No Spousal Support

[wallys_daughter]

I am new to this board, been chatting on other boards but heard about this one and wanted to give it a try. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone had any good advice to help me. My spouse is a member and works with the scouts, but he is not supportive of me in my calling. It is very frustrating because I am only trying to serve the Lord in my very small capacities, but I get so much greif from him complaining of the time I spend away from our family (which at the most may be 2 hours a week). I am coming to the point where I am asking myself, Do I serve the Lord or my husband?

[bunnzy]

It sounds like you need to have a good sit down talk with your husband and say... "did you put you hand up when you sustained me in my calling as such-and-such? Do you know what sustaining is?" Let him answer the question and then point out to him what he is doing. (in a kind way, of course)

By the way, sustain comes from the Old French word sustenir meaning, hold up, endure and support. (sub meaning 'up from below', and tenere meaning 'to hold')

[MorningStar]

I am new to this board, been chatting on other boards but heard about this one and wanted to give it a try. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone had any good advice to help me. My spouse is a member and works with the scouts, but he is not supportive of me in my calling. It is very frustrating because I am only trying to serve the Lord in my very small capacities, but I get so much greif from him complaining of the time I spend away from our family (which at the most may be 2 hours a week). I am coming to the point where I am asking myself, Do I serve the Lord or my husband?

Hi!

Welcome to the board! My husband has served in scouts in every ward we've been in at some point and it takes a lot of time. Could it be he just misses you already with everything he is doing? This is a hard question to answer without knowing you two or your circumstances. :) May I ask what your calling is? Do you have young children? A lot of my friends have husbands who complain no matter what reason they leave the house for. They just don't want to watch the kids. A friend of mine said her husband was bugging her to go to the gym, but he didn't want to watch their son while she went. He wanted her to go at 5am while their son was still asleep so as not to inconvience him. He also complained when she went to the store and wanted to leave their son there. If she did leave, she would come back and their son would be screaming because Daddy didn't do anything with him, which was his way of making sure she wouldn't leave him there next time. She called him on it though and trained him good. :)

[Moksha]

Sounds more like a control issue than a religious issue. Is your hubby controlling in other ways as well?

[wallys_daughter]

May I ask what your calling is? Do you have young children? A lot of my friends have husbands who complain no matter what reason they leave the house for. They just don't want to watch the kids.

I work in the RS and, yes, I have a young daughter. And you are right, a lot of it is because he has to watch our daughter when I am gone. I have gotten babysitters or taken her with, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. *Sigh* If its not about watching the baby, it's about the time away.... I guess you are right, it may seem some husbands feel taken advantage of sometimes. They don't like to be the babysitters. I have heard my girlfriends complain of the same thing.

[MorningStar]

I work in the RS and, yes, I have a young daughter. And you are right, a lot of it is because he has to watch our daughter when I am gone. I have gotten babysitters or taken her with, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. *Sigh* If its not about watching the baby, it's about the time away.... I guess you are right, it may seem some husbands feel taken advantage of sometimes. They don't like to be the babysitters. I have heard my girlfriends complain of the same thing.

Ugh. I'm sorry this is your scenario. He's not a babysitter. He's a dad. You're not taking advantage of him and you should be able to have a little time away anyway. Having little children is very demanding. You probably watch her all day, right? I don't know how men can complain about having to watch their kids for a couple hours when we do it all day, every day, and lots of times in the middle of the night too.

My best friend's husband acts like her life is a cakewalk. Oh, he wishes he could spend the day at home, and go to the park, and for walks. But then he contradicts himself when he won't even watch their kid for an hour! He comes home and says, "I can't believe you didn't vacuum." Or, "I can't believe you didn't do the dishes." He finds the one thing she didn't do and picks on her, but if she leaves and comes home to a mess, somehow that's OK for him. He has no patience with his son during these short times, yet he somehow believes that his wife's life is soooooo much fun. One time when he purposely did a rotten job watching him, I told her, "I know you don't want to do this, but tell him if he does it again, you're leaving for longer." He got this sheepish grin when she actually said it to him because he knew he was doing that. And it worked! Then there's the fact that he thinks she will be in the mood for romance after 5 minutes of sweet talking when he has treated her like dirt for the whole day or days on end.

My friend deals with him by getting him treats when she's out, which sometimes helps, but I think it's most important to stand firm, state your case, and expect the same that you give to him when it comes to supporting him in his calling and other things I'm sure. :) And I think I would tell him, "If you miss me, why don't you just say so instead of getting annoyed with me, and please tell me how I can do my calling without putting a little time into it." I will say a prayer for you. I know how tough this situation is as I have a few close friends who are constantly fighting this battle. Another friend's husband was bugging her to lose weight and when she started going to the gym, he was complaining about her being gone, even if she put the kids in daycare. He somehow expects her to run her daycare during the day and find time to exercise with four kids three and under running around. He wants it all and he can't have it - a skinny wife with lots of energy that makes money and is always home to serve him and in the mooooood.

[SMG]

I'm single, and probably going to stay that way for my whole life, and probably have no standing whatsoever to comment on this thread, but I'd like to add my 2 bits.

Tell your husband to stop acting like a spoiled BRAT and to start acting like a MAN! He helped make that baby, now he can help raise that baby! Fathers do more than just make money to provide for physical needs! Don't be soft on him, either. If he knows he can get away with less than acceptable behavior, such as throwing a fit when he'll need to *gasp* watch his OWN CHILD for an hour, being human, he will likely keep doing it. Call him on it! Every. Single. Time.

Sorry, I never said I was nice. I suspect, had I been born earlier in the 20th century and had somehow found someone crazy enough to marry me, I would have been one of those wives who ruled her roost with an Iron Rolling Pin. (Ever see those comics where the wife would smack the husband with her rolling pin and the like?)

[Guest Iggy]

I'm single, and probably going to stay that way for my whole life, and probably have no standing whatsoever to comment on this thread, but I'd like to add my 2 bits.

Tell your husband to stop acting like a spoiled BRAT and to start acting like a MAN! He helped make that baby, now he can help raise that baby! Fathers do more than just make money to provide for physical needs! Don't be soft on him, either. If he knows he can get away with less than acceptable behavior, such as throwing a fit when he'll need to *gasp* watch his OWN CHILD for an hour, being human, he will likely keep doing it. Call him on it! Every. Single. Time.

Sorry, I never said I was nice. I suspect, had I been born earlier in the 20th century and had somehow found someone crazy enough to marry me, I would have been one of those wives who ruled her roost with an Iron Rolling Pin. (Ever see those comics where the wife would smack the husband with her rolling pin and the like?)

Marble rolling pin is better - not quite as heavy.

[Kate]

Sounds like everyone has given you great advice...MorningStar, I had to smile, you have great insight...Also, it sounded like you were talking about my husband..haha! Nevertheless, I had a friend whose husband actually made her tell the Bishop she wanted released. It was horrible for her, but she did it. Her husband, by the way ,is very controlling. The important thing here is that you recognize that a controlling spouse is not a healthy situation. I suggest that perhaps you ask the Bishop to counsel with you and your husband about the situation. 2 hours a week is nothing, and you are blessing the lives of the sisters by being there. If you don't nip this one in the bud, it will only get worse. Sometimes husbands need a little training in this regard.

~Kate

[MorningStar]

Thanks, Kate! :) I hope you've trained your husband well.

I think it starts with them feeling like they just don't know what to do with a baby - like the mom is more qualified to take care of them. New moms don't really know what to do a lot of the time either. It's just a bunch of trial and error and when you're home with them, you have a lot more time to figure out what does and doesn't work for the baby, and I also believe it is very important not to criticize our husbands when they step up to the plate and take care of the kids. If they put the diaper on wrong, oh well. At least they did it. If they feed a toddler a dinner that's not the healthiest while you're gone, you just have to let it go. Another friend is very particular about everything her kids do, eat, about having quiet time, and she likes everything on a schedule. Her husband probably feels like he doesn't really have a say in the kids' routine. Another friend used to work at a preschool and thinks she knows best when it comes to discipline. If her husband is firm and follows through with a consequence, she will lessen the consequence by telling him to say sorry and then she gets him out of time-out. We were in a restaurant for our son's birthday and their son was being rotten. The dad told him if he did it again, they would go out to the car and not come back in, so he ended up in the car. My friend went out there to rescue him and bring him back in. I can see both sides - She is sending the message that what Daddy says doesn't go, but her husband chooses extreme punishments that aren't age appropriate. He could've taken him out of the restaurant for 5 minutes then give it another try. She was trying to make it a better birthday for my son by keeping him in the restaurant at least part of the time.

My husband says that when dads don't feel comfortable watching their own kids, that just means they need to watch them more so they can practice. When our first son was born, he felt inadequate, but I really pushed the issue. I told him, "I have to get a break. I'm exhausted and I can't listen to his crying anymore." He went through a long colic stage and it was horrible. He said, "He's just going to cry the whole time you're gone." I said, "Yes, just like he cries the whole time you're gone." He got the point and he learned how important it is for me to get a rest and for him to have bonding time with the kids. They are all very attached to their dad. When he was working long hours, he would come home just in time for our son's bedtime and it was so nice when he decided that he wanted to read him books every night and tuck him in, because that was the only time he got with him 5 or 6 days a week. It has been wonderful for them and for me. As soon as we're done with prayer and scripture study, it is my time to shower, rest, go shopping, or whatever I want to do in that time. Most of my friends can't go out until they have put the kids to bed themselves because their husbands won't do it. My best friend's husband told her, "That's your job." Sometimes I think some guys think they've done their wives a favor by getting them pregnant. "There. I gave you a baby. My job is done." My uncle recently said that his kids all slept through the night from the beginning. Translation: My aunt took care of all 5 crying babies during the night while he slept through it.

It has gotten easier with each of our kids. I think because my husband took such a big part with our first son, it wasn't a problem with our second or third. I grew up with a dad who didn't get involved much at all with taking care of us, feeding us, bathing, and when we were older, he didn't ask us about school or anything - just come home and read his newspaper while watching the news. It made me sad to have such a distant dad, so it has been very important to me for my kids to be close to my husband. It helps that he had a great example from his dad. When I met his family, I knew I wanted to marry him because of the way his parents treated each other and the closeness the kids had with both of them.

[JohnBirchSociety]

It sounds like you need to have a good sit down talk with your husband and say... "did you put you hand up when you sustained me in my calling as such-and-such? Do you know what sustaining is?" Let him answer the question and then point out to him what he is doing. (in a kind way, of course)

By the way, sustain comes from the Old French word sustenir meaning, hold up, endure and support. (sub meaning 'up from below', and tenere meaning 'to hold')

Est-ce que vous parlez francaise?

[Daniel]

I'm in the same type of situation. However I will give you all the point of view from a male side. I am supportive of my wife. However when it comes to her calling I get very frustrated. She is a wonderful mother and is pretty good to me except when it comes to what she wants to do and church. She is in the RS presidency while I am the EQ President. Both are busy callings but I however make an effort to not say yes to everything and make sure my wife is ok with things we are planning and I plan well ahead for anything that may take more time from me. It seems like the RS runs around disorganize and/or is always running behind so a one hour meetings always runs 2 hours or more. Which means I am having to do much more then my share in the family duties. Along with that the only day we can hang out together is on Sunday, and her presidency insists on doing everything on Sunday (ie. meetings, visiting teaching, ext.). I feel very disrespected and I've pleaded with her many times to please get control of the situation since it is really straining on us. Nothing has worked so far and I am getting to the point where I want her to get released. It makes me feel horrible as a husband and she always throws it in my face that I said yes when they asked me. Well I said yes cause I thought there would be understanding and respect, but I have yet to see any. Anyways hope you ladies understand that it goes both ways.

QuorumPrez

[MorningStar]

I can see your side of it too. :) That is a very difficult situation for both of you to have such busy callings. How long have you been EQ President? How long has she been in the RS Pres.?

Our RS is like a well-oiled machine. My husband teaches in EQ and they never know who is going to teach until 2 days before and then sometimes they're not sure what the lesson is. I tell him, "I got the RS e-mail and it says the lesson is this." When I subbed for my friend's lesson, my husband said, "Oh! You get two weeks to prepare yourlesson!" He should just call them and ask when he's going to teach next and what the lesson is going to be because he needs time to plan. It stinks when they call him on Friday night and he's working all day on Saturday. He always feels unprepared. With our old choir director, she used to call me on Saturday morning and expect me to make a bunch of calls that day and I had told her that she needed to let me know by Thursday who she needed me to call, because I didn't want to spend my Saturday doing that. One day she called on our Anniversary and was a little put off when I wouldn't do it, but I gave her fair warning. We have a new guy who does the sacrament program and he sent out an e-mail to everyone and said if we don't submit our announcements by Thursday, they won't be going in the program. Good for him! I totally respect that. He shouldn't have to scramble every single Saturday when people put in their last minute announcements. That should be time spent with family.

I think it is important for people to delegate responsibilities to cut back on what you have to do. If you have a ton of phone calls to make, have a counselor do some of them. A friend of mine is in the Primary presidency and her husband helps make reminder calls, which is nice. When my husband was in Scouts, he had their meeting on Tuesday night, he taught the Deacons on Sunday, they had a Saturday activity once a month and then a campout once a month. They kept planning it far away so he would have to take off of work to go there, and he finally had to say that he couldn't do all of them. We had a newborn baby at the time and it was just getting to be too much for me and Enrichment was planned the same night as scouts, so I still didn't get a break. People would say, "Why don't you put your kids in nursery?" I said, "Because you can't put a baby in nursery!" If my kids were older, it would've been OK, but part of the joy of Enrichment is not having to load the kids into the van again.

[wallys_daughter]

I am getting to the point where I want her to get released.

You seem to have the same prespecitve as my hubby, QuorumPrez. I am sure that we are heading into this same direction. I think that I am going to talk to my Pres and tell her what has been going on. And then talk to the bishop and probably ask to be released. Big rumors are that we will be changing new bishops very soon, so should I wait for the new bishop or talk to the current one? And is this something that I have to make an appointment for or can I just call him on the phone and talk to him. (I appologize for such simple questions, but I don't know proper etiquette)

BTW, QuoromPrez, do you have any advice for me to help me deal with my hubby and maybe smooth things over so I can feel like I can fulfill my calling (which does take time) and still please him?

[Daniel]

You seem to have the same perspecitve as my hubby, QuorumPrez. I am sure that we are heading into this same direction. I think that I am going to talk to my Pres and tell her what has been going on. And then talk to the bishop and probably ask to be released. Big rumors are that we will be changing new bishops very soon, so should I wait for the new bishop or talk to the current one? And is this something that I have to make an appointment for or can I just call him on the phone and talk to him. (I appologize for such simple questions, but I don't know proper etiquette)

BTW, QuoromPrez, do you have any advice for me to help me deal with my hubby and maybe smooth things over so I can feel like I can fulfill my calling (which does take time) and still please him?

You know in all honesty if I was just called if plans changed or things are running over it wouldn't bug me so much (It would at least allow me some control over the matter, and feel I was part of a solution). I just think if an agreed upon schedule was made and both the callings became our callings things would be easier. Leaving me out of the loop or telling me I'll be home when we are done just isn't right. There is no easy solution but I can tell you from my perspective its not because I don't support my wife, or want her to not have a calling. Its a lack of courtesy, balance and communication that gets me all crazy. Although I am sure to her she sees it differently.

As far as discussing things to get released I would talk to the RS President, she is the one that calls sisters to their posts. The Bishop only does the interview and signs off on the calling. Maybe she can help you fulfill your calling in a different manner instead of getting released. You know I think maybe some of the problems stems from us men, some of us have the mentality that we give so much of the church already, why do they have to take my wife also.

[Maya]

My 5 pence worth:

I think they should already in young men start teaching the fathers to be; fatherhood, real fatherhood. It really is NOT just making the kids, it is to TAKE CARE of them emotionally too... and not forgetting the wife!! I so often hear the same thing, husbands not wanting to take care of their own kids! My husband has always been VERY supportative on my callings. He has always taken care of our kids, even though when NOT even a member!

Often the men in Church are so much just trying to work for the family and do the Church assighments well but forgetting that the thing that really counts is the family. We wemen have to also remember that it is WE who rise up the coming fathers. Maybe we should teach them more about beeing a father and doing their tasks as a member of the family. How many of us make sandwiches to our sons and not tell them to do that themselves? (My husband is reminding me about that all the time ... but my baby ,15, is so sleepy in the morning before seminary...and then if I dont make his sandwich he maybe goes to school without any food as I will be gone to work as he gets home from seminary...) I try to get the guys working with small things at home like vacouming... But like in all it is easier to do it by myself than ask them to do it....

I think we women need help from preasthood leaders, to tell the fathers to help in families and give the woman at least one evening in a week free! Some of our leaders are good excemples and give their wifes one day free in a week and then they stay at home taking care of the kids... or maybe they take them some nice place.... btw... why not a special father and kids evening in Church ONCE a week...!! So fathers get support from one an other....

One thing I been wondering is HOW and WHY so many men are so controlling??? Love is not of controlling but supporting!

[SMG]

My guess would be that the controlling men are the insecure men. People who are afraid of losing something often watch that something like a hawk.

[Jeny]

My guess would be that the controlling men are the insecure men. People who are afraid of losing something often watch that something like a hawk.

Spot on!!!

[Guest Iggy]

My guess would be that the controlling men are the insecure men. People who are afraid of losing something often watch that something like a hawk.

That is it in a nutshell I think - my first husband was a manipulating controlling jerk. He had no control in his own life thus he controlled me. It wasn't until I learned later that that was not normal. I wasn't raised that way by the way - my parents were far from controlling - but I thought that it was normal in his culture. He was japanese/cherokee & irish. His mother was Japanese - and he controlled her and she enabled him to do that.

Then I was around more and more asian couples - those who were raised old world, more modern and inbetween and not one of the husbands were as controlling and manipulative as mine. I also learned that this is common in alcoholics. Something else I learned, you can have an alcoholic personality and never have touched a drop of booze! My older sister has an alcoholic personality. She is aware of this and she is great at surpressing the bad traits and building up the good traits.

My first husband was and is a very insecure man. I don't have any advise for the OP, as it took me over 20 years to learn this of my husband. I see a lot in her situation that throws up the red flags. Take a real good look at his parents. How does his father treat his mother? How does his father treat his sisters and the other women in the family. Father treat his own mother, aunt, etc. Then that basically is how your husband is going to be. Can you live with that? Do you have a relationship where you can point this out to him? Then do so. If not, then you have a lot of talking with God to do. If I had my life to do over again, and was given the insight that you have been given here in this forum, I would have left the husband at least a decade earlier.

[MorningStar]

My 5 pence worth:

I think they should already in young men start teaching the fathers to be; fatherhood, real fatherhood. It really is NOT just making the kids, it is to TAKE CARE of them emotionally too... and not forgetting the wife!! I so often hear the same thing, husbands not wanting to take care of their own kids! My husband has always been VERY supportative on my callings. He has always taken care of our kids, even though when NOT even a member!

Often the men in Church are so much just trying to work for the family and do the Church assighments well but forgetting that the thing that really counts is the family. We wemen have to also remember that it is WE who rise up the coming fathers. Maybe we should teach them more about beeing a father and doing their tasks as a member of the family. How many of us make sandwiches to our sons and not tell them to do that themselves? (My husband is reminding me about that all the time ... but my baby ,15, is so sleepy in the morning before seminary...and then if I dont make his sandwich he maybe goes to school without any food as I will be gone to work as he gets home from seminary...) I try to get the guys working with small things at home like vacouming... But like in all it is easier to do it by myself than ask them to do it....

I think we women need help from preasthood leaders, to tell the fathers to help in families and give the woman at least one evening in a week free! Some of our leaders are good excemples and give their wifes one day free in a week and then they stay at home taking care of the kids... or maybe they take them some nice place.... btw... why not a special father and kids evening in Church ONCE a week...!! So fathers get support from one an other....

One thing I been wondering is HOW and WHY so many men are so controlling??? Love is not of controlling but supporting!

From observing my aunt with her kids, I learned that it was important to teach my kids to work. She did everything around the house and she has these sons who just expect everyone to serve them. Her kids had this funny conversation one day. My cousin Lisa said to her brother Ben, "I think the reason you're so lazy is because Mom did everything for us." He said, "Yeah, you're probably right." He wasn't even offended. They've been brought up to speak what's on their mind. Anyway, I've given my kids chores based on how age appropriate it is and by who made it the messiest. My two younger sons make a huge mess of the table, so they get to wipe it up and my oldest vacuums under the table. I just felt like I am not the one making the gigantic mess and maybe if they have to clean it, they'll be less inclined to fling their food everywhere. :) They also have to pick up their own clothes and wipe up after themselves if they miss the target in the bathroom. They're learning how to fold their own laundry too and our middle son actually loves doing it. Sometimes we'll put on a movie and fold together. I also give them those Swiffer things and have them dust and they think that's fun. They love to help me cook. It gets kind of complicated because all three of them want to help. If we make Kraft macaroni and cheese, all three of them want to put the cheese in. One night when I was going to mop, my son said, "I want to do it!" Another one wanted to learn how to do the dishes. They also like to start the washing machine, put the soap in, put the clothes in, switch them to the dryer, etc. When I was on crutches for four months, I had to ask them for a lot of help and as awful as it was, I think it was a good lesson that they are capable of helping more and that it's not bad for them. I think they will probably be pretty helpful when they grow up. My youngest likes to help, but it has to be his idea or he's "too tired".

[checkerboy]

Well I have to say that I feel bad for anyone in this type of situation. I am going through a divorce right now and would give my right eye to be able to have my boys with me all the time. I don't consider it baby sitting when my ex drops them off so she can go out and do what ever it is she does. I would think that any guy that doesn't appreciate the time that he can spend with his kids needs to be put in a situation where he doesn't get any time with his kids and see how he likes it. I used to be that way and now I can't stand the fact that I can't see my boys whenever I want.

It was funny to me that I was often called controlling by my ex when all I would do is try to get her to understand that the actions she chose were not very healthy for her or our family. I know that I could have been more supportive of her and now I am reaping the consequences of my decisions.

[MorningStar]

Well I have to say that I feel bad for anyone in this type of situation. I am going through a divorce right now and would give my right eye to be able to have my boys with me all the time. I don't consider it baby sitting when my ex drops them off so she can go out and do what ever it is she does. I would think that any guy that doesn't appreciate the time that he can spend with his kids needs to be put in a situation where he doesn't get any time with his kids and see how he likes it. I used to be that way and now I can't stand the fact that I can't see my boys whenever I want.

It was funny to me that I was often called controlling by my ex when all I would do is try to get her to understand that the actions she chose were not very healthy for her or our family. I know that I could have been more supportive of her and now I am reaping the consequences of my decisions.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's heartbreaking to think of anyone not being able to see their kids every day.

[Kate]

Well I have to say that I feel bad for anyone in this type of situation. I am going through a divorce right now and would give my right eye to be able to have my boys with me all the time. I don't consider it baby sitting when my ex drops them off so she can go out and do what ever it is she does. I would think that any guy that doesn't appreciate the time that he can spend with his kids needs to be put in a situation where he doesn't get any time with his kids and see how he likes it. I used to be that way and now I can't stand the fact that I can't see my boys whenever I want.

It was funny to me that I was often called controlling by my ex when all I would do is try to get her to understand that the actions she chose were not very healthy for her or our family. I know that I could have been more supportive of her and now I am reaping the consequences of my decisions.

Hindsight is always clearer. It's good of you to share your situation with us. I only pray that you will do whatever it takes to be highly active in your boys' lives from this moment on. Divorce is such a sad thing for a couple, but for the kids is tragic. Sounds to me like you really care, so try to set differences aside between you and your wife so that you can work together to make this the least possible tragedy for those boys. I wish you the very best and I hope and pray that your lives will mend and that you will find happiness.

~Kate

[Maya]

Well I have to say that I feel bad for anyone in this type of situation. I am going through a divorce right now and would give my right eye to be able to have my boys with me all the time. I don't consider it baby sitting when my ex drops them off so she can go out and do what ever it is she does. I would think that any guy that doesn't appreciate the time that he can spend with his kids needs to be put in a situation where he doesn't get any time with his kids and see how he likes it. I used to be that way and now I can't stand the fact that I can't see my boys whenever I want.

It was funny to me that I was often called controlling by my ex when all I would do is try to get her to understand that the actions she chose were not very healthy for her or our family. I know that I could have been more supportive of her and now I am reaping the consequences of my decisions.

I think this is a good reason in having some more teaching of this in preasthood meetings!! Agree with Kathy. It is sad but women break more often now than before, because nowadays they can manage alone too!