Nonmember Husband

[fiona84]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site but am hopeful it can help me gain some insight.

I am a convert, and no one in my family (save a cousin) is LDS. I joined as a teenager.

After high school, I moved abroad and met and married a wonderful nonmember. It was easier for me to accept that he was a nonmember as I was so far removed from any LDS influence. He was accepting of my beliefs and I remember clear as day when he proposed, before i said yes, I said "I just need to have your word we will raise our family Mormon." He agreed.

We stayed abroad for a few years. My husband took the missionary discussions, went to church sometimes, and I felt so hopeful.

Then, he kind of freaked out about and shyed away from the church. I was understanding, supportive.

I became only semi-active, as was easy to do considering I lived where there weren't many members and no one in my life was LDS. I guess I didn't like to deal with the reality that my husband was not a member.

We have been married nearly four years. I have been "half-active" but recently feeling the Spirit to be fully active again. The Spirit is stronger with me than it has been in years.

I am dealing with some tough feelings regarding my husband. I admitted to him that for a time I felt guilty about marrying him. Like, I was going against my patriarchal blessing which told me I would have the priesthood in my home and be married in the temple. I felt like I had let God down. But I love my husband so much, I don't really understand.

Did I go against God's wishes by marrying him or was it meant to be? Is Satan keeping him from joining? I prayed about it and felt that my husband is the right one for me, but then I doubt if that is truly what Heavenly Father wanted from me.

These arent questions I expect you to have answers to, but I guess I would just like some advice and insight.

I have been slowly trying to bring him back to the point he was at when he was getting discussions---receptive, if not enthusiastic. I have prayed with him and spoken to him more about the gospel. We took a trip to Utah and I know he felt the Spirit at the temple as he was moved to tears.

What is the best way to go forward? Should I let go of my guilt or concede that I made a wrong turn? How can it be a wrong turn when I love him? What if he never converts?

Thanks for listening....

[HomeAgain]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site but am hopeful it can help me gain some insight.

I am a convert, and no one in my family (save a cousin) is LDS. I joined as a teenager.

After high school, I moved abroad and met and married a wonderful nonmember. It was easier for me to accept that he was a nonmember as I was so far removed from any LDS influence. He was accepting of my beliefs and I remember clear as day when he proposed, before i said yes, I said "I just need to have your word we will raise our family Mormon." He agreed.

We stayed abroad for a few years. My husband took the missionary discussions, went to church sometimes, and I felt so hopeful.

Then, he kind of freaked out about and shyed away from the church. I was understanding, supportive.

I became only semi-active, as was easy to do considering I lived where there weren't many members and no one in my life was LDS. I guess I didn't like to deal with the reality that my husband was not a member.

We have been married nearly four years. I have been "half-active" but recently feeling the Spirit to be fully active again. The Spirit is stronger with me than it has been in years.

I am dealing with some tough feelings regarding my husband. I admitted to him that for a time I felt guilty about marrying him. Like, I was going against my patriarchal blessing which told me I would have the priesthood in my home and be married in the temple. I felt like I had let God down. But I love my husband so much, I don't really understand.

Did I go against God's wishes by marrying him or was it meant to be? Is Satan keeping him from joining? I prayed about it and felt that my husband is the right one for me, but then I doubt if that is truly what Heavenly Father wanted from me.

These arent questions I expect you to have answers to, but I guess I would just like some advice and insight.

I have been slowly trying to bring him back to the point he was at when he was getting discussions---receptive, if not enthusiastic. I have prayed with him and spoken to him more about the gospel. We took a trip to Utah and I know he felt the Spirit at the temple as he was moved to tears.

What is the best way to go forward? Should I let go of my guilt or concede that I made a wrong turn? How can it be a wrong turn when I love him? What if he never converts?

Thanks for listening....

Thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely relate as my husband is not a member anymore. He joined shortly before we married, and then became disaffected several years later. I left the church because it was easier on my marriage, but have recently come back.

The best advice I can give is to not worry about your husband. Just focus on being the best wife you can be, and living the gospel. Be happy in your decisions. Where we go wrong is when we try to control other's actions. We have to respect and accept their decisions. I know this is very difficult because we so want to have the blessings of temple marriage.

But I know that Heavenly Father does not want us to "throw away" a good marriage because it isn't exactly what we want. There are many many members in this situation. We can seek them out for counsel. Try to let go of the past, and your expectations, and live in the moment, with an eye to the future.

I know it's so hard to let go ... That doesn't mean you can't continue to hope for your husband's conversion. But try setting it aside for awhile, and see if it doesn't improve your relationship. It sounds like he is a good man.

[skippy740]

You can only LOVE people into the gospel, not GUILT them.

You're really not being fair to him to tell him that you've felt guilty about marrying him. You married him for WHO he is. I'd say that it's rather selfish to expect him to change to make you happy.

While you may be feeling the Spirit, do you think it could be a dividing factor in your home? Satan doesn't want you to be happy either.

So, what do you do from here?

Be the BEST example you can be by loving your husband. Love him for WHO he is and the person he is. You need to feel the Spirit in your home, and it will take BOTH of you to do that. If you're going to desire his full conversion (and you're willing to be patient), then you need to show that YOU are willing to live by the gospel standards.

You will feel alone doing this for some time. It may take a couple of YEARS before he may follow you in your example. Are you willing to do that?

Work on yourself first, then invite your husband to join you in a spirit of love, not of any kind of guilt.

Just my thoughts.

[bjwmerrill]

I understand your frustration. I am in very similar circumstances. I was inactive when I met my husband. I told him about my religion and knew that the day would come when I would be back. "No problem" he said. Then I became active. What a jolt for him! He asked why we couldn't go to church for an hour on Sunday like 'normal people'. We have been together for almost 22 years now. I also know that I belong with him, through personal revelation. Also, my Patriarchal Blessing mentions specifics about Temple Marriage, etc. All I can tell you is what a very wise Relief Society president once told me (who was also married to a non-member). "Just love him, just love him!" I pray continually that his heart will be softened, AND IT HAS BEEN! Have patience and wait on God. Have faith that he will come through. Good luck to you!

[Guest User-Removed]

Might I ask what country your husband was born and reared in?

[Aphrodite]

Fiona, You must have married him because you love him. If you still do then whats the problem?? You married him knowing full well he wasnt a member. You have to accept all that entails. He might never join. It shouldnt matter if yu have a loving and stable relationship. I would stand by my husband no matter what he did religiously. I didnt marry him for the church, I married him because I was madly in love with him. The church comes second to him and always will. Thats how it should be xx

[bjwmerrill]

Nebraska, USA

[fiona84]

Thank you all.

Skippy, I certainly dont expect him to change to make me happy. When I told him I felt guilty, it was just because I thought....that since I married a nonmember, I had gone against what Heavenly Father wanted. And I think the guilt that I felt was coming between us, which is why I pulled away from the church a bit. Now that I am feeling the Spirit more than ever, I came clean with my husband....told him I had felt somewhat guilty. Maybe I shouldn't have? I also told him that I feel that I am meant to be with him...but I still struggle. I totally hear what you're saying. I shouldn't put any pressure on him.

MyDogSkip, he was born and raised in Scotland.

You have no idea how good it makes me feel to be told just to love him. I love him so much, and I DONT want the church to come between us. I will take all of your advice to heart! I think maybe I have been too worried about him converting.

For those of you who have inactive/nonmember husbands....do you feel sad on Sundays? Because I sit there in sacrament and look at these couples and feel kind of sad. Again, maybe thats selfish.

Thanks again! :-)

[Guest tomk]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site but am hopeful it can help me gain some insight.

I am a convert, and no one in my family (save a cousin) is LDS. I joined as a teenager.

After high school, I moved abroad and met and married a wonderful nonmember. It was easier for me to accept that he was a nonmember as I was so far removed from any LDS influence. He was accepting of my beliefs and I remember clear as day when he proposed, before i said yes, I said "I just need to have your word we will raise our family Mormon." He agreed.

We stayed abroad for a few years. My husband took the missionary discussions, went to church sometimes, and I felt so hopeful.

Then, he kind of freaked out about and shyed away from the church. I was understanding, supportive.

I became only semi-active, as was easy to do considering I lived where there weren't many members and no one in my life was LDS. I guess I didn't like to deal with the reality that my husband was not a member.

We have been married nearly four years. I have been "half-active" but recently feeling the Spirit to be fully active again. The Spirit is stronger with me than it has been in years.

I am dealing with some tough feelings regarding my husband. I admitted to him that for a time I felt guilty about marrying him. Like, I was going against my patriarchal blessing which told me I would have the priesthood in my home and be married in the temple. I felt like I had let God down. But I love my husband so much, I don't really understand.

Did I go against God's wishes by marrying him or was it meant to be? Is Satan keeping him from joining? I prayed about it and felt that my husband is the right one for me, but then I doubt if that is truly what Heavenly Father wanted from me.

These arent questions I expect you to have answers to, but I guess I would just like some advice and insight.

I have been slowly trying to bring him back to the point he was at when he was getting discussions---receptive, if not enthusiastic. I have prayed with him and spoken to him more about the gospel. We took a trip to Utah and I know he felt the Spirit at the temple as he was moved to tears.

What is the best way to go forward? Should I let go of my guilt or concede that I made a wrong turn? How can it be a wrong turn when I love him? What if he never converts?

Thanks for listening....

I wouldn't waste another second thinking or worrying about things you cannot go back and change.

The question is - what can be done to help the situation as it stands now?

The only person you can go about "fixing" is yourself. And even in that, you will need the Lord's power to make the needed changes. Your husband has his agency. He must choose to follow the Lord. You can't force him. Even God cannot "make" him want to, nor would God try to force him. He will be helped most by your living the Gospel as best you can. Stay close to the Lord, and He will guide you and bless you and make the needed changes in your husband (as he become willing).

I ran across a verse the other day, and I think I may know why I did now. I thought it was for me, but perhaps it can help you as well:

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

These verses describe the attributes of Christ. They are how He is, and they describe how He chooses to work with us. He is patient and long-suffering. He is kind. He is loving. His love and interest in us are pure and unfeigned.

This same model is for us to use in our interactions with our families as well.

Stay close to the Lord. This may be a journey of many years, maybe decades. Look for the smallest changes in your husband, then run to the Lord and thank Him for those changes in your husband. Gratitude will unlock many doors!

Good luck.

Tom

[NeuroTypical]

Hi fiona,

You asked for advice, so I'm going to give some. People tell me I can be a bit blunt, to the point of being offensive. Please understand that this is the same way I give myself advice.

What is the best way to go forward? Should I let go of my guilt or concede that I made a wrong turn? How can it be a wrong turn when I love him? What if he never converts?

You should continue to let your husband know that he is a dissapointment and frustration to you because he is who he is.

Does this sound mean? Well, maybe you should stop doing it then. Stop making him suffer for your change in priorities.

Or, I suppose you could always destroy his peace and family by divorcing him.

If you want to decide what to do, look at your options - not your desires.

LM

[ztodd]

I don't know what would be keeping him from joining, but take heart in the fact that he is a good man (from how it sounds). As long as he is sincerely trying to do the right thing and follow God, and keeps doing that, then everything will come together for you both. Have faith that it will.

[ruthiechan]

PRAY.

Pray about what you can do for your husband.

Pray to be calm of heart, and clear of mind.

Pray for the Spirit to be with you.

Pray for the spirit of discernment so you'll know what to do for your family.

Pray for happiness, and for strength, for faith.

Pray about what to say, when to say, how to say, and when to hold your tongue.

Pray for what it is you can change in yourself so you can be more devoted to your husband.

Pray about finding all the positive things in your life and marriage.

My husband is not a member either, and my Patriarchal Blessing also talks about having a Temple marriage. He is a wonderful man and true to his word. He has helped me immensely in my life and has been a great blessing to me. Our daughter and I go to church on Sunday, we participate in other church activities, but never at the expense of spending time with Daddy. I have discovered that my husband needs to see me happy in the church. If I'm just sad all the time because he's not a member then he'll become angry with the church and that's the last thing I want.

[Sister_M]

Hi, I can fully relate to what you are saying. My situation was different in that we were both fully active when we got married and sealed in the Mesa Temple. My husband started going inactive 2 years into our marriage and recently told me he has no desire to go to church at all, ever again. I feel like I'm being torn in half and now we've been married 10 years and have 3 children who do not have parents united in their beliefs. It's easy to say just focus on being a good wife and continue to just be understanding and hopefully in time he will come around, but I can also see the side where you feel like you are letting the Lord down. I can say you aren't, He loves you no matter what. The issue isn't really about letting Heavenly Father down, it's a feeling of have we let ourselves down by not being true to what we know to be correct. It's very complicated and I whole-heartedly understand. My marriage has suffered in many ways due to my husband's now non-belief of the gospel and at times I feel we are on shakey ground. It is different because you did marry your husband knowing he wasn't LDS so I guess it's even more difficult for you because you can't just now turn around and say you don't love him anymore because he isn't LDS as that wouldn't be fair, and it sounds as though you do indeed still love each other. Come here to feed your spirit and for support, there are so many kind people on this site who are understanding...but remember to listen to your own voice and to the Holy Ghost. Just know you aren't alone.

[HomeAgain]

Sundays ...

Yes, Fiona, Sundays can be lonely days in a part-member home but since I left the church and have come back I've taken a broader view of life and religion. Here are some strategies that work for me:

- pretend your husband is on a business trip and unable to attend church with you (hey, it's all in our minds anyway ... if it works, you can even pretend he's an area authority and away on church business. Ha!)

- focus all your attention on how great it is to be in church, receiving a spiritual banquet that will sustain you for the week ahead

- remember that even temple marriages have trials, so don't assume they are PERFECT

- remember that our patriarchial blessings cover mortality AND eternity, so just because temple marriage hasn't happened yet, it doesn't mean it might not in the future!

- pretend you are already an eternal family. heck, I'm not even sure you have to pretend. Heavenly Father wants all his children to have eternal families. So, like Elder Eyring said: If you want to increase your faith that you are a child of God, ACT like it. If you want to increase your faith that you are an eternal family, ACT LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY an eternal family.

- strengthen your marriage by creating fun routines and rituals. On weekends my husband still enjoys drinking coffee while reading the newspaper, and while the kids watched their cartoons. He also likes to have a glass or two of wine occasionally on weekends while we watch videos. At first, it was a bit awkward when I went back to church and began obeying the Word of Wisdom again. BUT, now I have decided to keep the SPIRIT of our rituals alive:

I ordered a fun hot cocoa maker and downloaded a bunch of non-alcoholic drink recipes. So while he has his coffee, I sip my cocoa. When he has a drink, I can also have something cool and refreshing. We can still spend the time together and relax even though I'm adhering to my standards. I'm not expecting him to conform to my ways. I just want to have fun so he sees that church isn't about limiting life, but expanding it.

I think it's really important to have fun routines. We have started having family home evenings with the kids every week. It's not always a lesson out of the scriptures. Sometimes we go swimming at the Y, or bike riding. Just SPEND time having fun together.

Hope these ideas are helpful!!