Didn't get the miracle I wanted... but

[skippy740]

I acknolwedge I received three different miracles from the grace of God.

Today, my divorce is finalized. While the mother of my children (that sounds so much better than 'ex') acknowledges and appreciates the recent changes I've made and am striving to continue to make, she admits that she needs time to review and let go of the past. Her present situation is a result of our past, and just needs more time. Probably has a lot of resentment.

I did watch the kids while she attended a temple session to pray about it.

Miracle #1: She did not get a distinct impression to go through with the divorce, but not necessarily an answer to stay in the marriage. (Stupor of thought?)

I'll give credit where credit is due. She took that as a sign to "do what you want to do".

Miracle #2: Thanks to this book http://www.lds.net/forums/book-club/50563-emotionally-abusive-relationship-beverly-engel.html, I'm not taking this as personally as I feared I would. I'm not completely dejected... because I know what happened, am acknowledging it, and have a plan to make it better. If I had NO answers, I would be much more bitter than I am right now.

Strangely enough, I have a sense of resolve - to make things right and better. It's also nice to just let this divorce go through, so I'm not continuously fearing the divorce. It has happened, it's done. Time to look forward.

Miracle #3: (And this one is AMAZING). My mother in law has been noticing some changes with me and asked her if she really wanted to go through with this divorce. She even said that "if he keeps making changes, I can see you guys back together again."

I could've sworn that she HATED me! So this is quite the shocker to me when she told me. I'm still in disbelief about that.

So, no, I couldn't prevent the divorce. However, I think we are going to be establishing a better foundation for the future. It will take some time... so I guess I'm going to have to finally learn 'patience'. :)

I think a bigger miracle is in progress... but that'll take more time.

I want to thank everyone on the forum for your prayers and thoughts that were sent my way. I've felt them and appreciate them. I'm a little 'down', but I'm not out. Things will work out over time.

[Backroads]

Hugs for skippy.

[Guest]

Do something nice for yourself today, skippy. Go out to your favorite meal or something.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Hugs Skippy. Thanks for being real and sharing your struggles. You are inspiring to me.

[skippy740]

Do something nice for yourself today, skippy. Go out to your favorite meal or something.

I've had so much worry and less sleep, that I think a good long nap ought to do it. :)

[Bini]

I was not aware of your personal situation but I appreciate your post. The Lord works in mysterious ways. That's what I keep reminding myself :) Best wishes to you, Skippy.

[garryw]

This reminds me of the time I got an email at work from my lawyer indicating the judge just stamped my divorce. I said to the guy sitting next to me "I've been divorced for ten minutes". His response was "what are you doing at work, go celebrate!"

Moral of the story: there is none, but his response was funny.

PS - I got sealed to my (2nd) wife just 3 weeks ago.

[Anddenex]

Hugs for skippy.

Skippy, for clarification, this is a manly hug where I shake your hand, pull you closer, and then pat your back with my left hand... keeping it real.

[Backroads]

Skippy, for clarification, this is a manly hug where I shake your hand, pull you closer, and then pat your back with my left hand... keeping it real.

It had better be. I think the way guys hug is the coolest thing on the planet.

Though if I were really truly giving real-life skippy a hug, he would get a big squeeze and possibly a kiss on the cheek cuz I'm like that.

[skippy740]

All in all, I think her decision was more about her than me now. She needed a sense of closure on that part of her life. Not to forget it, but to say that "this chapter is done". I'm sad that it took a divorce to do that, but not all hope is lost.

[Guest kshRox]

I acknolwedge I received three different miracles from the grace of God.

Today, my divorce is finalized. While the mother of my children (that sounds so much better than 'ex') acknowledges and appreciates the recent changes I've made and am striving to continue to make, she admits that she needs time to review and let go of the past. Her present situation is a result of our past, and just needs more time. Probably has a lot of resentment.

I did watch the kids while she attended a temple session to pray about it.

Miracle #1: She did not get a distinct impression to go through with the divorce, but not necessarily an answer to stay in the marriage. (Stupor of thought?)

I'll give credit where credit is due. She took that as a sign to "do what you want to do".

Miracle #2: Thanks to this book http://www.lds.net/forums/book-club/50563-emotionally-abusive-relationship-beverly-engel.html, I'm not taking this as personally as I feared I would. I'm not completely dejected... because I know what happened, am acknowledging it, and have a plan to make it better. If I had NO answers, I would be much more bitter than I am right now.

Strangely enough, I have a sense of resolve - to make things right and better. It's also nice to just let this divorce go through, so I'm not continuously fearing the divorce. It has happened, it's done. Time to look forward.

Miracle #3: (And this one is AMAZING). My mother in law has been noticing some changes with me and asked her if she really wanted to go through with this divorce. She even said that "if he keeps making changes, I can see you guys back together again."

I could've sworn that she HATED me! So this is quite the shocker to me when she told me. I'm still in disbelief about that.

So, no, I couldn't prevent the divorce. However, I think we are going to be establishing a better foundation for the future. It will take some time... so I guess I'm going to have to finally learn 'patience'. :)

I think a bigger miracle is in progress... but that'll take more time.

I want to thank everyone on the forum for your prayers and thoughts that were sent my way. I've felt them and appreciate them. I'm a little 'down', but I'm not out. Things will work out over time.

Why do you want to stay in a relationship where you are obviously not valued?

"The Mother of your Children" can't decide whether she wants to be with you or not and you stand there waiting for her to make up her mind on your value?

It is a strange society we live in where women who treat men as objects are lauded for their empowerment and men who treat women as object are derided as pigs. And what are you but an object she is evaluating on whether you add more or less value to her - which is why I say she is deciding your value.

Divorce is hard and ugly, especially on the children but I would never allow myself to be put in a position where another determines my value as a human being. And the argument, "what about the children" - what about the children who see men as nothing more that emasculated props for empowered women.

[skippy740]

That is an interesting opinion. The difference is what is contained in the link to the book I mentioned. The link isn't to Amazon, but a thread I started here about the contents of the book.

I needed to know where I went wrong and what my tendencies are. The book is very balanced between the abuser and the abused. I needed to see my behavior through a "3rd party" and that's where this book helped. It also helped me to see how she may have been interpreting my actions as much more personal than they were intended.

Basically, I could do better, and now I have a map on how I've been and where to make changes.

I caused her to devalue me. Our relationship didn't start out this way. It eroded over several years. Now I know where I need to go to work.

Besides, I want my kids sealed to me. I've never mentioned that on this forum before. Unless we can reconcile, we won't be able to have our kids sealed to ourselves in this life. This is important to me, and I know it's important to her as well.

[Guest kshRox]

That is an interesting opinion. The difference is what is contained in the link to the book I mentioned. The link isn't to Amazon, but a thread I started here about the contents of the book.

I needed to know where I went wrong and what my tendencies are. The book is very balanced between the abuser and the abused. I needed to see my behavior through a "3rd party" and that's where this book helped. It also helped me to see how she may have been interpreting my actions as much more personal than they were intended.

Basically, I could do better, and now I have a map on how I've been and where to make changes.

I caused her to devalue me. Our relationship didn't start out this way. It eroded over several years. Now I know where I need to go to work.

Besides, I want my kids sealed to me. I've never mentioned that on this forum before. Unless we can reconcile, we won't be able to have our kids sealed to ourselves in this life. This is important to me, and I know it's important to her as well.

I wish you luck, I truly do.

I pray for your sake, your children and your wife who hopefully realizes what she has in an imperfect male (as we all are even with Gods Grace) who does do, say and see things from an impatient or even insensitive perspective offers as a committed loving partner, husband and father.

I hope you also, regardless of her choice know your own value and worth in Gods eyes as well as others such as your mother in-law who see how you carry yourself through this difficult situation.

I am a divorced single father with custody of my children so although I like to see myself as strong and independent I may still have a tinge of bitterness around the edges.

A book I thoroughly enjoyed is Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

Edited December 13, 2012 by kshRox

[Suzie]

Skippy740, I don't know you or your situation but I just want to tell you that I hope everything works out for you in the end. I really mean it. *hugs*

[Just_A_Guy]

Skippy, for clarification, this is a manly hug where I shake your hand, pull you closer, and then pat your back with my left hand... keeping it real.

Even conventional, full-bodied hugs are "manly" so long as the associated back-patting is done as more of a slap, making it clearly audible to everyone in the room.

Garryw, one of the odder parts of my job is contacting clients and informing them that their divorces are final. Saying "congratulations" still sounds weird, but generally the news seems to come as such a relief that it really is the right word, all things considered.