Older single less-active

[Zeitgeist]

I converted to the Church in 1996 as a never-married thirtysomething. As an older single man (I guess we call them "midsingles" now), I never really felt like I fitted into LDS culture, and I drifted away and stopped attending. (Right after I was baptized, one ward member found out I was in my 30s and unmarried. The member looked me over and said, "Well, miracles do happen, perhaps in 20 or 30 years you'll find a nice widowed sister who you can take care of.")

Fast-forward to 2013. I'm now in my fifties and still single, but I feel youthful and energetic and successful in my career. Unclear how I got this far without marrying, but it just happened and I accept it.

About a year ago I began feeling a strong prompting to return to the Church. I have a growing testimony that the Gospel is true and that it is best lived through the LDS church. I still follow the Word of Wisdom and follow all the commandments, including the one about chastity.

I'm thinking about finding my assigned ward and becoming active again just to see what unfolds. But I'm very concerned about how older single members are treated in LDS wards. I'm not hunting for a spouse, so I'm not concerned about the number of single women in the ward. But I am concerned about how other LDS members would treat me. I get the feeling that older single men in the Church, especially the never married ones, are sometimes stereotyped as selfish, sinful, undesirable, or downright weird.

It's not going to be easy. I'll have to endure priesthood meetings where the focus will often be on being better husbands and fathers, and I think I am even barred from some callings. Unclear how Family Home Evening would work in my home, because my entire family is me and a cat who I dearly love. But I have changed a lot since my baptism and really would like to test the waters with the Church again. When I joined, my attitude was all "what do I get from being LDS?" and now my attitude is all "how can I live of life of service?"

Are these stereotypes against older never-married men real? Is there anything I could do to deflect them? I live in a major U.S. city on the West Coast, and I've heard that LDS wards here are far more relaxed than ones in, say, Utah. (Another ward in my city has an openly gay man in its bishopric, which I think is sort of cool.) But I'm still concerned, and I would be grateful for comments from others who may have gone through this or seen it in their own wards. Thank you...

[Lakumi]

I will, when I soldier out on my own, ignore family home evening, having no family lol

I am the only 20something in my ward (and I am downright weird), though that's not why I stopped going (I didn't get baptized, however)

there was a lot of topics that were brought up I didn't understand, and thankfully no one asked me to speak though had they did, I am pretty good at just, making things up, I am a writer after all...

[pam]

As an older single man (I guess we call them "midsingles" now),

Mid singles is considered up to age 45. I guess those of us over that are just called "old" singles.

And yes I realize I just left myself open to the comments. :)

[lagarthaaz]

Didn't anyone introduce you to the LDS Single Adults group in your area after you got baptized? You may or may not meet a special someone that way, but you will certainly have the opportunity to make new friends and get involved in social activities with people from all walks of life. Our SA group here is very active (although not many of them seem to pair up) but they really enjoy each other's company and have formed some very strong friendships. I envy the fun they have sometimes! They go out dancing, dining, to the movies, mountain climbing, travelling to various destinations, take cruises, play sports and attend church activities together. They also hold Family Home Evening in their homes on a rotational basis. Not sure how it is in your area, but here we certainly have an abundance of spiritual, intelligent women who are beautiful both inside and out but there not enough men in their age bracket. I don't think you will find that you will be looked upon as 'weird' for being a single man if you get involved with the Single Adults in your area. If you go into it looking to increase your social circle rather than soley to find a marriage partner, I think you will open up a whole world of possibilities :)

I live in a very mixed ward, and we have quite a few single people in their 40's to 60's, as well as many single parent families. There are also a few part-member families (like mine) and I do sometimes get people looking at me and thinking 'where's her old man?' :) You just have to treat possibly judgemental looks or comments like water off a duck's back. It's probably more about curiousity than judgement. Our Relief Society Pres is married to a non-member and there are any number of single people serving in callings. There is a rule in Primary that men can't teach little children on their own, but we actually have a class of five year olds who are taught by two men from different families, so it all works out.

[lagarthaaz]

Mid singles is considered up to age 45. I guess those of us over that are just called "old" singles.

And yes I realize I just left myself open to the comments. :)

:)

Could be worse. I had a short-lived marriage when I was younger that ended when I was 24 . Because I was divorced and had a child, I was not allowed to attend any YSA activities (talk about feeling like you have the stigma of a scarlet woman on your back!) and instead was relegated to the "Old Singles" :)

[Lakumi]

Didn't anyone introduce you to the LDS Single Adults group in your area after you got baptized? You may or may not meet a special someone that way, but you will certainly have the opportunity to make new friends and get involved in social activities with people from all walks of life. Our SA group here is very active (although not many of them seem to pair up) but they really enjoy each other's company and have formed some very strong friendships. I envy the fun they have sometimes! They go out dancing, dining, to the movies, mountain climbing, travelling to various destinations, take cruises, play sports and attend church activities together. They also hold Family Home Evening in their homes on a rotational basis. Not sure how it is in your area, but here we certainly have an abundance of spiritual, intelligent women who are beautiful both inside and out but there not enough men in their age bracket. I don't think you will find that you will be looked upon as 'weird' for being a single man if you get involved with the Single Adults in your area. If you go into it looking to increase your social circle rather than soley to find a marriage partner, I think you will open up a whole world of possibilities :)

still doesn't sound like my personal cup of tea-thankfully I wouldn't have to since, as I said no one here is close to my age that would be in that...

sometimes the world throws me a bone

[McLainDow]

Unfortunately, There is often a stigma on those who aren't married in the church. Often people think they are helping when they make comments. I would say this also depends on where you live to a degree. If you live anywhere in the green jello corridor then it will probably be worse but, with that said being able to partake of the sacrament and going to Sunday school is well worth it in my opinion. My wife and I have experienced a mild stigma because we are somewhat young and only had one child.

[Zeitgeist]

Didn't anyone introduce you to the LDS Single Adults group in your area after you got baptized?

No, that was never presented as an option. The bishop paired me off with another single man my age who had just gone through a painful divorce. He was a lovely person, but he had a strong negative gravity field around anything connected to marriage, women, or singles. One home teacher asked me about going to a YSA ward, but when he learned I was in my 30s he just changed the conversation. Until this very day, I assumed all LDS singles fell into three categories: YSA, midsingles, and "well, wait and see what happens in the next life."

Didn't even know that there were Single Adult groups for various ages. Well, more data points as I decide next steps.

Thanks very much for your comments and for the comments from others. I'm very grateful.

[Lakumi]

is this pairing off still something they do? I was never warned about that...

[Roseslipper]

Mid singles is considered up to age 45. I guess those of us over that are just called "old" singles.

And yes I realize I just left myself open to the comments. :)

wheres the laugh button!!! :

[Roseslipper]

I think its great that you want to go back to church I say do it!!! I am a older single person as well. So I understand about the classes etc. But its not anyone alse's business if some should say something negative its not your problem it is their problem. Dont let it hurt you. The most important thing is your relationship with the Lord. Get involved and serve we need you, we need your help to help build up His kingdom. Let us know how it goes....

[Zeitgeist]

is this pairing off still something they do? I was never warned about that...

He wasn't sealed to me. :)

This was around the time when President Hinckley began a push toward giving new converts three things: a friend, a job, and nourishment. I say "paired off," but I mean that the bishop informally assigned this person to be my go-to buddy as I learned my way around the ward. Haven't talked to him in 16 years, but I still pray for him.

Sadly, I was never given the other two things, which may have been a factor in my drifting away from the Church. Part of me suspects that if the ward members had played their cards right, I might have stayed and bloomed into an active and happy LDS member. They weren't malicious or incompetent at all, of course. They just didn't know what to do with me. And that's the fear I have now if I return.

[Zeitgeist]

... we need your help to help build up His kingdom. Let us know how it goes....

Thank you for your kind comments. I will report back. It may be a month or so because I'll be out of town on travel for much of October. But I promise to check back in with an update.

[Lakumi]

He wasn't sealed to me. :)

This was around the time when President Hinckley began a push toward giving new converts three things: a friend, a job, and nourishment. I say "paired off," but I mean that the bishop informally assigned this person to be my go-to buddy as I learned my way around the ward. Haven't talked to him in 16 years, but I still pray for him.

Sadly, I was never given the other two things, which may have been a factor in my drifting away from the Church. Part of me suspects that if the ward members had played their cards right, I might have stayed and bloomed into an active and happy LDS member. They weren't malicious or incompetent at all, of course. They just didn't know what to do with me. And that's the fear I have now if I return.

I know what you meant, and yeah I can tell they are unsure what to do with me, one I don't think they see converts here too often, and of course my young age.

I often fear the heavy social thing, which I told the missionaries but they didn't understand (I don't blame them for that, its not a thing people see too often). So having a long bout of depression, unrelated to church, haven't gone in weeks.

But it wouldn't bother me if I just slunk around like a phantom and was left alone.

If I did get snide remarks, and people telling me I'll get married one day, when I say I don't want to...maybe I'd drift away, I donno...hard to say to things that have not happened.

[Zeitgeist]

But it wouldn't bother me if I just slunk around like a phantom and was left alone.

I feel that way too sometimes. But I once met a very old man (in his 90s) who was the happiest and most joyous person I've ever met. He let me in on a secret: Nobody can make it through life alone. Having relationships with others is essential to our well-being. If I were given the choice of being a lonely billionaire or a poor person with lots of friends who loved me, I'd pick the friends every time. :)

[Lakumi]

I've always been alone and its the only way I understand life these days.

Not everyone on this planet craves and needs others, the select few enjoy their solitude.

Most cannot comprehend that, and I don't expect them to, but it annoys me when I am told I am wrong in how I find my happiness.

Its fine for someone, anyone to say that people make them happy, but to say it will make me happy, even after I know it won't... is insulting.

[Vort]

Its fine for someone, anyone to say that people make them happy, but to say it will make me happy, even after I know it won't... is insulting.

You take insult far too easily.

[Lakumi]

You take insult far too easily.

I know, I know...

[Zeitgeist]

I would never insult or annoy anyone intentionally and apologize for doing so unintentionally in my previous post. I wish you well on your journey.

[lagarthaaz]

still doesn't sound like my personal cup of tea-thankfully I wouldn't have to since, as I said no one here is close to my age that would be in that...

sometimes the world throws me a bone

What is your personal cup of tea then?

What generally happens here when there aren't many singles in a ward (not sure about your area, but I imagine it might be the same), is that people from several wards in a stake will get together for activities.

Ask around at church - I bet someone can point you in the right direction to a YSA or SA Rep who can let you know what's going on in your area.

You might be surprised at the diversity of people you'll meet in the church who are single in all adult age groups - never marrieds, divorced, commitment phobic, single parents, gay (but celibate), social butterflies, introverts and loners and extroverts. We are all just human beings at the end of the day (single or married), doing our best to live the gospel.

Edited October 9, 2013 by lagarthaaz

[lagarthaaz]

No, that was never presented as an option. The bishop paired me off with another single man my age who had just gone through a painful divorce. He was a lovely person, but he had a strong negative gravity field around anything connected to marriage, women, or singles. One home teacher asked me about going to a YSA ward, but when he learned I was in my 30s he just changed the conversation. Until this very day, I assumed all LDS singles fell into three categories: YSA, midsingles, and "well, wait and see what happens in the next life."

Didn't even know that there were Single Adult groups for various ages. Well, more data points as I decide next steps.

Thanks very much for your comments and for the comments from others. I'm very grateful.

You're welcome. I'm not sure why you weren't told there is life after 30 in the LDS singles world If no-one can help put you in touch with the SA group in your area (try your bishop too, he should have access to that information), then you can try a facebook search. Type in the search box the name of your area and "LDS singles". I just took a quick look (my friend is a SA Rep who organises activities and such) and there are dozens of groups. There are groups that are age specific too - eg. "45-60" or whatever.

[lagarthaaz]

is this pairing off still something they do? I was never warned about that...

It's not 'pairing off' in the formal sense, someone probably just introduced two guys who could keep each other company at church and who could possibly become friends.

[lagarthaaz]

He wasn't sealed to me. :)

They weren't malicious or incompetent at all, of course. They just didn't know what to do with me. And that's the fear I have now if I return.

That's why you have to be pro-active in introducing yourself to the bishop, letting him know your needs, and looking around for activities you can be involved in so you can hopefully form some good friendships.

[Lakumi]

What is your personal cup of tea then?

What generally happens here when there aren't many singles in a ward (not sure about your area, but I imagine it might be the same), is that people from several wards in a stake will get together for activities.

Ask around at church - I bet someone can point you in the right direction to a YSA or SA Rep who can let you know what's going on in your area.

You might be surprised at the diversity of people you'll meet in the church who are single in all adult age groups - never marrieds, divorced, commitment phobic, single parents, gay (but celibate), social butterflies, introverts and loners and extroverts. We are all just human beings at the end of the day (single or married), doing our best to live the gospel.

I'd really rather not do that.

[ZionsRodeVos]

I've been divorced for a little over 4 years now and have not felt left out in the wards I've been in. I live in Virginia and don't know enough to know if that makes a difference. I keep getting callings that have me working with the youth.

I wish there were a midsingles ward in my stake, but I have found the closest one and started going to their activities. I turned 46 a few weeks ago and was worried there would be no singles ward for me, but on the website for the midsingles ward near me it says the serve people of ages 31 to 55.

We recently had a lesson in elders quorum focused on marriage. They asked many how long they had been married. Had they asked me I would have said I was divorced. But they didn't and I am fine with that. I didn't say much during that lesson. But for lessons of other subjects I try to participate.