Trying to save my Marriage

[anatess2]

33 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

To be fair, it is OK if your initial thought, upon finding out about a porn addiction, is that the guy is a loser moron who you can never look at again.  Porn addiction is extremely painful for the spouse, and there is bound to be a lot of emotion initially.  I get that. 

What isn't OK is then, while the guy is making great strides towards repentance, reminding him that you think he is a loser moron every day for six weeks and counting.  That's just abusive.

I would have a very different opinion if the guy was not trying to repent, but from what we have heard, he has been trying very hard to set things straight.  You just don't kick people when they are down.

Well okay... if that's the initial reaction, then that's fine.  We are human, after all.  But to think that's a GOOD reaction... no.  It's a bad reaction.  It needs to be changed after that initial shock wears off.

I don't need my husband to be making strides towards repentance for me to try to help him overcome his weakness.  As a matter of fact, it is when he is SO LOST that he needs me the most - even if he doesn't realize it himself.  I need to spend as much energy as I can muster to try to bring him to a point where he starts the process to repentance.  I love my husband - yes, it would pain me for him to disrespect me through porn.  But it would pain me a whole lot more to see him get so far from Christ.  My marital covenant to God is to bring him with me closer to Christ - in sickness, health, richer, poorer, sin, and righteousness forever and ever and ever and ever and ever - even if he doesn't like me anymore.

So, look at this video - my husband is the 20 bucks.  It doesn't matter what he does and where he's been and where he's headed at the moment.  He is still worth 20 bucks and it is the worth of that 20 bucks that I choose to love.

 

Edited September 9, 2016 by anatess2

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Well okay... if that's the initial reaction, then that's fine.  We are human, after all.  But to think that's a GOOD reaction... no.  It's a bad reaction.  It needs to be changed after that initial shock wears off.

I don't need my husband to be making strides towards repentance for me to try to help him overcome his weakness.  As a matter of fact, it is when he is SO LOST that he needs me the most - even if he doesn't realize it himself.  I need to spend as much energy as I can muster to try to bring him to a point where he starts the process to repentance.  I love my husband - yes, it would pain me for him to disrespect me through porn.  But it would pain me a whole lot more to see him get so far from Christ.  My marital covenant to God is to bring him with me closer to Christ - in sickness, health, richer, poorer, sin, and righteousness forever and ever and ever and ever and ever - even if he doesn't like me anymore.

 

That is a beautiful way of looking at things.  Your husband is a lucky man!

[anatess2]

8 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

That is a beautiful way of looking at things.  Your husband is a lucky man!

I'm the lucky one.  He feels the same way about me and I'm the problem child.

[Mcmkk]

Her feelings don't seem like they'll change. I don't want to be in a marriage with someone that hates me. I also don't want a divorce. What I really want is to be happily married again. It's discouraging seeing no progress in nearly 2 months. I'm trying to help around the house and take our daughter so she can relax and rest and I'm bringing her flowers 3 times a week and leaving her notes around the house. I won't ever give up because I love her so much. I feel like she has given Up on me. Tonight she said that all she "can see in me is a man locked in a room looking at porn. A loser" she also told me that she didn't have to try as hard as me to fix this. Which I partially agree with. I just don't feel like she is even trying at all. I feel like it's just an easy out to divorce me and try another marriage out. I just know what this has done to my marriage and I will NEVER do this again. I feel awful and disgusting. I worry if she leaves that she would find a man and he would mess up and she would hate herself for leaving me because I really am repenting and forsaking the sin. How do I deal with this? How do I fix this? How do I change those feelings? I haven't slipped up at all. I just want to get back to the temple. I just want an eternal family. I came forward because I knew if I didn't that I wouldn't be sealed to my wife and daughter. I am confused at God that this is happening when I did the right thing and came forward. I could have hid it for 20 years and kept my family but I chose to stop now and now I may lose them. I served a faithful mission. I provide very well. I have a burning testimony inside me. I love my wife. I am a good father. I made a series of huge mistakes though that may cost me my marriage. I just pray it doesn't. Any of you that read this please pray for me and my family. 

[Sunday21]

On September 14, 2016 at 2:22 AM, Mcmkk said:

Her feelings don't seem like they'll change. I don't want to be in a marriage with someone that hates me. I also don't want a divorce. What I really want is to be happily married again. It's discouraging seeing no progress in nearly 2 months. I'm trying to help around the house and take our daughter so she can relax and rest and I'm bringing her flowers 3 times a week and leaving her notes around the house. I won't ever give up because I love her so much. I feel like she has given Up on me. Tonight she said that all she "can see in me is a man locked in a room looking at porn. A loser" she also told me that she didn't have to try as hard as me to fix this. Which I partially agree with. I just don't feel like she is even trying at all. I feel like it's just an easy out to divorce me and try another marriage out. I just know what this has done to my marriage and I will NEVER do this again. I feel awful and disgusting. I worry if she leaves that she would find a man and he would mess up and she would hate herself for leaving me because I really am repenting and forsaking the sin. How do I deal with this? How do I fix this? How do I change those feelings? I haven't slipped up at all. I just want to get back to the temple. I just want an eternal family. I came forward because I knew if I didn't that I wouldn't be sealed to my wife and daughter. I am confused at God that this is happening when I did the right thing and came forward. I could have hid it for 20 years and kept my family but I chose to stop now and now I may lose them. I served a faithful mission. I provide very well. I have a burning testimony inside me. I love my wife. I am a good father. I made a series of huge mistakes though that may cost me my marriage. I just pray it doesn't. Any of you that read this please pray for me and my family. 

Two months is not that long. Be patient. Women are not like men with respect to marital relations. In general women do not put different parts of their lives into different boxes. What you did has a big ick factor. It is not surprising if it turns her stomach. I once dated, 2 dates, a man who confessed that he used to frequent prositutes, prebaptism. Ugh. No way. 2 months and she is still feeling ugh? Quite normal. 

Edited September 15, 2016 by Sunday21

[Latter-Day Marriage]

1 hour ago, Sunday21 said:

Two months is not that long. Be patient. Women are not like men with respect to marital relations. In general women do not put different parts of their lives into different boxes. What you did has a big ick factor. It is not surprising if it turns her stomach. I once dated, 2 dates, a man who confessed that he used to frequent prositutes, per baptism. Ugh. No way. 2 months and the she is still feeling ugh? Quite normal. 

But don't give up trying, don't stop praying for her, don't stop talking with your Bishop and following the other suggestions here.  Hearts can and do change, sometimes slowly, but they do change.  Look at her actions, she is still there, she has not called a divorce lawyer.  For her a lot of the work she has to do is inside herself where you won't see it much.  How she feels now is not locked in stone.

[zil]

Ditto what @Sunday21 said.  It seems like a lot longer than it's been, because it's very difficult for you.  Pray for strength to endure.

6 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

I feel awful and disgusting.

Continue the repentance process.  There should come a point where you don't feel this, regardless of what she feels.  There should come a time when your concern and love for her can exist without pain regarding what you have done and regardless her feelings about it.

6 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

How do I deal with this? How do I fix this? How do I change those feelings?

You don't.  Jesus Christ does.  Do everything in your power to let him into your heart and invite him into your home.  Remove from your home anything which would keep him away.  Add to your home anything which will invite him in.

6 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

I just want to get back to the temple.

I recommend you get dressed as if you were going to the temple, drive there, and walk the grounds.  Pray for peace.  Pray for the right events and people to help your wife.  Pray for her heart to be softened.  Pray to know what the Lord would have you do - and do this with a willingness and readiness to do anything and everything, even if it seems contrary to what you think you should do.

6 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

I am confused at God that this is happening when I did the right thing and came forward. I could have hid it for 20 years and kept my family but I chose to stop now and now I may lose them.

This is man's thinking.  Your conclusion about what would have happened had you kept it secret may or may not be accurate.  I recommend working hard to let go of frustration, blame, complaints about the consequences you are now suffering, and anything remotely like them.  Open yourself up to feel and think and do what God wants, ask him to help you do this - you may have to pray constantly for weeks, months, years to get there, but you will get there.

I'm very sorry you are having to endure this trial.  You and your wife are in my prayers.

[zil]

15 minutes ago, zil said:

Pray for the right events and people to help your wife.  Pray for her heart to be softened. 

Hmm.  Pray for the efforts of her enemies to be hindered.  Pray for her to be able to recognize her enemies and not listen to their whisperings.

[NeedleinA]

@Mcmkk   Please start at the beginning of this thread and reread it again. All the answers have already been given. Are you set up to see the LDS Marriage Counselor yet?

You also need to think about this in terms of a year+ to fix, not a couple of weeks or months. Mentally shift your thinking to longer term.

Edited September 14, 2016 by NeedleinA

[omegaseamaster75]

15 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

Her feelings don't seem like they'll change. I don't want to be in a marriage with someone that hates me. I also don't want a divorce. What I really want is to be happily married again. It's discouraging seeing no progress in nearly 2 months.

Have you seen a MFT? If not it's time to crack the wallet and see one. If she won;t go you need to go alone. 2 months is not that long as others have pointed out

16 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

 I came forward because I knew if I didn't that I wouldn't be sealed to my wife and daughter.

I don't agree with this assessment at all. 

16 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

I am confused at God that this is happening when I did the right thing and came forward. I could have hid it for 20 years and kept my family but I chose to stop now and now I may lose them. I served a faithful mission. I provide very well. I have a burning testimony inside me. I love my wife. I am a good father. I made a series of huge mistakes though that may cost me my marriage. I just pray it doesn't. Any of you that read this please pray for me and my family. 

God does not keep score and neither should you.  Put your faith in the Lord and do the things necessary to save your marriage (see a MFT)

[yjacket]

22 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

. I am confused at God that this is happening when I did the right thing and came forward. 

Talk to the Bishop again-alone-explain to him what you are feeling.  He will help you out.

As far as the above.  Mcmkk . . you are young and I empathize with you. However I have learned in life-that it isn't fair, it isn't just-and that sometimes doing the right thing has very high negative consequences.  Sometimes it is much easier to take the unrighteous path.  But that is what integrity is about.  Doing the right thing no matter the consequences.

Always remember that, integrity is about who you are and who you know you need to be and taking actions to ensure that you are who you need to be, no matter the consequences.

Regardless of the consequences-you did the right thing. No matter what it seems like now, this is helping you perfect yourself and becoming more like Christ. The positive outcomes may not occur in this life, but they will occur. Having Faith in Christ and in the Gospel is how we know it will happen.

Edited September 15, 2016 by yjacket

[Sunday21]

Keep hanging in there. Think of what divorce will mean. At least a couple of years of major discruption. After divorce your finances will really take a beating. Unless you earn quite a bit of money you are going to be in quite strained circumstances for many years. How often will you see your child? What if she gets a great job offer and moves? Then you get a great job offer and you need to move in the opposiate direction? Or either of you is downsized? You then need to find a job and where will that be?

Imagine your ex remarrying. What if the new husband hates you? What if the new husband has some unfortunate traits? He resents your kid? He is a little sadistic. Teases and taunts your kid? Doesn't approve of modern medicine? Won't get your kid vaccinated? Your child lives in that house with new hubbie. Where are you? In the next state? What can you do to protect your kid from a creep who has a lot of access to your child? 

Remember the first time you were on the marriage market? Well now you will be on the market, older, with some major baggage. You will be tied financially to your child for a decade or so. You will have more limited options in the job market because you need to be geographically close to your child.

Think of every miserable post divorce story you have ever heard. If you don't know any we could open a new thread! I have a family member works like a dog, her husband spends the money, he refuses to speak to her and behaves like a child. If they divorced, hubby would be alone with the kid, a shy and vulnerable little girl. Hubble has a nasty sadistic side. When the little girl talks you can hear the echo of the things he has said to her. There is no way to protect the kid from her father. Murders get access to their children at least in my country.

i have a friend, former relief society pres, lovely person. Her ex convinced her daughter that little girl had been abused by the mother but just didn't remember. The ex doesn't believe in modern medicine, has left the church and is now a Wicca,witch, leaves with crazy girlfriend. My friend has not seen her daughter for years.

Dont say my wife is not like that. Divorced women do some unbelievably stupid things. I suspect that is one reason why the church won't let people date for awhile. You cannot serve in the temple within 5 years of a divorce. Good rule. A divorced woman can be pretty desperate. Many divorced women end up in poverty. To avoid this fate women marry some real creeps and close their eyes to their behaviour. Pickings are slim. You're ex could marry a real horror show and your kid is stuck living with a monster.

You are at a crossroad. Your life could get so much worse! 

Hang in there buddy!!! You can do it! Grit your teeth. Maybe this is G-d's plan to humble you. Who knows?

Edited September 15, 2016 by Sunday21

[Mcmkk]

Just an update. Things have been going better the last few days. There are huge ups and and huge downs. I got my temple recommend back today and we will be going back this week as a couple. Can the trust in our marriage ever be completely restored? She says she will never trust me like she did before. Even when we're very old.  I find that hard to believe given she has only known about this issue for 2 months and it's still very fresh. I also worry because now she says she doesn't want anymore kids because of this and I do. Will these issues slowly melt away with time and trust slowly built up? We saw an MFT and he was nuts. He basically tried to hypnotize my wife for an hour.  The ironic/good thing is that we left there laughing because it was such a weird experience. I want a happy marriage an I want us to completely heal. Thank you for all being a great support system. I have no one else besides my bishop right now.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

5 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

Just an update. Things have been going better the last few days. There are huge ups and and huge downs. I got my temple recommend back today and we will be going back this week as a couple. Can the trust in our marriage ever be completely restored? She says she will never trust me like she did before. Even when we're very old.  I find that hard to believe given she has only known about this issue for 2 months and it's still very fresh. I also worry because now she says she doesn't want anymore kids because of this and I do. Will these issues slowly melt away with time and trust slowly built up? We saw an MFT and he was nuts. He basically tried to hypnotize my wife for an hour.  The ironic/good thing is that we left there laughing because it was such a weird experience. I want a happy marriage an I want us to completely heal. Thank you for all being a great support system. I have no one else besides my bishop right now.

People sometimes say things when they are hurt and angry that they later don't mean and regret.  Your wife does not really know how she will feel about all of this years from now, she's just speaking from a place of hurt and anger.  

Not all therapists are of the same caliber.  See someone else.

Sorry I came to the thread late, so I haven't read all the responses (I did read some).  Someone (like a decent therapist) needs to explain to your wife that pornography is a huge problem in our society today, and even if she divorced you she is unlikely to find a man who has NOT struggled with it.  This is the day we live in,  Divorce brings on all sort of new problems that are worse than what you are dealing with now.  

Hold on, keep doing all those kind things for her that you talked about in another post.  I know this feels like it's taking forever, but it hasn't been that long...not even 6 months, right?  For me the last 6 years were pretty hellish (for different reasons, my husband was a rock who stood by me).  Marriage is for the long-haul.  These bad times will pass, and better days will come.  Until then be as forgiving to her hurtful behavior as you are asking her to be to yours.

Now a story to give you hope...I have a friend whose children are grown.  She found out that her husband had been looking at porn their entire married life!  It had led to some other serious issues that i won't get into.  That's addiction.  Add to that he was emotionally abusive,  She had had enough,  She left him.  Neither of them were (or are) active in the church so stayed with friends, sowed wild oats etc.   But then she had some serious health issues and ended up in the ICU.  Afterwards she ended up living with her husband again because they hadn't officially divorced and she didn't have any where else to go.

At first they lived like roommates.  They talked to one another about their interests in other people,  Gradually they became friends again...and you guessed it--they fell in love again.  She says their relationship has never been this good.  They are head over heels in love.  It is really something to see.  

So yes, I believe your marriage can be saved.  Be patient, don't expect it to happen overnight.  When she says angry and hurtful things to you, remember that it is coming from a place of deep pain.  She wouldn't be so angry if she didn't love you.  

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

On September 13, 2016 at 11:22 PM, Mcmkk said:

I am confused at God that this is happening when I did the right thing and came forward. 

God doesn't rescue us from our mistakes.  I have learned this from my own experiences.  He will be with you each step of the way as you go through this, but He won't save us from the consequences of our actions.  God loves us and doesn't want us to suffer, that's why He gives us commandments.  It's like a parent who tells a child not to touch a hot stove.  It isn't to see if the child will obey or not, it's to protect the child from pain.  If they child chooses to disobey, then they are going to burn their hand, and the parent cannot now take that pain away.

Heavenly Father has given us commandments that if followed will spare us a lot of pain in this life.  When we choose to disobey Him, He lets us experience the consequences.  He will walk beside you, help you, and because of the Atonement, Christ has the power to truly understand the pain you are feeling and help you turn this experience into something good.  But no, He won't rescue your from the consequences of your own actions.  

Trust Him.  He can help you get through this and be stronger, but you have to walk the path.  

[Sunday21]

15 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

God doesn't rescue us from our mistakes.  I have learned this from my own experiences.  He will be with you each step of the way as you go through this, but He won't save us from the consequences of our actions.  God loves us and doesn't want us to suffer, that's why He gives us commandments.  It's like a parent who tells a child not to touch a hot stove.  It isn't to see if the child will obey or not, it's to protect the child from pain.  If they child chooses to disobey, then they are going to burn their hand, and the parent cannot now take that pain away.

Heavenly Father has given us commandments that if followed will spare us a lot of pain in this life.  When we choose to disobey Him, He lets us experience the consequences.  He will walk beside you, help you, and because of the Atonement, Christ has the power to truly understand the pain you are feeling and help you turn this experience into something good.  But no, He won't rescue your from the consequences of your own actions.  

Trust Him.  He can help you get through this and be stronger, but you have to walk the path.  

Boy is this true! We had a class in which we discussed repentance. Many were surprised that if they repented, G-d did not take the problem away. He doesn't. Sadly we need to live with, with G-d's help, the consequences of our behaviour. For example, if you break the law, you go to jail. We all face this. But there will be 'the morning after'. There will be an end to this, just not yet. Hang in there!

Edited September 20, 2016 by Sunday21

[Latter-Day Marriage]

11 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

Just an update. Things have been going better the last few days. There are huge ups and and huge downs. I got my temple recommend back today and we will be going back this week as a couple. Can the trust in our marriage ever be completely restored? She says she will never trust me like she did before. Even when we're very old.  I find that hard to believe given she has only known about this issue for 2 months and it's still very fresh. I also worry because now she says she doesn't want anymore kids because of this and I do. Will these issues slowly melt away with time and trust slowly built up? We saw an MFT and he was nuts. He basically tried to hypnotize my wife for an hour.  The ironic/good thing is that we left there laughing because it was such a weird experience. I want a happy marriage an I want us to completely heal. Thank you for all being a great support system. I have no one else besides my bishop right now.

I hope you can find a good MFT, you do have to shop around though. 

Don't get discouraged about what she is saying now.  That is just how she feels now and as long as you keep apologizing, keep following the steps of repentance and keep winning her trust back and keep praying for her, she will learn to forgive and her heart will soften.  You two could come out of this with a better marriage than what you had before.  The fact that you have your temple recommend back and are going there together is a reason to hope for more progress. 

Are you both still meeting with the Bishop?  Both of you still need his help, your for repenting, she for forgiving.

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

Just an update. Things have been going better the last few days. There are huge ups and and huge downs. I got my temple recommend back today and we will be going back this week as a couple. Can the trust in our marriage ever be completely restored? She says she will never trust me like she did before. Even when we're very old.  I find that hard to believe given she has only known about this issue for 2 months and it's still very fresh. I also worry because now she says she doesn't want anymore kids because of this and I do. Will these issues slowly melt away with time and trust slowly built up? We saw an MFT and he was nuts. He basically tried to hypnotize my wife for an hour.  The ironic/good thing is that we left there laughing because it was such a weird experience. I want a happy marriage an I want us to completely heal. Thank you for all being a great support system. I have no one else besides my bishop right now.

If you got your temple recommend back today, it sounds like your wife is well on her way to forgiving you, even if she occasionally makes comments to the contrary.  At this point, just keep going and being a great husband... it sounds like you are going to be ok.  Also, expect your wife to make some strange comments from time to time as she heals from the emotional trauma... I don't think she means those things, she is just in the process of healing.  Give her some slack!

As for trust never being completely restored, is that necessarily a bad thing?  After a problem with pornography, maybe to make sure it doesn't happen again since your soul is on the line, a spouse should keep a closer eye on computer use?  I don't know, I am just thinking out loud and I may be way off, but maybe a little less trust is OK.

Anyhow, I think you and your wife will be fine if you hang in there.

Edited September 19, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[Mcmkk]

Parakeet and latter day marriage and Sunday and doctor lemon thank you so much for your support. These last few posts have helped me a lot. Yes I am still meeting regularly with bishop as is my wife. We will continue to shop around. My wife is struggling that I am getting my recommend back but can admit that it shouldn't be on her timeline. Things are still up and down. Tonight she is very distant and says we need some time apart. (Like wants to go stay with her family for a week or two). I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't think she will go unless I agree. Should I let her have some space? I el like that may hurt us but I'm not sure. Maybe it will help. The last few days have given me a lot of hope though and I think/hope that eventually the good day's will out number the bad ones. I love her with all my heart and I'm trying to make her fall in love with me again and doing my best to be humble and patient. I take all your advice very seriously. I'm not just complaining and looking for people to tell me I am right and she is wrong. I sincerely need help and have no one else to turn to. You have been an answer to my prayers. I was led to this forum by the spirit. 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

Parakeet and latter day marriage and Sunday and doctor lemon thank you so much for your support. These last few posts have helped me a lot. Yes I am still meeting regularly with bishop as is my wife. We will continue to shop around. My wife is struggling that I am getting my recommend back but can admit that it shouldn't be on her timeline. Things are still up and down. Tonight she is very distant and says we need some time apart. (Like wants to go stay with her family for a week or two). I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't think she will go unless I agree. Should I let her have some space? I el like that may hurt us but I'm not sure. Maybe it will help. The last few days have given me a lot of hope though and I think/hope that eventually the good day's will out number the bad ones. I love her with all my heart and I'm trying to make her fall in love with me again and doing my best to be humble and patient. I take all your advice very seriously. I'm not just complaining and looking for people to tell me I am right and she is wrong. I sincerely need help and have no one else to turn to. You have been an answer to my prayers. I was led to this forum by the spirit. 

I am not sure she is "out of love" with you so much as just really upset.  I have been very hurt and upset with someone in the past (over a different issue), and the anger and hurt just kind of comes and goes... that is probably why your wife seems good one moment and distant the next.  It's all part of the healing process.  The pattern seems to be that things are getting better, and that is what is important.

As far as your wife staying with her family, I would like to start by saying I really am not familiar with the facts and therefore not qualified to provide advice on this other than gut feelings, and you should definitely pray and/or talk with your bishop about this issue.  However, I think a lot of good may come if she just went and stayed with her family for a week or two.  The time away could help her gain some perspective.  Also, I don't know how her parents feel about you or the marriage, but perhaps they could help her gain some perspective as well?  If they are members of the Church with any sense at all and if they don't totally hate you they will probably remind your wife that you have more or less completed the repentance process and that your marriage is well worth saving.  If she wants to go, you can't righteously stop her from going, and attempting to prevent her from staying with her parents for a week or two may do a lot more harm than good... you are going to have to be very emotionally sensitive here, because she could want to go stay with her parents much more than she is letting on.  I also would think that, if she were to go stay with her parents for a week or two and then decides to leave you, she probably would have decided the same thing had she not gone.  So anyhow those are my thoughts.  Perhaps someone else on the forum can add more (or let me know if I am totally off base here and giving bad advice?)

Edited September 20, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

About your wife going to stay with her parents for a week or two, it's hard to say.  I can see that either really helping, or making things worse.  So I think it is definitely something to pray about, but at the same time, I think DocLemon made a good point here:

5 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

If she wants to go, you can't righteously stop her from going, and attempting to prevent her from staying with her parents for a week or two may do a lot more harm than good... you are going to have to be very emotionally sensitive here, because she could want to go stay with her parents much more than she is letting on. 

So my advice is pray about it, and then tell you wife how you feel.  Depending on the answer to your prayer, you might say, "I think you are right that a little time away could be helpful.  I'll miss you so much while you are gone, but I understand your need to have a break."  OR "I don't really feel good about it, but I'll support you whatever you decide."   

Keep working and praying.  I think you're doing great. I'll add a prayer for you and your wife too.  I don't know your real names, but I know Heavenly Father does.  .

[ldsister]

I hope you guys can work it out, but please realize that the depth of her humiliation, pain, betrayal, and revulsion is probably incomprehensible to you. You will probably never fully understand what you put her through, and it will take time for her to feel safe with you again, if she ever does. And you need to accept that some wounds become bearable not because they heal but because they scar over. That may be something you have to live with for the rest of your life. Be patient, keep trying, and accept her decision, whatever it is. 

Edited September 20, 2016 by ldsister

[omegaseamaster75]

1 hour ago, ldsister said:

I hope you guys can work it out, but please realize that the depth of her humiliation, pain, betrayal, and revulsion is probably incomprehensible to you. You will probably never fully understand what you put her through, and it will take time for her to feel safe with you again, if she ever does. And you need to accept that some wounds become bearable not because they heal but because they scar over. That may be something you have to live with for the rest of your life. Be patient, keep trying, and accept her decision, whatever it is. 

This is why you take that stuff to the grave unless it is a real problem. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

18 hours ago, Mcmkk said:

Tonight she is very distant and says we need some time apart. (Like wants to go stay with her family for a week or two). I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't think she will go unless I agree. Should I let her have some space? I el like that may hurt us but I'm not sure. Maybe it will help.

In some cases parents when parents know the details of a marriage problem get way too involved, take sides, and with the motive of protecting their child they can be a destructive force against the marriage.  In other cases they can be very helpful.  You know them better whan we do so we can't really say what would be best.   You both need to give this some serious thought and prayer.

If she does decide to go, it would be good to agree together on a definite time limit to this (preferably a short time), and even though you are apart you keep some form of daily contact.  Also agree on what level of detail you are going to be giving them. IMHO they have no right to know anything more than the two of you are working out some differences, more than that is optional.  They can be supportive without getting dragged into the details, and if one takes one side and the other another side it can create conflict in their marriage too.  I lean towards being against it since being apart leaves both of you more vulnerable to temptations and the distance will slow your progress towards reconciliation.  If she needs to ask her Mom if her Dad ever did anything to really hurt her feelings, and how did she get over it, that can happen on the phone.

[NightSG]

59 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

This is why you take that stuff to the grave unless it is a real problem. 

Yeah; that would be why the Scriptures promote deep, dark secrets over honesty.  

He'd be unable to confess to his bishop too, or hope to get away with "gee honey, I just can't find my TR so I'll have to pass on this trip" for however long it takes to get it back.