MARRAIGE FOR THE OVER 30s

[Ray A]

I met my wife online as well. It seems to be the new way to meet people.

That's kind of s-c-a-r-y. I usually only go online to argue with anti-Mormons.

[Laureltree]

Ok.. Ray Lets be Silly, now lol ....Actually I've met some truly wonderful friends online and I feel blessed to have met them. My thougts are choose wisely, ask lots of questions, and be prayerful.

[Ray A]

Ok.. Ray Lets be Silly, now lol ....Actually I've met some truly wonderful friends online and I feel blessed to have met them. My thougts are choose wisely, ask lots of questions, and be prayerful.

Laurel, I've made some friends online too (on LDS boards). But in 8 years of posting I've only met one - Dan Peterson. And contrary to Internet hearsay, he doesn't eat much, and doesn't like donuts! LOL.

I'm usually prayerful. Always optimistic. BTW, I like your poetry. It's very passionate and meaningful.

[kona0197]

Speaking of the Holy Priesthood I think many take it for granted...

[COUNTRYBEAR]

Michaela, it seems that you and most other sister posters are determined to misunderstand me and focus on my supposed anger. There is no anger only sad observations which can be frustrating. I do not wish to join the FLDS neither do I expect to mary any women I choose that is as abusrd as it is sexiest.

The origonal question was dose being over 30, not a rfeturned missionary and a divorcee prevent me from remarrying beacuse I dont fit a sterotypical archtype of what a man should be in the 21st century. There is a growing problem amongst the sisters of discriminatory behaviour based on worldly outlooks.

A case in point. When my wife and I first got together some years ago we lived in a cwertain ward USA (outside Utah). I this ward the sisters were very rude to my wife they openly told her that beacuse she had no children she had to sit in the back of the church. She was openly discouraged and ignored in relief society and vertually outcast socialy. The discrimination was so bad we stoped going and eventually changed wards. This continuing thread of caustioc behaviour by the sisters from several wards lead to the lose of her faith and leaving the church, yes I am angy about that.

Given that such atttitudes exist among sisters I want to know from the sisters if there is any point me contiuing to search or am I destined to be left on the shelf gathering dust. If so fair enough sweep me into the recyclinbg I'll stop worrying about and get on with my singldom life and wait for the millenium with the rest of zions rejects.

ps: I am thinking of starting my own web site for the rejects of the church who are outcasts (male and female) so that we can fellowship wirthout worrying about weathger we are up to the standard or not, seriously-more to follow on this subj.

[michaela]

Countrybear,

I can only respond to what you've posted. The way you describe women as though we're all the same---you sound angry.

For what it's worth, when I was young and dating, I began to avoid RM's. The ones I knew acted as though they were God's gift to women because they were RM's---and I suppose I can't blame them for that. I clearly remember listening to one of the GA's speaking to us at Ricks. He asked the men what they were doing there: they should have been on a mission or married.

The RM's I dated were less than pure in heart. Everytime I went home, I was saddened. (I wasn't a raving beauty, so I definitely didn't inspire tremendous passion.) At the time, I lived in Utah so everyone within my social circle was Mormon. It was easy for me to find other friends/partners/dates who were LDS, but not necessarily RM.

I've never experienced the sort of treatment that you describe in your post, but I've heard other people talk about similar things. For what it's worth, I don't think being older, divorced, and not an RM makes you a reject. I did read somewhere on site that the purpose of dating is to find a spouse. I supposed that's true, but it is possible to socialize with others without the expectation of marriage. Starting as friends can be a good start.

I wish you the best.

michaela

[lagniappe]

Given the fact that I've never once come across a woman in the church like the type that you just mentioned, much less entire wards full of them, I'd say that you stand a pretty good chance of finding someone again. As long as you prepare yourself for her, and that would include healing yourself and forgiving the women that you speak of. I'm not saying those types of women aren't out there, but I think they must be in the minority because I've never met one. At least they are in my experience, and I've lived in and visited many different wards. I mentioned the situation to my mother, who is the stake relief society president of the neighboring stake, and she was appalled. She'd never come across anything like that in all her years of serving the RS.

Overwhelmingly the wome in the church that I know (married, single, divorced) are kind, thoughtful, and non-judgemental people. I find the idea of only being willing to date a RM odd, especially considering the fact that there are so many converts in the church these days. Many men never had the chance to go on a mission, and some that did have the chance weren't spiritually ready at the time. My father-in-law, who is also my bishop, didn't go on a mission (although he's always been a member) and he's one of the best men that I've ever known. I would never hold not going on a mission against him. And neither would most women that I know.

I think it would also help a great deal is if you could learn to be optimistic. I know it's hard not to be bitter in the situation that you're in. And trust me, I do know. My husband, who was raised in the church and went on a mission, left me last year and he came thisclose from completely aposticizing from the church. Luckily he's made an about face and we're on our way back to being together and he's regained his testimony, but there was a period of several months where I was sure I'd be back in the dating pool again. Going through that has been by leaps and bounds the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life and I'm extremely grateful that the Lord comforted me like he did, otherwise I know I would have fallen into a very severe depression and would probably still be in it. I forced myself to be optimistic (although I didn't always succeed) and know that if I didn't despair and that if I tried to be as Christ-like as I possibly could, that I would eventually be happy again...whether that meant happy single or happy married. Anyway, my point is that if you go into this thinking you'll fail then you will. If you go into it with a positive attitude then you're chances of finding someone again will improve tremendously. I assume you don't want a woman that would be attracted to despair and negativity. You want one that's drawn to light and joy.

Just my 2 cents.

[COUNTRYBEAR]

Lagniappe Check Out Smg On The Defying Mormon Perfectionism Thread You May Find That This Situation Is More Wide Spread Than You Think, Unfortunatlly.

[skalenfehl]

Lagniappe Check Out Smg On The Defying Mormon Perfectionism Thread You May Find That This Situation Is More Wide Spread Than You Think, Unfortunatlly.

Perhaps, but at the moment, the glass seems to be half empty right now based on your posts. I hope you can heal soon and find greener pastures. They are out there.

[lagniappe]

I'm sure it does happen, but I don't think it's as prolific as you think. (I imagine reality is somewhere in between our two vastly different perspectives.) If what happened to your wife happened in any of the wards I've been in, a serious smack down would have occurred, by the relief society president, by the bishop, and by the stake relief society president, for starters. I don't have any children and nobody has ever said anything about it to me. Not once.

But no matter how much this sort of thing does happen, the main point is that if you can't go forward with optimism then you're doing yourself a great disservice.

Good luck on your journey. I can emphathize quite a bit.

[Laureltree]

Thank you Ray ...

I do think this, instead of focusing on dating, try finding yourself, surround yourself with good people, let go of all the pain and focus on making yourself a better person. As you do this, you will meet much better individuals and you will be prepared for when you meet your spouse. Divorce is very hard, but when it hits both parties need the atonement;) one party to be forgiven for any sins they may have committed, the other forgiveness of anger, hurt, resenment, sadness,frusteration......:eek:because a sin is a sin.......even if its anger, I thought I was just hurt by my spouse leaving, I realized after I started putting the lord first.. I was angery and yes I had days where I thought ... I hate him, I hate him I hate him.......and after I worked that through it was why , Why , Why ...I was doing everything right, how could this happen to me...?

My point....We all must go through the atonement process, Mine was to forgive, let go, and learn to love unconditionally inspite of all the flaws and facts..... I needed to be to others, as christ is to me.....

You will find another spouse and she will be amazing... but in order for that to happen, you need to not focus on what she did and let it go, and let yourself get to where you need to be : so that you are prepared for celstial mate when you meet her. It doesn't matter who wronged who, it matters what direction you are going, and what place your hearts in.

just my 2 cents..........

[Elgama]

Bear I do feel your pain our branch and stake were a disaster until 5 years ago when we got an amazing new Stake President who changed things around - we got a wonderful new branch President and within 5 years our branch has grown and become a wonderful place, Turned out to be only 1 sister responsible for all the hurt over 20 years (well not entirely we all played our part in the wedge of discouragement that nearly destroyed our branch)

-Charley