I just found out my husband has been cheating on me.

[Bobkatt]

We have been married for 17 years. I am 60 and he is 55. We have no children. The marriage has been sexless for about 8 years now. I have been catching him for years with internet matchups and emailing and some phone calling. He always denies it and starts a fight over something else to not talk about the problem.

We were both laid off from work 2 years ago and just completed bankrupty. The house in in forclosure and the bank will take it soon.

Both of my parents recently passed away. And I have inherited their house and some money.

I am also now left to care for my downs syndrome brother that is 42 years old.

My parents house has a legal rental and my brother gets social secutiry and My parents left me enough that we can live on it for about 6 more years.

I am very heavy and so is my husband. So when prospective employers see over people in their 50's it is impossible to get a job.

My husband is 6"4" and he weighs 350 lbs. He can still get woman interested in him because there are so many lonly woman out there.

I have just checked the cable phone account and see 2 different woman that have been calling him and that he is calling. He makes these calls late at night when I am sleeping or when I am out shopping.

I just confronted him with the calls and he is furious he says I am spying on him.

What should I do?

[NeuroTypical]

A few questions,

Why is your marriage sexless?

What prompted you, a catholic, to join an LDS forum just to ask this question?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Bobkatt, I am so sorry. You have been through a lot recently. I don't feel like I have enough information to give you advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your pain.

[All_Apologies]

This sounds like a hard problem. I am so sorry this is happening. Prayers sent up for you.

[Hyena]

First off let me preface by saying that I am truly sorry for what you are going through and my heart, love, and support go out to you earnestly.

Secondly, let me provide you full disclosure:

1. I am not a member of the LDS church, although someday I would hope to be, should I find way to resolve my fears in doing so, but that is another matter altogether.

2. I am not a certified counselor, therapist, or expert in dating advice. I am a humble man with humble thoughts and I probably have made more mistakes in love than a person should be allowed.

Thirdly, As a Catholic, I believe I might be able to empathize somewhat. In fairness, I don't think our faith puts the emphasis on the importance of family the way the LDS people seem to, which is one of the more appealing aspects of their faith to me.

Lastly, I'm a rather young man, just in my 30's and thus please accept any offerings I might have here in the realm of advice to be understandably lacking in terms of experience due to the short-sightedness of youth.

That out of the way, Here is my thoughts.

Marriage is a holy union, a covenant... moreso it is a partnership. Like any partnership, there must exist an amount of give and take and work must be done to ensure that both sides are suitably satisfied. This oft times requires the one thing most people are the least willing to give: Sacrifice.

My first thought is to your statement about how your marriage has been sexless. That is probably one major factor right there. A man and wife MUST be intimate in their relationships. Especially since sadly us males have urges we cannot resist entirely too long. Sure we can discipline ourselves to remain chaste, but usually this is with the understanding that someday we will have a wife and thus be able to carry out our carnal urges in a more productive manner. But even the best of us, let me tell you, sexual desire is a beast locked in a cage within our hearts.. and it is always there.. smouldering, pacing too and fro, gnashing.. waiting for its chance to be freed from it's constraints. Sometimes, the cage weakens.. or someone else comes along and opens the door...

But besides the problem of sex, which I have to wonder and ask WHY is your marriage sexless, there also is the major concern of financial hardship. It is my understanding that nothing ends more marriages in this world than financial stress and woe. So compound that with the lack of physical intimacy and you've got a recipe for disaster. For us men, being a breadwinner and providing goes far in curtailing our other baser desires and satisfying our emotional stability. At least from my own observations as a young man. In more basic terms, idle hands are the devil's playthings, so a man who stays busy taking care of his woman tends to find less time for straying away. Again, I could be wrong.

But all of these trials are only sent to test us by the deceiver I believe. When you marry, it is to be through the worst and best of times under God and with his approval. You've made a commitment. So what must be happening is that somewhere in that commitment, something went awry.. and it may not be entirely one person's fault or the other. Have you tried speaking to your husband candidly? Calmly? If he's cheating or not, the bond of trust is obviously in great disrepair and having a confrontation about it will only serve to exasperate the situation. Instead, there needs to be an understanding that regardless of what HAS happened, it is now past. The Rubicon has been crossed, all you can do is focus upon the future.

I would seek the counsel of your Priest if you are active in your church and even if you are not. I would speak to your husband and ask him what he feels has changed in your relationship, and what he would like to see happen in order to improve it. I would also begin to work on yourself. You mentioned you were a heavy woman. There's no need to be. Start walking, start finding ways to excite yourself into eating healthier and having a healthier lifestyle. This sort of positive hobby will give you a better sense of esteem and self-concept, which are integral to improving any relationship. Positive changes in yourself and not being so focused on your husband's doings will simultaneously aid you in coping and navigating through this stressful terrain, but it will also impact your husband. He may begin to see you in a new light and sometimes that's all it takes to reignite a spark that has long since began to wane into an ebbing ember.

And pray. Prayer is far better than worrying and fretting.

[peanutgallery]

Honestly, I would consider getting a divorce in this situation. He is not remorseful and there is no way to have a marriage with that kind of dishonesty. You are now in a position to take care of yourself. Don't let him make you take care of him while he is out with other women.

I know some will question you about why you had a sexless marriage. That doesn't matter anymore. Even if you were the coldest, most frigid woman on earth, it doesn't excuse his infidelity. He had other options and he chose the coward's way. You are not to blame for his cheating. You may have some blame in a bad marriage but you did not make him cheat. That is all on him.

Take care of yourself. Protect your inheritance. Even if you are in a community property state, that is all yours until you spend it on something you jointly own. See a lawyer ASAP.