A Fear Like I Have Never Felt Before!

[Hikchick]

My husband and I are into the outdoors (hunting, fishing, camping, riding horses, etc.). It is always a time for our family to be together and bond. We are pretty passionate about shooting our bows all together. It is quite enjoyable to see our two kids (a 5 year old and a 4 year old) as they excersize their brains and hands and eyes to be able to launch the arrow into the target.

My husband's main form of income has been doing construction with his brother and father. When there hasn't been work he has worked part time in a bow shop. While working there he has been able to meet a woman (who I'll call Tammy). She is about 15-20 years our senior, however, she is drop dead gorgeous! She was born and raised in Dubai (on the Persian Gulf). She met and married her husband there. From what I have been able to gather she is a Christian woman.

This is where it gets hairy... She has a daughter (I think she's 19) who was sent to a boarding school for troubled youth in a town about 2 hours from us. After completing her required education she decided to stay in our home town. She has some mental problems that has kept her mother by her side for the last few years. However, her husband is still in Dubai running their businesses. (Money is not an object for them.) So she stays here in Idaho with her daughter and her husband lives in Dubai. They only see each other about 3 or 4 times a year. As a fellow shooter she asked my husband for some advice on shooting and invited him out to her house to shoot. He asked if he could bring us along and she readily agreed to have us join them. I have never known her to act in an inappropriate manner, nor has my husband. But as we talked she mentioned things that she liked to do. Her exact words are words that my husband has said many times. In his opinion, his favorite type of woman is one who will get down and dirty playing in the outdoors and then can turn around and get all gussied up for a night on the town. FYI, I don't mind getting down and dirty, but I HATE wearing dresses. (It's all about the updraft you know! )

I have been around Tammy on more than one occasion and every time I come back with the most horrible feeling ever. An absolute ball of fear in my stomach. I only feel this way when I've been around her or if she goes into the shop while my husband is there. I don't feel that she is evil or has bad intentions, I just feel like she's alone (and probably quite lonely) and it would be extremely easy to fall into a pit of temptation. When an invitation is issued to my husband she always includes me and the kids with it. My gut feeling says run as fast as you can! And yet I don't want to make her feel snubbed, we even have talked about how to introduce her and her family to the church.

My husband and I have discussed this matter quite a bit and he has told me that he has no desire to become involved in any inappropriate manner with anyone. We also talked about King David and how as a prophet he fell to temptation. When I asked him to elaborate he basically said that no matter how many good intentions he or she had, they are both human and are fallible. I understand this, but hate it at the same time.

Should I turn tail and run or should we still spend time with her and her family (when they are available)? Should we befriend her? Or should I listen to that big ball of fear that says to get out of the way NOW!

I don't feel that this is paranoia. Actually, I'm not quite sure what to feel or think, this is the first time that I've had to deal with this issue.

Sorry this is all so long. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!

[susieSA]

Personally I would go with that feeling in your stomach...

I am not saying that something will happen, but maybe there is a reason for you feeling uncomfortable when or after you have been with her.. Possibly the Holy Ghost trying to tell you something... And why leave it all open to temptation?

[BenRaines]

Holy Ghost or personal insecurities. Sounds like everything has been above board and that he insists that you are with him whenever there is a need to visit with her.

I home teach two single sisters. Both are much younger than my wife and I. They are both beautiful women, on the inside and out. Should we not home teach them?

Now if your husband was in need of going over to her house alone or with just her daughter there then I would have a concern. I have never been to these sisters houses without my wife or my Bishop to visit or fix things.

Ben Raines

[Guest Username-Removed]

I'll get back to this one later!

[StrawberryFields]

I say listen to the spirit after you have given it much thought and prayer.

[Hikchick]

Personally I would go with that feeling in your stomach...

I am not saying that something will happen, but maybe there is a reason for you feeling uncomfortable when or after you have been with her.. Possibly the Holy Ghost trying to tell you something... And why leave it all open to temptation?

While I do have insecurities in some areas, it's not that I feel threatened by her. I am quite comfortable with my relationship with my husband. We've been together now for 10 1/2 years. He never dated another woman after we met (Even though the opportunity was there.) He simply stated that he never had the desire to pursue a relationship with another woman. (There is an exeption of one gal, though she never wanted to date him, so there was no follow through.) The only thing that I can put my thumb on about this is that it's like setting out chocolate cake in front of someone who's been dieting and knows they shouldn't eat it. The temptation is strong. No matter how many times you try to refuse the cake, the fact that a perfect desert is still sitting in front of you is quite tempting.

I know my husband has no desire to be with anyone else. I know that his heart is with me as is mine with him. I am not insecure in this area of our lives. My fear, I guess, is that of what could happen just because of temptation.

I know he won't go seeking anything, but that doesn't mean it's not out there to be seen or had. I guess knowing that there are no guarantees is what makes me super nervous. He knows that to me a kiss is just as bad as intercourse. Cheating is cheating, and I won't stick around afterwards. It would be over. The reason that I say this is because I don't think I could forgive him for that and it probably wouldn't be fair to him to have to live a life sentence no matter how many times he would ask for forgiveness. I don't believe that would be fair to us or our children.

[BenRaines]

From what you have said so far he is never alone with this woman. Does he work where women do? How do you feel about them? Does he go to the grocery store where women work and see the same teller all the time at the bank?

I see the same girl at the dry cleaner where I take my clothes. We talk every time I go there. I know here name and she knows mine. I ask about the baby she is expecting and when it is due. I am always calling the waitress by her name as she waits on us, because I ask what her name is when we sit down. I talk to people at the gym, men and women. All of these people are potential threats or could be to my wife. I mean I am a man so I must be being tempted. It has been almost 32 years ago that I made temple covenants to my wife and The Lord on how I would live my life. Since that time, and I was 21 when I married, I have not even kissed another woman in a romantic way, other than my wife.

I wonder what it is to make you suspect your or doubt your husband?

Oh by the way I have met and or worked with some very beautiful women and am not bad looking myself but never has been an issue.

Again I wonder why the concern. I don't wonder about my wife with all those men down at Young Mens at church while she is the Young Womens President. Our ward's YM President is very young and good looking. Hmmm.

Ben Raines

[rosie321]

I have to agree with Ben. Why do you feel so insecure with her .

Your husband married you and loves you without a dress. You are able to discuss the situation and what is appropriate and not. It looks like everything is done very openly. She invites you and the family. You go over there together. You've never had any problems with her and she hasn't made any signs that she wants to cause trouble.

From the outside, I have to ask for your consideration, are you jeolous? Maybe that is something you have to work on. You mentioned how she had attributes that your husband liked. That you don't. (like getting dressed up)

It looks like your husband is walking with the Lord in this matter and is trying to do the right thing. He makes sure you are there. (lack of communication and secrecy would be typical signs of trouble) Keep praying and communicating with each other. Pray for strength, wisdom, guidance and protection.

You mentioned an uncomfortability around her. Could some be caused by the mental issues you said she has had and her experiences as a troubled youth? Do you fear her condition? It seems like you don't have a problem here.

its important to identify the fear. What is making you so afraid? Ask. The spirit should be able to give you more information. I can't imagine the Holy Spirit placing a fear onto you with no basis for it and no understanding of what to do.

[Hikchick]

I haven't read the last few posts, but I thought I'd add that there have been other women that are "a perfect woman" before. I have never felt these feelings with anyone other than Tammy, no matter who or what the others have been like. Also, there have been women who have come on to my husband and he has always chosen the right path and gotten himself out of the situation asap. I don't know what it is about Tammy that gives me this feeling.

[rosie321]

My fear, I guess, is that of what could happen just because of temptation.

I know he won't go seeking anything, but that doesn't mean it's not out there to be seen or had. I guess knowing that there are no guarantees is what makes me super nervous. He knows that to me a kiss is just as bad as intercourse. Cheating is cheating, and I won't stick around afterwards. It would be over. The reason that I say this is because I don't think I could forgive him for that and it probably wouldn't be fair to him to have to live a life sentence no matter how many times he would ask for forgiveness. I don't believe that would be fair to us or our children.

Just reread this post. The more you push, the more you have fear on a matter the more likelihood it will happen. If you don't show you trust him then you might actually push him to do what you don't want him to do. Pray hard. Go with him.

You've already got your cheating escape plan all written up and are showing lack of trust. If you don't control it might you actually push him closer to her to either defend her or because he's sick of hearing about your lack of faith in him?

[Hikchick]

I've just read the last few posts before my last one. To be honest I've never felt threatened by any other woman no matter how close they have become as friends or anything else. There is no jealousy with the time he has spent with Tammy, either. Like I've said before, it's just a feeling of pure fear that I get. If I felt threatened by the way she looks, dresses, acts, etc., I would just ask my husband to avoid her. However, she has never done anything to make me doubt she is anything other than a good woman. I have the same feelings about my husband. I don't doubt that he has made his covenants to me and me to him. The only reason that I say I fear something arising is that I know as humans we are not perfect and to stick your head in the sand is only pretending that the problem isn't there and will go away on it's own.

Rosie,

Our communication is AWESOME! We've worked really hard in the last 10 years to know that no matter what we can talk to each other about ANYTHING! I only have thought of what might happen because of this fear. I know my husband isn't looking or wanting. Also, it's not herself that has had mental health issues.... it is her daughter. I'm not worried about that if either one of them were to be affected. I am bipolar myself and understand mental illness. I have a great doctor and am doing great on the meds that I have.

Again, I really don't feel insecure about or around her... why? Simply because I know my husband loves me and has taken his vows with me.

I just always come back with the feeling of danger and fear.

BTW, I trust him fully as far as whom he spends his time with and where he works, etc.

[Gwen]

just a thought, but have you prayed as to why being around her makes you feel sick? maybe there is another reason you need to be worried about this woman other than the obvious. maybe she isn't as christian as she seems or they don't have as much money as they seem and she is going to scam you or hurt your family in some other way. not making accusations against this woman, i don't know her. but the lord may be waring you and you are just way off track as to why or from what. i'd put a lot of prayer into it; find out what the lord wants me to do, or ask him to make it go away.

[StrawberryFields]

Hikchick,

Tammy is not a member of the church.

You feel that she is lonely because of her living relationship with her husband.

She shares a common bond with your husband (bows)

She likes to dress up where you don't.

I think you know what you need to do. There is no reason for you to continue to have a close friendship with her. You can still be polite without being social.

[Gabelma]

just a thought, but have you prayed as to why being around her makes you feel sick? maybe there is another reason you need to be worried about this woman other than the obvious. maybe she isn't as christian as she seems or they don't have as much money as they seem and she is going to scam you or hurt your family in some other way. not making accusations against this woman, i don't know her. but the lord may be waring you and you are just way off track as to why or from what. i'd put a lot of prayer into it; find out what the lord wants me to do, or ask him to make it go away.

I agree I would just walk away - it might not be what think but you are being warned

Charley

[pushka]

Hi Hikchick,

Just reading thru your posts I recognise myself in the feelings you have towards somebody being unfaithful to you...I too made plans that if anybody was ever unfaithful to me, in any way, and I found out I would immediately leave them. I actually did this with my husband when he was unfaithful.

I believe it stems from an inferiority complex within us...I have just completed 15 months of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in which I have had to challenge my negative thoughts about situations, in order to cope with them and stop myself from avoiding people and places because of my thoughts. I have never felt myself to be attractive or interesting enough to keep a boyfriend...even tho most of my relationships have been longterm, which seems to prove my thinking incorrect!! You need to look at yourself and your good qualities, instead of looking at somebody else and believing that their qualities are better than yours...even tho this other woman likes to dress up and you don't, your husband chose you in spite of that, so obviously that doesn't bother him...it's only an outward attraction anyway when it's based on looks and clothing only...your husband obviously likes you for yourself, regardless of what you choose to wear or anything else.

I recommend CBT if you have a local therapist offering the service. It can help you in lots of areas in your life. I believe we have a free Online CBT website here in the UK where you can print off the lesson pages...I would do a google search for Free Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Online and see if you can find the site.

In the meantime, think positively about yourself, and this will radiate so that other people will recognise the beauty of your inner confidence :)

Good Luck!!