How to help with spouse's addiction

[kimzirker]

Let me start by saying I'm an idiot. I never saw my husbands multiple emotional affairs coming or happening. I never saw his NPD/bipolar disorder diagnosis coming. I never saw that he was an alcoholic. So clearly I'm an idiot. And that's ok. I'm not an idiot anymore so that's a plus. After a long, long process we are mending. Or at least we are on the surface. The hurt I've experienced is deep and I'm trusting in The Lord that pain will heal in time. The reason for this post is to ask for help in dealing with a spouse overcoming addiction. He's an alcoholic. I'm wondering what is my role here? We have 5 children and only the oldest knows about it. Things have been better. He goes on and off to Lds addiction meetings. On Saturday, he was cleaning out the garage and found a 'stash'. Drank so much he couldn't stand. He did something he's never done before and brought me the bottles and confessed it to me. Then went to bed. Now I'm just so angry. I can see it's progress but I just hate it and I can hardly stand being around him. What is my role here? What to say/do? Any positive recommendations would be appreciated. :)

[Guest]

Are you going to any support group meetings?

[kimzirker]

No. I'm not sure where I would find ome of those. Can you help? I live in a smaller city-where would I look for that?

[kimzirker]

I do have a therapist and good friends and family that support me. I'm just really confused what role I play here.

[Finrock]

Good evening deniallady. I hope you are doing well! :)

Its hard but if you love him, love him unconditionally. Don't allow him to abuse you, but you need to understand that his addiction is a disease. You getting mad at him is like you getting mad at a paraplegic person because they can't stand up. He can't help his addiction. He is not in control anymore. That is why he needs help. He needs you to support him, to encourage him, and to love him.

For yourself, get the help you need and don't forget about you doing what is right. Pray without ceasing. Read your scriptures. Fast and pray. Fast and pray some more. Strengthen your relationship with Heavenly Father and lean on the atonement of Jesus Christ. You need the Savior. You need the atonement. Ask God to take some of your burdens while you deal with this situation. He can make your load light. I know this by experience.

Sincerely,

Finrock

[Quin]

How to find a Meeting

Q

[skippy740]

Let me start by saying I'm an idiot. I never saw my husbands multiple emotional affairs coming or happening. I never saw his NPD/bipolar disorder diagnosis coming. I never saw that he was an alcoholic. So clearly I'm an idiot. And that's ok. I'm not an idiot anymore so that's a plus. After a long, long process we are mending. Or at least we are on the surface. The hurt I've experienced is deep and I'm trusting in The Lord that pain will heal in time. The reason for this post is to ask for help in dealing with a spouse overcoming addiction. He's an alcoholic. I'm wondering what is my role here? We have 5 children and only the oldest knows about it. Things have been better. He goes on and off to Lds addiction meetings. On Saturday, he was cleaning out the garage and found a 'stash'. Drank so much he couldn't stand. He did something he's never done before and brought me the bottles and confessed it to me. Then went to bed. Now I'm just so angry. I can see it's progress but I just hate it and I can hardly stand being around him. What is my role here? What to say/do? Any positive recommendations would be appreciated. :)

I would change your focus.

He confessed his drinking binge... which means that he didn't hide it from you and seems to want your support and help.

You're supposed to hate it... just don't hate HIM in the process. You know the old saying "Hate the sin, love the sinner"? It's during these times where you get to apply that saying.

My advice: Try not to get angry when he needs your love and support the most... which is when he is wanting it the most... which seems to be now.

Think about this: the worst time to get upset, is when your spouse did something right... by confessing. Does that make any sense? To get mad at him for doing something he did right? Even though it was after doing something stupid?

Most couples hate the deception that addiction brings into the marriage, not just the addiction itself.

[kimzirker]

I can understand what you guys are saying about the anger. I guess there's a bunch of back story that feeds into that and it's too much to try and write about on here. I'm not upset that he came to me. I told him I was proud of him and that he did the right thing. We had several places to be that night which meant that I then had to attend solo. I feel completely ok being angry. I'm still kind and supportive. I hear what you're saying though and I am trying to feel better. My question is really what role does the non addicted spouse play in order to help. I feel helpless and powerless and hopeless. I want him to overcome it, but it's not my addiction to control. So I'm constantly left wondering what I should do. I don't cover up for him anymore. But I guess I do in a sense. The other night I told our little ones that dad was sleeping because he was sick. I don't think I should make them worry, but then I think that maybe if they knew it would help him. It's all very confusing and I'm constantly second guessing all my decisions. I told everyone that my husband was ill and the truth is that he was so drunk-he couldn't walk. I took the kids with me because I was worried about leaving them alone with him. He called in my oldest child repeatedly and slurred how much he loved him. My child asked me if he was drunk. I said yes. I told my friend the real reason why my husband didn't come. But is it considered covering up because I don't tell everyone? I'm hoping this makes sense to someone.

[Misshalfway]

Situations like this ARE hard! It is absolutely confusing when you are trying to love someone who is out of control. It's hard to know the difference between loving support and controlling the uncontrollable. I sometimes get irritated with advice, even from mental health providers, that shame the partner for getting confused by all of it.....as if they wouldn't get confused if it were them.

Sounds like you are trying to balance his feelings and needs, and your feelings and needs, and that it just isn't working. It's like you are splinched. I don't think it's bad advice to instruct you to not get angry at him when he confesses or when he does something right, but I do sympathize with the plight of having no reciprocal support so your anger and frustrations are given equal support. When you've got addiction AND NPD, holy smokes! You've got someone who is really unavailable! And probably insanely manipulative. And this leaves you in a hard place because you are left to hold up the person and the relationship and the family....and hold yourself up too!

Remember the power of detachment. When we detach emotionally and psychologically, we can be the most loving. It's a higher law and harder to do, but much more healthy. We can take care of ourselves with boundaries, getting needs met, and overall coping. AND we can love the other person without getting swept away by their "stuff". It means more loneliness though, and that's just hard. I wish I had a better cure for that. But then we must go to sources who are available to us, like God and friends and self.

When you find yourself in confusion, most likely you've lost your balance on this. You'll feel more clarity when you can get centered again. And you'll relax into more peace when you allow your boundaries to do the work for you. Then the anger will calm down because you aren't stuck in controlling traps. It sounds like this question about whether or not to tell others "the secret" is tripping you up. I can't know what is in the best interest for you. If you let go of controlling outcomes for your husband, it does mean you'll have to deal with some of the fall out. Perhaps this wouldn't be good for you. But what I do know is that controlling outcomes is a trap. Peace comes with letting go. Perhaps its time for you to stop saving your husband from his consequences. Maybe that could be the most loving thing....although I couldn't speak to exactly how that might look in terms of choices.

[kimzirker]

Yes misshalfway. This is exactly my dilemma. I'm good at detaching. That's the only reason I'm even sorta sain right now. But i am just so lonely. Even though I have friends, family, a therapist, and an understanding bishop--I feel alone most of the time. That's where I'm stuck right now. I just can't seem to get back to my center. Thank you for understanding that. If you know anything about bipolar/NPD people-it's hard to get them to realize they need help. He did finally realize it and is taking medication. The alcohol negates the effects of the medication and then he decides he is just fine without medication and so on. So it's just one constant circle of confusion. We make progress and then start over, make progress and then start over. I guess I'm feeling defeated and maybe a little too sorry for myself. I really do appreciate the great advice and kind support. :)

[TalkativeIntrovert]

I strongly suggest a service like Al-anon designed specifically for the family of alcoholics.

I saw my mother lose 40 years of her life to my alcoholic father and in the end, she nursed him for 2 years until he died from alcohol related illnesses. He has been gone for 18 months now and she has blossomed into a wonderful happy person I barely recognise. She refused to get help while he was alive, he refused help as well.

My siblings and I didn't go to al-anon but we read some great books and would talk through it together. As we were further away from the situation, were able to see more clearly, and break free from the destructive cycles. I just wish mum could have joined us, it may have helped dad as well as her.

I feel your pain