Part 3 of my : Liking a missionary who recently got home

[alilc]

Welllll update: he texted me! And we've texted but not in depth at all. I actually have to keep the convo going cause he just gives one word replies, so, I'm honestly at the point where I want to give up on it. But I feel like I wasted those two years emailing him. I knew it would be different when he came home, but not this different. I bet He doesn't even want to meet up. I just want to give up on the whole thing. I feel dumb for being so invested in this situation it's just I reallllly care about him and I'm not sure about throwing it all away. But he really is putting in no effort so.  I need advice, again. Thanks y'all are the best.

[Guest]

Don't feel dumb, but don't give him any more of your energy. A guy who's invested can't wait to talk to you and would move mountains to see you. A guy giving one-word answers just isn't into you and isn't worth your time.

Sorry. But you deserve better. 

[Guest MormonGator]

@Eowyn is exactly right. The best advice we can give you given the evidence presented is that he's just not that into you. It's not personal-the amount of women who have turned me down for dates is in the triple digits. @Backroads herself turned me down 15 times! 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, alilc said:

Welllll update: he texted me! And we've texted but not in depth at all. I actually have to keep the convo going cause he just gives one word replies, so, I'm honestly at the point where I want to give up on it. But I feel like I wasted those two years emailing him. I knew it would be different when he came home, but not this different. I bet He doesn't even want to meet up. I just want to give up on the whole thing. I feel dumb for being so invested in this situation it's just I reallllly care about him and I'm not sure about throwing it all away. But he really is putting in no effort so.  I need advice, again. Thanks y'all are the best.

I wouldn't call it throwing it all away! Moving on is the better phrase.

You spent two years emailing this guy.  Even though this relationship may not have led to marriage, I am willing to bet you learned a lot, maybe even more than you realize, just by talking with this guy, upholding a friendship, and being there.  These skills will serve you well for the next guy you date, and may be essential for the guy you will wind up marrying!

The actors may change, but the game is not over.  It is natural to feel sad at the end of a relationship, but try and keep positive.  You have great things ahead!

[Guest Godless]

4 hours ago, alilc said:

I'm honestly at the point where I want to give up on it. But I feel like I wasted those two years emailing him. I knew it would be different when he came home, but not this different. I bet He doesn't even want to meet up. I just want to give up on the whole thing. I feel dumb for being so invested in this situation it's just I reallllly care about him and I'm not sure about throwing it all away. But he really is putting in no effort so.  I need advice, again. Thanks y'all are the best.

I'm going to go a little against the grain on this one. Dude just got home after being away for two years. I went through three homecomings during my time in the Army. I'm sure a lot of people want to hang out/catch up. He probably wants that as well, while simultaneously wanting to lock himself in his room and play video games for a week. Homecomings can be weird, stressful, and emotionally draining.

It's also possible that he's not a great communicator via text message. I say that because I'm absolutely guilty of the same. My go-to response to a text is "K" (yes, I'm one of those). And I SUCK at responding to online DMs and emails sometimes. Doesn't mean I don't care. Just means that I'm scatterbrained and hate communicating digitally sometimes.

I say give him a chance try to set the record straight. Try to get him to commit to a meetup. It doesn't have to happen right away. He may need time to settle into his home life. You've invested a great deal of time and energy into this friendship. Don't make a decision about whether to move on or keep trying to make it work without first meeting him face-to-face. And if/when that happens, talk to him about where you two stand. Get confirmation that moving on is the right thing to do before rushing into a decision. 

If things don't pan out, and that sounds like a very real possibility, be ready to let him go and move on. I'm in agreement with the others that investing any more time into a person who doesn't share your feelings is a bad idea. I'm just saying to try to meet up and get the full story first. There may be things going on in his life that you aren't privy to.

[askandanswer]

I agree with Godless - make no lasting decisions until either a) you actually meet, face to face, or b) it becomes certain that you are never likely to meet. I think its only after he's been in Idaho for about 6 weeks and you've been in Utah for about 6 weeks and you still don't have any firm plans to actually meet that you can start to consider the possibility that you will never meet. If things get to that point, I think the most useful thing to do is to spend at least half a day, maybe more, first thinking, and then writing, about the questions "what can I learn from this and how am I a better person because of having known him?"

[seashmore]

Suggest a phone conversation once you're in the US. If he's not willing to commit to that right now (and it doesn't sound to me like he would be), odds are he won't be willing to commit to anything more any time soon, while it seems like you are. People always get hurt when one is faster to commit to a relationship; you have to be equally yoked in that regard or you end up going in circles. It will hurt a lot less to keep him as a friendly memory than a one sided relationship. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Put me down for having a real conversation first before making a decision.  You can't just assume what somebody's motives and feelings are, and that goes double in marriage.  You have to communicate.