Bookmeister

Some of the best words have come from folks looking for something to swear with without having to use the real thing. Frack, of course. And Smeg (from Red Dwarf...i.e. What a stupid smegging thing to do!) And from a movie called Johnny Dangerously, the following: Icehole corksucking fargin bastage! And such nifty bits as "my sainted aunt agatha's greasy bloomers" and "you horrible little man, you!"

Now I have to get rid of my chickens, and no more sacrifices by the light of a full moon....Dang, and that was the best part!!!

Anyone who falls outside the stereotypical mormon family probably feels things like you do, in greater or lesser amounts. I'm not divorced, but my wife is a non-member and we've never been able to have children (and now I'm too old and selfish...LOL). This seems to confuse or disturb other church members; they feel funny talking about their kids, and they can't try to set me up with some nice middle-aged LDS widow/single sister. Or even more fun, imagine getting an invitation for you and your (non-member) spouse to attend the "Empty Nesters" monthly family home evening? That was good for a chuckle or two. But Heavenly Father knows why we're there, and that's the most important thing. You'll end up doing just fine, despite some of our brothers and sisters who start talking without thinking.

Men own things like Microsoft, and Apple, and other huge multinational corporations. Women own the "Yarn Barn" and hair salons with cutsey names like "A Cut Above." Men can laugh about farts. Women don't ever fart. Men understand that they are there to lift heavy things. Women want men to rearrange furniture. Men have three pairs of shoes; black, brown, and running...and boots for hunting. Women have three pairs of shoes...for each day of the week. Men understand that they are there to fix problems. Women just want to talk about problems until they go away. Men know that a lighted oil light in the car is a serious matter. Women ignore the light waiting for a buzzer to go off meaning "this is a serious matter." But the real, honest difference between men and women is this (in as polite a bit of language as I can make it) Women can have sex anytime they want to. Men can have sex anytime a woman wants to.

Not to cause any additional debate...but climate change has been a constant since the time the planet even had a climate. Earth's weather patterns cycle from hot to cold, wet to dry, cloudy to sunny, all the time. It's just that these changes usually happen over longer periods of time. Sooooo...what might this mean? Well, probably that our weather is going to change some, whether we want it to or not. I guess that we'll just have to adapt to these changing conditions. JUST LIKE WE'VE HAD TO COPE WITH ALL OF THE OTHER FREAKING CHANGES IN OUR LIVES !!!!!! Okay, I'm better now since the pills started working. Thanks.

There are bad people, and anyone who doesn't believe this must live in a cave somewhere in Lalaland. There are bad people, and therefore there must be good people who "deal" with bad people. There are bad people, and sometimes it's both necessary and appropriate to kill them. I don't know why some people are bad, but for me the important point is that there are bad people. There have always been bad people, and there will always (at least until things are settled in the End) be bad people. And I can generally tell the bad people from the ordinary and/or good people.

And the so-called Fairness Doctrine will never be put into place...especially by those of a more liberal bent. Why, you might ask? Because they'd have to let the NRA advertise on the major networks! And that ain't never gonna happen.

Television is a tool of Satan (except for the BYU channel and anything shown on the military channel, the gun channel, or Star Trek). Digital converter boxes are tools of Satan that work only on old black and white TVs with vacuum tubes and screens smaller than 7 inches. Satellite is a tool of Satan (except for the BYU channel and anything shown on the military channel, the gun channel, or Star Trek). The only way to avoid Satan is to either throw your TV out completely, or watch shows only on the BYU channel and anything shown on the military channel, the gun channel, or Star Trek. The Show Survivor is a tool of Satan, even if it is shown on the BYU channel, on the military channel, the gun channel, or Star Trek.

Some folks only have one shelf to clean. Others have an entire bookcase of shelves to clean. Me? Well, come on into my library room :)

If you subscribe to more than one "Country Living" type of magazine... If, after having (insert your number here) kids, you still think the little ones in the next pew are cute.... If you have ever walked out of a movie in the first ten minutes... If you actually tried counting all the mirrors you could see in the reflection when you were being sealed... If you answer all of the temple recommend questions just after saying, "Hello, Bishop...." If you fret over wondering if finding a dollar bill means HF gets a dime..... If the first thing you do when you see a new female member of the ward is look at her left hand (of course, this applies only if you're single...and male)... If you leave sacrament meeting ten minutes early just to turn up the heat in the relief society room... If you have your bishopric, quorum leaders, and home teachers' phone numbers in your cell phone....on speed dial....

So, since we can't have children, and can't afford to adopt, I guess we're going to Hell.

I think I'm like one of the "other" seven dwarves...Stupie, Smelly, Stinky, Stingy, Dummy, Crappy, and Gas. Or maybe the Genie?

Well, "vegetarian" is an old indian word meaning "bad hunter". Besides, I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to graze at the salad bar. However, having made my humorous comments, I have to say that since I had a gastric bypass operation in May of this year, I've eaten virtually no beef, chicken, or turkey, and most of my "meat" intake has been limited to shrimp (and if God had wanted man to eat fish, He would have put hooves on them). Everything else is pretty much vegetarian in nature. So far, I seem to be doing okay, although I have to admit that I miss prime rib something fierce.

Where do I find out more about the giant pink elephants?

I don't know exactly where it goes. What I do know is that I go outside and through all of my money up into the air. The Lord takes his ten percent and I keep the rest (at least I assume He takes His ten percent, since I never seem to be able to find more than 90 percent of what I tossed up there). Just kidding, of course, but I do know the money is used wisely and often helps not only keep the ward buildings heated, but enables the Bishops and stake leaders to help those who need some financial assistance, for example.

So, if Yellowstone did explode, then we could have our ice cream with "hot sauce", right?

If you wrapped it around itself several times, it would look very much like a bugle. Since there are no valves, like those of a standard trumpet, it plays only in major intervals; you can't sound accidentals such as sharps and flats (which are the same thing, only different). It can sound great, especially in chorus, but it really isn't any good for playing the blues...:)

Rosie...any chance she's just getting married to someone with whom she's in love? The last thing she needs is anyone (trust me, I've been through this) wondering why she "couldn't do better by marrying someone already a member of the church". Sorry to sound so harsh, but unless you've been subjected to that crap, you have no real idea just how that sounds.

It's funny, or maybe my ability to be "invisible" at church really works, but I haven't had a calling for quite a long time. It's not like I've been asked to serve and declined the call; I just haven't been asked. Or maybe someone knows something they shouldn't and has communicated this to the Bishop? I kinda doubt it. I'm more inclined just to think that the Bishop hasn't been prompted to make a call. This is why I sustain a person who has been called. As far as I know, the Lord has prompted the Bishop, and who am I to argue with the Lord...LOL.

"The Exorcist" scared the living (insert emphatic word of your choice here) out of me, and I was 19 at the time. I ended up looking for a lost quarter on the floor of the theater rather than watch the movie. My girlfriend at the time thought it was cheesy and laughed quite a lot. I ended up spending the night asleep on a couch in the dorm main area, which was lighted 24 hours a day. I just don't really care for scary movies, especially zombies! I have enough of those "running but never escaping" nightmares to compensate for anything I might otherwise be missing. :)

NOT Frosty the Snowman, but.... Frosty the Hitman, He's on the job this week... And it might be you or some arab dude or a russian, or a greek. With guns and knives and bombs, and poison's not too much. He'll waltz right in with a great big grin And take you out at lunch. NOT It came upon the midnight clear, but..... It came to Europe on tiny little feet, fat rats carrying fleassssss. With microbes all nestled so warm and snug, it was a loathsome disease. The Plague, the Plague, the Black Death, It killed Twenty Million or more. It left huge boils upon the skin, Please stack your dead by the door. NOT Let it snow, but...... Oh, the weather outside is frightful, so I went and got my rifle. And I wandered down to the mallllllllllllll. And shot 'em all, shot 'em all, shot 'em all. Oh, the fire is slowly dyin' and the kids they are a-crying. and there's blood spattered on the waaaahallllllllll, at the mall, at the mall, at the mall. NOT Oh Christmas Tree, but...... Oh Christmas tree, oh christmas tree, why in the heck did you fall on me????? Hurt my neck in several places, now I need to get new braces, Oh Christmas tree, oh christmas tree, why in the heck did you fall on me?????

I don't know the rules of grammar, nor do I care to learn them. I write well simply because I've read so many books that I can't write any other way. So there....pppbbbbttttt

Federal law clearly states that the militia consists of all able bodied men (and now presumably women) between the ages of 17 and 58, who are not already serving in the military. The various national guard units are not the "militia", and neither are military reserve units. Also under federal law, the use of regular army active duty troops is not allowed within the continental US. This does not apply to state national guard units, since those units are first under the control of the state government, not the federal government. Now, am I stupid enough to believe that an out-of-control federal government wouldn't bring regular army (and yes, I'm including the navy and air force, although getting a battleship to Denver could be problematical) into the streets? Nope. Would government leaders who supported the use of military personnel to enforce federal and state laws actually live very long after taking that position, particularly if someone's Aunt Suzie was blown away as a "looter"? I don't think so. It's interesting to me how varied the "checks and balances" system of our government work. If you can't do it above-board and legal, then you just gotta do it underhanded and illegal.

Communism being, of course, a totalitarian governmental process which takes the effort of all the little people to provide for the extravagant lifestyles of the few at the top of the heap...:) As for the rest of it, it reminds me of those ads you can find the classified pages of the Inquirer and other scholarly journals of that ilk (FYI, an ilk is just a big deer)...you know, the ones that say things like........ ALIEN ABDUCTION PLANS REVEALED!!! AMERICAN GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED BY LEFT WING/RIGHT WING/FRONT WING!!! BATBOY TO SEEK SENATE SEAT!! MARY POPPINS IS REAL...AND LIVING IN DULUTH!!! BIG THREE AUTOMAKERS TO SEEK GOVERNMENT BAILOUT MONEY!!! (oh, wait, that one was true) ALL AMERICAN UNDERWEAR NOW MADE IN PAKISTAN!!! (which may be true, as well) NOSTRADAMUS AND MILTON BERLE ARE RELATIVES!!! CLINT EASTWOOD ACTUALLY MICHAEL JACKSON IN DISGUISE!!! and my very personal favorite... MARTIANS GAIN CONTROL OF PLANET KOLOB, ANGELS IN TURMOIL!!!

How come there are braille buttons on the ATM at the drive-through? How come we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway? Doesn't the whole notion of "jumbo" shrimp seem just a bit odd? If olive oil comes from olives, and peanut oil comes from peanuts, where does baby oil come from? Is the reason that Taco Bell tacos taste so weird because they're fried in Oil of Olay? and finally, The reason we push harder on the tv remote is because we're trying to get the last of the electricity out...just like we do when we squeeze hard getting the last of the toothpaste out of the tube.