Met an LDS woman, who wants to get married

[Guest MormonGator]

If this is the criteria count me 8n too. And even these are a case by case basis.

 Totally agree. I knew a guy whose wife had a serious drinking problem. When he was asked if he was going to leave her, he said it succinctly and beautifully, "When we said till death do us part, we meant it. That doesn't mean I agree with her choices and that I'm not angry with her."  

[prisonchaplain]

IMHO Danielchoice's real issue was that people tend to believe women when they cry, "Abuse!"  His claim is to know men who've been so accused and were not guilty.  Yet, it tends to be "guilty-til-proven-innocent," when the abuse charge is lobbed.  The "LDS are pro-divorce" accusation was a red herring.  Alas, it appears he is no longer here to elaborate. 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

IMHO Danielchoice's real issue was that people tend to believe women when they cry, "Abuse!" His claim is to know men who've been so accused and were not guilty. Yet, it tends to be "guilty-til-proven-innocent," when the abuse charge is lobbed. The "LDS are pro-divorce" accusation was a red herring. Alas, it appears he is no longer here to elaborate.

It may appear to be guilty until proven innocent here on the board because we give the person the benefit of the doubt. And perhaps it feel that way to a man who is emotionally abusive but doesn't realize his ways are abusive.

But denial is a powerful thing, and from talking to many abuse survivors, I can tell you that most of the time the first reaction they get, when they try to tell someone about the abuse, is disbelief and denial. And sometimes they get that reaction over and over.

Edited October 15, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[pkstpaul]

I'll be honest with her, and show her the posts I've saved from here.  And I'll show her this thread.  And allow her to make her own decisions.  I don't control her.

Now, you got me believing you could be abusive. What the heck? If you have no intentions of marrying this woman then break it off. You don't need to rub a bunch of stuff in her face first. For crying out loud!

[Latter-Day Marriage]

IMHO Danielchoice's real issue was that people tend to believe women when they cry, "Abuse!"  His claim is to know men who've been so accused and were not guilty.  Yet, it tends to be "guilty-til-proven-innocent," when the abuse charge is lobbed.

I think it runs deeper than that.  A couple breakes up and people who know nothing about them will tend to assume that he cheated on her or mistreated her.  Guilt by gender is deeply entrenched in the culture.

[prisonchaplain]

LatterDayMarriage, I agree with you and LiterateParakeet.  We are a cruel species.  We doubt the victims, and are quick to blame men when relationships go wrong.  Pastorally, if a woman claims she's being abuse, I'll err on her side, in terms of making sure she and her children are in immediate safety.  As she goes through her own counseling and healing, if it turns out she's lying, I suspect it will come out fairly soon--at least in most cases.  On the other hand, if a man comes to me for counseling, I will check myself and my possible prejudices, and simply hear what he has to say.  Even friends being a support would do well to just listen and pray.  We really don't have to say much.  We certainly don't have to draw hard conclusions.

 

I know a fellow who's  wife left him for a doctor.  He was a youth pastor, and she turned against God and the church.  They had a young child (2).  To gain total custody, she said he abused the child.  He spent $25K on a lawyer, and was exonerated in criminal court.  Over at family court the judge gave the wife total custody, saying that since the mother was so convinced of abuse that she filed those charges, joint custody would not be healthy for the child.

 

So, yeah.  We all have stories.  Most people and most churches are neither "pro-divorce," "pro-abuse," or anti-male.  There are anecdotes to suggest all those though. 

[EarlJibbs]

I don't trust the family court system because I know how it works.  I don't trust her religion because I came to read what advice her religion gives and I found that you are pro-divorce.  I trust her enough to be in a committed relationship with her.  And none of you even bothered to answer my questions.  I've been through the blame shifting to the man routine before, years ago, when I went through my divorce.  Standard on every forum.

 

Can I get married to her without a state contract if I were to join the LDS religion?

 

I will present this stuff to her and she can make her own decisions.

I think you can learn something of the LDS church on this forum. But by no means would I take anything said as an "opinion" here officially from "her religion" as you put it. 

 

Please read this, from the Chuch's web site, entitled "The Family: A Proclamation To The World. This IS official. https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng and it will show you what we think of marriage and families. 

 

What should you do? As a whole, we are serious about our commitments, which you are not ready to give to your girlfriend. Don't blame this on her religion. Blame this on your previous experiences and you personally. 

 

Lastly, you really don't know what happened in your friends lives. You weren't there. It doesn't matter how much you trust them. They easily could have been abusive. I caught one of my family committing adultery, with my own eyes mind you. He denied it outright and refused to admit it for almost a year while he continued to do it. In the end he was excommunicated from the LDS religion when he finally admitted to it. Still, his wife did not divorce him. She certainly considered it and was about to, but divorce is usually the last option considered AND advised of within the church. They are still together nearly 5 years later. 

 

I take no offense to your words but I say this, you are incorrect sir in your opinion of the members as a whole as it doesn't fall in line with our principles and our doctrine. If you understood what a temple ceremony represented, which is a bond for eternity, you certainly wouldn't make these claims about the members as an entirety. 

Edited October 15, 2015 by EarlJibbs