Advice needed

[kh81214]

I am looking for some words of encouragement and advice. I will start this off by saying I am not a member of the church but my boyfriend is a member of the LDS church.

Early last year I was re-introduced to an individual at work. I say reintroduced because I had not seen him in a few years and had very rarely talked with him. Through working together we became very close and our connection grew stronger and stronger every day. I promised myself I wouldn't get involved after seeing a close friend of mine being torn down by her ex-fiances family (members of the church). Shortly after we began dating, something I never thought woould never happen. Long story short, our attraction toward one another was very strong. Our relationship then went into the fast lane. He met my family only a few weks after we officially started dating, and was welcomed with open arms. We then planned a trip to visit his family a couple months later for me to meet his parents/ siblings. His parents were not exactly thrilled with his choice of dating a non-mormon but never said too much on the subject. When we went to visit them his father was very welcoming and did his best to make me feel comfortable and at home. His mother on the other had did not seem so welcoming. In the first 4 days of our trip she barely said a full sentence to me. I understand that I may not be her first choice for her first born son but I felt that it was his decision as he is an adult. By the 4th day I felt so unwelcomed by her that I told my boyfriend I wanted him to talk to her because I was planning on changing my flight and going home. I decided not to leave because I figured that may cause damage to a relationship that may be un-repairable if we decided to later get married. The last 2 days weren't quite as bad but overall I didn't feel very accepted which was a shock for me based on the little knowledge I have about the church and their belief of family.

Before anyone asks, I do not plan on converting. I was raised slightly in the episcopal Church but was raised more on values. My parents wanted me to grow to be a good person and decide things for myself whether that be with a church or not. I told my boyfriend that I was more than willing to learn about his religion and beliefs but I did not plan to ever convert. This led to lessons with missionaries every week for a couple months until he left for Utah for 4 months.I love understanding more about his religion, but it is not something I believe in. Religion is a very overwhelming topic for me based partly on my religious background, or lack there of, and my background in biological/evolutionary sciences. He knows that this was a big step for me but for him I would be willing to do almost anything.

Does anybody have any words of advice? I love my boyfriend dearly and I can't imagine losing him after some of the things we have been through.

Thank you in advance!

[Windseeker]

This is obviously a huge decision for both of you. Marriage is difficult enough between two people of the same religion let alone when they have something as fundamental as religious differences.

His mother is aware of this and is concerned not only for her son but for her future grandchildren and even their children etc... While I think our faith works better than many, perhaps even most, in mixed marriages as far as getting along there are questions that arise that otherwise wouldn't. Like how the Children will be raised, acceptance of our laws of tithing, and our health laws (Word of Wisdom) etc.

While I understand your boyfriends Mothers reaction, I don't agree with it. I myself will be disappointed if my children marry outside of our faith, but I won't take it out on their significant other or anyone for that matter. I would accept my daughter in law and love her, once their matrimonial ship has set sail.

So take religion out of the equation and you have a very uncomfortable situation with this person whenever you get together as a family. Is that something you can live with? Perhaps she will learn to accept you.

Simply put you want to make sure your husband is able to consider your needs over his mother’s once you decide to get married.

My mom did not really like my wife at first because of her tattoos and we had some uncomfortable visits, but things have gotten better. My mom for the last 5 years has been my wife's best advocate.

I'm sure you'll get better advice. I just don't see anyone else has responded. So this is just one person’s opinion. I wish you the best.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

KH, I'm so sorry you were treated that way. Like Windseeker, I understand your BF's mom's concern, but I would not treat you that way if you came home with my son.

I support your decision not to convert. It would NOT be a good choice to convert simply to make life easier here and now. That would be a mistake that would reward you with great dividends of pain down the road, at least that is what I have seen in other similar situations. At the same time, keep your mind and heart open, after all if your boyfriend loves and accepts the church, there just might be something to it, right?

My advice is be as kind and loving as possible to this woman, she is rejecting due to things that are not about YOU as a person. When you can try to help her get to know YOU. If the relationship between you and your BF progresses, it would be a lot easier on him (and both of you if everyone got along.)

Further advice--he should stick up for you starting right now. Jesus said a man should leave his parents and cling to his wife. If he won't stand up for you now, he won't later either. It sounds like he DID though, so that is good.

Second, marriage is wonderful and difficult no matter what. Adding mixed culture or religion complicates things further...so with this in mind work on your communication skills and being very open. Be sure to discuss how you will deal with the religion issue when children come along. How will you feel if he wants to pray and read scriptures with them, take them to church every week and baptize them. If you see that as a form of brainwashing, that is something you guys need to talk about now.

Again, try and be patient with the mom....think how much you care for your BF, she loves him too, and she is just concerned. I don't condone her behavior, but we all make mistakes sometimes trying to protect what we love. You both love him, now try to love each other.

[kh81214]

Thank you for your input. I certainly understand her concern, however I don't think any one should be treated that way in this kind of situation. His beliefs in how to raise children don't exactly line up with hers but Im not sure if she knows that. We both want to raise our children to have an understanding of God without forcing a religion on them. It is complicated and there are several things to work out but we are adults who want to be together so we feel we should be given respect on that matter. Thanks again. Maybe over time she will see that we want to be together and really support and love is all any of us want.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I agree she should not treat you badly regardless of the circumstances--but we can't change other people's behavior only our own, thus my suggestion to try and win her over.

Ideally, I think we could live our religion better if we were more LOVING, but some do better in this area than others. You would find me to be a very loving mother in law, . Hang in there.

It might be helpful for your son to explain his feelings about raising children to his parents now so they can begin to accept that they are HIS ideas, and not something you "put into his head".

[applepansy]

I agree with Windseeker. Marriage is hard without the added stress of religious differences. But it is not impossible if you truly love and respect each other.

For marriage to succeed you both have to be willing to accept the differences without thought of changing the other person. As for children, you'll both need to support your children learning about both parents beliefs without interference from anyone, including grandparents. Windseeker brings up two very important things you'll need to accept, tithing and the Word of Wisdom. Tithing might become an issue when there are bills to pay and children to feed and money is tight. The WoW might become an issue at a party where there is celebration with alcohol, i.e. weddings, anniversaries, work parties, etc.

I also agree that your boyfriend will need to be willing to choose you. He's not just adding you to his family and you're not adding him to yours. The two of you would be creating a new family and that new family must always be in the Number 1 position of priorities. Especially if there are disagreements with extended family, spouses must always support each other. Even in marriages where both are members of the same religion "cleaving unto" a spouse is difficult for some when it comes to separating from parents.

Be aware that his mother's disappointment may continue. But don't take is personally. She might or could be just as cold and unwelcoming to an LDS woman who she doesn't see as "good enough." As a Mom of adult son's, I was surprised to find myself so protective. My 32yo just married this last fall. He isn't active in the church and married a wonderful girl who is not a member. I was disappointed. I was surprised at how strongly I felt. But how I handled my disappointment was a little different, at least I hope it was. When he started bringing her around she barely talked to us, which made communication difficult. But after he proposed she opened up more and more and has become a lot more friendly. We tried to be welcoming. But..... I did take my son to dinner and talk to him about the pitfalls he will face in the future. His fiance was nervous about this Mother/Son dinner/conversation. He assured her of his love for her and told her that I had always done this with my children. And I had... I started when they started school and at least once a year took each child to dinner or lunch and let them talk. So, for my son it was nothing new and he expected it, but she was nervous.

We love our daughter-in-law. But I still worry. Its what Mom's do I guess, because I can't stop worrying. They are expecting their first child in May. I have lots of questions, i.e., will the baby be blessed in the LDS church? Will they teach both religions? Will they allow the child to be baptized? If my son decides to return to his religion will she get upset? etc. All I can do is be prayerful and faithful because our children have their agency, most especially when choosing a spouse.

I wish you the best.

[kh81214]

[quote name=LiterateParakeet;801760

Again' date=' try and be patient with the mom....think how much you care for your BF, she loves him too, and she is just concerned. I don't condone her behavior, but we all make mistakes sometimes trying to protect what we love. You both love him, now try to love each other.

Thank you! This really touched me and I greatly appreciate the honesty. I hope that we can strengthen our relationship because I'm fairly cerstain we will be a part of each others lives for quite some time. This is made a little difficult due to his family living in the middle of the cou try and us living on the coast. Thank you for your kindness. I can't explain how much kind words from someone mean. Also, prayer has come back into my life which has brought !e more comfort that I ever thought imaginable.

[applepansy]

Thank you for your input. I certainly understand her concern, however I don't think any one should be treated that way in this kind of situation. His beliefs in how to raise children don't exactly line up with hers but Im not sure if she knows that. We both want to raise our children to have an understanding of God without forcing a religion on them. It is complicated and there are several things to work out but we are adults who want to be together so we feel we should be given respect on that matter. Thanks again. Maybe over time she will see that we want to be together and really support and love is all any of us want.

I agree its complicated.

Have you thought about how each of you are going to go about teaching your children about God? Think about it. Usually we teach children about God in church, regardless of which denomination. Are you going to be ok if he takes the children to LDS church and is he going to be ok if you take them to an Episcopalian church? Are both of you going to be involved in both religions? If you're not going to go to church how are you going to teach about God?

I don't need answers to these questions. But you do and so does you boyfriend.

Best Wishes

P.S. When you both together figure out the answers then discuss this with future inlaws.

Edited March 12, 2014 by applepansy

[kh81214]

Applepansy - you don't need the answers but I am going to briefly answer them so that if there is someone in a similar situation they may find some comfort in my answers. They are very tough questions and they are things we have talked about extensively. I have no problem with our children going to an LDS church and he has no problem! With them going to a church of my choosing. Our agreement has been yes as long as neither of us "force" a religion on a child. If a child wants to be baptized in the LDS church I want it to be their decision without outside influence. We want to simply educate them. Teach them what we believe and let them decide. This sounds easy in theory but we both understand that this will be difficult for us and our families. We believe that as parents we should give our children as much information as possible and let them run with it.

[Suzie]

I don't have many words of advise to give but I wouldn't automatically assume that her indifference is due to a religious difference but rather than perhaps it is due to the fact that he is her firstborn. It is hard sometimes for mothers to understand their child is now an adult and they are getting closer to that age where they know they will meet someone, get married, etc.

Having said that, if it is indeed related to a religious issue I think you are doing the right thing but letting him know in advance that you do not plan to convert. There is little you can do about how the mother may perceive you, having said that, showing her genuine kindness and friendship may soften her heart.

[kh81214]

Thank you to everyone for your Comments. That were a great help. What I am looking for now is someone that I can talk to in confidence about some things that are currently going. I don't want to necessarily discuss these things ona public forum. Any words of advice? Suggestions of people to talk to?

[applepansy]

Traveler gave you some good places to look on the other thread.

I hope you're able to find someone to help.

[Sunday21]

I agree that your future mother-in-law is not behaving appropriately. She should be more welcoming. Good luck!