Parenting Teenagers

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

So I'm just curious what other people's views are on parenting teenagers.  

 

I feel strongly that part of parenting teens means preparing them to be on their own...and that means letting them make their own choices (as long as it is safe to do so).  My daughter's friends parents seem to have different ideas...so I'm just curious what you think.  

 

A couple examples that have come up recently: tonight the girls were thinking about going to a local restaurant at about 9:30 p.m.  My view was  "have fun, be home by midnight".  The other parents said, "It's too late you have church tomorrow."  I don't get it.  These girls are 17.  If they are tired at church tomorrow, they'll live (these girls wouldn't use that as an excuse to skip church)....and they'll either not stay out so late next time, or they will and they'll be tired.  Either way the world will not come to an end.  (Sometimes there are church dances on Saturdays that end at 11:30, but no one has a problem with that . . . )

 

Another scenario...a friend who is home from college has a curfew.  Seriously?  I don't understand.  What is the point of that?  

 

New Year's Eve....it's okay to go to the church dance--but not bowling and dinner...because there might be drunk drivers.  I can't understand the reasoning behind this at all.  

 

I have (or have had) four teenagers so far.  I give them a lot of freedom (because they need to learn to make their own decisions, and live with the consequences) as long as the consequences are not potentially life altering (physically or spiritually).    My husband and I are in agreement on this, and so far...our teenagers have done great with this freedom.  They haven't abused it, and we have great relationships with them.  It's a win/win.  

 

What are your thoughts on parenting teens? 

[Guest]

Teens are quite a breed. I'm battling one right now who thinks he should lecture me on trust when I ask him, "Did you feed your pets?"

Anyway, my style is... I've given them the rules and traditions. They should know it by now. If they don't, then I failed as a parent. So this stage is simply a reminder stage.., "Remember Church tomorrow. You need to be prepared for the Sabbath." And let them decide how best to do that - whether they go to dinner or not.

I do instill curfews. This is part of the "my house, my rules". Just because you turned adult doesn't change the house rules. I don't wanna have to worry about the fox entering the henhouse because I thought it was one of the hens opening the door.

Etc. etc.

[Jane_Doe]

People do have different styles.  I'm in agreement with you LP, but my own mother would be the other extreme--  she tries to tell me "that's too late to drive" and I'm 30, married, and have a daughter.  

 

As my daughter is a toddler, and not a teenager, I'll approach this from a different angle: professionally I work in a university, teaching and mentoring undergrads (and the occasional high school student).  There is HUGE difference in maturity between them.  Below are some very general trends--  

 

1) There are those who's parents helicoptered the entire way.  These students generally do well at first, but somewhere also the line have a "who am I and why am I here" crisis.  From the crisis point, it's very variable where they go.

2)  There are those who's parents were completely absent in the kids teenage life.  These kids know how to do their laundry, but are still trying to find their compass and lack focus.  

3)  There are those who's parents let them do whatever and then picked up their messes for them.  These students really struggle.

4)  My favorite students (yes, teachers have favorites), are those whom parent's set structure (such as things which needed to be done), gave the kids deadlines, and then backed off and let the kids do them.  

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I do instill curfews. This is part of the "my house, my rules". Just because you turned adult doesn't change the house rules. I don't wanna have to worry about the fox entering the henhouse because I thought it was one of the hens opening the door.

 

 

I agree.  I particularly like what you said here about curfews, that makes sense.  When my oldest comes home from his mission, I wouldn't want him wandering in at 2 am.  I hadn't thought about it that way.  I think a reasonable curfew is understandable. 

 

People do have different styles.  I'm in agreement with you LP, but my own mother would be the other extreme--  she tries to tell me "that's too late to drive" and I'm 30, married, and have a daughter.  

 

 

1) There are those who's parents helicoptered the entire way.  These students generally do well at first, but somewhere also the line have a "who am I and why am I here" crisis.  From the crisis point, it's very variable where they go.

2)  There are those who's parents were completely absent in the kids teenage life.  These kids know how to do their laundry, but are still trying to find their compass and lack focus.  

3)  There are those who's parents let them do whatever and then picked up their messes for them.  These students really struggle.

4)  My favorite students (yes, teachers have favorites), are those whom parent's set structure (such as things which needed to be done), gave the kids deadlines, and then backed off and let the kids do them.  

 

LOL, good point about the driving.  It makes me wonder if it is more about the parent's anxiety than their parenting ideals.   :)  

I like your list.  When I was growing up, my parents were #2.  That was hard.  Of course, I like to think that as a parent I'm #4.  

 

I should add that I realize not all teenagers are the same.  My kids have been awesomely easy to far...I attribute this as much to who they were from the preexistence as anything....if I had more difficult teens, I might change my approach significantly.  For example, in my work, we deal with teenage sex offenders.  It's a residential program.  Most of them are here to get treatment in lieu of being in juvenile detention.  As such, they have very strict rules, and I believe that is the best approach for them.  

Edited December 27, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[zil]

I can't really remember much about being a teenager, and don't have any of my own, so I can't speak from experience, but from some of the things I've heard said, I think the following (take it for whatever it may be worth):

 

1) When a kid says, "I'm going out...", that's the wrong time to have the discussion about curfews, rules, or whatever.  They're either leaving to make it on time, or they're already late, and their mind is made up, so stopping them is going to seem very negative and will result in a defensive reaction.  Brief reminders of things you already taught seem appropriate.

 

2) It seems like some parents wait until an argument ensues before they explain their rationale (if they even know it).  I wonder if it wouldn't be so much better to have a discussion about those parental anxieties.  What's wrong with discussing with your teen your fears and the basis for them.  It may not change their mind (their frontal lobes aren't done developing yet, so logic is often lost on teens), but I would think understanding and trust could be easier when it's not one-sided (lose the "cuz I said so" and "I'm the adult" answers which only encourage rebellion).

 

One time my parents discussed with me the concept of parental stewardship and the fact that they have the right to receive revelation for my welfare.  It was a short discussion because the Spirit testified to me of the truth of what they were saying, and having grown up in the gospel, I knew the principle.  So when they told me that if they ever called and said I needed to come home right away, or do some other thing, I agreed in advance that I would do as they asked - because I understood why they would be doing it.  This was infinitely more effective than the stereotypical (see above) parental reasoning could have been.

 

3) I often wonder (more with young kids than teenagers, and based on hearing parents talk about problems), what would happen if arguments ended not with the kid getting sent to their room, but with the parent recognizing that the argument is wrong (contention is of the devil, after all), and setting the example by saying something along the lines of, "It was wrong to argue, let's kneel down and pray for forgiveness and help in discussing this."  A kid might roll their eyes (if they weren't used to this from a very young age), but done sincerely, the Spirit might fix the eye-rolling reaction, and help resolve the contention...  (In fairness, it would be a hard habit to develop, I'm sure.)

[Guest]

I had a midnight curfew and my parents generally wanted to know where I was. If I was going to be late, they expected a phone call. I always felt that they cared about me and my safety, but also trusted me to make good choices. 

 

I moved back home for about a month before my wedding, because of a housing gap. I was kind of annoyed that they still expected me to keep the midnight curfew, but in hindsight I'm sure glad they did. DH and I made it to the temple. It's no lie that late at night, when you're tired and it's dark, the defenses go down a bit. Also as a parent I can understand it, and I'm glad I was "forced" to give my parents the courtesy of getting in at a decent time so they could go to bed with doors locked and everyone in safe so they didn't have to have one eye and one ear open. 

[Backroads]

I never had a curfew. My siblings and I were entrusted to be reasonable about staying out late and keeping our parents in the loop if anything out of the ordinary was going to happen. But no official home time. My mom likes to brag about how we were all good kids, perhaps none of us needed a curfew.

I'd like to raise my kids similarly, teach them skills to get to the point where I can trust them to decide how to spend their nights. By 17, kids ought to make such decisions.

College time... I respect house rules, but I personally found the relationship with my parents changed after I moved out for college.

[JojoBag]

One thing I learned about teenagers is that they don't listen to their parents.  I would find someone the teen does trust and get them to help out. 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

 

One time my parents discussed with me the concept of parental stewardship and the fact that they have the right to receive revelation for my welfare.  It was a short discussion because the Spirit testified to me of the truth of what they were saying, and having grown up in the gospel, I knew the principle.  So when they told me that if they ever called and said I needed to come home right away, or do some other thing, I agreed in advance that I would do as they asked - because I understood why they would be doing it.  This was infinitely more effective than the stereotypical (see above) parental reasoning could have been.

 

Yes, we have that sort of discussion in our family too!  I think that is wise.  :) 

 

 

 

I moved back home for about a month before my wedding, because of a housing gap. I was kind of annoyed that they still expected me to keep the midnight curfew, but in hindsight I'm sure glad they did. DH and I made it to the temple. It's no lie that late at night, when you're tired and it's dark, the defenses go down a bit. Also as a parent I can understand it, and I'm glad I was "forced" to give my parents the courtesy of getting in at a decent time so they could go to bed with doors locked and everyone in safe so they didn't have to have one eye and one ear open. 

 

Yes, that is true.  My hubby and I lived away from our parents when we were dating, so we had to impose our own curfew on ourselves, but I get your point.  :)  

 

 

I never had a curfew. My siblings and I were entrusted to be reasonable about staying out late and keeping our parents in the loop if anything out of the ordinary was going to happen. But no official home time. My mom likes to brag about how we were all good kids, perhaps none of us needed a curfew.

 

 

That is basically how it is at our house too.  I've always been careful to set an example for the kids of being courteous in letting them know my schedule i.e. if I'm going to be home later than usual from work because of an appointment, or when I expect to be home if I go out with a friend.  Because I modeled that behavior, I haven't had any trouble getting it back in return.  Eleven or midnight is an unspoken curfew at our house.  

 

One thing I learned about teenagers is that they don't listen to their parents.  I would find someone the teen does trust and get them to help out. 

 

That does seem to be the case for many teenagers, but not all.  My teenagers talk to me and their dad.  My daughter recently shared a picture of us on FB and called me one of her best friends.  I was very touched.  :)  I always wanted that kind of a relationship with my own mother...but never even came close.  So my relationships with my daughter (and sons) are such treasures to me. 

[yjacket]

What are your thoughts on parenting teens? 

Sounds like you are doing a pretty good job, so I'd ignore what the other parents are doing.

 

Personally, I think up until about 13 is when you teach strict obedience and discipline.  If you do your job right and your kid doesn't choose to be screwed up from 13-17 is the time to mentor the child.

 

The time to have the noose tight is when they are young when they don't know any better, then slowly but surely loosen it up as they get older, allow them to make the right kind of mistakes and learn from them. If by the time they are 17/18 they aren't pretty much self-regulated then they aren't going to be self-regulated when they get out of the house. Then they will find all this freedom with no one to tell them what to do and then there is no telling which way they will go.

 

Good job, keep it up; I hope when I'm there I'll be like that too.

 

The only thing I would caution about is being their best friend being buddy, buddy. Best friends don't discipline you when needed. Sometimes, I think parents set being a best friend to their child above being a parent and the two are completely different and play different roles. I don't think you have-but it is easy to get the two mixed up.

 

I'm closer to my Dad than anyone except my wife-but he is not my best friend; he is my Father and that relationship is much deeper than a best friend.  I won't say things to him and I don't talk to him the same way as a best friend-why? because there is a measure of Respect, Gratitude and Love in that relationship that cannot be present in a best friend relationship.

Edited December 28, 2015 by yjacket

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

The only thing I would caution about is being their best friend being buddy, buddy. Best friends don't discipline you when needed. Sometimes, I think parents set being a best friend to their child above being a parent and the two are completely different and play different roles. I don't think you have-but it is easy to get the two mixed up.

 

I'm closer to my Dad than anyone except my wife-but he is not my best friend; he is my Father and that relationship is much deeper than a best friend.  I won't say things to him and I don't talk to him the same way as a best friend-why? because there is a measure of Respect, Gratitude and Love in that relationship that cannot be present in a best friend relationship.

 

I appreciated your whole post.  Just thought I would comment on this part....I understand your caution, but no worries.  I'm not afraid to put on my "Mom hat" and tell them "no", when needed.  Fortunately, so far they all have made good choices, and so that is rarely an issue.  But when I do say no, that respect you mentioned steps in and they do as I ask (or as my husband asks.)