Marry or run?

[Pistachio]

I'm going to cut to the chase here. I'm dating a guy and I want to marry him. However, he seems to have a few more priorities that come before our plans to be married. I'm not a very patient person and this will be a second marriage for both of us. Do I wait until he has sorted all these things out or do I accept that I'm not important enough to him and run? He says he wants to visit his family who live abroad because he has not seen them in 14 years. He says he needs to go for 6 weeks or more. He wants to put money together to do this and he wants to sort out his residency in Ireland.

As far as I'm concerned, we need to do what we can to be married as soon as possible. We have been dating for a while now. I don't know how long it will take him to sort things out and how long I might have to wait but I'm not happy. I don't feel like I matter at all. I'm scared and I want to walk away. I love him and I don't think I can walk away from him.

Someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

Thanks in advance.

[prisonchaplain]

Does he want to marry you? Is this love? If so, slow and steady wins the race. Sounds like he wants to do things right, rather than just fast. That's probably at least partially out of respect and care for you.

Now, if you think he's stalling because he's uncertain, or unwilling to take on the responsiblity of marriage again, then I might give you a different answer . . .

[Guest]

We always get in a bind when we think of what we want more than what is best for the other person. I think you need to figure out how this other thing that he plans enriches his life and see if you can help him achieve those if it is that important to his well-being.

Because that's what loving somebody is about.

Then let the chips fall where they lay.

Marriage is ideal when your desire to bring the other person to achieve fullness of joy coincides with his desire to bring you to achieve fullness of joy. If that desire is not present in him, then you can continue to love him but keep yourself open for the possibly of finding somebody that you can love who loves you back to make marriage plans with.

Did that make sense?

Edited October 15, 2013 by anatess

[classylady]

I read an article about second marriages, and the counselor called second marriage a "special needs" relationship/marriage. There are a lot of insecurities, expectations, "baggage", etc. that is brought into a second marriage. Have both of you resolved all issues relating to your first marriage? Have both of you done the proper introspection on why the first marriage dissolved and what your contribution to the marital problems involved? Do the two of you have any children that you're bringing into the marriage? If there are any children involved, remarriage divorce rates sky rocket. There needs to be a lot of discussion going on between the two of you, on what you expect, and how you will handle all areas of your marriage. Hopefully, the two of you are communicating well. There's no way of knowing if he's just fearful, or just being practical unless you really talk this out. A good relationship needs good communication.

If you want your eyes opened, google "remarriage problems", and start reading the different links. There's some very good advice.

I'm in a remarriage. It's hard. And that's an understatement.

[Smudge]

If myself wondering if there is a way to compromise - for example could you get married and then both go visit some of his family and then a few years later go visit the rest etc?

I would also suggest turning to the Lord for guidance - maybe attend the temple

[Dravin]

I'm going to cut to the chase here. I'm dating a guy and I want to marry him.

Does he want to marry you? As PC pointed out, it's one thing if he's trying to get some ducks in a row, it's another if he's stalling or avoiding.

As far as I'm concerned, we need to do what we can to be married as soon as possible.

Why is that? Admittedly one doesn't want to wait in a holding pattern indefinitely, one wants to figure out if something isn't going to work and move one. In my mind however, that's different than getting married as soon as possible. Particularly since we, the peanut gallery, have no clue what time scales are involved here. It's one thing if you've been dating 4 months, it's another if it's 4 years.

Someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

Thanks in advance.

The biggest question in my mind is: When you brought your concerns to him what did he say and do? If he dismissed it out of hand that's a concern regardless of how reasonable his plan of action is. If you are unwilling to discuss your concerns with him that's a concern of a different color as well.

[Pistachio]

Hi all and thanks for all your input. They have all been very useful. I want to touch on some points which might help. We have been dating for about a year but have known each other for about 26 years. We have had feelings for each other for a very long time and have already come through a few trials together. He does want to marry me as I him and I have realised the this will take work. I have been able to see areas in my personality that need improvement and have been working on them. Things I think are important to make this relationship work. I'm becoming a better person I hope, slowly but surely.

I have asked him to let us go and get married abroad where both our families live and that would cover both our desires. He is happy with that but he wants to stay there for up to 2 months or even more if he can, because he wants to spend more time with his family and he wants to try and make arrangements for a business venture over there.

I feel that when we marry, we should return home together and set up our home and he can get a job and we establish our family. We both have children but only mine will be with us for a while, and then hopefully his ex will let us have their kids now and again.

Then I thought, after a while he can go back to see family and start a business maybe after 6 months or so?

He currently has nothing. He has no funds with which to start the business venture right now. I thought it would make more sense to come home and work and save up some money and then go back and do what he needs to do. He didnt like the idea of coming back home with me at first. He wanted to stay behind for the reasons I stated above. Then he later accepted he would return with me but he felt 6 months was too long to wait before going back.

I'm starting to doubt him and this isn't good. I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't be marrying him at all. Not because he isn't accepting my idea but because he seems to be making these decisions based on his own desires only and not based on common sense and wisdom.

At the moment, he has residency permit in Ireland and I live in England. Getting married would enable us to be together as he has to apply for a visa to come here and pay for accommodation etc otherwise. It's all so complicated and I'm losing hope just typing this all out.

[applepansy]

Not because he isn't accepting my idea but because he seems to be making these decisions based on his own desires only and not based on common sense and wisdom.

What makes you sure that his desires aren't based on common sense and wisdom? Is it possible his family has resources to help him?

If you're not willing to move with him then don't marry him.

[Pistachio]

Hi Applepansy, his family do not have the means to to help him, they are struggling financially and ideally, if he was working he would be sending money to them to help out. He wants to 'put together' some money to buy a ticket but I don't think he can earn enough to support himself whilst he is there. He intends on getting help from the government, a benefit paid weekly to new entrepreneurs, which differs from a Job seekers benefit because he won't be required to attend the benefit office every week. He'll only receive the normal amount of weekly payment a jobseeker gets. It's not much.

So he wants to somehow live on and save up for his ticket. His plan is to sleep on his friend's couch, as he has given up his own place. Then save up the benefit money for a few weeks till he can buy a ticket. This might mean becoming a burden on the family he will be staying with? Then I guess he will somehow get someone to send him the payments as they arrive and he will support himself on that while he's with family. I'm trying to understand this all myself. I'm trying to see the reason in it all. so, basically..

1. He doesn't have the funds with which to set up a business right now, and neither does his family so I don't see the wisdom in going to do that now.

2. Our plans are that we will settle in the UK together and move back home sometime in the future when the kids are older, so I don't see the wisdom is starting the business abroad right now, as he won't be there anyway.

3. For him to fulfil his desires, I see him being away from us for at least 6 months, this will include the time it takes to save up for a ticket, and the time he spends over there.

4. While he was in the UK the last couple of months he helped me move out of my house and into a bigger house that we planned would be our home together. We were planning on being married within a couple of months, he would move in and he would then be able to work and contribute to the expenses of our bigger home. Then other issues came up and now I am left to pay the rent and outgoings on the house on my own. I don't see the wisdom in that.

I still think, as I put it to him, that we should get married and start our lives together, get him settled in a job, enjoy some time together for once, and put these things first before going abroad to see family. 6 months to a year would be all we would need. This would enable us to save up enough money, not just for travel expenses, but to help ease the financial strains of the family members back home too.

Typing all this out is actually helping me, and reading all the comments. I'm really considering moving on with my life. Some prayer and fasting and inspired advice should help me make the right decision.

[Guest]

I think it would be wise to sit and talk the whole thing through with him. Find out why exactly he wants to start a business there now, when you're just going to leave. He might have reasons you don't know about, or maybe he hasn't thought it all the way through. Make sure you know exactly what you're getting out of, before you get out.

[Jane_Doe]

Part of being married is having similar finical goals/plans. Agreeing with the post above, I would chat with him and see you two can get on a similar page.

[applepansy]

Hi Applepansy, his family do not have the means to to help him, they are struggling financially and ideally, if he was working he would be sending money to them to help out. He wants to 'put together' some money to buy a ticket but I don't think he can earn enough to support himself whilst he is there. He intends on getting help from the government, a benefit paid weekly to new entrepreneurs, which differs from a Job seekers benefit because he won't be required to attend the benefit office every week. He'll only receive the normal amount of weekly payment a jobseeker gets. It's not much.

So he wants to somehow live on and save up for his ticket. His plan is to sleep on his friend's couch, as he has given up his own place. Then save up the benefit money for a few weeks till he can buy a ticket. This might mean becoming a burden on the family he will be staying with? Then I guess he will somehow get someone to send him the payments as they arrive and he will support himself on that while he's with family. I'm trying to understand this all myself. I'm trying to see the reason in it all. so, basically..

1. He doesn't have the funds with which to set up a business right now, and neither does his family so I don't see the wisdom in going to do that now.

2. Our plans are that we will settle in the UK together and move back home sometime in the future when the kids are older, so I don't see the wisdom is starting the business abroad right now, as he won't be there anyway.

3. For him to fulfil his desires, I see him being away from us for at least 6 months, this will include the time it takes to save up for a ticket, and the time he spends over there.

4. While he was in the UK the last couple of months he helped me move out of my house and into a bigger house that we planned would be our home together. We were planning on being married within a couple of months, he would move in and he would then be able to work and contribute to the expenses of our bigger home. Then other issues came up and now I am left to pay the rent and outgoings on the house on my own. I don't see the wisdom in that.

I still think, as I put it to him, that we should get married and start our lives together, get him settled in a job, enjoy some time together for once, and put these things first before going abroad to see family. 6 months to a year would be all we would need. This would enable us to save up enough money, not just for travel expenses, but to help ease the financial strains of the family members back home too.

Typing all this out is actually helping me, and reading all the comments. I'm really considering moving on with my life. Some prayer and fasting and inspired advice should help me make the right decision.

From what you've said here it doesn't sound like he wants to marry. I might be wrong. He might just be looking at the world differently than you.

However...see bolded... If you're having doubts and you're seeing points of contention now, don't marry him. At least not until the points of contention are resolved. Then remember these things always seem to resurface later. Basically, what you see is what you get. People don't change. If you're having doubts now they won't magically go away when you've married him.

[Pistachio]

I agree with all you have said, Jane doe and applepansy. I need to have a good talk with him and really find out what is his reasoning and if he still wants to do his own thing, then my doubts will get worse and it will be best to just cool off the whole marriage thing all together. It won't be easy. My kids have become quite attached to him too. We will all be affected.

Thanks for all the comments, they've really helped.

[Guest]

I agree with all you have said, Jane doe and applepansy. I need to have a good talk with him and really find out what is his reasoning and if he still wants to do his own thing, then my doubts will get worse and it will be best to just cool off the whole marriage thing all together. It won't be easy. My kids have become quite attached to him too. We will all be affected.

Thanks for all the comments, they've really helped.

Just because you decided not to marry the guy doesn't mean you end the friendship.