Dating Nonmembers

[cate211]

I'm sorry if this has already been addressed on the forums, but I'm new here and I admit I'm lazy about skimming all the past posts.

What do you think of new converts dating nonmembers? Do you think it's too hard because of temptations?

I'm curious because I'm a new convert and I'm have trouble finding young single LDS men in my area.

[the_jason]

Nobody has a right to tell you who you can or can't date. It's important to date someone who has similar beliefs and standards. Dating a member does not gaurantee that the two of you will have shared standards, nor does dating a non-member gaurantee that you'll have different standards. However, the odds are in favor of the member. More than likely the man you date will have righteous standards and encourage you in your continued learning of the gospel.

Don't date just to date. Date for the possibility of marriage. If you can't see yourself marrying someone, don't date him. There is no right answer. Ask the Lord.

[prisonchaplain]

I've addressed this several times...but remain passionate about it: We ought not to date anyone that we know is not suitable for marriage. Paul tells us in Corinthians not to be unequally yoked--meaning that believers ought not to marry unbelievers. So, why date someone you know you cannot marry? Well...of course...maybe s/he can be converted. Maybe. But, how honest is that? I'll marry you if you change your religion. Sometimes God shines mercy on such cases, but, imho, such "evangelistic romance" is not God's best for us.

So, there's my hardline answer...for what it's worth.

[cate211]

Thank you both for responding. I think my problem right now is it seems all the guys I know are nonmembers. My ex bfs mysteriously reappeared right after I converted. I think it's just a temptation test sometimes.

[Guest Malcolm]

"For all things before God must be proven worthy" my grandma' just to say. The sole object of dating is to asses the suitability of the other person for marriage. We seldom question our own thoughts, feelings and motivations. In this case you should do so constantly. Why are you dating? To have company, to feel wanted, to savor the attention? At this age we crave social interaction and attention more than food. Some even tend to neglect parents, school and other responsibilities to be with friends. This is the most vulnerable stage of you life, likely. If you make a mistake now it will be with you for the rest of your life. It may not hurt that long but it will certainly get in your way as much. So, if the young man has not proved himself to our Father in Heaven and to himself that he ca stay the course, stay clean, honor his priesthood and look forward to greater and everlasting covenants, what can you expect? Just a thought.

[WillowTheWhisp]

Think of eternity - do you want to live in the celestial kingdom sealed for all eternity to your spouse and your children? If the answer is yes then you need to be married to a temple worthy priesthood holder, so that is the person you should be dating.

There are also many temporal advantages in being married to a priesthood holder which I took for granted when I was married to my first husband, things like him being able to give the children a blessing whenever they were ill or troubled. I miss that now.

[Kirtlander]

Don't hold back when it comes to your beliefs. Be completely honest from the get go. In our religion, it is very much part of who you are. It is very hard managing a relationship with different views on religion. Espessially when it comes to raising children. I recommend holding out for a good ol' mormon boy. Congratulations on your conversion.

[Dr T]

There are temptations for both church and nonchurch goers.

[Mahonri]

Talk to your bishop and to the Lord.

There is no universal answer... but if you were asking me, I'd tell you that in the eternal scheme of things, if you want to marry the right person in the right place, it will only be a worthy Melchizedek Priesthood holder in the House of the Lord. I'd tell you that for eternities sake, if it's not in the right place with the right person, then it's better not to marry. (period) And don't ever forget, you marry those that you date.... so if they can't go to the Temple be very careful.

[Heckya]

Talk to your bishop and to the Lord.

There is no universal answer... but if you were asking me, I'd tell you that in the eternal scheme of things, if you want to marry the right person in the right place, it will only be a worthy Melchizedek Priesthood holder in the House of the Lord. I'd tell you that for eternities sake, if it's not in the right place with the right person, then it's better not to marry. (period) And don't ever forget, you marry those that you date.... so if they can't go to the Temple be very careful.

I think this is a great answer and here is why. I am married to a wonderful man who is not a member of the church. We have a great marriage, great kids, etc but there is something missing. I miss my faith. It's an ache that's deep in the soul, one that I don't recommend experiencing. It's a great sadness, one that I can't share with my husband. I've never been very active, but I know when dating/choosing a mate, I was careless and didn't listen to my heart 100%. Now I am here, trying to figure out how to reintroduce myself to the church, bring it into my kids lives and possibly into my husbands. However, my biggest concern is destroying my marriage/family because of religion. It's terrifying.

I think it is critical that people date people of their same faith no matter what their faith (at least if they are active in their faith, but even then, like me, it can backfire later.) In fact, I think most bishops/priests/etc of any faith would say the same thing. Dating may take some patience with your new faith, but I'm sure that if you follow you faith, that God will have great things in store.

Hope this helps.

[Guest AutumnBreez]

I think this is a great answer and here is why. I am married to a wonderful man who is not a member of the church. We have a great marriage, great kids, etc but there is something missing. I miss my faith. It's an ache that's deep in the soul, one that I don't recommend experiencing. It's a great sadness, one that I can't share with my husband. I've never been very active, but I know when dating/choosing a mate, I was careless and didn't listen to my heart 100%. Now I am here, trying to figure out how to reintroduce myself to the church, bring it into my kids lives and possibly into my husbands. However, my biggest concern is destroying my marriage/family because of religion. It's terrifying.

I think it is critical that people date people of their same faith no matter what their faith (at least if they are active in their faith, but even then, like me, it can backfire later.) In fact, I think most bishops/priests/etc of any faith would say the same thing. Dating may take some patience with your new faith, but I'm sure that if you follow you faith, that God will have great things in store.

Hope this helps.

I ache too. I want to share many things with my husband, however I don't want him to feel like I am trying to change him to be a Mormon. I don't want him this way unless this is his choice to be in the Church because he truely wants and believes in it.

[the_jason]

I have a question for everyone who's posted about their spouse not being a member. I don't ask this to be critical, but merely out of curiosity. Why did you marry a non-member? Were you not a member yourself when you got married? Were you less active? Did you think you could get him/her to join? I find it interesting how many people in the church wish their spouses were members, and I wonder what choices could have been made differently. Again, I'm not trying to be critical, so please don't take it that way.

[Fiannan]

I have mixed feelings on this. When I was single I actually met way more non-members who were into who I was while I never really related to most life members. I was lucky enough to find a Swedish wife who I can discuss deep subjects with on an equal footing. No, this is not an attack on American women becasue there are a few who are outside the materialistic norm (even some young LDS women in America). I suppopse if anything happened to my wife I would be open to date non-members as well (since I have gone through all the ordinances in the temple already) but they would have to be open to the Gospel.

I once dated a fantastic non-member who was an atheist. We got along great and shared all the same interests but she was a bit pushy on the atheist thing so that ended the relationship.

[WillowTheWhisp]

My answer probably is far from typical of a member married to a non-member.

My first husband and I were both members and our marriage was sealed for time and all eternity in the London England Temple. Our children were born in the covenant and are both active members of the church.

Then my husband died. My children were aged 7 and 10.

I didn't think I would remarry. I wasn't looking for a new husband.

Then I met my present husband. He was a widower. When he proposed to me I knew it wouldn't be the same as being married to a church member but I wasn't looking for an eternal companion. I already have my eternal companion.

He is a good man and lives church standards. The main difference is that he doesn't have the priesthood so if we need a blessing we have to look elsewhere.

For his own sake I would love him to join the church and to be sealed to his late wife and his adult daughters.

For me I know where I'm going in eternity and who I'm going to be with, my first husband. My life now with a temporal companion is happier than it would be as a single parent.

[the_jason]

That makes sense, but you're right that your experience isn't typical. The people I'm referring to married a non-member in their first, or only, marriage. I'm just curious why.

[prisonchaplain]

My answer probably is far from typical of a member married to a non-member.

My first husband and I were both members and our marriage was sealed for time and all eternity in the London England Temple. Our children were born in the covenant and are both active members of the church.

Then my husband died. My children were aged 7 and 10.

I didn't think I would remarry. I wasn't looking for a new husband.

Then I met my present husband. He was a widower. When he proposed to me I knew it wouldn't be the same as being married to a church member but I wasn't looking for an eternal companion. I already have my eternal companion.

He is a good man and lives church standards. The main difference is that he doesn't have the priesthood so if we need a blessing we have to look elsewhere.

For his own sake I would love him to join the church and to be sealed to his late wife and his adult daughters.

For me I know where I'm going in eternity and who I'm going to be with, my first husband. My life now with a temporal companion is happier than it would be as a single parent.

I now understand why LDS widows and widowers could consider marriage outside the faith. In my case, I doubt I could date outside the faith, if I were to become a widower...because, irregardless of my heavenly marriage situation, here on earth, I want to become as one flesh with my spouse. It just seems impossible, if we do not share the same spiritual values. IMHO, Paul's writings would still cast such a relationship (even for widows/ers) an an "unequally yoked" one.

[Guest Malcolm]

Jason:

I make the same statement in regards to my intentions in the post. It is not to offend or hurt anyone.

As the Lord pointed out early in the creation; we are not designed to be alone. Primarily because of personality, upbringing and choices we make we find ourselves in the company of those who are not of our faith. Humans are quite predictable and our needs are universal. Grandma used to say "we want what we want" That means that depending on the life phase we are going thru we are driven by needs that seem overpowering and all consuming. And sometime we ruin our own lives to get it. It is often times the girl that ends up marrying a non-member but men could as well.

Fiannan points to his belief that young American women in the church are centered on material wealth. I am not sure that is accurate but that was his perception at the time. So he dates somebody that is absolutely the opposite of what he should stand for as a member of the church because he feels good in her company. The outcome was predictable. He ignored the obvious flaws of the relationship because it satisfied, at least in the beginning his emotional needs. That is the bottom line. The interpersonal exchange, the physical and emotional intimacy and the attention provides ALL the gratification that, at least initially, we crave in a relationship. As life and reality sets in we realize that the center of our life HAS to be God if we are to feel happy, fulfilled and in synch with the truths that we know. If the Spirit has not left because of transgression you will eventually feel that void and "ache deep in my soul" as Heckya described it when you marry a non-member.

The absolute truth is that we are not that good looking, kind, hard working, patient or smart as we tend to pretend during courtship. Once the novelty wears off the real person emerges. And if he or she does not share the same faith and principles as we do we will find ourselves staring at a very long, obscure and empty hallway. It is our path of solitude thru life and into heaven but without the comfort of the Spirit or the fellowship of the saints.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I now understand why LDS widows and widowers could consider marriage outside the faith. In my case, I doubt I could date outside the faith, if I were to become a widower...because, irregardless of my heavenly marriage situation, here on earth, I want to become as one flesh with my spouse. It just seems impossible, if we do not share the same spiritual values. IMHO, Paul's writings would still cast such a relationship (even for widows/ers) an an "unequally yoked" one.

It wouldn't work for us if we were totally different I suppose. My husband comes to Sacrament Meeting and supports me in my church callings. He also conducts family home evening once a month and makes sure someone says prayers and blesses food before we eat. He's all but LDS in lifestyle I suppose, just hasn't taken the plunge.

[Fiannan]

Fiannan points to his belief that young American women in the church are centered on material wealth. I am not sure that is accurate but that was his perception at the time. So he dates somebody that is absolutely the opposite of what he should stand for as a member of the church because he feels good in her company. The outcome was predictable. He ignored the obvious flaws of the relationship because it satisfied, at least in the beginning his emotional needs. That is the bottom line. The interpersonal exchange, the physical and emotional intimacy and the attention provides ALL the gratification that, at least initially, we crave in a relationship. As life and reality sets in we realize that the center of our life HAS to be God if we are to feel happy, fulfilled and in synch with the truths that we know. If the Spirit has not left because of transgression you will eventually feel that void and "ache deep in my soul" as Heckya described it when you marry a non-member.

If you want to add voice to this reply please envision Dr. Perry Cox of Scrubbs.

Lots of people have tried to psychoanalyze me and the only ones who have gotten it right are the ones with similar core personalities -- I doubt you'd want to spend a week camping with in a remote area with some of them unless you wanted this as the theme song for your "adventure" -- YouTube - In Flames - Only For The Weak It would be a great adrenaline rush though -- I could assure you of that.

Sooooorry for placing intellect, shared interests, personality and conversation very high on my list of what attracts me in a woman. Did I not state in my post that spirituality is also very important and that my example relationship ended due to this woman not wanting to consider the spirituality as taught in our Church? Do I feel most American women are superficial and neurotic? Yep, but there are plenty (even LDS ones) who aren't. In fairness there are a lot of guys who would make a really good case of the re-introduction of polygamy so their genes could be weeded out.

I hope you aren't like the guy who Elder Bedner described in a talk last year who was dating a girl at BYU but dumped her when she got a peircing. If one of my sons were dating an active and smart LDS girl attending BYU and dropped her for something like this I'd give him a slap upside the head that he would not forget for a very long time.

[Canuck Mormon]

If you want to add voice to this reply please envision Dr. Perry Cox of Scrubbs.

Lots of people have tried to psychoanalyze me and the only ones who have gotten it right are the ones with similar core personalities -- I doubt you'd want to spend a week camping with in a remote area with some of them unless you wanted this as the theme song for your "adventure" -- YouTube - In Flames - Only For The Weak It would be a great adrenaline rush though -- I could assure you of that.

Sooooorry for placing intellect, shared interests, personality and conversation very high on my list of what attracts me in a woman. Did I not state in my post that spirituality is also very important and that my example relationship ended due to this woman not wanting to consider the spirituality as taught in our Church? Do I feel most American women are superficial and neurotic? Yep, but there are plenty (even LDS ones) who aren't. In fairness there are a lot of guys who would make a really good case of the re-introduction of polygamy so their genes could be weeded out.

I hope you aren't like the guy who Elder Bedner described in a talk last year who was dating a girl at BYU but dumped her when she got a peircing. If one of my sons were dating an active and smart LDS girl attending BYU and dropped her for something like this I'd give him a slap upside the head that he would not forget for a very long time.

Sorry Fiannan, but whenever I read one of your posts I don't hear Dr. Coxx from Scrubs, I hear the Swedish guy from the Ikea commercials that we have here.

[Guest Malcolm]

Sorry Fiannan:

Again, no psychoanalysis here, friend. I would not know anything about that. Sorry if it sounded any other way than plain reasoning.

You pointed to the fact that you found in the past young LDS American women were materialistic. Thus you had to look outside the faith for someone more to your liking. Well, I was just making an observation based on the information you offered on the post above. It is interesting, however, that you ignored everything else I said about being "unequally yoked". At the end, the fact remains that you can make any choice you want in terms of your temporal companion. Our Heavenly Father has already revealed what the terms of the covenants are in order to have an eternal family. I was just trying to allude that fact.

[Fiannan]

Sorry Fiannan:

Again, no psychoanalysis here, friend. I would not know anything about that. Sorry if it sounded any other way than plain reasoning.

You pointed to the fact that you found in the past young LDS American women were materialistic. Thus you had to look outside the faith for someone more to your liking. Well, I was just making an observation based on the information you offered on the post above. It is interesting, however, that you ignored everything else I said about being "unequally yoked". At the end, the fact remains that you can make any choice you want in terms of your temporal companion. Our Heavenly Father has already revealed what the terms of the covenants are in order to have an eternal family. I was just trying to allude that fact.

And in that we are in total agreement. I did not have to marry outside of the faith, but I did marry outside of the USA.

[Heckya]

I have a question for everyone who's posted about their spouse not being a member. I don't ask this to be critical, but merely out of curiosity. Why did you marry a non-member? Were you not a member yourself when you got married? Were you less active? Did you think you could get him/her to join? I find it interesting how many people in the church wish their spouses were members, and I wonder what choices could have been made differently. Again, I'm not trying to be critical, so please don't take it that way.

I was not active at the time and didn't know if I've ever be an active member. We did discuss religion prior to marriage. The decision was that I got to make the final decision for kids when it came to religion, but he doesn't have to follow what the rest of the family does. This decision still holds, however, I think it's because my husband wasn't raised with any religion. I think if there were a different religion involved it would be very difficult.

[Heckya]

I ache too. I want to share many things with my husband, however I don't want him to feel like I am trying to change him to be a Mormon. I don't want him this way unless this is his choice to be in the Church because he truely wants and believes in it.

How long have you been active in the church? I am just taking the steps to become active again. Currently, it's like I'm preparing myself to go back. I was wondering how your husband handles your decisions and if there are children involved. I'd love to know how it works for your family.

[Gatsby]

I'm sorry if this has already been addressed on the forums, but I'm new here and I admit I'm lazy about skimming all the past posts.

What do you think of new converts dating nonmembers? Do you think it's too hard because of temptations?

I'm curious because I'm a new convert and I'm have trouble finding young single LDS men in my area.

Tough question, for me, I didn't care, but I got my heart broken pretty bad this past Summer by a gal that wasn't LDS.

It all depends, if the person you like is very different than you then I suggest not to because many non-members think very differently than LDS.