MIL Issues / Gluten Questions

[tumbledquartz]

This could be a really, really, really long post. I'll try not to let that happen. Bullet points might help.

* I feel like my MIL is a pushy know-it-all who is constantly trying to tell me what I should be doing and judging me. (She claims she is just trying to help and offering solutions to problems and that she doesn't tell me what I have to do, just that I will suffer the consequences if I don't. (She also doesn't see the irony in this.)) Especially now that my husband and I are having serious issues/separation, and I'm having problems with my kids to different degrees, she wants desperately to help us fix everything. By her own definition, she is a problem solver, and by trade, she is a counselor.

* In the past year or so, she has decided that all of our problems stem from one source: gluten. According to her research, which is legion, all of the following and more are pretty much a direct result of eating gluten: alcoholism, bed wetting, internet addiction, tiredness, bipolar, ADHD, Autism/Asperger Syndrome, Schizophrenia, susceptibility to peer pressure, poor performance in school, and depression.

* She has tried to convince me several times to stop eating gluten and get my kids to stop eating it.

* I had actually already been looking into it because I know several people with celiac disease and other gluten issues. I was tested for sensitivity and the tests came back negative. We did a short gluten-free trial and didn't notice any differences.

* I prayed about it several months ago and felt impressed that eliminating gluten isn't what I should be focusing on right now; that I should just be trying to get more fruits and vegetables in our diets and making more homemade meals instead of relying on the freezer aisle. Even this has been difficult because my life is so stressful right now, as I have four kids I'm raising by myself, I don't know what's happening with my marriage, and I'm in school full-time to top off the crazy scale. But I've felt better when I've tried to eat healthier and plan healthy meals for the family.

* I told my MIL all of this, and she replied that that isn't good enough, that I'm neglecting serious nutritional problems in my children, and that she can't believe I won't just do a simple elimination test to see if it helps our symptoms (though she admits that it can take up to 3 months to see the full benefits and that there are many hidden sources of gluten that will need to be rooted out.)

* We got into a huge argument about it this past week because I feel like she is condescending and pushy and she feels like she is just a concerned grandmother who wants desperately for her grand kids to benefit from her research. I basically told her that I wasn't going to listen to her opinions on the topic anymore because I feel like she is so focused on being right instead of seeing both sides of an issue and she isn't being supportive of me and my efforts.

* Yesterday, I felt bad that I had been confrontational with her and decided to try praying for her instead. As I was praying, I got a very strong and obvious impression that now it's time for me to focus on eliminating gluten.

* I feel so conflicted by this guidance. It's NOT what I wanted to hear right now. Eliminating gluten is going to be extremely difficult, it's going to mean I have to pack lunches for my kids every day--and they can't be PB&J sandwiches, to boot--and monitor everything they eat, and nearly all of my fallback meals and foods will have to be eliminated or modified, I'm going to have to deal with picky eaters all the way around, including myself and if we want to eat bread, I'm going to have to make homemade gluten-free bread because the very best kind we could find in the store when we tried going gluten-free before is disgusting.

* The worst part is that after having this huge blowup with my MIL about not wanting her to tell me to eliminate gluten, I'm going to have to turn around and do it. My first thought was that God must really have a sense of humor for this to be His timing. I mean, really, couldn't He have told me this last week? My next thought is that He must have wanted me to have to eat a big ol' piece of Humble Pie the next time I talk to her and have to admit that she was right. I just hope Humble Pie is gluten-free.

* I honestly feel so overwhelmed and stressed out by this whole thing that I couldn't fall asleep until after 5 o'clock this morning. Any advice on tricks for gluten-free diets, packing lunches, or dealing with MILs would be welcome.

* I also know that in order to get accurate readings on tests for celiac disease, you have to be eating gluten. Does anyone know about testing on kids? I feel like I should get them tested before we start eating differently, one of them in particular, as he has had some gastrointestinal issues over the years.

[Wingnut]

"Mom, I appreciate your concern for your grandkids' health and well-being, and I understand that you're well-intentioned. However, these are my children, it is my responsibility to feed and care for them, and I have the stewardship to do so. Please allow me the freedom to raise my family, as you've already done with yours."

(three days later...)

"Thank you again. Mind your own business."

[skippy740]

I'm assuming that you are living with her in her house? If that's the case, not only is she feeling like a concerned grandmother, but she is the matriarch of the household.

Instinctively, she may be thinking that "you were/are in a messed up situation (regardless of fault) and now you need my guidance to help you get your life back on the right path again."

You might need to have a conversation addressing this kind of thought.

Then you need to be able to 'shut her up' with politeness. I recommend the following phrase: "You're exactly right."

[NeuroTypical]

If you're living under her roof, you have few options and basically need to just tough it out. If, however, you and hubby are independent adults living on your own dime, then to expand on wingnut's advice:

You: "Again, I appreciate your concern, but I've made up my mind here. Please, I'd rather not discuss it further. Can we talk about [other subject] instead?

MIL: [continues arguing about gluten]

You: "Well, I'll see you tomorrow at the thing then. [You then hang up the phone, or get up and leave - even if you have to drag your whole family with you and end dinner early, or whatever. Make as big of a scene as MIL demands. Just politely letting her know that you won't be discussing the matter further.]

As wingnut mentioned, it'll happen again 3 days later. The importance is to repeat the message as often as she pushes, whenever she pushes. There's no longer any such thing as an argument with MIL about gluten, because you won't be present in one any more. It's up to her if she wishes to use the issue to destroy the relationship, or end communication, or whatever.

The hard part is to not get upset while you're doing it.

(And again, this is only possible if you/hubby are not dependent on her financially. With the responsibility comes the power. Do you have any?)

Edited January 2, 2014 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[tumbledquartz]

No, she doesn't live with us; in fact, she lives out of state. She just brings it up whenever we talk, it was her main talking point when she visited a month ago, and she sends articles about how wheat is killing us, etc. via email periodically.

[NeuroTypical]

Oh - well, if she's visiting you and you are playing host, things can be a bit more complicated. It's not like you can pack up and leave. But you can still end a conversation and move to a different room.

And you can always just ignore emails.

[Guest]

Another great line: "I'll definitely think about that." Then change the subject. Repeat as needed.

[Guest]

Your mother-in-law has a good point. But, it might be that she's terrible with delivery.

It's a very delicate balance to listen to advice from your mother (or mother-in-law), weigh it, then decide what is best for you and your children. Sometimes, the advice is great and sometimes the advice does not apply to your situation. So, yes, advice is always welcome but you don't have to follow it, or you can modify it to fit your situation.

Pushy mothers and mother-in-laws are common and you really have no control over that. What you can do and what you can control is how you react to them. In your case, I would probably be like a duck - water rains on my back and it just slides right down my feathers to drop to the floor while I stay dry... Our former bishop gave this talk one time where he said his son was sitting on the couch while he gave him advice and such. Then he asked a question and the son was still looking at him but he didn't answer. So, he raised his voice and asked him - are you listening to me? And his son said, yes, I'm listening to you. Your mouth is moving and it's really fascinating but yeah, I hear only blah-blah-blah coming out of it. LOL! That's when the bishop realized he needed to change his approach.

That said - I agree with your mother-in-law on the gluten thing. But, she may be too fanatic about it. Nutrition has to be addressed HOLISTICALLY. Gluten-free, when done without proper research may do more harm than good! A lot of gluten-free products in the market are vitamin-deficient as well!

My advice is - instead of going gluten-free, start with whole food first. It's easy. Basically, just change your meals so most things come unprocessed. It becomes much easier to prepare meals - I do the least bit of cooking necessary! So, instead of opening a mac-and-cheese box, for example, I just hand my kid a banana. They're just as full with the banana as the mac-and-cheese and I don't have to cook anything!

I don't do bread (processed) which was a ginormous change for us because my kid is allergic to wheat. Instead of looking for wheat-free bread, we decided to just not eat grains period except for rice and quinoa because it is easy to make - just scoop some into a rice cooker, add water, push a button, and come back later. Now, the kids eat burgers and hotdogs with rice or quinoa instead of in a bun. They love it! But most of our food these days is just open a package of greens, put grilled chicken or turkey or fish on top (grilling is very easy and very quick - just put meat on the grill pan on the stove and 20 minutes later, voila. Meat is done. My kids don't like seasoning on their meat so it makes it even easier), drizzle home-made dressing on top of it all, add a few berries if the kids want some jazz on it and that's it.

The kids eat like crazy in my house - seriously - they are constantly opening that fridge looking for something to eat. So, I have fresh fruit in a drawer or pre-made stuff like chicken or tuna salad and they peck on that all day long. I have to put grapes and strawberries and such in sandwich bags so they won't take the entire bag and eat it in one sitting! I also have different kinds of trail mix in the pantry and they peck on that too. And that's basically what my kids eat. I got my husband a Ninja blender for Christmas and now that's my kids' go-to snack - that blender is whirring all day long. I love the single serve cups in the Ninja blender! My kids just put whatever stuff they want in the cup - whatever fruit or veggie is in the fridge, add yogurt and some ice and whirr whirr whirr on the blender for a minute and it's done and the kids like it. I even put spinach and cucumber in it, added an apple, yogurt, and ice, and the kids still think it's delish.

The biggest change is I started to grocery shop only for 2 or 3 days worth of meals. Most everything was perishable. So, I planned meals in 2 or 3 days plans. 3 breakfast, 3 lunches, 3 dinners at the most.

But, in any case, I didn't change our diet in one fell swoop! It was a gradual thing... First, I changed breakfast. Instead of cereal and pancakes, I hand them a banana and scrambled eggs. Sometimes I don't even bother scrambling the eggs - I would hard-boil a dozen of them at a time, put it in the fridge, and I tell the kids to grab one egg and a banana on the way to the car because we're running late... Then when I got consistent with breakfast, I started on lunch. That was easy too because I started with their school lunch boxes, so it was all planned things. Before I tackled dinner, I went and emptied out the fridge and pantry and put everything that is processed in food storage. Then I slowly worked on getting staples that meet our nutrition plan. When I got a good base going with that, then I worked on dinners. But, I started with only 7 recipes that I would cycle every week. I did this for a few months! Anyway, it took me over a year to completely change over. And even then, we still drink the occasional soda and eat the occasional fast food. Which is fine.

And no, we don't have celiac disease. I had to do an overhaul when my kid ended up in the hospital for his allergies and I got tired of figuring out things just for him - instead we ALL went on this change that doesn't have any of the things he is allergic to. And no, you don't really feel any different. Or at least, I didn't. But, you know something is working when the kids go to McDonald's one day and they say, "Mom, this tastes bad!". Yeah, that happened to us. Even Coke tastes bad... or cookies... basically anything loaded with sugar is like your tongue touching a habanero pepper. So, Christmas cookies on Christmas and birthday cake on birthdays don't excite my kids. They'll take a bite or two and abandon them.

Hope this helps!

Edited January 2, 2014 by anatess

[Guest]

If you remember at all tumbledquartz's backstory, you might agree that MIL ought to be harassing her son to grow up and be a decent human being before worrying about what kinds of grain her grandchildren may or may not eat.

[Guest]

If you remember at all tumbledquartz's backstory, you might agree that MIL ought to be harassing her son to grow up and be a decent human being before worrying about what kinds of grain her grandchildren may or may not eat.

My understanding of the OP is that this post is more about the promptings of the Holy Spirit to go gluten-free more than dealing with an obnoxious mother-in-law out of state.

Did I misunderstand the OP?

[Guest]

What she decides to eat and how she comes to that decision is none of her MIL's business. She doesn't need to know either way.

[mdfxdb]

Of all the things to worry about/pray over it had to be gluten? You're kidding right?

Oh, and tell your Mother in-law to mind her own business.

[Maureen]

...* Yesterday, I felt bad that I had been confrontational with her and decided to try praying for her instead. As I was praying, I got a very strong and obvious impression that now it's time for me to focus on eliminating gluten....

It is not God telling you your MIL is correct, it's called the power of suggestion. Stick to what you want to do with your family. Don't be bullied into the demands of your MIL, however well meaning she may be. As others have adviced, everytime she brings up the subject, end the conversation by leaving or changing the subject, ending the phone call or the email and add a reminder to her that there's this thing called "free agency". Don't let her guilt you into more stress. If you feel you need to change something, do it your way.

M.

[tumbledquartz]

You're both right. I was looking for advice on both things. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks for all the helpful comments so far. :)

Edited to add: this post was directed to anatess and eowyn. A bunch more replies popped up while I was typing.)

Edited January 2, 2014 by tumbledquartz

[Guest]

What she decides to eat and how she comes to that decision is none of her MIL's business. She doesn't need to know either way.

Eowyn, these are her questions. MIL is only a very small part of it. Right? I just want to make sure I'm understanding the OP correctly. I know the most of the post was about the MIL, but I thought the main question was about the diet.

* I honestly feel so overwhelmed and stressed out by this whole thing that I couldn't fall asleep until after 5 o'clock this morning. Any advice on tricks for gluten-free diets, packing lunches, or dealing with MILs would be welcome.

* I also know that in order to get accurate readings on tests for celiac disease, you have to be eating gluten. Does anyone know about testing on kids? I feel like I should get them tested before we start eating differently, one of them in particular, as he has had some gastrointestinal issues over the years.

[Guest]

Of all the things to worry about/pray over it had to be gluten? You're kidding right?

Oh, and tell your Mother in-law to mind her own business.

mdfxdb, nutrition is a VERY IMPORTANT part of life. Praying about nutrition or any specific aspect of it, especially if your kids have some gastro problems is a very worthwhile use of prayer...

And I understand that MIL should mind her own business - but I would hope that my future daughter-in-law would respect me enough to listen to my advice on my grandkids' nutrition and not just tell me to mind my own business. My grandchildren are my business. I promise I won't be as pushy and overbearing and obnoxious as tumbler's mother-in-law, though, and I would have absolute respect for my daughter-in-law's decisions.

[tumbledquartz]

It is not God telling you your MIL is correct, it's called the power of suggestion. Stick to what you want to do with your family. Don't be bullied into the demands of your MIL, however well meaning she may be. As others have adviced, everytime she brings up the subject, end the conversation by leaving or changing the subject, ending the phone call or the email and add a reminder to her that there's this thing called "free agency". Don't let her guilt you into more stress. If you feel you need to change something, do it your way.

M.

Thanks for your reply. While it is possible that it was all the power of suggestion, I still feel that it was a prompting. I am trying very hard to listen to the spirit right now and I could explain to you all the reasons why I am 99% sure this was that, but those details are beside the point and somewhat personal, so I chose to just say it was a prompting. One of the things I have been trying very hard to do is follow the spirit even when it isn't what I would choose to do for myself, and one of my biggest frustrations in my recent argument with my MIL is that I was just trying to follow the spirit's direction to eat healthier. I feel like I would be a hypocrite if I didn't do the same now that the prompting isn't what I want to hear.

[Guest]

About your question on testing... You don't need to get your kids tested for celiac disease if they're not showing symptoms of it.

But, you don't need your kids to get tested before going on "clean nutrition". And you don't have to go gluten-free to have "clean nutrition".

What I'm trying to say: I'm not sure why the Spirit prompted you to go gluten-free. You only need to go completely gluten-free if you or your kids are showing signs of gluten sensitivity. But, that said, minimizing gluten or even going gluten-free is a good thing, regardless. Just make sure that you research this first instead of just buying processed foods that advertise gluten-free. Most, if not all, of these products, are deficient and may do more harm than good. Holistic nutrition is key and everything in moderation.

[Leah]

mdfxdb, nutrition is a VERY IMPORTANT part of life. Praying about nutrition or any specific aspect of it, especially if your kids have some gastro problems is a very worthwhile use of prayer...

And I understand that MIL should mind her own business - but I would hope that my future daughter-in-law would respect me enough to listen to my advice on my grandkids' nutrition and not just tell me to mind my own business. My grandchildren are my business. I promise I won't be as pushy and overbearing and obnoxious as tumbler's mother-in-law, though, and I would have absolute respect for my daughter-in-law's decisions.

Mothers-in-law shouldn't give advice unless asked.

[Guest]

Mothers-in-law shouldn't give advice unless asked.

Disagree. If that was the case, sons and daughers would have to fumble around making ginormous mistakes because they did not know to ask. Mothers and Mother-in-laws have been there and done that and can see what the problem is before the kids even know it's a problem. Unless, of course, they're idiots. I am blessed with a very good mother and mother-in-law who, as shown in my elopement, sometimes give good advice to the wrong daughter... but, they're still good advice even if it is not good for my particular case and I am very happy they care enough to give it to me.

Edited January 2, 2014 by anatess

[Wingnut]

If you remember at all tumbledquartz's backstory, you might agree that MIL ought to be harassing her son to grow up and be a decent human being before worrying about what kinds of grain her grandchildren may or may not eat.

I don't remember the back story, but it sounds like there's a strong possibility that husband never grew up because MIL didn't let him. Does she still change his diapers when she's in town?

My understanding of the OP is that this post is more about the promptings of the Holy Spirit to go gluten-free more than dealing with an obnoxious mother-in-law out of state.

Did I misunderstand the OP?

It's both. It's being nervous and confused about making such a change, but it's also what to do about a meddling MIL.

Of all the things to worry about/pray over it had to be gluten? You're kidding right?

I had the same thought. Some people make literally everything a matter of prayer, and I'm not about to criticize that publicly. But it's certainly not for me.

[Guest]

Disagree. If that was the case, sons and daughers would have to fumble around making ginormous mistakes because they did not know to ask. Mothers and Mother-in-laws have been there and done that and can see what the problem is before the kids even know it's a problem. Unless, of course, they're idiots. I am blessed with a very good mother and mother-in-law who, as shown in my elopement, sometimes give good advice to the wrong daughter... but, they're still good advice even if it is not good for my particular case and I am very happy they care enough to give it to me.

My MIL is bad, but she's not that bad. Thank goodness she (mostly) recognizes that I'm an adult with the ability to not only figure things out with my husband, but the maturity to ask for help when I need it. My mother follows her own strict guidelines to stay out of her grown kids' lives unless they come to her for advice. And guess what? I'm more prone to ask her advice because she's always trusted me to find my way, than I would be if she was breathing down my neck about things like my diet.

[tumbledquartz]

I had the same thought. Some people make literally everything a matter of prayer, and I'm not about to criticize that publicly. But it's certainly not for me.

Just to clarify, I actually don't pray about every little thing. I think God expects us to think and act for ourselves, and He isn't going to command us in all things. But I have been praying about what diet / way of eating was right for me and my kids because we have had some health issues and I feel like I have been jerked around from low-fat to low-carb to paleo to body-for-life and everything in between, and I felt a lot like Joseph Smith praying about which church to join - I just wanted to know which was the right eating plan for me and to block out all the voices coming at me from all sides, because believe me, when you start studying nutrition, you find that there are a lot of people who have as much faith in their way of eating as a religious revivalist.

[Maureen]

Thanks for your reply. While it is possible that it was all the power of suggestion, I still feel that it was a prompting. I am trying very hard to listen to the spirit right now and I could explain to you all the reasons why I am 99% sure this was that, but those details are beside the point and somewhat personal, so I chose to just say it was a prompting. One of the things I have been trying very hard to do is follow the spirit even when it isn't what I would choose to do for myself, and one of my biggest frustrations in my recent argument with my MIL is that I was just trying to follow the spirit's direction to eat healthier. I feel like I would be a hypocrite if I didn't do the same now that the prompting isn't what I want to hear.

I think I understand but I'm one of those people that likes to rely on good common sense. God gave us a brain for a reason. However you come to your decision I hope things work out for the better. I'm sure you've already investigated this gluten-free world but I'm adding this link anyway.

The Truth About Gluten

M.

[classylady]

Your issues may simply be this: Terri Orbuch, psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan, did a 26-year longitudinal study and found that "Women value a close relationship with their in-laws but may ultimately view them as meddling, while men are more interested in providing for their families, and take their in-laws' actions less personally." "Because relationships are so important to women, their identity as a wife and mother is central to their being. They interpret what their in-laws say and do as interference into their identity as a spouse and parent." A couple's risk of divorce rises 20 percent when the wife has a close relationship with the in-laws, but it decreases by 20 percent when the husband has a close relationship with his in-laws.

Try not to let your mother-in-law stress you. Do what you think is best for your family.

As a side-note, I have read that most people are not gluten intolerant, and it is just one of the "in" diet fads that are going around. Still, it doesn't hurt to know for sure.

Edited January 3, 2014 by classylady