Loss of hope becoming loss of much more.

[JosephP]

I've just had my fiancé break our engagement, offering little more than the "it's not you, it's me" explanation. I truly felt that the spirit had directed me to this, even had a very powerful personal revelation about it. Now with it's termination the feeling of lost hope has become overwhelming.

I don't doubt God, as much as I doubt my desire to subject myself to his will and guidance again. Everything about the gospel just irrates me. The thought of attending meetings and listening to the importance of families, of loving your spouse, etc falls on my ears like cruel mockery. I simply don't want to hear it, I certainly don't want to trust it again.

We are told if we can only have enough faith to just want it to be true, it will be enough. I think I've reached the point where I don't want it to be true, and my faith is something I wish I could just turn off so I could turn away and indulge my own will.

[annewandering]

Well pft. That is rotten for you. I am sorry. I imagine it must be hard to take all the happy forever talk. Still when you get past the initial distress you can come to realize that the promises are still there. Marriage is about two and while she was someone who could be right for you that doesnt mean she felt the same for her. Sometimes it just stinks that not everyone has it easy to find the person to be with forever. You can turn off faith by refusing to accept what you know is true. If you cant turn it off then doesnt that mean you dont really want faith to go away? You are going through a time of grieving. There will come a time of acceptance. Give it a little time. Grieving for what could have been, maybe even should have been, takes time.

[Guest]

So sorry to hear this, Joseph. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Take care of yourself.

[JosephP]

Thanks for the kind words. My concern isn't my disappointment in the lost relationship, it is my sincere desire to avoid church meetings. I didn't attend Sunday and I'm making other plans for Stake Conference this week. I'm angry, I feel I don't want to be a part of it anymore. The thought of the gospel irrates me, mocks my loneliness and isolation. A major part of me really wants to turn away, join a nice drunken party and forget all this pointless striving after righteousness stuff.

This is a family church, an older single male is a misfit, I've known that for some time, but now it is a message that is screaming through my very being, I don't belong here.

[Vort]

Thanks for the kind words. My concern isn't my disappointment in the lost relationship, it is my sincere desire to avoid church meetings. I didn't attend Sunday and I'm making other plans for Stake Conference this week. I'm angry, I feel I don't want to be a part of it anymore. The thought of the gospel irrates me, mocks my loneliness and isolation. A major part of me really wants to turn away, join a nice drunken party and forget all this pointless striving after righteousness stuff.

This is a family church, an older single male is a misfit, I've known that for some time, but now it is a message that is screaming through my very being, I don't belong here.

Don't believe it. You do belong here. Go talk to your quorum leader and brethren. They want you. They like you. They enjoy your companionship and consider you a brother, an important part of your group.

[Anddenex]

Yes Brother JosephP, this is a family church, and you are a part of the family of Adam. Adam desires, as any righteous father, that all his sons receive an eternal reward.

I believe Vort said it correctly also, thus I am quoting him:

Don't believe it. You do belong here. Go talk to your quorum leader and brethren. They want you. They like you. They enjoy your companionship and consider you a brother, an important part of your group.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Joseph, I understand. I feel the same way about attending church, for different reasons, but the end is the same. For a long time, nearly every Sunday, I cried in the bathroom. I was lucky because my Bishop called me to be the Ward Librarian with my husband. So if I can just get through Sacrament meeting, then I can hide in the library the other two hours. I know this will sound awful to some, but my Bishop, who knows my situation well, is aware and supportive.

I realize that does not really help your situation, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. If I could sit and visit with you in person, I would just listen and ask you questions and let you vent. But that is hard to do in this written format, so I will share what I have done and perhaps it will help, if not, at least you will know you are not alone (you have helped me feel less alone, too!)

Not attending meetings leaves a serious spiritual hunger...I began filling that by going to BYU Speeches and listening to or reading messages there. I have a few favorites that have helped. I've posted them on the board here a couple times so I won't do it again, but my favorite is But For a Small Moment by Neal A. Maxwell.

Recently though, there was a new talk on BYU Speeches that messed me up....seriously, it took two hours...one with my therapist, and one with my Bishop to unravel that painful mess! So now I am feeling a little leary of BYU Speeches too.

Here's the thing...I am beginning to think I have missed the boat so to speak, and where I really need to turn for comfort and personal instruction is the scriptures. I am going to try and dive deeply into the scriptures and see if I can what I seek there. (I imagine some people reading this and thinking, duh....but what can I say?)

Finally...as I have been angry with God, I have talked to him about it. But I wonder too. . .years ago I had an experience where the Spirit told me to learn about the Atonement. I thought I knew all about that, silly me. But I studied the words of our leaders, then the scriptures, and then I went back to my knees and said, "I don't get it. I didn't learn anything new, what did Thou want me to know?" That was when I had a life changing experience.

Maybe I will find what I seek now, the same way...first words of our leaders, then the scriptures---with no answers--then receiving THE answer through prayer. I don't think that it it the Lord's intention to run me through a sort of rat maze...but rather I think going through the steps helps me to receive the answer. I don't know yet that that is true, but I suspect it. I'm going to put it to an experiment anyway.

So anyway...if I could give you direct advice, it would be feel angry until you can work through the pain, but keep attending church, and keep praying and searching for answers. And come vent to us anytime!

[Guest]

Do you have a calling that keeps you involved? Maybe it's time to ask for one.

[JosephP]

.

So anyway...if I could give you direct advice, it would be feel angry until you can work through the pain, but keep attending church, and keep praying and searching for answers. And come vent to us anytime!

Thanks for your response, it was exactly on point. I'm indeed feeling the anger, but I'm fearful of its continuous growth. I could not imagine walking into a chapel with my heart so bitter and angry. I don't care to debate the obvious error in logic that my feeling deceived by God is, but that is how I feel, reason not withstanding. I have listened to some talks, being both hurt by the idea of a lost celestial relationship, and scoffing at what it my bitterness seems idealistic nonsense on marriage and family.

I'm angry, and like a little child I want to lash out, and God is where all my rage seems to be headed. Quietly sitting through a sacrament meeting of happy people sharing happy family stories would require a level of self discipline I'm not ready for right now.

[JosephP]

Do you have a calling that keeps you involved? Maybe it's time to ask for one.

I couldn't in sincerity ask for a calling when I'm as likely to never return as not. I'm currently the single adult rep and, of course, a home teacher. I asked to be released from primary last year because I felt isolated from all the adults, and I needed fellowship very much.

[JosephP]

Don't believe it. You do belong here. Go talk to your quorum leader and brethren. They want you. They like you. They enjoy your companionship and consider you a brother, an important part of your group.

It's not my relation with my brothers and sisters that is lacking, it's my rage at Heavenly Father that is the issue.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Joseph, in my experience feelings are often illogical at least mine are lately, but knowing that doesn't change anything. I feel shame about my childhood abuse, so much so that I have not been to the temple in two years...I can't bare it. I know that is completely illogical, but that doesn't change anything. My therapist says it takes time. I hope time will be healing for you too.

About the "happy people" funny you should say that, because I say the same thing all the time. I mutter *happy people* and it is not a compliment. If my kids are not around I might even say "d@mn happy people". It means different things to me at different times, anything from naive people that believe in easy answers to hard questions, to simply the fact that I am filled with pain, and I am jealous that other people are happy.

You are not alone with your anger. I have to believe that God not only accepts us with our pain and anger, but loves us and will be patient while we work through it.

[Vort]

It's not my relation with my brothers and sisters that is lacking, it's my rage at Heavenly Father that is the issue.

This is a matter of feeling rather than thinking, so reasoned arguments will probably have little effect. I expect you have already heard (and perhaps generated) many such arguments, anyway. I encourage you to pray to your heavenly Father and ask him to soften your heart. Tell him how you feel, and tell him you want not to have such anger against him. That's all I can really think of. Good luck.

[Leah]

I don't know what the answer is, as I have been having similar feelings lately.

They say we singles "belong" but it feels like lip service to me. A comment tossed over the shoulder as they scurry off to do family things and don't give single saints another thought.

[JosephP]

I don't know what the answer is, as I have been having similar feelings lately.

They say we singles "belong" but it feels like lip service to me. A comment tossed over the shoulder as they scurry off to do family things and don't give single saints another thought.

You are correct, it's something that as a single adult rep I see all the time. The afterthought to invite the single sisters and widows. I've never at any time, in any setting, heard anyone mention to include the single brothers. I'm not surprised so few of us attend.

I don't think people are just offering us lip service, its just that we are an almost invisible population. Also, even when we are thought about we still feel like a fifth wheel sitting at a table full of couples, literally the odd man out.

[JosephP]

This is a matter of feeling rather than thinking, so reasoned arguments will probably have little effect. I expect you have already heard (and perhaps generated) many such arguments, anyway. I encourage you to pray to your heavenly Father and ask him to soften your heart. Tell him how you feel, and tell him you want not to have such anger against him. That's all I can really think of. Good luck.

I'm sorry if I gave the impression I've been able to sincerely pray right now. No, I can offer my blessing on my meal, say an evening minimalistic prayer, but sincerely open my heart, no nothing like that. I don't trust God anymore.

Like I said at the start, I don't even know if I want it to be true anymore. Right now an eternal grave doesn't sound all that bad.

[Vort]

Like I said at the start, I don't even know if I want it to be true anymore. Right now an eternal grave doesn't sound all that bad.

On a Scout trip a few years back, my son fell off a cliff and broke his femur (and was extremely blessed not to have broken his neck). The pain was so excruciating that he was begging his Scout leader to shoot him, only partially in jest. Recently, in another extremely painful episode, he told his mother he wished he could "just die".

But his life is full, rich, and beautiful, and he would certainly not trade his life away just to avoid short but painful episodes. He knows that, at least when he is not in the midst of pain.

I think it is the same with you. You are an eternal being, with joyful episodes behind you and far more joyful episodes before you. But you are currently in a painful period and want relief and release. I don't blame you. But try to keep a larger perspective through your pain.

This, too, shall pass, eventually. And when it finally does, you will be a better man for having weathered it, and you will be very happy to still be around to enjoy the fruits of your painful experiences. "All these things...shall be for thy good." Remember it and believe it.

[Leah]

On a Scout trip a few years back, my son fell off a cliff and broke his femur (and was extremely blessed not to have broken his neck). The pain was so excruciating that he was begging his Scout leader to shoot him, only partially in jest. Recently, in another extremely painful episode, he told his mother he wished he could "just die".

But his life is full, rich, and beautiful, and he would certainly not trade his life away just to avoid short but painful episodes. He knows that, at least when he is not in the midst of pain.

I think it is the same with you. You are an eternal being, with joyful episodes behind you and far more joyful episodes before you. But you are currently in a painful period and want relief and release. I don't blame you. But try to keep a larger perspective through your pain.

This, too, shall pass, eventually. And when it finally does, you will be a better man for having weathered it, and you will be very happy to still be around to enjoy the fruits of your painful experiences. "All these things...shall be for thy good." Remember it and believe it.

Sometimes "this too shall pass" never actually happens in this life.

For most of my life, I didn't understand why anyone would commit suicide. But now I understand that emotional pain can be as unrelenting as physical pain.

[jayanna]

First of all, I truly believe that your singlehood is temporary. Eternity is a long time my friend, there are many many people who have lived on this Earth and while here could not experience marriage or having children. I don't for a moment believe that those blessings are never going to made available to worthy, caring, righteous people.

The Lord knows how hard it is for you to wait and feel lonely, He has experienced loneliness, and feeling abandoned. He has been denied, and lived a short life which missed out on many of the comforts and blessings that are available to us. But we all know that eternity will be different. John the Baptist also did not have much of a chance to have a bunch of kids, his head was lopped off! There are a lot of people who do not even have control over their own bodies and have faced lifelong disabilities which keep them even from communicating, and that have little hope of getting married, but eternity is a long time! They will be healed of these infirmities and can recieve all of the blessings that were not available during this estate. The plan of happiness does not garauntee that we will be happy now, but if we live up to what we are taught we will have a fullness of joy later.

Stay worthy of a righteous temple marriage. He has not given up on you, don't you give up on Him.

Concerning the single brethren in your ward, there is a priesthood holder that cares about and understands them...and it's you. I'm sure some of them have felt a loss of hope that you are experiencing right now, and I'm sure that some of them will experience it in the future. Pull through this, so that when any one of them go through this, you can tell them from deep personal experience how to overcome this. You are not alone.... there's a talk titled 'None Were With Him'

Thank you, Sister Thompson, and thanks to the remarkable women of this Church. Brothers and sisters, my Easter-season message today is intended for everyone, but it is directed in a special way to those who are alone or feel alone or, worse yet, feel abandoned. These might include those longing to be married, those who have lost a spouse, and those who have lost—or have never been blessed with—children. Our empathy embraces wives forsaken by their husbands, husbands whose wives have walked away, and children bereft of one or the other of their parents—or both. This group can find within its broad circumference a soldier far from home, a missionary in those first weeks of homesickness, or a father out of work, afraid the fear in his eyes will be visible to his family. In short it can include all of us at various times in our lives.To all such, I speak of the loneliest journey ever made and the unending blessings it brought to all in the human family. I speak of the Savior’s solitary task of shouldering alone the burden of our salvation. Rightly He would say: “I have trodden the winepress alone; and of the people there was none with me. … I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold [me].” 1

I would like to challenge you to read that talk once again. I think you will find that you are not as alone as you might have thought.

[JosephP]

Sometimes "this too shall pass" never actually happens in this life.

For most of my life, I didn't understand why anyone would commit suicide. But now I understand that emotional pain can be as unrelenting as physical pain.

Actually the attitude of "this too shall pass" can lead to deep depression as we become complacent to misfortune and fail to strive against fixing it. The attitude of just waiting in hopes of things getting better on their own is a out growth of that attitude.

I think you are right, emotional pain is as unrelenting as physical pain, and in many ways far harder to live with. Physical pain can be treated medically, can be understood by those around us. Emotional pain is unrelieved, often unsupported by loved ones. It drains hope and leads to despair far more often then physical pain.

[JosephP]

First of all, I truly believe that your singlehood is temporary. Eternity is a long time my friend, there are many many people who have lived on this Earth and while here could not experience marriage or having children. I don't for a moment believe that those blessings are never going to made available to worthy, caring, righteous people.

The Lord knows how hard it is for you to wait and feel lonely, He has experienced loneliness, and feeling abandoned. He has been denied, and lived a short life which missed out on many of the comforts and blessings that are available to us. But we all know that eternity will be different. John the Baptist also did not have much of a chance to have a bunch of kids, his head was lopped off! There are a lot of people who do not even have control over their own bodies and have faced lifelong disabilities which keep them even from communicating, and that have little hope of getting married, but eternity is a long time! They will be healed of these infirmities and can recieve all of the blessings that were not available during this estate. The plan of happiness does not garauntee that we will be happy now, but if we live up to what we are taught we will have a fullness of joy later.

Stay worthy of a righteous temple marriage. He has not given up on you, don't you give up on Him.

Concerning the single brethren in your ward, there is a priesthood holder that cares about and understands them...and it's you. I'm sure some of them have felt a loss of hope that you are experiencing right now, and I'm sure that some of them will experience it in the future. Pull through this, so that when any one of them go through this, you can tell them from deep personal experience how to overcome this. You are not alone.... there's a talk titled 'None Were With Him'

Thank you, Sister Thompson, and thanks to the remarkable women of this Church. Brothers and sisters, my Easter-season message today is intended for everyone, but it is directed in a special way to those who are alone or feel alone or, worse yet, feel abandoned. These might include those longing to be married, those who have lost a spouse, and those who have lost—or have never been blessed with—children. Our empathy embraces wives forsaken by their husbands, husbands whose wives have walked away, and children bereft of one or the other of their parents—or both. This group can find within its broad circumference a soldier far from home, a missionary in those first weeks of homesickness, or a father out of work, afraid the fear in his eyes will be visible to his family. In short it can include all of us at various times in our lives.To all such, I speak of the loneliest journey ever made and the unending blessings it brought to all in the human family. I speak of the Savior’s solitary task of shouldering alone the burden of our salvation. Rightly He would say: “I have trodden the winepress alone; and of the people there was none with me. … I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold [me].” 1

I would like to challenge you to read that talk once again. I think you will find that you are not as alone as you might have thought.

Thank you. I will deeply consider it. As I've said, I don't doubt the gospel is true, my doubt is in myself, if I will chose to fight through this darkness by trying to find a shred of my shattered hope, or if I will just give in to despair. The darkness of despair looms large in my life right now, the light of hope is but a dying ember far off, as if from another time and place.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm sorry if I gave the impression I've been able to sincerely pray right now. No, I can offer my blessing on my meal, say an evening minimalistic prayer, but sincerely open my heart, no nothing like that. I don't trust God anymore.

Like I said at the start, I don't even know if I want it to be true anymore. Right now an eternal grave doesn't sound all that bad.

Joseph, could you pray if you tell God how you really feel? I mean like take a walk in the woods where you will be alone and walk and talk out loud, vent. Tell Him you are really angry. If you were angry with a friend or sibling that had perviously been important in your life, wouldn't you tell them?

I have been angry with God and sometimes I tell Him about it, sometimes I simply say, "I am so angry with you that I cant even talk to you right now."

I have not been struck by lighting...not even once. I say that teasingly, but I think sometimes people hold back from God because they feel guilty or ashamed...but He already knows so why not clear the air so to speak?

If you aren't ready for that, that is ok too. I'm just "brainstorming" with you. :)

[JudoMinja]

Sometimes, what we need in order to hold on to our hope is something to strive for. Singlehood can become rather depressing, because so much lies outside our own hands. Much is in the hands of others- our potential spouse, and the Lord. The longer you remain single, the more you see people around you that are married and the harder it is to find other singles who might make a good match for you. That hopelessness comes when you feel you are doing all you can to improve or alter your circumstances, but it just isn't enough. So you need to find a different direction- a different motivation- something different to strive for.

I believe that when we are engaged in the Lord's work and doing our part, He prepares a way for us to receive the righteous desires of our hearts in His time. All those "His ways are not our ways" quotes are more about accepting His will for our lives and learning to redirect ourselves when things don't seem to be going the way we planned. We must keep ourselves open to other opportunities, constantly reevaluate our goals, and seek His guidance prayerfully to know what He would have us do.

Part of "His work" is improving ourselves, and these improvements will prepare you for a spouse. That means that even if your dating pool is small, even if you're longing that marriage and loathing singlehood, anything you do to better yourself and draw nearer to the Lord will bring you closer to your goal. Remember that marriage is a three-way relationship, between you, your spouse, and the Lord. You should be doing everything you can to make the "triangle" small, by drawing closer to your spouse and to God. When the third end of the triangle is unknown, the best thing you can do is draw near to God.

The fact that you are angry right now is okay. You are mourning a loss of a potential relationship and you are having to shift your focus, which is hard. Whenever our plans for ourselves don't work out, it causes frustration, which can lead to anger or depression or both. In order to transition out of that phase of anger though, you need to shift your focus and bring your goals for yourself more in line with what the Lord intends for you. Think of the serenity prayer- let go of the things you can't control and work to change the things you can. Don't let your life become static- keep moving forward. Always look for ways you can improve yourself and progress forward.

I know I'm still pretty young, but I often feel the frustration of wishing I were married but still being single. Whenever I feel like I'm hitting a roadblock, I just reorient myself and see if there's anything different I could be doing to improve myself and my situation. If I'm doing everything I can, I take some deep breaths and remind myself that everything will come together as the Lord sees fit, and there's nothing wrong with being single. Yep. I said it. And I'll say it again. There's nothing wrong with being single.

With all the focus on "the family" at church, it can be hard to not feel like an oddball as a single person. However, you still have a family and are part of a family. There's your parents, your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. And then there's your "ward family". Help with Boy Scouts. Do your home teaching. Do temple work for your ancestors. Go on splits with the missionaries. Be involved in ward activities. The ward is your family. The more active and involved you are in others lives, the harder it is to feel angry or depressed. I know it can be difficult with some wards to find ways to stay busy, but be proactive and don't give up.

You shouldn't put your life on hold just because you are single. Go. Do. Act. Live. Keep yourself busy, and live in a way that you can feel satisified with yourself and your accomplishments, even if marraige might never work it's way into your life. You can keep trying and trying and trying, but there is only so much you can control. Just letting go and living your life to it's fullest without putting so much pressure on yourself to find a partner can be absolutely freeing. Don't stop looking- but don't make it the end-all and be-all of your happiness. Do your part in bettering yourself and getting engaged in the Lord's work, and let the Lord guide your life so that marraige will come in His time if it be His will for your life.

[JosephP]

Joseph, could you pray if you tell God how you really feel? I mean like take a walk in the woods where you will be alone and walk and talk out loud, vent. Tell Him you are really angry. If you were angry with a friend or sibling that had perviously been important in your life, wouldn't you tell them?

I have been angry with God and sometimes I tell Him about it, sometimes I simply say, "I am so angry with you that I cant even talk to you right now."

I have not been struck by lighting...not even once. I say that teasingly, but I think sometimes people hold back from God because they feel guilty or ashamed...but He already knows so why not clear the air so to speak?

If you aren't ready for that, that is ok too. I'm just "brainstorming" with you. :)

Let me offer an anolgy. I have long held that in a troubled relationship between two people the person who knows they are in the wrong refuses to speak about it, while the person who believes they are in the right won't shut up. In this case I know it is not possible for God to be in the wrong, yet I willfully refuse to accept that he was kept his part of the covenant. I'm feeling rage, unwilling to accept his will. I'd rather abandon everything I know is true than accept this.

Of course I know how stupid that sounds, but while I have many faults, hypocrisy isn't one of them. For me to admit that any part of me feels this is right would be a lie. All that I feel tells me God is wrong, I won't accept this. I don't want to reason it out, I want my will in this. How exactly should I pray? "Dear God, everything I am tells me this is false, but help to to accept it!" That's too much like hypocrisy and blind faith for me.

Perhaps over time my rage will subside, but right now it doesn't feel like I would be submitting to the will of a loving Heavenly Father, but subjecting myself to the unstoppable injustice of an indifferent supreme being. Until I can loving submit, my anger leads me to angry defiance.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Let me offer an anolgy. I have long held that in a troubled relationship between two people the person who knows they are in the wrong refuses to speak about it, while the person who believes they are in the right won't shut up.

I will have to ponder that some more...my relationships dont work that way.

Of course I know how stupid that sounds,

Don't worry, I understand irrational feelings, I have plenty myself.

How do you deal with your anger about other things and with other people? I do not have an agenda here, the question is sincere. Anger is a difficult emotion for me to allow myself to feel and express, so I am genuinely interested in how other people deal with it. But also I am remembering that the best help I have received is from my therapist who never tells me what to do, but asks me questions that help me find my own answers. So I thought asking an open question, no agenda, "how have you dealt with anger in the past." Might bring something to your mind that would be useful. I have no idea what that might be.