OS and its consequences

[NeverEndingStory]

Okay, so this is very hard for me to write, I wasn't sure if it should go in the open forum, but since I can't access that right away I decided to write in here. I will be using acronyms which hopefully adults will be able to understand. To be honest I think it important youth understand the consequences of this topic too though.

Okay, so to put things in context. I have known I was different my whole life. I knew I was attracted to those of the same gender yet I never acted upon it, other than through the use of pornography. I wasn't addicted to porn at all, just to make that crystal clear. I ended up going on a mission when I was 23 and have since moved on to college, looking to move on with my life. When I tried to go on my mission my bishop was super strict over the whole MB thing and wouldn't let me go until I was clean enough. This in my opinion just damaged my self esteem further and personally I think and know for self that it was a bad judgment call on his part. I mean really, we might have raised the bar but no ones perfect, just ask the thousands of missionary guys out there. Anyway....i digress.

So I have been trying to overcome this sense of same gender attraction and I honestly thought I would be stronger after my mission, even though deep down whist on my mission I struggled with the same feelings. Whilst I feel my mission strengthened me it didn't cure me of my impulses and feelings, and now I understand this is something I will forever have to live with for the rest of my life. Originally I thought i was BI, since I was attached to women, but after some failed attempts at any relationship with the right girls I decided to just go with my gut and pursue other guys. I knew according to the church what I was doing wasn't right, but inside my heart and mind i thought It must be the right thing, although I had a lot of conflict too, too hard to explain how all that works. So anyway, I ended up meeting this guy and we ended up having OS and now I don't know If i should just confess or go through life hiding this dark secret only opening up to the Lord. I just have had so many bad experiences with Bishops that if I'm honest I don't believe they will be able to help me in any way at all. It wasn't planned, I didn't expect it to happen, it just happened. Was great during it, (obviously) but after I felt awful and so confused. Why would I be tempted to sin like this? I have never done anything before, never had sex or anything and have tried to be clean my whole life, only I'm finding it harder and harder the older I get to keep faith hoping ill meet the right girl, a girl who understands and loves me for me, when all I want is other guys sexually, even though I want women emotionally. Am I looking at being disfellowshipped or worse? The biggest fear I have is that ill be Exed and I hate that idea because I've invested so much into this church, my education, my tithing, my mission, my whole life. I love it, I love the gospel, but I feel like the church isn't doing enough and hasn't done enough in the past. I just feel like i can't be me. What should I do and what do you all think would happen if i told my bishop? I think I could handle it on my own, but I deal with intense anxiety and just need some reassurance. thank you and I truly hope I haven't offended anyone...

[rameumptom]

I am sorry for the struggle you are going through. It is similar to the struggles many others go through, whether for SSA or other sexual issues or tendencies towards addictions.

The key is, you may not "overcome" these feelings in this life. Some things are given to us to manage through this life. Recognize you have same sex attraction, and then consider alternatives. There are active members who have discussed their SSA and how they deal with it. I suggest you contact some of them.

Here is a link to Ty Mansfield's story on his SSA. I suggest you look him up and talk with him.

The key is, while you are attracted to men, you can find yourself attracted to one woman enough to have a fulfilling heterosexual life. This is the same as for the man who is attracted to many women, but can have a happy and holy life with one wife, if he focuses on living a spiritual life in Christ.

You have to realize that there is more to you than sexual urges. Society would have you think it is the biggest part of who you are, but it isn't. Hormones will be there, and they will tempt you, just as they tempt people towards any form of sexuality or other addictive behavior. But you are more than hormones. You are more than just your physical self. You are also a spirit child of God. You are a being with a mind to think and reason.

For those heterosexual members who cannot find a spouse, the Church encourages them to spend their time developing themselves and their talents, and not pine away because they are not married. Marriage is just one component of what we may become. Sex is the same way, it is one component. Many people live very happy and productive lives without any sex at all. Others live very miserable lives in a world focused solely on sex.

Loneliness is a difficult thing. Many of us have been there. Yet, you have a choice. You can focus on the loneliness and sexual urges, or you can use that energy and time to make something of your life. The girl of your dreams will show up eventually. Right now, you need to spend your time making sure you will be the man of her dreams.

[NeverEndingStory]

I appreciate the words you wrote. Thank you for taking the time to consider my situation. Ty Mansfield's story actually helped me deal earlier with my same sex attraction and I have been able to 'come out' to some family members and friends. Unfortunately not yet all of them since i am afraid some family members will, 'flip out.' Luckily the parents were loving enough even though they don't understand it. As if i do any clearer? But yes, his story does create a sense of hope to a degree, like it says in the beginning, his case isn't a one-size-fits-all solution, and I'm not suggesting you suggested that, but it does create fear in my heart and mind when i think i might go through my sexual prime years yearning to be with other men. It is truly devastating friends on so many levels. I used to be the one making fun of gay people to hide my true struggle and now I'm dealing with it, man.....its tough and so confusing. I have to admit i sometimes feel like I'm living a personal hell, since I know i shouldn't be acting on such impulses, even though i want to. I hope this makes sense. I know my bishop won't understand....he won't. I dunno what to do to be honest and i know its awful but you can see why so many people get depressed and commit suicide....i know i would never do that, but i can understand how people get to that point. Like you suggest Rameumpton, maybe one day the girl of my dreams with show up, someone who I'm physically, mentally and emotionally and i would say too spiritually attracted to.....I just don't know.

[NeuroTypical]

I have to admit i sometimes feel like I'm living a personal hell, since I know i shouldn't be acting on such impulses, even though i want to.

Something to consider: What is the difference between your situation, and any other unmarried person of any orientation who has decided to follow the Law of Chastity?

[Vort]

So anyway, I ended up meeting this guy and we ended up having OS and now I don't know If i should just confess or go through life hiding this dark secret only opening up to the Lord. I just have had so many bad experiences with Bishops that if I'm honest I don't believe they will be able to help me in any way at all. It wasn't planned, I didn't expect it to happen, it just happened.

NES, I am sorry for your struggles and your pain. But you are being disingenuous here, and as long as you continue to be so, you will never find an effective resolution to your dilemma.

You claim that you "didn't expect [oral sex] to happen" and that "it just happened". But you know perfectly well that this is bogus. You sought this guy out, knowing he was homosexual, in order to experiment with gratifying your own homosexual impulses. You knew full well that this was a possibility; that feeling of excitement and danger in skirting a forbidden area was likely one of the reasons you agreed to this clandestine meeting.

If I went to a whorehouse and bought myself a room with a girl, few people would believe me if I later said, "Hey, look, I hadn't planned on having sex with the hooker, it just happened." This is your situation, and you would do well to accept responsibility for your own actions.

As for whether you will be disfellowshiped or excommunicated, no one here can possibly answer that. That is up to your stake president. You would do well to speak with your bishop as soon as you can.

You are in a vulnerable spot right now. Satan desires to have you. But your decisions belong to you; you get to choose. You have sinned, and you have hurt yourself in so doing. But, like the crumpled and dirty $20 bill, you still have your eternal value. You're still worth $20, so to speak.

[mnn727]

NeverEndingStory. Unfortunately I don't have any advise for you. I am sorry you are going through this, I have had a number of SSA and openly gay/lesbian friends including my sister-in-law and understand its not easy, I doubt that there are any easy answers for you, but you still are a beloved child of God -- don't forget that. You have challenges I'll never know, but we all do have our own personal challenges, and can all rise above them or give into them.

I wish you well.

[NeverEndingStory]

Excuse me Vort but by the sounds of your post you're comparing me to someone who visits a Whorehouse?!?! Like what the freak man. I'll have you know that when I met this individual it was NOT to meet up and do anything actually. I met up with him because I am alone and vulnerable (you're right about that) and honestly want a friend who understands. To say that I met him wanting this or knowing it was a possibility is actually offensive to my spirit. And why on earth would i choose to skirt a forbidden area? If I could choose not to find guys sexually attractive I would, in a heart beat. No person in their right mind would choose to be something that is in contradiction to the Lord's plan. Yes I accept responsibility for my actions and I never said I didn't, I understand agency quite well thank you. I appreciate the $20 bill analogy though, although I personally would like to think I'm worth $100. And please don't patronise me by saying you are sorry for my struggles and pain and then go on to draw that analogy about prostitutes at wholesale houses. Like seriously, I posted on here because I had a question which was to find out from other people's experiences who have been in similar situations what steps they have had to go through. If people don't have any uplifting advice, moral encouragement or support then please don't waste my time by posting dribble in response. I know what I did was wrong, I tried putting it in context to get advice and counsel. Now. The comment by Loudmouth Mormon although bluntvand to the point was encouraging because it got me thinking, so thankful for that. And if Vort reads this and doesn't agree then please respectfully leave this string for people who offer helpful advice.

[NeverEndingStory]

Ps. Those were what we call Rhetorical questions in that last post.

[Sharky]

To kind of draw a parrallele here.

Loudmouth has a very valid & well spoken point.

Vort does as well, perhaps not spoken in quite as understanding of a way.

Just as two young unmarried heterosexual individuals do at times "cave" to the temptation, you did as well. No difference there!

That is not to say you "sought" it out.

Yet you did have the chance to stop or leave once you realized where things were going. As difficult a doing so may have been.

Even a young unmarried heterosexual couple has that option to avoid the act & they don't always "seek" it out, sometimes it just happens. One thing leads to the next & then, oooppps, should have left & gone home an hour ago instead of staying.

That said, I can not express enough how much I wish I had some great piece of advise for you, but I don't.

The key is, you may not "overcome" these feelings in this life. Some things are given to us to manage through this life.

We all, even Vort (no offense intended Vort), have challenges in our lives that we will still be struggling to overcome when we enter the next life.

-And-

You are correct that the process of perfection is just that, a process.

What is perfect for you today will not be the same next week or next year. As you grow & gain experience in life & obtain insight, what constitute perfection in this life also changes. What is perfect for you today may not be perfect for me as we might well be at different places in our lives. The graph of perfection is not always an upward-bound line. The key is that the graph be in a general upward direction.

Does that make sense?

I had a college professor that always told us he expected us to turn in the "perfect" paper. He'd then remind us that perfection is a process. That perfect on this papper will be different then perfection in the next or the one after that. That perfection for class member #1 is not the same as perfection for class member #2. That our goal should be to have an overall upward momentum in our perfectionary process while understanding we will not always be going up.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Sharky

[MorningStar]

I understand wanting support during certain trials, but it can also be sabotage because it puts you in temptation's way. A friend of mine went to an overeater's support group and she told me there wasn't an annorexia support group because it has turned into exchanging tips on eating the least amount and getting away with it.

A safe move for you would be to find a female who has SSA, neither of you being attracted to each other, but understanding each other.

[Soulsearcher]

A safe move for you would be to find a female who has SSA, neither of you being attracted to each other, but understanding each other.

This is actually a very good suggestion. There are a lot of times people with SSa who have close friends of the same gender can end up in awkward positions.

Also the comments about support groups was bang on. Evergreen is one of the best places for SSA guys to hook up.

[Arctica]

I would just like to applaud you for trying to live a pure and clean life, while dealing with the SSA at the same time. I think the bishop can help you to get back on track-- his job is to administer the proper way to start the repentance process...I think people sometimes assume that the bishop's job is also to make them feel better, and to feel understood-- some bishops do this, and others don't know how. They are just regular guys, I know, my husband is one, this is his second time being a bishop. So give them some slack, don't expect them to do more than they are capable of--but this I promise you that your bishop *is* capable of doing: getting you on the road to repentance, and *then*, you *will* feel better, as you can start fresh, pure and clean, after whatever process it is that needs to be completed to repent of what was done.

[NeverEndingStory]

man, see its moral encouragement like the above posts i was looking for, you are right, i shouldn't write all bishops off, after all my own dad was one for 7 years. thank you for the advice and moral support....it really is hard.

[Soulsearcher]

man, see its moral encouragement like the above posts i was looking for, you are right, i shouldn't write all bishops off, after all my own dad was one for 7 years. thank you for the advice and moral support....it really is hard.

If you ever need to talk I'm a guy with SSA, I'm outside the church, but do understand a lot of what you are going through. Always open to talk and listen.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Check out The Weed His blog went viral recently because he is gay, Mormon and happily married to a woman.

Besides being a great blog, there are a lot of people that comment that understand what you are dealing with.