Trying to save my Marriage

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

The issue becomes more complicated when in cases where an offender continues to do the sin, doesn't repent of the problem, doesn't acknowledge that it's an issue, habitually lies about it, doesn't seek treatment, or if in treatment totally ignores the directions given.  

That's the thing... it really does become an all-consuming thing for some men.  I cannot imagine how horrible it would be if my wife were staying up until three in the morning, lusting after other men in front of a computer screen, for years on end, with absolutely no desire to repent or change. It really does get to that point with some people.  What kind of a marriage would that be?  What kind of a life?  I don't know if such a problem would be easier or harder to live with than a wife who was engaging in some kind of long-term affair (or how comparable the two are), but I can tell you this - being in a marriage with a spouse with an all-consuming pornography problem would not be easy.

On the other hand, pornography use really is a spectrum.  I ran into mild pornography twice last week on the yahoo news feed, and I can barely ever go to the fox news website anymore because I always run into something or other that is mildly pornographic there (and I thought they were supposed to be conservative there).  What if, in a moment of weakness, I had not instantly turned away from my little encounter? (don't worry, I did turn away instantly)  What if I had looked for 30 seconds?  Is that really a far-fetched scenario?  I would hope my wife would realize in such a case that I made a mistake and not treat it like I had gone out and found a mistress or something.  Which is why I think a case can be made for being constructive with someone who has made a mistake with pornography but is trying to repent, like OP did.

Edited March 12, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Latter-Day Marriage]

3 hours ago, JohnsonJones said:

When I deal with someone with a pornography problem, it is on the scale (to me) akin to someone who has an alcohol or word of wisdom problem, or does not pay their tithing, or another such thing.  This does not mean that I think it is insignificant, but when things start getting tossed around, especially like what the OP presented...that indicates that something is seriously wrong (and from the sounds of what has happened, it really sounds as if the spouse has some serious problems, either morally or emotionally which they really need to see a counselor soon for their own health).

Thing is you don't get to decide how somebody else should feel about a spouse using porn (or anything else).  They feel the hurt they feel and it has to be dealt with on that basis.  Many wives feel as hurt (or close to it) as if there was an affair.  The fact that God doesn't seem them as equally immoral doesn't mean that to her there is a difference in how deeply it hurts her, and telling her she is wrong to feel what she feels isn't going to get anybody anywhere.  The husband needs to do his part to heal the relationship, not by trying to talk her into feeling less hurt, but by repenting sufficiently to her to satisfy her that he has changed and is again worthy of her trust and love.  There are couples where there was real adultery happening that were able to work through it and reach a point of having a better marriage than they had before the affair.

[JohnsonJones]

I agree, it does become more complicated.

What do you do when your spouse continually reads smutty romance novels and watches chick flicks which promote extramarital relations...and feels no shame at all about it...

Or watches things like Once Upon a Time and thinks it's fine viewing for their children....

The big problem many have is that they'll more than readily pick at the mote in their spouses eye, but overlook the beam within their own.  At the same time they'll try to magnify that mote to be the size of a beam, even though it isn't, whilst ignoring the beam that is in their own.

People tend to give a pass on their own activities but be more than willing to accuse others of something similar.

When one deals with wives who have had husbands that are alcoholics and beat them, or husbands that beat and then abuse their children, or threaten to kill their wives and then proceed to try to pull it off, or husbands that have fallen away (and an occasional wife) and then try to convince their spouse that they should fall away to and do everything in their power to convince them to leave he church, or husbands that actually have committed adultery...

It kind of puts things into a bigger picture of what are good reasons that one might seek a divorce, and what are really minor problems in comparison. 

The husband (or wife) complaining about their spouse involved with pornography has never had to worry that they might be killed in their sleep, might be beaten within an inch of their life, that they may have children that are badly hurt because of a spouse's abuse.  They never had to worry that their wife (or husband) was actually in love with another person, or truly betrayed their trust to only have relations with them by actually involving a real live person who may have feelings back towards your spouse.

Divorcing over a bunch of movies and pictures on the internet, or a smutty romance novel suddenly doesn't seem as major a reason comparatively.

We all sin in this life, and we all have things that we do.  Too often we get so involved in pointing out the sins of our spouse that we ignore our own sins.  Even more importantly, many times when our spouse needs our help far more than we may realize and their actions are basically pleas for that help, we instead tend to put blame on them and refuse to give them the help from the person that should be the one most willing to be there for them.

In the worst case, if they refuse to stop, it could be an addiction.  If it is an addiction, sometimes it is something that they have a very hard time stopping, even if they want to.  It is similar to any other addiction such as smoking or alcohol.  We are all different, and there are some that can stop cold turkey.  There are others that WANT to stop smoking, drinking, drugs, or whatever, but no matter how hard they try, they cannot.  Many times it takes a while for them to admit they want to stop, and before that they may claim they love to smoke and drink (or watch pornography), and multiple other excuses.  However, in many of these instances, they are merely trying to cover up their own shame they feel at not being able to stop.

Addiction (especially drug addiction for prescription drugs it seems, I'm not sure why) is something that many LDS couples in wards are struggling to overcome these days.  There is a HUGE amount of pain on both sides (both spouses suffer, even the one that isn't addicted), and I can only feel sympathy and sorrow for those (both of them) who have to deal with this type of struggle.

However, simply choosing to divorce in these situations would not be my first suggestion.  There are many spouses that cannot be strong enough to deal with a spouse with addiction (and we need to show empathy for that spouse as well), because it takes a strong spouse to deal with it, especially if the other cannot kick that addiction.  They may choose to divorce.  I can only offer the what the scriptures say, but in the end, we still need to show love and support for both of them.  Others are strong and stick with their spouse.  The best I can do in these situations after they've made their final choices is to not be judgmental and instead offer support and aid to both of the spouses who undoubtedly in a lot of suffering and pain over it.

However, even if we allow it, I don't condone divorce, personally speaking, for any reason other than adultery (and I mean real adultery) or criminal actions (which would cover things such as abuse and other rather terrible activities).

Edited March 12, 2017 by JohnsonJones
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