Powerful TEDx Talk: How Do We Stop Childhood Adversity from Becoming a Life Sentence

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

https://youtu.be/qp0kV7JtWiE

 

 

Ironically, I don't agree with all his suggestions about the solution to the problem...universal pre-school?  No thanks.  Also because of my background, I don't trust authority figures so many of his suggestions make me really uncomfortable...so why am I sharing this?  Because this is the best thing I have seen in a long time about explaining WHY this is such an issue and why we need to do more to prevent childhood abuse.  I'm most sure what that answer is....but I think it begins by talking about it.  

People understandably are uncomfortable talking about childhood abuse, but ignoring it won't make it go away.  Everyone wants to get on the bandwagon and talk about bullying...well, abuse is bullying's 200 lb snarling big brother....so let's give it some of our attention too.

Edited March 17, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[Crypto]

Thank you for sharing this, it is an important topic.

[Palerider]

Like mental health....they both need more attention.

[lagarthaaz]

I watched it to the end - and found his recommendations a bit empty. (Are you a '6' too?).  And yes, the preschool at age three idea is stupid! He is talking about way too much state intervention in children's lives there.  The video he showed, btw, is shown to foster families to help sensitize them to the background of children who have been removed from their families.

 

In my experience people don't like talking about childhood abuse, especially if they've never been exposed to it through someone they know. I can imagine it's very hard to know what to say to someone who has been through something that is foreign to you on every level. I remember once chatting quite casually to a friend about an issue I was having with my mother and being pulled right back to earth when she said in a shocked tone  'I just cannot imagine talking about my mother in that way!'. I had made a commitment to myself to stop feeling dirty and ashamed and just be honest with people if ever the subject of my family came up.This was one of the first times I decided to talk openly about my childhood, and afterwards  I realized that most of my experiences were only ever going to be heard by a therapist and God.

 

I liked the title 'How do we stop childhood adversity from becoming a life sentence?', that is a huge question. I don't even know where to go with that because every child's ability to cope with abuse and adversity is different. We all have different levels of resilience and intelligence and coping mechanisms. 

 

Is there anything we can do really? The only way to stop this is to fix society's ills and where do we even begin with that. Removing children from their families needs to happen in some cases, but then what happens if they get shunted around lots of different foster families, or even worse, become abuse victims a second time.

 

I ended up in foster care a few times, and spent most of my childhood in a horribly dysfunctional family situation, and yet  I managed to get away and make a 'normal' life and family for myself. I know that for me, the influence of the gospel played a huge role in that.  

 

 

What do you think we can do? 

[Guest]

What do you think we can do?

Drastically reduce the welfare state so that families become bigger again. What I mean by that is - the typical American family is small - only Parents and Children. This is true for my husband. My husband has close to zero contact with any of his relations outside of his parents and siblings. And my kids has close to zero contact with my husband's siblings' children.

In this atmosphere, when a person is in trouble, they don't go to family. They go to the government. This is clearly illustrated when Sarah Jessica Parker - who is a multi-millionaire - said in an interview that the government needs to expand welfare benefits because her siblings are poor. Hello... you are a multi-millionaire. NONE of your siblings should be in welfare.

In the Philippines, welfare is virtually non-existent and divorce is illegal. This induces the family to take care of their own. So, the bigger the family, the more support you have. So much so that it is not unusual for a Filipino to have a cousin who, upon closer inspection, became a cousin because their grandparents were seatmates in Kindergarten. If a child in this family gets abused, all the other family step in and remove the child from the abuser but still remain in the family.

The advantage of family is that - the family tend to have set traditions and structure blanketing each individual quirky personality. So, you learn to be individuals working in a structured environment with common beliefs and goals. This establishes a group identity (like a Team) that children take on until they find their own identity as they mature. When members of the family become bad, they are removed from influence without changing the group identity that the children belong to.

[Jane_Doe]

When I was little, I knew a monster.  He was a serial sexual abuser whom, had his crimes been discovered, would have easily qualified for life in prison.  He hurt me and people I loved.  I didn't understand what was happening, only that things felt bad, and I was told to keep this a secret.  

 

So I kept it a secret for over 20 years.  And that was a mistake.

 

Abuse hurts: it's a disease which can so easily spread from one person to another.  I fought it alone, and sometimes I won, but frequently I lost.  I feared others knowing my secret more death.  But there was no reason for such fear, other than to let the abuse continue.  There was no reason for me to be alone.  

 

When I finally let people in to see me as I am, the beauty was amazing.  Beauty-- that's what I found inside of me and inside of others.  I found strength, I found courage, I found love-- I found my Savior.  I know *personally* how powerful the Savior's healing is, how great his mercy and justice are.  Such are the foundation of my testimony: it's my light to share with the world.

 

You don't have to be afraid, you don't have to be ashamed.  I no longer am.   

[carlimac]

Drastically reduce the welfare state so that families become bigger again. What I mean by that is - the typical American family is small - only Parents and Children. This is true for my husband. My husband has close to zero contact with any of his relations outside of his parents and siblings. And my kids has close to zero contact with my husband's siblings' children.

In this atmosphere, when a person is in trouble, they don't go to family. They go to the government. This is clearly illustrated when Sarah Jessica Parker - who is a multi-millionaire - said in an interview that the government needs to expand welfare benefits because her siblings are poor. Hello... you are a multi-millionaire. NONE of your siblings should be in welfare.

In the Philippines, welfare is virtually non-existent and divorce is illegal. This induces the family to take care of their own. So, the bigger the family, the more support you have. So much so that it is not unusual for a Filipino to have a cousin who, upon closer inspection, became a cousin because their grandparents were seatmates in Kindergarten. If a child in this family gets abused, all the other family step in and remove the child from the abuser but still remain in the family.

The advantage of family is that - the family tend to have set traditions and structure blanketing each individual quirky personality. So, you learn to be individuals working in a structured environment with common beliefs and goals. This establishes a group identity (like a Team) that children take on until they find their own identity as they mature. When members of the family become bad, they are removed from influence without changing the group identity that the children belong to.

I really like the sound of this. It rings true to me. But I fear it couldn't become a reality in most of the US.  Families are so spread out. My own children will be literally spread from coast to coast by this spring. We left Utah (where the majority of our family still live) for a job in the midwest 15 years ago. We've been trying to get back for about 12 years with no luck. Not that I know of any abuse at all in either mine or my husband's family. But if there were it would be pretty impractical to try to step in from 1500 miles away and really do any long term good. 

 

I wish it were different. We long for the old values and the acreage that could be divided up between our children so we all live close. But they are too independent and wouldn't like that arrangement. 

Edited March 20, 2015 by carlimac

[Guest]

I really like the sound of this. It rings true to me. But I fear it couldn't become a reality in most of the US.  Families are so spread out. My own children will be literally spread from coast to coast by this spring. We left Utah (where the majority of our family still live) for a job in the midwest 15 years ago. We've been trying to get back for about 12 years with no luck. Not that I know of any abuse at all in either mine or my husband's family. But if there were it would be pretty impractical to try to step in from 1500 miles away and really do any long term good. 

 

I wish it were different. We long for the old values and the acreage that could be divided up between our children so we all live close. But they are too independent and wouldn't like that arrangement.

My family is spread all across 4 continents... we did it even before the "information age". So much more so now. When my dad got cancer, all of us siblings took turns caring for him - we are spread out on 2 continents - my dad flew across the Pacific to get his chemo from a clinical trial for this new drug in Texas, so we all had to make trips there. My brother is his Primary doctor, and he lives in one continent, my sister was his Primary nurse, and she lives in another continent... Sure, it's not practical. But that's our commitment to family. If one of my siblings would turn out to be a doofus, it doesn't matter where he lives, something is going to be done.

This has actually happened in our family. We had to technically kidnap my cousin from her idiot mother when she was just a baby. We couldn't wait for the courts to deliberate over adoption proceedings and she "jetted" out of the province. Good thing we have military people in our family that did a "commando thing" to find her and take the baby. Then it became a dicey hide-and-seek for a few months until the court decision came through. It was quite a big drama when she got married and her mother showed up!

Edited March 23, 2015 by anatess

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I have to admit when I first read Anatess' post I started thinking--that won't work because . . .

 

But then I stopped myself.  I don't think there is going to be a perfect solution in this life, and so being realistic about that...I do like Anatess' idea.  I don't think it would help in every family...for some families' abuse is rampant...but I do think it could help in others.  

 

What I would like to see first of all is people being more willing to talk about abuse, and thus understanding better it's affect on people, signs to look for etc, etc.  

 

Gotta run....