Supporting a spouse through disfellowship

[Charlottesometimes]

I am struggling to support my husband who has been disfellowshipped. He is so down on himself. This is not anything new but now it is so worse. In the past when he gets down I withdraw myself because I'm tired of his negative self talk. It has gone on for 15 years. Now he has been disfellowshipped and the negative talk is toward the church/not having the priesthood, more people that 'know his sin' and all the things that come along with the DI. How can I help him? What can I say that can ease his mind? I'm at a loss. Should I talk to my bishop and let him know?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

He has been "down on himself" for 15 years?  Do you mean he has struggled with depression for that long, or just a negative self-image?  The two can certainly be related, I'm just trying to better understand what is going on.  

 

As general advice, I think you best thing you can do is NOT to say something to ease his mind, but to listen.  Your desire to say something is normal, that's what we do in our culture, but that doesn't make it the best solution.  Listening and validation is what he needs.  Validation doesn't necessarily mean you agree, just that you heard.

 

So encourage him to talk to you about what he is feeling.  Don't judge, don't try to correct, don't try to cheer him up...just listen and say something like, "That must be hard."  or "I'm sorry you are hurting so much."

 

If you really, really think you need to "say something" then wait...first LISTEN and VALIDATE his feelings.  Then when he feels understood, he will be in more of a listening mode himself, but first he needs to feel heard. 

 

I went through a period where I was very depressed and I became very frustrated with the church....believe me it did NOT help when people tried to correct me or "fix me".  I'm speaking from experience here.  Your husband needs to be heard (even if you disagree or what he says makes you uncomfortable.)  Trust him and trust Heavenly Father that he (your husband) has what it takes to get through this.

 

And 15 years of suffering?! I really think therapy would help.  I'm in therapy and it has helped me a lot. 

[Sunday21]

Sorry you are going through this. I tried supporting a friend through this situation. He spiralled out of control. Nasty situation. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Best wishes.

[Charlottesometimes]

Yep 15 years off and on, he's on meds and therapy. Just had a bad childhood and brings it up every time he feels bad. I've tried the listening he gets upset if I don't converse with him but doesn't link when I try to be positive. 2 edge sword.

[Just_A_Guy]

I tend to get in funks sometimes and Just_A_Girl tries to talk me out of them, but--and maybe it's just my personality--while it helps to know generally that she loves me and wants the best for me and is willing to put the time into trying to talk me up; the words themselves don't actually help a whole lot and I know that that's deeply frustrating for her.  (Does that make any sense at all?)

 

If your husband is like me, the best thing you can do is let him know you love him but not really engage him verbally or join his pity party.  At the same time, find little ways to serve and show your love for him.

 

Note that this advice only works for a certain type of personality--it's diametrically opposed in some ways to what LP (whom I respect tremendously) is saying and I can see it backfiring in spectacular fashion for a different personality type.  So definitely follow the Spirit on this one

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I tend to get in funks sometimes and Just_A_Girl tries to talk me out of them, but--and maybe it's just my personality--while it helps to know generally that she loves me and wants the best for me and is willing to put the time into trying to talk me up; the words themselves don't actually help a whole lot and I know that that's deeply frustrating for her. (Does that make any sense at all?)

If your husband is like me, the best thing you can do is let him know you love him but not really engage him verbally or join his pity party. At the same time, find little ways to serve and show your love for him.

Note that this advice only works for a certain type of personality--it's diametrically opposed in some ways to what LP (whom I respect tremendously) is saying and I can see it backfiring in spectacular fashion for a different personality type. So definitely follow the Spirit on this one

I don't think it's opposed to what I said. :) We both agree that trying to cheer him up won't help.

And though it might not have been clear in my post, I support giving him space (and quiet) if that is what he needs.

I think the main thing is not to try and fix him. Only the Savior can do that.

ETA: BTW: Thanks, I respect you too. :)

Edited January 5, 2016 by LiterateParakeet

[Guest MormonGator]

I don't think it's opposed to what I said. :) We both agree that trying to cheer him up won't help.

And though it might not have been clear in my post, I support giving him space (and quiet) if that is what he needs.

I think the main thing is not to try and fix him. Only the Savior can do that.

ETA: BTW: Thanks, I respect you too. :)

Anyone who doesn't have respect for LitPar should be disfellowshipped immediately.  Just saying. 

OP-I know someone who was disfellowshipped. He got through it fine. So did his spouse. It's tough now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Praying for you, big time. 

Edited January 5, 2016 by MormonGator

[Palerider]

My suggestion would be to speak with your Bishop and also speak with him about seeing the Church Physcologist. That might be good for him. If cost is a concern you might also speak with your Bishop about the church helping you pay for the session thru Fast offerings.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Anyone who doesn't have respect for LitPar should be disfellowshipped immediately.  Just saying. 

 

LOL, thanks Gator.  You're the best.

[Charlottesometimes]

Thank you for your replies, I have tried giving him space, I've tried talking to him-positivity, I think I will go talk to my bishop. The DF is very new so hopefully the bishop can help me before he goes the wrong direction.

[Crypto]

Feeling down because you have been disfellowed I imagine would be normal. The pain, hate, hurt, distrust from what someone has done, and what the consequences are, is also normal. If it's something that has been going on for a long time, then the shame, and guilt can also contribute to the fifteen years of being down. It could also be related to depression. For the spiritual healing all you can really do is invite him to the healing power of Jesus Christ, and the best way is often through your own example.
 

For the depression, while I firmly believe spiritual healing can help, it's also best to seek psychological help through a trained doctor, or counselor.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Negative self talk can have a powerful effect on a person.  Been there, done that. If he's into self help books there is one called 'Learned Optimism' that is really good.  I wish somebody have given it to me when I started high school.

[Sunday21]

The book "feeling good" by David d burns is said to be as effective as therapy. There are exercises to change the way you talk to yourself eg I am useless. It is cheap. You can check for a used copy on "Abe books"

[Convert2009]

I can relate to this sister's husband. I'm currently disfellowshipped, struggle with major depression, suicidal ideation periodically, and I'm on a pharmacy full of medications for depression, anxiety, mood swings, and sleep aids. I also regularly see a therapist and psychiatrist, who are both LDS, so their methods in working with me centers around the Gospel, and the Savior, and His Atonement.

There's a really good book he may want to read. It's called "Forgiving Ourselves When We Let Ourselves Down" by Wendy Ulrich. Some things there I have found helpful. She says we can't mover on in life until we give up all hope of having a better past.

I relate to the husband's disdain for the Church. It often feels like you are useless because you've basically been reduced to someone who can't participate in Church or anything as rewarding such as hometeaching. It's easy to feel like the Church is trying to push you out when you are lower than 12-year-old deacons, who can use a priesthood you aren't allowed to.

But this husband must also take responsibility for his sins and turn to the Savior and lean on Him. Believe it or not, self-pity and self-loathing behaviors and feeling are a form of pride. Most people think of being arrogant and snobby as having pride and vanity, but that it only one ofor pride's many forms.

Think about it. People, who are negative (and I still struggle with it), rip themselves and despise their situation. They see the bad things in life looking for evidence to justify their negative feelings. Even when God puts something squarely in front of them to lift them up, they will seek to dismiss it.

Heavenly Father wants us to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves. Self-pity and ranting on about how bad life is for you is a prideful demon that needs to be abolished. It is vain to say, "Look at me. My life sucks and is tougher than yours" or "I'm a bad person, who isn't worthy of God's love," which essentially undermines Heavenly Father's view of us as if we know more about ourselves than God. That concept is proud.

I'm not saying he should be lectured and have Gospel principles thrown at him. He'll feel worse then. All we can do is continue to show love to those, who struggle with negativity. God wouldn't sit and listen to us complain about ourselves or our lives, and neither should anyone else. He will have to learn to love himself and truly humble himself turning over all forms of pride over to the Savior. He can find a real positive peace when he can fall to his knees and say to God, "I'm done with all of these exhaustive negative emotions. I turn all of it and my life over to thee. Please, use me, oh Lord, that I may find worth in myself in service to thy kingdom despite my limitations. I have something to offer. Help me, Lord, to know what it is and that I may have opportunities to be used in thy service."

Engaging in community service, family history, random acts of kindness seeking nothing in return--these are just a few things that have helped me to feel like I have something to give. Consequently, I'm going to start providing the bread for Sacrament meetings. We are disfellowshipped. When it comes to Sacrament, we can't pass. We can't partake. But we can provide.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts on this.