Frustrated High Schoolers

[scdoyle]

Like most parents, we expect our kids to do all the right things. Do well in school, go to seminary, go to mutual, go to church every Sunday, etc. My two oldest (freshman and junior in HS) sometimes struggle with these things and frankly I would too if it was me. The expectations we sometimes put on our kids can be too much. While Sunday church is not a problem and they do well in school, seminary and mutual attendance can be an issue. How can we expect a highschooler to get up at 5:00am for seminary, go to school all day, come home and have 3-4 hours of homework, go to mutual, come home and work on more homework? Often they are up until midnight finishing homework and we expect them get up at 5:00am for seminary. No wonder they complain. I would too. So, to you who have high school aged kids, how do you balance all this? I want my kids to be successful and responsible, but sometimes this all seems too much. 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I agree. It's a lot. I am of the opinion that teens are learning to be adults so they need a lot of freedm to make mistakes and yet still some structure and guidance.

So my daughter is 18, finishing her AA through Running Start, working part time, and going to early morning Seminary. (She also goes to the Young Single Adult Ward, so no mutual.)

This week is particularly hectic for her, working late and preparing for a play (for a class) in which she has a lead role. She told me about her stress and that she is going to skip Seminary this week, and make it up with home assignments so she can still graduate Seminary. 

Knowing my daughter as I do, I recognized that she was telling me her plan to make sure I approved and to solicit advice. I asked if she was sure she could make up the work for Seminary and advised her to let her Seminary teachers know what was going on, then told her to go ahead with her plan.

Years ago my son was in a similar situation. ..doing college classes in lieu of high school, on a ballroom dance team, attending Seminary and mutual and he decided he wanted to be in a high school play. I thought that was going going to be TOO much. I told him so, but also told him it was his choice to make. He opted to do the play. It was tough, but he survived  (barely). I think if he had it to do over again he would choose differently, but it was a learning experience.

So bottom line, give them freedom to make choices and mistakes. Better they make mistakes while they're kids than as adults. Isn't that what Heavenly Father does for us? He gives us commandments, but never forces us.  Also give them give them support, and advice when requested but let them make their own choices.

Edited March 1, 2017 by LiterateParakeet

[NeedleinA]

2 hours ago, scdoyle said:

Like most parents, we expect our kids to do all the right things. Do well in school, go to seminary, go to mutual, go to church every Sunday, etc. My two oldest (freshman and junior in HS) sometimes struggle with these things and frankly I would too if it was me. The expectations we sometimes put on our kids can be too much. While Sunday church is not a problem and they do well in school, seminary and mutual attendance can be an issue. How can we expect a highschooler to get up at 5:00am for seminary, go to school all day, come home and have 3-4 hours of homework, go to mutual, come home and work on more homework? Often they are up until midnight finishing homework and we expect them get up at 5:00am for seminary. No wonder they complain. I would too. So, to you who have high school aged kids, how do you balance all this? I want my kids to be successful and responsible, but sometimes this all seems too much. 

I'm in your same boat, sort of. My school student does everything you described plus Track & Field and the occasional Student Govt. thing.
He is trucking right along and excelling at it. I drive him to seminary each morning, mutual and YM's basketball for the past couple of Saturdays.

Some kids can maintain this pace, others can't, no different then adults. I put myself and my wife in the category of workhorses. As such, our kids are conditioned the same way now, so this pace is pretty much how we live, it is normal and not a nightmare we squeak by with.

So... how do we survive, rather how does he survive? For us:

1. Something has to give: In our case, Sunday church and seminary* are not options. Goofing around Mutual activities, no purpose, often are not attended. Eagle Scout has been placed on the back burner.
2. Time Off: When he requests alone time, time with his friends, we drive him places... we give it to him. Meaning he "works hard, so he plays hard".
3. Homework at School: Think of incorporating a "study hall" period into their day so they can get some home work done at school.
4. Seminary: we usually miss one day a week, this is his sleep in day and catch up day, mine too. We don't want him to hate getting up, this is a simple compromise.
5. Financial Rewards: He is paid for good grades. He is paid for excelling at other odd activities too. We pay very little for manual labor (you want to eat, lets work) and a lot for using his brain. So to him there is an instant reward system in play that he enjoys.

Other than that, kids are resilient and will rise to the occasion. Considering all other events, trials and circumstances that other youth around the world face on a daily basis, his life is a piece of cake. He understands this and is grateful for it.

 

Edited March 1, 2017 by NeedleinA

[anatess2]

1 hour ago, scdoyle said:

Like most parents, we expect our kids to do all the right things. Do well in school, go to seminary, go to mutual, go to church every Sunday, etc. My two oldest (freshman and junior in HS) sometimes struggle with these things and frankly I would too if it was me. The expectations we sometimes put on our kids can be too much. While Sunday church is not a problem and they do well in school, seminary and mutual attendance can be an issue. How can we expect a highschooler to get up at 5:00am for seminary, go to school all day, come home and have 3-4 hours of homework, go to mutual, come home and work on more homework? Often they are up until midnight finishing homework and we expect them get up at 5:00am for seminary. No wonder they complain. I would too. So, to you who have high school aged kids, how do you balance all this? I want my kids to be successful and responsible, but sometimes this all seems too much. 

We had a 15 year old in this forum (if I remember correctly) who posted the same dilemma.  I can't find the thread but I wrote about my kids on there.

So, I have a 13 year old and 15 year old.  The 15 year old is a sophomore in high school, the 13 year old is only in 8th grade so he doesn't start seminary until August.

So, my 15 year old is also a pianist so he goes to the High School of the Arts - this is an academic high school with 3 extra classes for the arts program plus all the extra-curricular activities that go with it, including performances, competitions, attending performances, etc.  They have an activity coming up where they play the piano for 30 hours straight - starting from 7pm on a Friday all the way through 1am on Sunday morning.  They take turns sleeping, eating, bathroom breaks, but the music can't stop for 30 hours.  Because of his interest in the arts, he can't slack off on academics because if you fall below a C in your core classes you can get kicked out of the arts program.

In addition to that, my son was also on competitive Brazilian jiujitsu.  In addition to that he is working on getting his Eagle scout award.  And in addition to that, he is trying to make money by taking on piano students.

So, you might think... where does he find the time for Seminary, etc.?

Well, the way we have it in our house, we go to Church, we study scriptures, we keep covenants, we spend time as a family because we feel it is the right thing to do.  So, my son goes to Seminary because he feels it is the right thing to do.  If he feels overwhelmed, he gives up the less important stuff - like he quit competitive brazilian jiujitsu.  He now just goes to the jiujitsu school just to keep his skills up, sometimes twice a week, sometimes he'll skip a few weeks... just depends on whether he's got time to do it.

Basically, he has a ginormous calendar on his bedroom wall.  It takes up most of the wall even.  He has the entire month up there.  He writes in what he needs to do on the wall.  So, he organizes his activities and if it doesn't fit, then he moves it or erases it.  Seminary doesn't get erased from that board, not because we told him not to, but because he thinks it is the most important activity of his school day. 

I have never told my son to attend Seminary just like I have never told him to go pursue his music.  But we did have certain house traditions... in my family, we learn about God, we learn about music, we learn a sport.  So we go to Church, fulfill our callings, etc.  We pick an instrument and learn it, and we pick a sport and learn it.  So my son was 4 years old when I introduced him to a piano teacher and he's been obsessed by it ever since.  He was 4 years old when I introduced him to soccer but he was just blah with it.  We tried baseball he was just blah with it.  We tried tennis - blah.  He found jiujitsu when he was 6 or so and got obsessed by jiujitsu.  So, these are things he loves doing.  In our family, we put God first.  So, he grew up putting God first too.  I taught my son how to manage his life with a calendar and we made that calendar on his wall.  I taught him proper nutrition and proper sleep fuels the day, etc.  So then he contemplated his overflowing calendar to see what he wants to erase, he erased jiujitsu and kept Seminary and sleep.  Because he wanted to.

Anyway, yeah, they complain about their work especially when they want to wipe out an entire weekend to play video games.  But, I just tell them - you have complete control of your calendar.  Go make your choices.  So far, they're mostly choosing productive things and accomplishing their goals even as they can blow off an entire weekend goofing off, or they decide they don't want to go to school some days because they're too tired.  I just tell them, you know what you need to do.  Choose wisely.

That's really all we did.  Nothing more. 13 and 15 years old are too old for me to micro-manage their lives.  I would hope I've taught them life skills by now so they would go make good choices.

 

Edited March 1, 2017 by anatess2