Hello!

[Sadliers]

 

I normally don't do introductions but felt compelled to do so this time. I felt to share my story so that it will help someone that is where I have been in feeling like the wheels are spinning in the gospel yet going nowhere.

 

 

My story begins in 2011 when the wife that I dearly loved had left. I knew that I was in a very dangerous situation spiritually due to a previous divorce that caused me to sink in to a deep, black hole of depression. I was facing that possibility again and knew that I would have to fly or I'd sink, there would be no bobbing. In reflecting over my life the only time that I seemed to be happiest and felt that I could take on any challenge was when I had the Spirit with me in abundance. I figured that if my days were consumed with that Spirit then there would be no chance for sinking. However if I wasn't mindful and allowed even one day to go by without the Spirit then I very likely could slip into the depression that could take a half year or more to get back out of. I also thought that I was more happy when I felt happy and the Spirit fostered that, too, so it looked like the Spirit would be the key to get me through that rough time. 

 

I came up with a plan for keeping the Spirit with me. I called it Spiritual Boot Camp because I would going to have to do it even if it killed me. And the writing on the wall seemed to indicate that it would kill me because I would have to give up so many things that I enjoyed and resign myself to a life of boredom. I made a list of rules for this boot camp and the number one rule was: the Spirit trumps everything. Each day there would be choices to make and each choice may or may not effect the Spirit. If by any chance that choice did effect the Spirit then the Spirit would win and the choice would be to go with the Spirit no matter how painful and no matter how costly. If it meant that I would stand to lose everything if a I told the truth then the truth had to prevail because any falsehood or deception would offend the Spirit so the choice to go with the Spirit would trump all my possessions. I was that serious.

 

There were a few other rules, too, such as if the Spirit was observed to be absent then immediate action had to be taken to get the Spirit back. If I was in an important meeting and the Spirit left then I would excuse myself from the meeting to go to a closet and repent - nothing was going to be more important than the Spirit.

 

With that I began to clean house. I went through the music and asked myself "does this bring the Spirit into my day?" Most did not. Most would make me feel good but that feeling was not the Spirit so it had to go. Bye bye The Wall, Dark Side of the Moon, and the rest that gave me hours on end of entertainment. And to make sure I wouldn't change my mind I destroyed them before throwing them away.

 

When I began the journey I reflected on a dream my father once had. In the dream he entered the spirit world shortly after grandma did. Grandpa was giving grandma accolades on how well she had done in life. Dad approached grandpa and asked what he needed to do. With a tear in his eye grandpa said there were four things that was holding dad back which he needed to overcome. He mentioned the first and dad thought that was way too hard and didn't know if he would be able to do it. Grandpa mentioned the second one and dad thought that it was easier and probably doable. Grandpa then mentioned the third and fourth and those sounded pretty easy. Grandpa could sense what dad was thinking so he told dad that he had to start on the hardest first. Dad woke up and contemplated the dream. He decided that he would work on the easiest first so then tackle the hardest last. At that he went back to sleep. Come morning he couldn't remember what any of them were except for the hardest.

 

I took dad's experience to heart and decided that I had to worry on the hardest one first, too, if I was going to be serious about boot camp. For me that was anger. Just refraining from being angry wouldn't work as long as there was anger in the heart so I I I diligently worked on never allowing it to even enter the heart. It was tough! I was having to do checks every 10 to 15 minutes to see if I was feeling anger over anything and, if so, then I would have to stop what I was doing, repent, get the Spirit back, then proceed with my day. It would take about 5 to 7 minutes to get the Spirit back and so this was consuming my day! I would cave to other weaknesses but this one was so tough that all I could do was ask Father to be patient with me on it because I didn't have the strength to work on two at once. He was very patient! I had to lean very heavily on Jesus because it was a great struggle to loose the bands of anger so that I could have the Spirit with me 24/7.

 

Just to give an idea what it was like, as soon as I found the Spirit missing it was usually because there was anger welling up again. So I would have to sing or hum a church hymn and then offer up a prayer of "yep, it got me again" and counsel with God on how I could stop it the next time. Usually there were trigger points and so I would have to plan out what I would do the next time the trigger point was hit, and make sure the plan was to think and act as Jesus would think and act. I would then role play it in the mind. Eventually I could act it out as role played in the mind, both in thought and in action. But that would be just one scenarios with one trigger point. So I would have to do the same for all other known scenarios and trigger points.

 

Each day would start out with offering a prayer to Father and asking Him for strength to overcome. I would lay out the battle plans for the day. Come evening time I would check back in with Father. I would tell Him how the day went.  I would acknowledge the successes as well as the failures. I would seek for His advice or suggestions.  And, most of all, I would thank Him for helping me throughout the day. Yes, some days were test days where He would send a test in some aspect of anger. It got to he point that when the test would come I would just chuckle and reply that the test was too easy. He would then send some really tough ones. LOL! It's all good!

 

After about 3 days after starting boot camp it was simply too hard!  My time and energy was being consumed with trying to overcome anger and there was so little progress! It literally felt like I had moved only an inch in a race that was one mile long! That was when the Spirit had me look back and then said "yes, but now you're an inch ahead - isn't that better than no progress?" The Spirit was right but it was tough! I finally resolved that I would only try this boot camp for one month and if it didn't look like progress was being made then I'd can it and resolve to going back to who I was. The Spirit seemed ok with that.

 

After about two weeks I finally hit a major milestone. I went one full hour without any anger at all! That was a BIG accomplishment! So I celebrated... And didn't even get angry over it!

 

After the first month the Spirit asked me if I was going to quit. By this time things were getting easier. I was reaching multiple hours in the day without succumbing to even the least bit of anger. The presence of the Spirit was being felt more and in a greater degree. No, I would not quit because I was enjoying my time with the Spirit, progress was being made, prayers were being more readily answered, and I was learning from the most awesome teacher - God! 

 

It was about two months before I finally had my first whole day without any anger whatsoever. That was another major mile mark with another celebration!

 

It was only about another month and the anger was then becoming a small thing in my life. I would wake up all excited to take on the day because it was another day for honing my new skill of living without anger, though there was plenty of reason to be angry. Then one day, just as I was feeling like anger was now insignificant in my life, the Spirit told me to take what I was working on,place it on the back burner yet keep plucking at it, and now begin working on my next greatest weakness. I clearly knew what that was because I had to keep asking Father to be patient and I'd get to it. Now it was time to work on it. So I began the process again of making a focused and concentrated effort to overcoming it. By now the Spirit was with me more and more while insights were coming in greater measure. At times I would be consumed with the Spirit in what is referred to as the 'fire within'. I loved it! 

 

Overcoming that weakness didn't take as long. And just as before the Spirit one day said to now put that one on the back burner as the previous and now begin working on my next weakness. But there was a problem: I didn't know what it was. I thought really deeply and tried figuring it out but the Spirit wasn't telling me nor giving any direction. I was at a total loss! How do I work on something that I don't know? I recalled Ether 12:27 which says if man comes to Jesus He will show them their weaknesses. So I went to Father and explained that the Spirit told me to work on my next weakness but I didn't know what it was and would He please reveal it. But you know, I never realized that the verse said "I will SHOW unto them their weakness". And that is EXACTLY what He did - He showed me by sending a trial that revealed what it was. It was pride! All those years and I didn't know that I was suffering from pride!!! Normally being shown a weakness is a 'quit picking on me' thing but by this point it was exciting to find out where the shortcomings were because it meant that I could overcome them and draw closer to God - and I loved drawing closer to Them!!! With this new revelation I was given to understand that any time I elevated myself above another then it was pride. I was shown how it played out in my life. That was probably the most exciting weakness to overcome because once it was overcome then the sense of having to be right or held in esteem by others was lost. I learned how to shrug my shoulders and just say "that's who I am" rather than trying to uphold an image to others. 

 

After that one was sufficiently overcome it was just little stuff that didn't take long at all. And the neatest part was that the Spirit was with me I. A greatest degree throughout the day that it was causing the "unspeakable joy" throughout the day. Talking about being on cloud 9! I was firmly convinced that most drug users would not use drugs if they could only experience what I was experiencing because it beat the best of their drugs yet was free and pleasing to Father!!!

 

It wasn't long after the dinky weaknesses were overcome that I was walking to the bishops house one night to ask a question. On the way over it dawned on me that the Spirit was now with me ALL the time! Then the sacrament prayer came to mind: that they may ALWAYS have His Spirit to be with them". Bingo! I finally understood what was meant by that! Up until then the Spirit was a visitor that would come and go. If I needed the Spirit for something then It would come. But because of my weaknesses the Spirit could not stay and would leave. When we overcome the weaknesses that offend the Spirit then the Spirit will come and always be with us. Such a simple concept yet it took until then for it to be understood. And the reason why it was understood was because it was revealed by the Spirit. Anything revealed by the Spirit is always simple to the understanding.

 

After talking with the bishop that night I proceeded to walk home, contemplating about this newly revealed concept of what it meant to always have the Spirit with us. Just as I was entering the driveway the experience of the lifetime happened. I began feeling the intense burning of the Spirit, the fire, but this time it began at the crown of the head and descended down. As it descended it filled that part of the body with the glorious burning of the Spirit. It continued down through the body, down through the legs, and on down to the bottom of the feet. It was uniquely different because it descended rather than just appearing. Then the Lord spoke and said "well done; now endure to the end and you shall have Eternal Life". At first I wasn't sure what had happened. But as was typical with the Spirit the answer was revealed: I had received the Baptism of Fire. I wondered where there might be scriptures that speak of it and I was taken to 2 Nephi 31 and 32. Later when others were wanting to dispute my experience (though it never happened to them) I was pointed to the Savior's baptism and sure enough, that was the official reception of the Holy Ghost. It was about 35 years after being confirmed a member of the church and given the Gift of the Holy Ghost before the gift was finally received. 

 

Brothers and sisters, the Baptism of Fire is what we all are supposed to be striving for as the next step after baptism. I have shared with you what it took for me to get it. What it will take for you may be different but there is one thing that must take place and that is the sincere desire to follow the Spirit wherever you are led. It requires changing the heart so that the Spirit is never offended. The Holy Ghost cannot dwell in an unclean temple and our temple (body) is unclean whenever the desires of the heart are an offense to the Spirit. One has not found the straight gate and entered on to the narrow path until they have received the Baptism of Fire (see 2 Nephi 31:17-18). Jesus said that among the members there will be few that find the straight gate (D&C 132:22). Don't be one of them! Make the sacrifices and pay the price so that you, too, can experience the blissful joy that the gospel has to offer. You will truly know Jesus once you do and it is well worth the effort!

 

I testify that I know Heavenly Father knows us and loves us. I have experienced His tender care time and again. He has answered my prayers and I know with a certainty that He will be there for me in all trials and circumstances, just as does for all that come to Him. Jesus Christ is my redeemer and I stand in awe, love, and admiration for all that He has done for me. Has has been there for me to lean on in the darkest hours and through the toughest trials yet I still know that He had trials that cause mine to pale in comparison. The love He extends melts my soul. I feel so special when I come before Jesus or Father because they give undivided attention which makes me feel like I am the only thing in the universe that matters to them. And I so testify that I am not unique or special because they treat you the exact same way when you come before Them. I truly love my Heavenly Father!!! And I am so eternally grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus willingly made for me. The best way I know to show my love and gratitude for Him is just as He suggested: "if ye love me keep My commandments".

Edited March 23, 2016 by Sadliers

[Vort]

Very inspiring, Sadliers.

[Sunday21]

Powerful!

[Guest]

Welcome to the forum.

[estradling75]

Thank you for that post

[mormonminded]

Thank you Sadliers.   

 

 

Edited May 18, 2016 by mormonminded

[Sadliers]

On March 23, 2016 at 9:29 AM, mormonminded said:

Thank you Sadliers.  I've printed this and will myself try out the idea of a Spiritual Boot Camp.  I desperately want to stay active, but depression coupled with the after-effects of disfellowship just seem like too high a hurdle.  I hope I can someday write a post with the feelings that you've described.   Anger is clearly an issue I suffer from, as well as fear of what others think of me.  Being a member with a testimony is a very hard thing when the church preaches perfection yet depression tells you otherwise.  I'm very happy to hear that you've found a good place and I wish you continued peace and happiness.  Know that your post has helped a soul in need.  

 

 

The Spirit will give you the tidbits of wisdom to help you pull through. Lean on Jesus! He offered and He has the strength so take Him up on the offer. Toss your burdens on His shoulders, especially the heaviest ones, while you take His yoke upon you (boot camp). Just remember that when you offer your burdens to Him you must let Him have them - no snatching them back and no more worrying about them. He will know how to handle them and if someone needs punished He'll know just the right way to do it - trust Him!

 

One thing that overcoming pride does is causes one to be less concerned of what others think of them. The pride is probably rooted in wanting to feel better about ourself and if we feel we are better than others then it causes us to feel good. Just the same if we feel that we are beneath others then it is still pride because there is still a perception that one is better than the other.

The opposite of pride is meekness. The pride is replaced with pleasing Heavenly Father. He is the one that offers the greatest peace and happiness, not people, so He becomes the one we strive to please. As we please Him (which is witnessed by His Spirit being with us) a shift takes place in which we care less about pleasing others. As we feel His love we gain a desire to help others experience it. Those factors result in a perspective that we are all on this earth together to help each other come back to Father. With such a perspective there's no viewing one as better than another because Father beats us all by far - therefore who is to brag or boast that they are somehow superior? It's like kindergarteners trying to compete for who is best but when the adult comes in they know there is someone that outdoes them and suddenly which of them is best becomes irrelevant since none measures up to the adult.

 

There was one other crucial thing that helped me in the process and that was to view life situations as part of the test. When the choice was placed before me regarding choosing God or Satan I would make a conscious effort to choose God and state "I choose the Spirit". When a trigger would be hit that I would usually get angry over I would first stop and look at the choice: I could have the Spirit or I could have anger, but not both.

 

"No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." (Luke 16:13)

 

Satan is the god of anger. God is the god of love and patience. If I choose to be angry then I have chosen to serve Satan. I can't have both - it will be either to choose anger or to choose the Spirit, take my pick. I would consciously choose the Spirit which meant that I had to do everything within my power to override those normal reactions. And the same applied to when someone would wrong me: I would see it as a choice to choose the Spirit or to choose revenge or justice, but I couldn't have both. So I would do everything within my power to choose the Spirit. Sometimes it was downright difficult! When I was in destitute conditions and homeless an ex brother-in-law decided to steal some of my belongings ($1k+ worth) then, using dishonest means and fraud, racked up a power bill for $800 which I would be on the hook for. Stealing from a homeless person and socking them with a bill so that they could live in comforts that I was deprived of?!? That one was a real struggle to keep to choosing the Spirit over anger and vengeance. But that's the depth at which we will be tested as we pass the smaller tests. It's all worth it, though. Knowing that Jesus already passed similar yet harder tests helped give encouragement.

 

This much I can testify with the utmost assuredness: when one has the Spirit in great measure (even to the point of having the unspeakable joy) then it does not matter how destitute they are and it does not matter how low life has slammed them, they are happy and feel that nothing is lacking in their life! It doesn't matter if they don't know where the next meal comes from or when the next dollar can be earned, they feel like nothing is lacking at all and, ironically, even feel rich. 

Edited March 24, 2016 by Sadliers

[Blackmarch]

welcome and thank you for sharing!