Blended families

[Bini]

When joining a newly blended family, there's sure to be some tension in the household, especially when children (under 18) are dealing with loss or absence of a biological parent, and are now dealing with a new mother or father figure.

Can we agree that step-parents have a responsibility to unconditionally love their step-children? Even if it doesn't come easy, or natural, it's the step-parents responsibility to treat their step-children as their own? Right? But does the same apply to the step-children? Is it their responsibility to unconditionally love their step-parent?

I thought about this, trying to place myself in this very situation. If I were a step-parent, I would do my utmost best to show unconditional love to my step-children. But I wouldn't expect them to call me mum, nor would I ever pressure them to do so. I think as long as they are respectful to me, that's good enough under the circumstances, I can't force them to love me like their biological mother (who has either passed, or is absence due to divorce) because I'm NOT their mother. I find it selfish that some step-parents push kids to call them "mother" or "father". If the kids come around right off the bat, or even gradually, great -- but don't force it. From the kids' perspectives.. I think respect is all that is needed towards their step-parent. I don't believe they are required to love their step-parent as THEIR parent because they already have a mother/father.. Just not living in the household anymore. In addition, the children are not responsible for either the death or divorce, so to pressure kids to show unconditional love towards a step-parent is a bit rough -- respect -- absolutely but not necessarily love as with their biological parent.

Thoughts? (This topic stems from yet another Hallmark movie I've watched this week.. Lol).

[Maureen]

When joining a newly blended family, there's sure to be some tension in the household, especially when children (under 18) are dealing with loss or absence of a biological parent, and are now dealing with a new mother or father figure.

Can we agree that step-parents have a responsibility to unconditionally love their step-children? Even if it doesn't come easy, or natural, it's the step-parents responsibility to treat their step-children as their own? Right?...

I wouldn't agree that a step-parent would treat their step-children exactly as their own. When is comes to discipline that should be the responsibility of the biological parent and not the step parent.

M.

[classylady]

My husband had full custody of his two children from his former marriage. I raised my step-children since they were the ages of 2 and 4. They were calling me mom before DH and I were even married (which did not go over well with their biological mother). They wanted to call me "mom". They wanted a mom in their life, not a part time parent. I did not give them birth, but I loved them, sacrificed for them, gave them my all as I did with my own biological children. There was no distinction between them and my biological children in our home. I disciplined them as i did my own (which worked, I think, because they were so young when DH and I married). I believe step-children should respect their step-parent just as they would their biological parent. Who is the one cooking their meals, washing their laundry, buying their clothes, taking care of them in illness, helping them with homework, making Halloween costumes for them, loving them etc.? In my case, it was me, the step-parent.

[Bini]

My husband had full custody of his two children from his former marriage. I raised my step-children since they were the ages of 2 and 4. They were calling me mom before DH and I were even married (which did not go over well with their biological mother). They wanted to call me "mom". They wanted a mom in their life, not a part time parent. I did not give them birth, but I loved them, sacrificed for them, gave them my all as I did with my own biological children. There was no distinction between them and my biological children in our home. I disciplined them as i did my own (which worked, I think, because they were so young when DH and I married). I believe step-children should respect their step-parent just as they would their biological parent. Who is the one cooking their meals, washing their laundry, buying their clothes, taking care of them in illness, helping them with homework, making Halloween costumes for them, loving them etc.? In my case, it was me, the step-parent.

Thanks for sharing. I think when children are very young, there's less tension. I think when they're school-aged, especially preteens and teenagers, the adjustment can be very challenging.

[Guest]

I wouldn't agree that a step-parent would treat their step-children exactly as their own. When is comes to discipline that should be the responsibility of the biological parent and not the step parent.

M.

I disagree. And this is why more often than not, the losers in a blended family are the children. Step-parents hold the same influence on the children as the biological parents. The conflict between biological parents and their spouses should not bleed into the children. When you're in a blended family, the discipline of the children should remain consistent regardless of biological/step parenting. Therefore, how the biological parent and the step parent handle discipline should be consistent across all children - step or biological. And all parents are responsible for it. Just because you're a step-parent does not give you the option to pass.

[Guest]

When joining a newly blended family, there's sure to be some tension in the household, especially when children (under 18) are dealing with loss or absence of a biological parent, and are now dealing with a new mother or father figure.

Can we agree that step-parents have a responsibility to unconditionally love their step-children? Even if it doesn't come easy, or natural, it's the step-parents responsibility to treat their step-children as their own? Right? But does the same apply to the step-children? Is it their responsibility to unconditionally love their step-parent?

I thought about this, trying to place myself in this very situation. If I were a step-parent, I would do my utmost best to show unconditional love to my step-children. But I wouldn't expect them to call me mum, nor would I ever pressure them to do so. I think as long as they are respectful to me, that's good enough under the circumstances, I can't force them to love me like their biological mother (who has either passed, or is absence due to divorce) because I'm NOT their mother. I find it selfish that some step-parents push kids to call them "mother" or "father". If the kids come around right off the bat, or even gradually, great -- but don't force it. From the kids' perspectives.. I think respect is all that is needed towards their step-parent. I don't believe they are required to love their step-parent as THEIR parent because they already have a mother/father.. Just not living in the household anymore. In addition, the children are not responsible for either the death or divorce, so to pressure kids to show unconditional love towards a step-parent is a bit rough -- respect -- absolutely but not necessarily love as with their biological parent.

Thoughts? (This topic stems from yet another Hallmark movie I've watched this week.. Lol).

I agree with you here.

The parents chose to break the family. The children didn't. They are not obligated to love step-parents but they are obligated to show them respect.

[Maureen]

I disagree. And this is why more often than not, the losers in a blended family are the children. Step-parents hold the same influence on the children as the biological parents. The conflict between biological parents and their spouses should not bleed into the children. When you're in a blended family, the discipline of the children should remain consistent regardless of biological/step parenting. Therefore, how the biological parent and the step parent handle discipline should be consistent across all children - step or biological. And all parents are responsible for it. Just because you're a step-parent does not give you the option to pass.

It appears we're both right. :)

As parents in a blended family the most important issue you will face is how your children will be disciplined. Child discipline in the blended family is something you should discuss and set rules about before marrying.

In the beginning the biological parent should be responsible for the discipline of his/her child. As the stepparent gets to know the child and develops a relationship their role of disciplinarian can be introduced into the relationship.

It is crucial that at some point each biological parent be permitted to and feels comfortable disciplining all the children in a blended family situation. Each parent should ultimately have a role of authority in the children’s lives but only after bonding has occurred and relationships have been established.

As in any family it is important to give children plenty of love and balance that love with firm boundaries. This can be more difficult in the blended family until bonds have been formed and trust developed between the stepparents and children.

Blended Family - Child Discipline In The Blended Family

M.

[Guest]

It appears we're both right. :)

As parents in a blended family the most important issue you will face is how your children will be disciplined. Child discipline in the blended family is something you should discuss and set rules about before marrying.

In the beginning the biological parent should be responsible for the discipline of his/her child. As the stepparent gets to know the child and develops a relationship their role of disciplinarian can be introduced into the relationship.

It is crucial that at some point each biological parent be permitted to and feels comfortable disciplining all the children in a blended family situation. Each parent should ultimately have a role of authority in the children’s lives but only after bonding has occurred and relationships have been established.

As in any family it is important to give children plenty of love and balance that love with firm boundaries. This can be more difficult in the blended family until bonds have been formed and trust developed between the stepparents and children.

Blended Family - Child Discipline In The Blended Family

M.

Sounds good. With only one differing opinion - I do not believe one should marry (or move in together) unless bonds have been formed and trust developed between the adults and the children.

[pam]

Sounds good. With only one differing opinion - I do not believe one should marry (or move in together) unless bonds have been formed and trust developed between the adults and the children.

Just a question on this. What if the adults have similar disciplinary styles but the children just will never get on with the potential step parent? So do you just never get married?

[Bini]

I don't believe there's one manual, or one way, in successfully having a blended family. There's just too many variables in the mix, and each of those variables will differ from family to family. But respect is a MUST have in every case. With time, and patience, I believe love will come.

Just a question on this. What if the adults have similar disciplinary styles but the children just will never get on with the potential step parent? So do you just never get married?

In response to the above. Ultimately, children don't decide who their parents remarry, however, I think some very serious consideration should be taken before tying the knot. If your biological children outright HATE their potential stepparent, this needs to be addressed and if no solution can be resolved, perhaps marriage SHOULD be postponed. I've read and I've heard too many stories where people remarry but their kids are up in arms about it -- they outright despise their stepparent and will do whatever it takes to sabotage the marriage -- sometimes this in fact ends the marriage.

I think it's important couples are aware of the impact of remarrying into a blended family. Are they willing to make it work no matter what? Is step-mum or step-dad willing to be patient with their stepchildren that are likely going through many emotions of confusion and anger?

[Guest]

Just a question on this. What if the adults have similar disciplinary styles but the children just will never get on with the potential step parent? So do you just never get married?

Yep.

This is not just divorce, by the way - this is death of spouse too.

On second/third/etc. marriages, you don't marry as two single people becoming a couple starting a family. You marry as an already established family extending its boundaries. The decision, therefore, does not only rest with the adults, but the children as well - as members of that family. Of course, when the children are themselves adults, then their opinion on the union may not have as much sway as they are now on the fringes of the sphere of influence of the family.

In my honest opinion - those who marry without settling differences with the children - are putting their own selfish interests above the interest of the family... which, in a lot of cases is the cause of the divorce in the first place. So... this cycle continues on and on causing more divorces down the line.

[kevieb]

I grew up in a blended family and I raised a blended family. It is not easy for everyone, adult or child, to automatically love a new parent or child that has come into their life---especially if it wasn't by their choice. However, there should always be respect and kindness---love can grow from there.

Sometimes a lot of the differences between step-parents and children don't appear until after the marriage has already happened and everyone starts to go about living their lives normally---only to discover that not everyone has the same "normal".

[annewandering]

My husband had a child, 5 years old, from a previous marriage. He was not happy to have me around although we got along fine. My husband is not and never will be a disciplinarian for that was pretty much my job although his son never was disrespectful. Later as a teenager he came to live with us because of problems at home, many due to his mom putting his step dad first in all things even when he was being beaten. He and I got along really well. He loved his step sisters and they loved him.

From this experience, I feel that it is a very individual thing. His step dad and he did not get along at all yet he and I did.