How to Arrange a Marriage

[mordorbund]

For those who aren't fortunate enough to know couples who were arranged, I'm generously sharing my knowledge. For those who do know such couples (or were themselves arranged), feel free to share your experience.

I've had a few Indian coworkers and friends I've known well enough to get their story. One fellow was told by his parents that he needed to stop dilly-dallying and get married already. He hopped on a website, read through the profiles and backgrounds of eligible women in his caste, called his parents and told them "you can pick from these ~100". His parents went on the site where the list was shared with them and narrowed it down to 1. Once the choice was made, the parent told him well in advance when he needed to be off work to fly home for the wedding.

In the second case, the roles were reversed. The son was sent a list of ~30 women that his parents approved of. He went down the list calling each of them to get to know them better. He blocked out 30-45 minutes for each conversation. After talking to one of them, he realized that it had been 3 hours (he thought he had just gone over the 45 minute mark). He decided that would be the woman he'd marry.

A third case the parents started looking for a bride for their son. They asked around the family if anyone knew families with eligible women. An uncle's sibling-in-law (the aunt who married into the family's sibling) had a daughter. The parents interviewed the uncle about the family's values and how well it matched their own. They then interviewed the prospective bride's family, and finally they met with the bride herself. They determined the families would get along together and the children would too. They called their son and let him know of their decision.

I've known some Indians who have also had love-marriages, but since this thread is about arranged I'll stick to the topic at hand.

In general:

• marriages are kept within castes - this ensures that there's some general level of being equally yoked with education and finances
• marriages are between families - this ensures that married children are coming from families with similar values. Even if a child decides to deviate from his\her upbringing, he shares a similar context with the spouse.
• both families agree to the marriage
• arranged marriages are culturally enshrined so there's not a lot of brouhaha when the parents decide it's time for their child to take the next step in his/her life (I'm looking at you Princess Jasmine)

Sometimes:

• a balance of power is arranged between the parents and the children so that one group narrow the list and the other group makes the actual selection
• children are raised to be more prepared for married life. They know the expectation that they are more-or-less a part of the husband's family, his mother will likely live with them for a while when they have their first child, and other cultural norms.

[anatess2]

My friend from Iran had the family help him choose his bride.  They picked a woman from a strong and prominent family with all the attributes of good upbringing and whose moral values match their own.  They got married and 2 years later they got divorced.  Why... because the woman keeps on running to her parents when she has a problem with her husband putting the husband always at a defensive for all his decisions that doesn't match "how they did it in the woman's family" especially because the woman's father insists it has to be done that way because her daughter is precious and deserves it... which then brought my friend's family (he has 4 brothers)  to upbraid the woman's family for thinking that their ways are inferior... it was a mess.  And, of course, I'm speaking from the perspective of my friend so it might be that if you ask a friend of the woman they will have a different perspective.

Anyway, that was years ago and my friend learned a lot from it.  He has remarried to another Iranian woman - still arranged - but with healthier family dynamics.

 

Edited April 20, 2017 by anatess2

[person0]

Successful arranged marriages (even non-Christian) are a witness the the truth shared by modern Apostles and Prophets that any two individuals, who are faithful and seek to live up to their covenants and grow together towards Christ, can have a successful, joyful, and eternal marriage, with happiness in this life and in the next.  Spencer W. Kimball laid out the formula which would be applicable to arranged marriages and marriages of non-Christians as well, however, those of us who have the true gospel, have that as an added blessing to rely upon.  Here is a key part of his message (emphasis added):

Quote

While every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.

The formula is simple.

First there must be the proper approach toward marriage. A person must try to select a spouse who is as nearly perfect as possible in all the matters which are of importance to him.

Second, there must be a great unselfishness. All should be done for the good of the family.

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, the commandments of the Lord, as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ, must be lived completely.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quite impossible for unhappiness to come, misunderstandings to continue, or breaks to occur.

(Spencer W. Kimball - Oneness in Marriage)

Based on these guidelines, I believe that at least some form of an arranged marriage could occur by the prayerful guidance of the spirit.  My marriage was not arranged, however, if my wife were to pass away, I would not have a problem entering into an arranged marriage of some sort with a second spouse (so long as I felt we were both willing and able to meet the above criteria).

A problem in our society these days is that it is not as culturally acceptable (certainly not the norm), and there are sooooo many SJWs who would have an overly vocal problem with it.  There is a general nationwide deterioration of family values, and mostly individual pride issues that would make it difficult to enter into an arranged marriage, even within the Church.

[anatess2]

21 minutes ago, person0 said:

Successful arranged marriages (even non-Christian) are a witness the the truth shared by modern Apostles and Prophets that any two individuals, who are faithful and seek to live up to their covenants and grow together towards Christ, can have a successful, joyful, and eternal marriage, with happiness in this life and in the next.

Yes.  The qualities/attributes that make an arranged marriage successful is the same qualities/attributes that make a non-arranged marriage successful.

And I want to add - do not take your marriage lessons from the entertainment industry.  Your marriage will be happier.