Dating Nonmembers

[Guest Malcolm]

My thinking is that marriage is by far the most difficult thing we will ever do as a human being. To cut hair and do nails training and license is required. We plunge into marriage with nothing but the Gospel and faith to guide us in this very difficult task. If the couple has no cohesive plan and does not operate under the same principles it is likely it will not survive.

If it does, the one partner that knows and understand the truth will carry a great burden of not knowing what eternity holds in store since the other spouse has eyes only for what lays on the earth. Children will also be tempted to imitate the behavior of the one spouse that is not a member. And that is a real danger for the future of the family. By the time the non-member spouse feels the tugging of the spirit a generation may have been lost.

[digitalbath]

I see no problem with dating a non-member. i can so relate to that. want a good laugh ? well, here goes...did members really expect me to wait until i was married to have premarital sex ? NO way. i am 46 years old. did the church expect me to go sex free forever ??? lol... and yes i am a member but inactive for 13 years now. not proud of it... it happened because of not going on mission and i was treated as an outcast. still bitter about that and hung up on not being able to marry in the church because of most lds girls/women are preprogrammed to marry a returned missionary. many will say it does not matter if they a RM or not they have not walked in my shoes so they don't really know how hard that would be to find someone to marry in the church. some say go to another country..I have been to hawaii and mexico and other places and it all equally the same result. they won't marry you if you are not a returned misiionary. i often ask members if it is possible to get married in the afterlife and they just look at me strangely and don't know the answer. i am doomed then. the deilema remains. hope i have not bored you with this. ??? have anice day .

[digitalbath]

and no i am still single. i think i am a psycho girl magnet. lol

[digitalbath]

cursed ! lol

[Argentina84]

There are temptations for both church and nonchurch goers.

I agree with Dr T. I used to think I would never date a non-member, but now..things are changing...I think it can be very risky, though.

A good thing is to share the Gospel and see if he/she is interested in it. Perhaps you can be they way he/she knows the truth. That happened many times.

But state your values and norms from the beginning.

Kind regards!

[Guest Malcolm]

I see no problem with dating a non-member. i can so relate to that. want a good laugh ? well, here goes...did members really expect me to wait until i was married to have premarital sex ? NO way. i am 46 years old. did the church expect me to go sex free forever ??? lol... and yes i am a member but inactive for 13 years now. not proud of it... it happened because of not going on mission and i was treated as an outcast. still bitter about that and hung up on not being able to marry in the church because of most lds girls/women are preprogrammed to marry a returned missionary. many will say it does not matter if they a RM or not they have not walked in my shoes so they don't really know how hard that would be to find someone to marry in the church. some say go to another country..I have been to hawaii and mexico and other places and it all equally the same result. they won't marry you if you are not a returned misiionary. i often ask members if it is possible to get married in the afterlife and they just look at me strangely and don't know the answer. i am doomed then. the deilema remains. hope i have not bored you with this. ??? have anice day .

I imagine it must be quite difficult. but I also suspect that there maybe other issues that have prevented you from marrying, especially at this stage of your life.

Your inactivity clearly places a very important place. Your statement of being inactive and proud of it throws glaring warning lights. Mature women have a more defined and clear perspective in life. You not being a RM plays a minor role currently, but not being active, not being temple worthy is by far the greatest impediment. A woman that have been worthy, that has prepared herself to marry and remain so at age 30 or 40 may not be willing to sacrifice her very limited chances to attain an eternal family.

You seem to lament and resent women's standard on the matter of choosing a worthy companion. I suggest, however that you should look inward before you do so in other quarters. I say the above without critique, just an observation.

[digitalbath]

Malcom- I respect your response. You are obviously a mature person with much enlightenment and wisdom. For the record I am not proud of my inactivity. The Lord knows why I have not come back to church. My inactivity comes from the being treated as an outcast. Your version of eternity has made me think of the future. I am curious if you are a RM ?? no judgement coming to you if you are one either. I have no problems with the Lords judgement of me now. Life as an illusion. Reality and immortality hmmmm ??? Wish I had more time to chat with you. To many errands to do. until next time. Live long and Prosper. later, Craig.

P.S. my favorite question is... What is life ?? lol have a nice day.

[digitalbath]

Argentina84- for the record I am male. and the 1 thing that I have learned from my last broken relationship... is to know what eachothers expectations are of one another. my values are being faithful, love and be loved, loving life no matter what, overcoming obsticles, having real life goals. being nice to everyone. respect the older people and love the young.

[prisonchaplain]

IMHO, women who would reject someone whom they loved, simply because they were not an RM evidence a narrow, immature spirituality. Likewise those who would marginalize someone who did not serve an official mission.

Ironically, after I served a six and a half year mission, and desired to return to the field I served in, God put me in a domestic service instead. The best place a believer can be is not necessarily a mission field--rather it is wherever God places him/her.

Another irony is that many here are somewhat tolerant of interfaith marriages (especially if it's a second one), but there is little hope for this fellow because he's not an RM?

Having said all that, I'm wondering how convinced you are that this church is the true one, if you'd become inactive due to poor behavior by some members. The Apostle Paul dealt with far worse opposition from fellow believers--but endured it for the sake of Christ.

We're not called to like one another...but to love. And, that love is not our own...it is from God. I hope and pray you make your peace with God, and eventually are able to find your right place amongst his people.

[Argentina84]

Argentina84- for the record I am male. and the 1 thing that I have learned from my last broken relationship... is to know what eachothers expectations are of one another. my values are being faithful, love and be loved, loving life no matter what, overcoming obsticles, having real life goals. being nice to everyone. respect the older people and love the young.

I think likewise!

Regards!

[Fiannan]

IMHO, women who would reject someone whom they loved, simply because they were not an RM evidence a narrow, immature spirituality. Likewise those who would marginalize someone who did not serve an official mission.

I absolutely agree with you PC. However, there are a few women in the LDS Church who feel this way. The good thing is that you only need one person to marry and I am sure there are ample numbers of good LDS women who don't care -- heck, lok how many marry guys outside the Church for evidence of that.

I have four daughters and when they are old enough for serious dating I would never tell them not to consider an active, devout man if he did not serve a mission. I did not serve a mission (parents asked me not to since they wanted me to go to college and I joined when I was almost 18) and I have stayed active in the Church. I think a mission is good, don't get me wrong, but not something that I think makes a huge diverence in choosing someone for marriage.

Digitalbath, you are only 46, right? That mean you still have time to get married and have a family. My advice would be to totally take appraisal of your spiritual goals and family goals. If you want to be active and have a wife and kids my suggestion would be to join some of those LDS dating sites. A friend of mine was in his late 30s when his wife left him and he joined one. He placed his profile out there (active, several kids, no mission, and all the personal stuff) and he was getting hits from interested females ranging in age from 19 to his age. And maybe if you are a bit unconventional that could be a plus since maybe there's a girl out there who shares in your unconventional ways of life and (like you perhaps) feels like an outcaste in the LDS social scene but is a firm believer in the Gospel.

Really, I have run across devout LDS people who are anarchists, red necks, semi New Agers, gun nuts, nudists, bikers, hunters, veggans, hippies you name it. Try out the internet stuff and you may find someone who fits you.

Personally, if I were single and wanting to find an LDS gal at my age (about the same as your's digitalbath) I would go the internet route because I think the singles program for over 30 people is totally messed up in the Church.

[Guest Malcolm]

I have been a member only 8 years or so. I came to know the Gospel much later in life so serving a mission is 15-20 years away for me.

I was referring more to the fact that slightly mature women (30+) had their share of disappointments already. They have no time or disposition to take a gamble on someone that is not active and that potentially has some issues of worthiness. One of the fundamental tenets of our religion is the eternal perspective of marriage. for some people it makes all the difference.

Beyond that such problems as discussed here, do not reside out there but "in here" with us. Must problems that we encounter are the symptom. The real problems remains under the surface. we either can not see it or refuse to. What is certain is that it requires more time, effort, faith and energy to solve than we have been willing or able to invest.

[AliaRose]

I know that girls from the church think if u are not RM they would not marry you . I once thought the same but after serving for a while as a missionary I came to the understanding that is it not important if you are a RM or not .. it is important who u are and what u do daily!

And I do think that you will find a girl/woman to marry but u need to do have faith and patience!

Good luck!

[digitalbath]

fianan- thanks you for your response. I am embaressed to say that I just might have to go the interenet route to find at least a girlfriend. my thoughts on being inactive sickens me, but that feeling of being an outcast remains there. many tell me to pray about it. it seems the only time I really pray with deep intent is when it's a life or death situation or if I am in pain and not knowing what to do. I know that I still feel lost and very alone. feeling very vonerable now. I have alienated myself to seclusion. the only confort I get is in my love of artwork to keep me sane. many here will think I have gone of the deep end. they could be right ???

[Guest Malcolm]

fianan- thanks you for your response. I am embaressed to say that I just might have to go the interenet route to find at least a girlfriend. my thoughts on being inactive sickens me, but that feeling of being an outcast remains there. many tell me to pray about it. it seems the only time I really pray with deep intent is when it's a life or death situation or if I am in pain and not knowing what to do. I know that I still feel lost and very alone. feeling very vonerable now. I have alienated myself to seclusion. the only confort I get is in my love of artwork to keep me sane. many here will think I have gone of the deep end. they could be right ???

I would wait a bit in terms of the search for a companion. How you feel (outcast) is not the result of your loneliness and isolation but rather a symptom. Often what we call "problems" are just the resultant of issues we do not really understand thus we can not see them.

I am not sure what those issues are but they began long ago and it will take some time as well to be resolved. You have to address your inactivity, unresolved issues or behaviors that have "pushed" you away from your Heavenly Father. Counsel with your Bishop and commit yourself to live your life according to the Gospel (all of it...church attendance, tithing, activities, home teaching).

Set as a goal to become worthy and able to receive a Temple Recommend. Set your life in order and I promise, you will not have to go over the internet to find a companion. She is much closer than you think.

What do you think?

[digitalbath]

malcom- when i went to what was called Ricks college about a 100 years ago ha ha now called byu-idaho. my college ward bishop asked me when i was putting in my papers for a mission ?? I told him I did not want to go and he would not take no for an answer. he then said "what can we do to make you more worthy to go on a mission ?" i was so mad i ran out of his office. this is what started the inactivity. then treated as outcast by my home ward for not going on mission. having parents come up to me saying you can't date my daughter if don't go on a mission. slowly building up speed to for me not wanting to go back to church. then other reality problems at work ,making me turn to drugs and alcohol to cope with it all back then.

[Guest Malcolm]

Digital, my brother:

I am truly sorry that more was not done to try and reach you. You were probably already struggling with some issues back then even if you did not realize it at the time. But that was then and we are here now.

Please, my brother, you HAVE to let go of the resentment and the pain that those issues caused you. You have to stop looking to the rear view mirror. I want you to look forward and visualize the kind of life you want to have. History is not destiny and what happened to you, where you've been and what you've done has nothing to do with the future and the things that your Heavenly Father has in store for you.

You have suffered a great deal because of your transgressions. Please, go to a quiet corner in you home and seek the Lord. Fast and pray, read your scriptures and commit yourself to seeking repentance and to unburden your heart that you may be happier and able to to start on the road to reach your full potential.

Find a chapel and make an appointment with the Bishop. Counsel with him, ask him for help and have the courage to face your own inadequacies and shortcoming as that is the only way to excise and uproot the pain that sits in your heart. Please keep in mind, it will seem to you that you'll have to climb mount everest in order to break away from those chains. But you will not do it alone. The Lord will uphold you, strengthen you and support you. I promise you that if you truly, with full intent seek a change of heart the Lord will give you a new heart. And all the other things you seek will come into your life.

If you have a chance later read my testimony (In Cuba we waited). I was a soldier and you will never know, it is my hope, the things that I had to do and what I saw for so many years while in the military. The very first time that I read the BoM this scripture tore thru my heart like lightening:

"And thus did the Spirit of the Lord work upon them, for they were the very vilest of sinners. And the Lord saw fit in his infinite mercy to spare them; nevertheless they suffered much anguish of soul because of their iniquities, suffering much and fearing that they should be cast off forever."

My brother, I do not desire for you to bare your life before a public forum. If there is anything you would like to share that is private send me a message. I will pray that you will have the desire to seek a way to return to the Lord. Remember that the Atonement is the instrument for repentance. If you desire a new life, if you desire to receive a new heart know that the Son of God offered freely his blood for you and if you desire to be free from sin, He will deliver you and you will be free indeed.

My love goes out to you.

[NateHowe]

Malcolm, that is the spirit in which all of our pleas should be made. Thank you.

Digital, I can only echo what Malcolm has said. The past is the past, and it cannot be reclaimed. Although the people of the Church are imperfect, the love of Christ is perfect and inexhaustible. Reach out to Him.

[digitalbath]

natehowe- the past is the past, but in reference to mormon girls still seeking out returned missionaries still remains to the present. I agree with you that the members are not perfect and I have known this for many years now. my love for the Lord is strong. if the Lord knows everything then he knows why I have not come back to church. he understands my reasoning. more later tomorrow. off to work now.

[NateHowe]

He understands your reasons and loves you. That does not mean that you are doing what He would want you to do. Ask Him for help to go in the direction He wants - not the direction you want.

As far as Mormon girls wanting to date RMs, can you blame them? A successful mission at least means that he has the necessary skills to live with another person for two years without major incident. Add the potential spiritual preparation, and it's a good deal if you can find it. Does that mean you are ineligible for marriage without a mission? No. But it means you have work to do to catch up on some things.

[SMG]

Just a small reminder: A guy (or girl) being a returned missionary does NOT mean they are perfect. I've heard too many stories from broken hearted wives who've been.... treated awfully... (to put it lightly) by their husbands who had served missions in their younger years.

"The past is NOT always an accurate indicator of future performance." I know I mangled that quote, but that's the clearest way I could type it.

[digitalbath]

my dilema remains.

[AliaRose]

I agree with SMG , even if male members went on missions that dosen`t mean that they are going to be kind and nice.

And digitalbath ,like NateHowe,said u have some catch up to do! There are girls / women that dosen`t care if u are RM or not .

and like I said before - I would marry a guy that is not an RM .. so u see there are still girls that would marry a giu that is not an RM.. have faith!

[NateHowe]

Just a small reminder: A guy (or girl) being a returned missionary does NOT mean they are perfect. I've heard too many stories from broken hearted wives who've been.... treated awfully... (to put it lightly) by their husbands who had served missions in their younger years.

"The past is NOT always an accurate indicator of future performance." I know I mangled that quote, but that's the clearest way I could type it.

Quite agreed. Perfection is not the standard here. However, a mission is a distinct advantage if the missionary comes home and keeps the commandments. Although we all know some notable exceptions, they are exactly that: exceptions. Most RMs have benefited from the experience in ways that translate well to married life.

my dilema remains.

Be the best you can be now. The right person will see that. There is no substitute for living the commandments NOW if you want to attract the type of person you want to have with you eternally. You will not come across as "damaged goods" if you are actively pursuing righteous things.

[digitalbath]

I am already perceived as "not as good" (damaged goods) by those that expect a RM to be married to. Next question.. is it possible to get married in the afterlife ??? and Would the church expected me to stay selabet (sex free) my whole life before being married ?? it is not reasonable or healthy. and yes I have had premarital sex. My hope is not to affend people by asking these questions. i just want realistic answers is all.