.

[IWillAlwaysHaveJesus]

Run to church on Sunday!

Leave late on purpose and think: I don't want to miss a minute of learning about the BOM and Jesus! SPRINT there!!!

[BadWolf]

In my own life... I often find that learning to do the right thing, even when it doesn't feel good, is a test of my convictions. It's easy to do the right thing when it feels good. In a way, its even 'easy' when its hard-hard-hard (because its a consuming / highly emotive thing).

But it's the slow, steady, day in and out....

The laying of foundations

The trust building

Of doing the right thing... Even when there is no immediate gratification

That BECOMES the most meaningful.

In time.

It's never (for me) filled with that first blush of new love/ nor the wild rush of adversity/ nor burning desire/ nor pink cloud/ nor excitement in change.

It's far more profound.

Because, it's quite simply, me.

Doing what is right.

Nothing to sing about, or shout from the rooftops. Nothing to debate, get passionate about, or wring my hands over.

It's just me. Doing what I'm doing. What I have and shall be doing. Because its who I am. Which is an amazing and bone deep thing. When a thing ceases to be noteworthy.

[Anddenex]

He told me to keep coming to church and it would get better. At the time I really didn't feel a burning desire to come back I just knew it was the right thing to do and more than ever I wanted that feeling that I experienced just 3 years earlier.

It has now been 10 months later and I have to say I still don't feel a burning desire to come back to the church. I just feel so numb as though what I've been through has taken everything out of me. I pray every day, I go to church when I'm not sick (I had stomach cancer this year), I read many church books mostly inspirational ones, I listened to all of conference this year, and I read the BOM. I have one addiction left to give up however, I just want that desire to want to be active again. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm more frusterated now than ever before. I just don't understand why I feel this way and I'm so discouraged by the fact that I don't feel a burning desire to stay active.

I'm just looking for some advice and support, I long to feel a desire inside me.

Surely, your life has experienced some major hardships. The decision of allowing your twins to be adopted surely must have been emotionally draining, and still is. This is difficult even knowing that on one side of the coin, you are tormented and saddened, and yet on the other side of the coin, some couple who couldn't have children have been blessed, and feel so grateful for this, assuming your twins have already been adopted.

I would disagree with your Bishop on the idea of keep coming back to church and things will get better. It is not coming to church that makes us feel better, it is coming unto Christ which makes us feel better. Coming to church is a byproduct of coming unto Christ, and at times, coming to Church alone doesn't make our lives any better, but if we strive to come unto Christ then our lives will be better.

As pertaining to the desire of wanting a spiritual high, is a good desire, however, if we all waited for spiritual highs to do what is right, we all would probably not be very active. Our first thoughts in going to church should be our love for our Savior and our love for our Heavenly Father, and because we know it is right.

Allow the knowledge you have, that it is right, to have more an impact of why we choose to come unto Christ, and why we go to church as a result of our faith in Christ.

Since Jesus is our North Star, his life provides great examples of how he probably didn't feel any spiritual high when being whipped, spit upon, or even nailed to the cross. Yet, he suffered it, and accomplished it, because he knew what he was doing was right and God's will.

I wish you the best.

[skippy740]

Its hard to explain however, in the past when I've returned from inactivity I always have this wonderful spiritual uplifting feeling and can hardly wait to live the gospel. I guess what I'm saying is, I struggle now with feeling anything, I know its the right thing to do thats one thing but I don't feel that compeling urge to do so. I always associated coming back with a strong urge to do so not just with the notion that is the right thing to do.

I only skimmed your original post. You're obviously have gone through and are still going through a lot.

Perhaps that "wonderful uplifting" feeling isn't want you need right now. In addition, being told about obstacles doesn't always inspire willingness.

The Spirit communicates in various ways. My thought for you is to consider if you have a feeling of peace, serenity and safety as you attend your Sunday meetings. It's a feeling that Heavenly Father knows you, is aware of you and saying "You're doing the best you can with what you've got. Keep going."

Don't ponder or worry about what you think others may be thinking of you. That'll cloud the Spirit and spoil your meetings for you.

If you haven't read it lately, might I suggest reading two things:

1) Your Patriarchal Blessing

2) Alma 32 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

It is not coming to church that makes us feel better, it is coming unto Christ which makes us feel better. Coming to church is a byproduct of coming unto Christ, and at times, coming to Church alone doesn't make our lives any better, but if we strive to come unto Christ then our lives will be better.

I appreciated this whole post, but particularly wanted to repeat this part. I needed to be reminded of this Anddenex, thank you! That makes some puzzle pieces click together in my mind. Very helpful.

Urmysunshine, I'm having computer issues and this is the third time I'm tryin to reply to this. Ack!

Anddenex's post caused me to think about my own experiences, and suddenly I think I see some commonality in what you said. I could be wrong, but I think I get it. I think I am experiencing the same thing or something very similar. If that is true, then read Anndenex post again and take it to heart. I know I needed that reminder today.

To put it in another way, recently I told my Bishop that I know the Savior is waiting with outstretched arms to receive me, but I just want to hide. I want to be with Him, but shame (from childhood abuse) prevents me. My Bishop said, "How about if you just try and touch his robe, like the woman in the New Testament?"

That was also exactly what I needed to hear. I started reaching out to Him...slowly, nervously, and it is making all the difference. I don't have the "buring desire" or in my words I would say I don't feel the close personal relatiionship I felt before the repressed memories of my childhood started coming back...but I have a little spark, and as I nourish it, it is growing.

You have been doing a great job nourishing your little spark...keep it up. You've experienced a lot of "wind" in your life that is keeping your fire from buring as bright as you would like, but you can build it back up into a bonfire of desire...you can. And I can too. We both just need to hold on.

Just reach out and touch His robe.

[Backroads]

Do you need a burning desire? Whatever your reasons for trying to come back to church, they are working. The burning might not come quit yet.

[Blocky]

When I returned from inactivity most of my prayers were asking to help me feel the sorrow and to have the desire to choose the right. The desire and feelings weren't there.

This went on for almost a year. I kept doing what I knew I should, even if I wan't feeling the comfort from the Holy Ghost.

Displinary actions actually really helped the process along. I went through two, the second mostly just to help me keep moving forward. They were some of the most wonderful things I've ever been through, and the only time I felt the spirit during that spiritual drought.

Pray for the desire. Then pray for the desire some more. Repeat several times a day, always searching for Gods will. It will come. It took me a long time, but feeling the Spirit as a constant companion is so wonderful and worth the HARD work and time it took.

[Misshalfway]

Do you need a burning desire? Whatever your reasons for trying to come back to church, they are working. The burning might not come quit yet.

Add a "Ditto" from me. Sometimes we have to act our way to the "burning" instead of needing to feel it before we act.

You, my dear, have been through so much! I'm reading that OP and I marvel that your desire is still there to seek spiritual things.

And I love what Anddenex said about how coming to Christ is the thing that makes us feel better. I actually really needed to hear that. Going to church and going through the motions....it's really hollow.