Need help with being childless in the church

[stltraveler]

I know the title sounds a bit odd, but it's something that has been causing my wife a great deal of trouble. My wife and I are both 35, been married 4 years and don't have children. Due to my wife's medical condition we will most likely never be able to have children, and it's really causing her a lot emotional pain. We are literally the only couple I our ward our age who don't have kids, my wife finds it hard to relate to many of the women because the prime topic of discussion is always what little Sara or little Samuel were up to. My wife wants children in the worst way, she feels as though she is failing as a woman to not raise a family.

As for me, I'm alright with the situation most of the time. There are times that I yearn to be a father, but those moments are often interrupted by the need to render medical care to my wife. I can handle her medical conditions, what I don't know how to do is make her feel more like she fits in. It's hard for her to get the feel of making friends at church, she is a fairly recent convert and the church is a big change from the previous churches she attended. She has problems making it through sacrament meeting much less Sunday school or relief society due to her health, she does associate with several of the sisters who help with getting her to appointments and things when I'm unable. But she still has difficulty finding other sisters to develop those close relationships that are needed.

She pretty much a home body now days since she can't drive, I would love to be able to help her develop sme friends who she can hang out with without her feeling like she's an extra burden to them.

Anyone with any suggestions on how to make her feel more like she belongs? And anyone in the greater St Louis Metro who's interested in making a new friend please feel free to pm me and I'll let her know.

[skippy740]

A couple of ideas I have for you:

1) Does she have a calling? I'd recommend teaching in the primary if possible. This way, she can get to know all the kids in her class and they can become "her kids". This will help her to forge new relationships with more parents.

2) Can she offer to do some babysitting on Fri/Sat evenings for some of the couples? Then she can "borrow their kids", but only for a few hours at a time.

3) Is she a visiting teacher? Is she getting visits from her own visiting teacher?

I mention these ideas first because of your wife's energy level. I'm not sure it would be a good idea to have your own newborn if your wife is having personal health issues already. Babysitting and/or being in the primary, I think, are good 'baby steps' and you don't have to keep the kids 24/7! :)

[dahlia]

Have you not thought of adoption? Surely there are many children who would be blessed to have you as parents. I know of at least 2 couples in my ward that are adoptive parents; it doesn't appear to be frowned upon.

[viannqueen3]

I'm sorry your wife is hurting. We were childless for the first six years of our marriages and in the LDS culture that's a long time. It was REALLY hard. Church was often a harsh reminder of what you don't have. I remember for many years my weekly ritual was to come home from church- I'd immediately curl up in a ball with a blanket in what was supposed to be our future nursery and bawl for a good hour or so. Every week. It sounds so pathetic now, but those childless years having no end in sight were so difficult. Mother's day was usually the worst day of the year so don't be surprised if she falls apart royally at church that day. Absolutely make sure you go all out to celebrate mothers day for her (bring her flowers etc).

I'd encourage her to find local infertility support groups. For me it truly just helped staying busy. I was working full time, more than full time actually and it gave me a chance not to dwell on our infertility issues as much. Encouraging her hobbies, talents, and volunteer opportunities to fill up her time if she isn't working could help. I also think it could be helpful to have a long term plan. Can you both wrap your minds around being childless for the long term? That answer is going to be different for everyone and there are no easy answers. For us we decided that we'd try XXX for a year or two and if that didn't work then we'd try an alternative route. In our case we were both fairly young and healthy and couldn't couldn't imagine our lives without children in the long term. It was just a matter of trying to decide what avenue to bring children to our family and making contingency plans for our contingency plans. Again I'm sorry she's hurting, it must be very difficult on top of the medical issues she is facing.

[mnn727]

DW and I are in our 50's and childless (medical reasons too) -- its hard in a family centered Church, for years we would not go to Church on Mothers Day, then she was called to teach in the Primary and suddenly she has kids depending on which year from 5 - 8 of them - she started with Sunbeams 4 years ago. Its really helped.

If you are planning on adopting, I would do it soon, I think LDS adoptions stop accepting you at age 40 (at least they used to - that may have changed)

[pam]

Have you not thought of adoption? Surely there are many children who would be blessed to have you as parents. I know of at least 2 couples in my ward that are adoptive parents; it doesn't appear to be frowned upon.

Sometimes couples don't qualify for adoption based on health issues. I don't know if this is the case..just saying.

[MormonMama]

Adoption can also be frustratingly expensive. DH and I accepted long ago that adoption would likely never be a possibility for us due to the expense.

I second those who have spoken of serving in Primary. Although I have older children from before my marriage, as the years passed and the children DH and I had expected to have together did not come, I got very discouraged. It seemed as if everyone else in the Church my age was running around after their little ones, while my kids were in high school! Serving in the Primary (DH and I co-taught for several years) really helped patch some of the holes in our hearts, though I do have to say that such a calling didn't entirely erase the pain. I don't think anything can.

[Dove]

I know the title sounds a bit odd, but it's something that has been causing my wife a great deal of trouble. My wife and I are both 35, been married 4 years and don't have children. Due to my wife's medical condition we will most likely never be able to have children, and it's really causing her a lot emotional pain. We are literally the only couple I our ward our age who don't have kids, my wife finds it hard to relate to many of the women because the prime topic of discussion is always what little Sara or little Samuel were up to. My wife wants children in the worst way, she feels as though she is failing as a woman to not raise a family.

As for me, I'm alright with the situation most of the time. There are times that I yearn to be a father, but those moments are often interrupted by the need to render medical care to my wife. I can handle her medical conditions, what I don't know how to do is make her feel more like she fits in. It's hard for her to get the feel of making friends at church, she is a fairly recent convert and the church is a big change from the previous churches she attended. She has problems making it through sacrament meeting much less Sunday school or relief society due to her health, she does associate with several of the sisters who help with getting her to appointments and things when I'm unable. But she still has difficulty finding other sisters to develop those close relationships that are needed.

She pretty much a home body now days since she can't drive, I would love to be able to help her develop sme friends who she can hang out with without her feeling like she's an extra burden to them.

Anyone with any suggestions on how to make her feel more like she belongs? And anyone in the greater St Louis Metro who's interested in making a new friend please feel free to pm me and I'll let her know.

I hurt for your wife (and you) in what sounds to be circumstances rife with opposition.

I relate because I will never be able to have children myself~I struggle with feeling lost as to what my purpose is in the church with being childless. And yes, I have a slew of health problems. So, adopting doesn't seem wise at this point. I have always had a hard time socializing in church. Friends, true friends, I find to be few and far between.

This is not saying that your wife cannot find friends, or be one to others. I don't know what her situation is; but, it sounds like she is confined by her health problems and that gaining friends is difficult for her to do.

Many times in my life, when I've felt or actually been alone, even in a crowd, the Spirit has told me repeatedly that I am not alone. Lately, I feel it is the Savior, reassuring me time and again, that He is my best friend. There have been times in my life when, I believe, my circumstances worked together to bring me to a state of being alone over periods of times. Being alone/lonely is a major theme in my life.

I believe this is for me to turn to God. To let go and let Him. My various problems leave me vulnerable to overly relying on others.....I rely on the "arm of flesh" all too easily. Autonomy and independence are important virtues for me to acquire, along with relying on following God's will for me with my heart, mind, might and strength.

So for me, being alone is teaching me many things. Along with being my own, infinitesimally smaller, Gethsemane.

I feel the whole point of my existence is to come to God. Also, to realize my full potential, as His daughter, in the process.

Just my .02 cents worth.

Best of wishes.

Dove

[mnn727]

Adoption can also be frustratingly expensive. DH and I accepted long ago that adoption would likely never be a possibility for us due to the expense.

Adoption through LDS Social Services costs you 10% of a years income - a tithe

You also need to both have a Temple recommend