countrygirl66

hi daniel, I am sure you have ask yourself why you don't feel any remorse. A have thought a lot about this because of my best friend that I grew up with. We were so close and went such different paths in life. I don't think our challenges in life were so different but I really feel like she never thought much about it. I spend a lot of time thinking about the why of things until I am able to gain a testimony of the principle. I still love her but life has been rough for her. She just had a terrible bought with cancer and when we were talking she said oh the church has been good but you know church is not for me. I can't beleive that we grew up the same. I love her and it hurts that she just goes through the motions in many things not really thinking about it. I spent a LOT of time thinking about this particular thing and the why before I was married. For me the why came from praying and reading and pondering. For me it came down to is this supposed to have spiritual sides to it or should it be just carnal. I think you know the answer I got. Please go to you bishop and be honest about your feelings. I have a son 15 who is there right now. The process is slow but the bishop is guiding him in finding the way to soften his heart. I think satan lies to us and says well you made the wrong decision now you have to stay with it. Not true. We can all change the path we are walking for good or bad at any time. I am sure you can still feel the spirit at times but are you listening to what it is saying? Are you taking the fact that you feel it to mean that you have done no wrong. Sometimes the spirit is crying out to us to come back. But as was said in other posts if you ignore what it is saying it will leave. Good luck with all of this. My prayers are with you that you will listen to the spirit.

hi secret sister, I just wanted to say something else, my h used blowing up and critisizm as a way of releiving pressure. Effective for hime devastaing for me. It is a behavior that has to be changed for you to survive. Take gentle care of yourself. Remember that heavenly father loves and values his daughters just as much as his sons.

hi athome I know your wanting to know what will happen when you talk to the bishop and this probably isn't exactly what you meant (however) You will be on the path to repentance and making yourself stronger. You will begin to have someone help you figure out why this happened in the first place. You will be growing. (not my favorite but one I do often) Whatever dicipline comes will be what it is, trust me we are all in the bishops chair eventually if not today then tomorrow. That is part of our learning. We learn from all of our experiences even the difficult ones. Take care and be brave and know we have all been there (thank heaven literally for repentance).

hi secret sister It took a long time and many try and fail things. Ultimately what happened and i think this is common with depression he started to have other health issues. I started going to the doctor with him. When we were at a doctors appointment (i had prayed a lot for the strength to do this), I just blurted it all out to the doctor that I thought he was depressed and it was affecting his other health. (important to note that he felt like i had betrayed him by saying it outloud in front of the doctor) He was definitely raised in the don't air your dirty laundry in public setting. Finally the doctor had the information (i think my h would have never been able to verbalize it) and he gave him zoloft to try and see how he felt. Interestingly his overall health improved so it gave my h a physical reason to take it (he says he takes it so he won't be dizzy) but the overall effect was a major change in our relationship. Now that he was able to function better we could begin to work on other things in our marriage. It has not been easy and we still have our ups and downs, but it has been worth it. My h father had such a huge influence on him as a child that i think it is the main reason that he will never admit to mental illness, however I have been able to track the behavior through the family. His grandpa, father, him, his sister. It is interesting that once he started using antidepressants so did his sister because it kind of made it ok. We joke about it now off and on and are ok with the subject. His doctor asked him last year if he wanted to try not taking the zoloft and he said you will have to take that discussion up with my wife. It wasn't a magic answer but it gave us the ability to work forward. My h isn't someone that will probably ever go to therapy and I have to stand my ground on certain things 1. he takes the pills no exceptions. (i have even pointed out to him that it isn't worth being dizzy) 2. we go out on the weekend even if it is a malt at mcdonalds.(i need to destress and so does he even though he thinks he doesn't) 3. He cares a lot of what people think so i do not betray his confidences when he finally tells me about something that happened that affected him deeply. Our marriage almost broke over this and I had to do a lot of praying and soul searching to know what was right for me. I had to pray daily to see what heavenly father saw (a child of his struggling to find his way in the dark). That didn't mean to excuse his behavior but i finally got to a point that even if our marriage didn't suceed i wanted to see him find a better way to live. (make any sense?) It is interesting to me that (my h was an unbeleviable name caller without the meds) he doesn't have any memory of the things he said or the names he called me. He in later years has apologized but really has no memory of it. (I think that was a part of the issue he was behaving like a wounded animal at times) I just wanted my h that i fell in love with. Take gentle care of yourself.

hi hoosier Please keep writing. I have been in a dark place myself lately, writing those feelings can help you get through it. You may feel that noone would miss you, but have you thought that heavenly father has you where you are for a reason and he would miss you help and talants that only you have. I have really, really challenging neighbors on either side of me and somethimes think why couldn't i just have had neighbors that were low maintanence. But we are told to grow where we are planted sometimes the soil isn't very good and the circimstances are difficult. You have something to offer that you may not even be aware of. Keep writing your feelings it does help. Take care.

hi angela Sorry it is so hard for you. Wanted to share a few things if it is ok. I am the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I don't really fit in either and have finally gotten to where that is ok. It is still sometimes hard when you see it announced in sacrament meeting or RS that so and so is struggling and the whole ward moves to action, bla bla bla. It isn't that I don't want them to have that but i feel sometime that if my house were on fire they would drive by and give me the nieghborly wave and the end. I live in a ward with really good people but i just don't feel comfortable. I want to give you a couple of suggestions that have helped me if ok. First I would only concentrate on making one friendship at a time my suggestion would be an older sister in the ward. That was mine and for me they are more patient, understanding of difficult situations and have more time. I don't know about your background but i know mine is a very difficult childhood. Experiences like this just make a change in how we think and act and that is ok. It has been my experience that a lot of people that we attend church with haven't been down that road, but some have and it takes a while to find them. One of my best friends in the ward I didn't meet until I had lived here about 3 years. Be patient with yourself and know that heavenly father is very aware of you. The last thing you might think about is contacting the leader of the high priests to assign a highpriest couple to be your home teachers. They are usually a little more mature and can sometimes meet the needs of a single mom better than a priesthood holder alone. I would encourage you to keep asking for what you need. You are helping to train the brethren how to effectively help a single sister. I think with me when I ask and keep asking for what I need I am helping someone sister or brother to learn how to meet the needs of someone with a bad family background. Hang in there and keep trying. I have to remind myself all the time that I don't want to give my blessings away by not being active because of the unknowing insensitivity of others. You are in my prayers. We need sisters like you in our wards, because you help us to grow and learn how to help those that will come after you. Take gentle care of yourself and do the best you can.

hi nibowaka i did respond to your post and then came back and couldn't find it. I don't know where to look for it either. Just wanted you to know that you were not forgotten

hi secret sister, I don't have much advice for you but wanted to say i am here for support. I have been married to my h for 23 yrs. When we started out our marriage my h would say some awful things and be really critical of me and the more i tried to please him the worse he was. It took us a long time to find the answers to make our marriage work, it was a combination of things. One he is now on an anitidepressant but still doesn't like to admit that is what it is. That made all the difference in the world. He was raised in a family where anything like mental issues were seen as weakness. So it is still hard for him to accept. Second he was raised in an extremely critical enviorment and didn't see anything wrong with being the same way. He works at it constantly. 3rd his mom's job in life was to keep his dad happy so in comparison i was a failure. We have worked hard to make a happy marriage and i feel like we have one. It was not easy, but i would say stand up for yourself it is ok. You don't have to be unkind but you need to have value. I hope things get better, i know there are no easy answers. Take care.

hi metal head Just wanted to say that my son who is 18 has had been in scremo bands since he was about 13 and loves it. He has had his own style of dressing and hair since he was about 15. He definitely doesn't fit into the "traditional" church boy appearance. Sometimes it has been a huge struggle for him with church because he is friends with a huge variety of people. And many of them don't fit the mold either. In many ways it has helped him to grow his relationship with heavenly father. He will be 19 in december and knows who his heavenly father is. He has always been a good kid in my eyes. He has never given us any real trouble. Sometimes it is just hard for people to see that you can play lead guitar and scream for a band and bless the sacrament on sunday. They really do both fit together just fine. I am sorry your struggling right now. Hang in there. Heavenly father knows who you are and loves you. It will get easier as you grow to know your heavenly father. My 15 yr old son loves video games and laughs when I try to play with him (I am not very good). Just be yourself and include your heavenly father in your struggles and you will become closer to him. I can't promise that life will get easier, but you will be able to deal with the problems that come your way better if you take them to the lord. My son asks for help before he goes on stage and I think heavenly father gives it to him. I know where I live sometimes I think there is a mistaken idea of who heavenly father is there to help and love. I think he wants to help all and doesn't expect us to fit a mold to help us. In my case I have seen him use the individuality of my boys to accomplish things others haven't been able to. My son and his band were driving to the studio and talking about religion. He is the only one that is lds. They asked a lot about the church and it's beleifs. He was able to reassure them that we are christian and point out how many things they have in common with beleif. They did tell him that he was the only mormon they would have asked because they didn't want to be converted but they had questions. My 15 yr old son has a friend that only leaves the house when he comes here to play video games. I think my son is the only friend he has. I think heavenly father uses my sons great heart and his love of video games to reach this other boy and give him an out from home. I hope some of this encourage you a little. I guess what I wanted to say most is that being different is a good thing. And if you don't fit in with your church group now that is ok, I never really did. The most important thing is getting to know your heavenly father.

welcome and congratulations

hi unsteady, I am the all time winner of trust issues. Something that is very slow to change so here is my advice for what it is worth. Talk to him about your goal to go to the temple and your and his tesitmonys. Try reading scriptures together if he is open to that. See if he is open to talking about his feeling for the gospel. I find this helps me to be in a place to know where to go next. You will have to trust him eventually, and boy is that hard. Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have but so worth it. My h and I are so different where i struggle he shines and where he struggles it seems easy for me.

hi sorry your struggling with your faith right now. I would say to you hold on, keep doing what you are and it will come. There was a really tough time in my life when i was a kid that all i could hold onto were the teachings. I didn't think i was being helped or that god could hear me. I later realized that i was in so much pain and distress that i couldn't recognize how he was there for me. I am forever grateful that i held on because it kept my life in order so when i was in a better place there was nothing that had to be repaired before i could move forward. I might also share and experience, my 15 year old son is not sure if the church is true or if joseph smith was a prophet, he hates seminary right now and in general has an attitude. He gets pretty grumpy over the whole church thing right now. What i see is an opportunity for him to really question and gain his own testimony. I have told him often that he has to attend seminary and other church programs because he can't have the experience of growing and having a change of heart if he isn't there. Bless you for going on your own even though your struggling. The other thing that we have been trying to make him understand is that we all hear the spirit in different ways. For me it is kind of always there, for my h it kind of hits him over the head when necessary. We are all different and heavenly father know that so he treats in a way that is best for each of us. In my sons life I can see heavenly father working even though he can't. My son is blessed with a great deal of compassion for others and is constantly having opportunities to use it. Take care and hang in there.

hi deadinside this is a really hard post for me to write but it may help you. I am somewhat in your wifes position. If you think she doesn't know your probably wrong. My h hasn't lost testimony or anything like that and he is a good man probably the best i know. I love him dearly. We have been married 23 yrs. He loves me but most definitely is not in love with me. He thinks I don't know that, beleive me I do. Women are probably more emotional than men and easily pick up on things like that. I married my h when I was 19 and was married in the temple to him. I really beleived he was in love with me like I was him. (remember that I know he loves me but also know he is not in love with me). I noticed and immediate change the day after I said I do. Sometimes it hurts so much the emotional distance that he puts between us. I have a good life and am grateful for it. I will honestly tell you that when someone tells me that they have just fallen out of love with their spouse i think they are full of it. They have quit trying and are thinking too much about what could have been because what they got isn't perfect. I know that my h could be in love with me if he would try and put his heart into it. I pray all the time that he will come to that conclusion on his own because he certainly won't hear it from me. He was engaged before me and she met someone else, he has always said he doesn't care but (a lie). I think if he admited that it hurt so much and he did care it would help. We grow farther and farther apart because of his emotional distance and it isn't fair. Trust me your wife knows your distant and it isn't fair. It is cruel. I know you can fall in love with her because I know all of the effort I have put into keeping and recreating those feelings for my h. He hasn't even really kissed me like I matter in about 15 years. I look for the good in him. I love his sense of humor and how he can make me laugh. I love that he supports us and has a big heart. He is a good good man. My trial is waiting for him to wake up and let us get on with our marriage. I would pray for you to do the same. Being in love with someone isn't something that just happens you have to work at it. Whenever he has been in a meeting where they have been counciled to help their wives he will ask me what I want. I always say the same things (a kiss goodbye in the morning, a hug hello when you come home, to sit by me and cuddle when we watch a movie, basically to feel like you love me) it hasn't happened yet but i pray that heavenly father will help me to keep loving him and that he will continue to develop in this area. I can promise you that your wife prayes continually about everything because this is out of her hands and she doesn't know what else to do. I can also promise you that if you were paying bills and raising kids with this other woman she would quickly lose her sparkle for you. I hope this is of some value to you because it was not easy for me to share. Pray to heavenly father to develope a new degree of love for your wife, it will help I do it all the time for h. It has kept my heart soft instead of letting it harden. Take care.

when my oldest son was 8 and about to get baptised he came in the kitchen one day with a worried look on his face. I asked him what was wrong. He said he was worried about getting baptised, i asked him why? He said "I hope dad doesn't pray too long I don't think i can hold my breath very long i've been practicing but I don't think I can do it.

ok here is my group 18 year old boy in a band wanting to be professional musician instead of college graduate. (i guess this is the only time in life he will be free enough to try.) 15 year old boy spent summer grounded for getting into trouble works for dad and goes to school, just getting some of his privledges back (good learning for him tough consequenses but better to learn at 15 that life has consequenses) 12 year old girl mouthy to mom loves dad (i think that is normal will wait for a year or two to find out) 9 year old girl thinks she should have all the privledges the others have yells when she doesn't (still young enough to give hugs for no reason and i love you's) love my kids they have taught me more than any teacher or professer ever did. LOL

my thoughts for 2 cents In those situations I just say nothing about religion unless asked. Usually if I just work on the friendship eventually they will ask me and we can agree to disagree. I hate arguments over religion I feel like if you are arguing then the spirit can't be there anyways. I have found that if I have a great respect for someone elses religion they eventually will for mine too. If I get backed into a corner I am honest in my beleifs and tell them that religion is a matter of the mind, heart and spirit, so we each have to follow what that tells us. Hope this helps.

I would make a fun drink to go with it maybe smoothies if the shepards pie is really heavy maybe strawberry lemonade!

just a thought. I am the financially irresponsible one in my marriage most of the time. I have gotten better whith time and help but it is my nature and I fight it. I have a tendancy to spend when emotions are involved and that is hard for my hubby to understand because he is very practical (thank heavens). Maybe when you know the kids are going to come for the summer you and her could come up with a plan to earn and save the extra money it will cost. Maybe something you will both be excited about. I know if I have a plan to get the extra money I want for something even if it isn't practical I can stick by a budget better and get excited about making it happen. It also saves my husband from us being at odds because of my emotional spending. Just a thought. Good luck!

hi unixknight, Just wanted to say thanks for not making your kids feel like if they love their mom they are betraying you. Sounds like that is where she may be putting them. I was raised in a messy situation to say the least and as an adult I look back and so appreciate those adults who were the adult and didn't leave me in the middle. It sounds like your trying to make your house a home for your kids where they get to be the kids. Being honest with them is great! Don't know how many times I had about 50 percent of the info on a situation but because I was a kid would never ask for the rest. It just left me scared and confused. My hats off to you for being the dad and letting you know that they will be loved by you no matter what happens between you and ex.

Hi. I hope I don't get in trouble for my thoughts on this. My parents are both gone mom for about 15 years and dad 18. When my dad died he was in the hospital for about 2 1/2 months before he died. I had a 6 month old baby at the time and was working full time I tried to be wife, mom, employee and daughter and all I ended up being was stressed out all the time and short tempered. It came full circle when I was driving to work and fell asleep on the road. I was lucky and didn't crash or anything just kind of drove off the road. In looking back with my dad I don't regret any time I spent with him at all but I also beleive that he now understands why I couldn't always be there. What I'm saying is don't be afraid to take a break from you mom. It doesn't mean you don't love her. You will probably have more patience if you do. They're daycare (probably not a good word) places that parents can go and you can get a break. She may balk about going but remember as you would with your children they don't always appreciate that your doing what is best for them. The best thing you can do for your mom is keep yourself sane. My mom lived with me for about 3 months. It was hard. She would do things like call me at work and say I want coleslaw from KFC a hamburger from AC and a drink from the gas station for dinner. I would do it and be very frustrated in the process. For one I couldn't really afford it and two it made an hour late getting home and I had two little boys at this point. She would critisize how I cooked things (say things like I guess some people would like to eat that). She would even critisize the pajamas I put my kids in. I have no regrets about having her there, but I have come to realize she was probably bored out of her mind and didn't feel very needed. If I could go back I would go the the bishop or whoever and ask for a high priest couple or older visiting teachers with a lot of patience just for her. I would take a break so that I could enjoy her more, I found I was short on patience and I feel bad about it now. The comfort is that she had a mother too and was once in my shoes. I think it must be hard to know that you once were in charge of everything and now you have no place in the world. Take care. Hope you find some peace in your life.

Glad your here!

He welcome:D

Hey for my 2cents I think you should make a list of every possibilty including getting married and becomming a parent and then prioritize what you want to do most and then make short term goals that will get you there. EX (study abroad) save money, work extra job to keep out of mischief, get passport, research expense etc. Just my 2cents

Hello to you!

Hi welcome