SoCal_Counselor

Wow, thanks for the warm welcome from everyone!

For anyone who is starting the proces of marriage counseling, consider these thoughts from Bill Doherty (a renowned expert in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy) about good marriage counselors. Taken from What to Look For in a Marriage Therapist What to Look For in an Experienced, Competent Marriage Counselor: The Do's and Don'ts of Marriage Counseling Most people don't know what to expect of a competent marriage therapist. Here are some qualities and actions that researchers have found to promote effective couples marriage counseling. Do's of Good Marriage Counseling The therapist is caring and compassionate to both of you.The therapist actively tries to help your marriage and communicates hope that you solve your marital problems. This goes beyond just clarifying your problems.The therapist is active in structuring the session.The therapist offers reasonable and helpful perspectives to help you understand the sources of your problems.The therapist challenges each of you about your contributions to the problems and about your capacity to make individual changes to resolve the problems.The therapist offers specific strategies for changing your relationship, and coaches you on how to use them.The therapist is alert to individual matters such as depression, alcoholism, and medical illness that might be influencing your marital problems.The therapist is alert to the problem of physical abuse and assesses in individual meetings whether there is danger to one of the spouses.Don'ts of Bad Marriage Counseling The therapist does not take sides.The therapist does not permit you and your spouse to interrupt each other, talk over each other, or speak for the other person. The therapist does not let you and your spouse engage in repeated angry exchanges during the session. Although the therapist may explore how your family-of-origin backgrounds influence your problems, the focus is on how to deal with your current marital problems rather than just on insight into how you developed these problems.The therapist does not assume that there are certain ways that men and women should behave according to their gender in marriage.

Yes, counseling is a great start. Relationships are built on spending time together and communicating, that is the whole purpose of dating. It will be very difficult to work out your problems and communicate if you do not spend any time together (i.e. being separated). Good luck with counseling.

Like Eowyn, I believe that soulmates are only a Saturday Warrior's thing. I believe that soulmales are formed, not found.

Timpman, I just finished reading through this thread and have a couple of thoughts: First of all, props to you for coming here. You seem to want your marriage to work, despite not feeling like your heart is into it, that is great!Secondly, Soulmates are formed, not found. Committment is more important in marriages than being in love. You are struggling in your marriage right now (and may have been struggling for a while). This committment can get you through these times.Did you know that most married couples experience thoughts like these at one point or another in their marriage. I have been married for 9 years, and have had these thought from time to time. I work at quickly pushing these thoughts out, because they are the enemy.Now a few items of advice: Serve her. Do you know what makes her happy? Do it, whether or not she returns those favors. Do it because you are trying to show her (and yourself) that you love her. Sometimes you have to do the behaviors first, before the feelings come.Be Patient. If you are working on your marriage, you will eventually become stronger than these feelings.Give yourself to her, and receive her unto you. I'm sure you have heard these things before. This applies to giving and receiving emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually, etc.Make love to her often. When I meet with couples who are struggling in their marriages, they will often say that they still feel close when making love. That is the way it is supposed to feel. God designed our bodies for those feelings to come. Those feelings of closeness that you have when making love can translate into other aspects of your relationship.Fast and be prayerful. You have made a covenant. Your wife has made a covenant. God is also part of that covenant. Turn to him "with full purpose of heart." He loves you and wants you to be happy. As you turn to him, he will guide you in the direction you should go.

Prettyrose, I just read through this thread. First of all, I am so sorry you had to go through that horrible experience. Forgive me if this sounds crude; while there are many differences, there are many similarities between your situation and a rape victim. 1. Control is a big issue with rape perpetrators. This was the case with your husband. He didn't want you to talk about it, wanted you to have the morning after pill, and did not want you to talk about the temple. I imagine there were many other aspects of his behaviors that were also controlling. 2. Rape victims often blame themselves for what has happened. You have definitely done that. Guilt is one of the stages of grief. 3. The perpetrator is usually not a stranger, and is someone with whom the victim is very close to. Marital rape is very common, and is usually kept as a secret. 4. The perpetrator will often have extensive planning before carrying out the rape. What you need to know, is what you husband did was completely wrong. It was not your fault. What I know is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves everyone of us. I know that he has a plan for each of us. I know that he knows what happened between you and your husband. Why would or could something like this happen? I don't know, but I know that HE does. Trust Him. Keep your head up prettyrose. Keep your faith strong. You will get through this!

Yea, yea. maybe I should give it a little time.

I have heard that there used to be a lot more people who used this forum on a regular basis. Is that true? If so, what happened? Why are there not as many people on this forum as before?

You are right, it is probably not depression. I personally think accepting the gospel comes very easy to some people, and it is very difficult for others. It is kind of like school in some ways. Some people do absolutely nothing and get straight A's while other work their tails off for a bunch of C's. Nevertheless, you still seem to be trying despite it not coming easy to you. That shows more integrity to me than for someone who easily accepts every aspect whole heartily of this gospel.

Way to go Anatess on letting your husband help get the finances under control.

To me, this sounds like you know what would be best for yourself. To me, it sounds like you have your answer. If you were in my counseling office, I would encourage you to think about the red flags (already mentioned by previous posters). Think seriously about those things before getting married. Most issues do not get easier after getting married, and they often get harder.

Finances is something where you have to work together and figure out what works best for both of you. With my wife and I, we share one bank account. She keeps a very detailed expense report/budget on a spreadsheet, but I pay all the bills at the end of the month. We talk about our finances regularly. Before buying gifts for Christmas/birthdays/etc. we talk about how much we are going to spend on each other this year. What it comes down to is communicating, and not being secretive about the money in any way.

Do you think you might be dealing with some depression? Is there a history of depression in your family? Sometimes depression can cause us to be hopeless about the future and have excessive guilt.

Hello, My name is Brian and I am a marriage counselor. I love helping couples heal from problems they may be currently experiencing in their marriage. I also do individual counseling for those who struggle with depression, anxiety, grief related issues and ADHD. I have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my entire life. In coming to LDS.net, I hope that I will be able to use my experiences as a counselor to help others grow and heal in their own lives.

I agree. "And They Were Not Ashamed" is an excellent book. Might I also suggest a book that was specifically written for LDS engaged couples Becoming One: Intimacy in Marriage. This is an excellent book written by a couple of doctors, and a professor of marriage and family therapy at BYU.

I scrolled through this thread, and haven't seen the Church's/LDS Family Services website for pornography. Go there at www.combatingpornography.org.