SoCal_Counselor

I have seen very similar occurrences a number of times in my counseling office (kind of sad that this sort of thing happens to members in the same ward all over the country). The best time to make a big decision is when you are able to be logical and rational. Making a big decision when you are flooded with emotions is rarely going to bring about the outcome you really desire. The best thing that you can do is to strive hard to work on your marriage. Draw closer to God, and allow him to be part of your marriage. Seek out counseling for you and your husband (maybe individual and marriage counseling). Once the emotions have calmed down, and you feel like you are progressing, then you can think about big decisions like moving or changing wards.

Yes, I do have some questionnaires that I give my clients on a regular basis that assess the counseling relationship and their progress in counseling.

Regardless of whether they will be able to be sealed or not, or when that will happen, they are creating a very unstable foundation for their relationship. From what you have said, it sounds like their relationship is built off of passion and romance. Passion and romance will not take a relationship very far unless there is commitment, respect, friendship, trust, compassion, and a whole host of other things. As far as what you can do, maybe you can gently suggest to her some of your concerns. You can also refer her to a relationship evaluation site like the RELATE test. This test uses research to help couples identify their strengths and weaknesses in their relationship. In can be especially important to dating or engaged couples as they can identify how they can change their relationship before entering into marriage.

Sorry for being naive, but what is MB? You are absolutely correct. Trust is vital to a marriage, and from what you have said, he has destroyed that trust. Dishonesty destroys trust. Lies and hiding the truth are so much a part of pornography as well as anti-mormon literature and those who swim in those lies eventually become soaked with dishonesty. Have you talked to your bishop yet? You don't need to "confess" all of your husband's sins as that is his job, but you can share what he has done and let the bishop know how it is affecting you and your family. The Atonement is for both the sinner, and the sinned against, and the bishop can help you to begin applying the Atonement to your life. Counseling would also be helpful. I referenced finding an LDS Therapist here:

How couples are doing is completely subjective and I usually determine their prognosis at the end of counseling. I am often shocked though. I have times when therapy ended and I thought to myself, 'That is too bad, I don't think their marriage is going to last much longer.' Then I might run into the same couple several months later at the store or even the temple and they tell me that they are doing well, and tell me how helpful therapy was for them. (Those are great moments).

A couple of places to look for an LDS counselor: Go to LDS Counselors.net Go to the Psychology Today website. After searching in your area, there will be something to narrow the search by religion on the left hand side. Click more, than click Latter-day Saint/Mormon. Contact your closest LDS Family Services. Even if you don't live close, they might be able to help you with an LDS counselor in your area. I hope that helps.

The success rate really varies and is ultimately dependent on how hard both husband and wife are willing to work and change. For those willing to put forth the effort, I would say the success rate is around 90%.

I absolutely love my job. On a regular basis, I have the privilege of watching marriages change for the better in a matter of a couple of months. Seeing couples experience joy after feeling deep sorrow, or connecting again after being distant is truly rewarding.

Galaxy, how awesome you are in that you aren't giving up, but are looking for help. You've come here with the hope of finding some sort of peace in this crazy life. You do not need to get through the next month, or even the next week. Just take things slowly one day at a time. If that seems too overwhelming, work on getting through each hour. One hour at a time. I also cannot emphasize the importance of prayer. God hears you no matter who you are, what you've done, or what others have done around you. You are his child and he loves you!

After reading your original posts it sounds like you are trying to rationalize why you should stay with him. Just so you know, problems do not go away after marriage. In fact, marriage has a way of magnifying already existent problems within the relationship. I liked what Eowyn said about taking some time to grow on your own. Before you Find the right person to marry, you need to BE the right person.

LDS Family Services runs an addiction support group that can be a wonderful resource to those struggling with any sort of addiction. You can find the nearest group by going to the new website LDS Addiction Recovery Program. These steps are also very helpful for those who need to go through the repentance process. Here is a link to the ARP manual. May the Lord be with you as you strive to overcome and heal from your addictions. Here are the twelve steps: Step 1. Honesty Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. Step 2. Hope Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. Step 3. Trust in God Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Step 4. Truth Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself. Step 5. Confession Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. Step 6. Change of Heart Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. Step 7. Humility Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. Step 8. Seeking Forgiveness Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them. Step 9. Restitution and Reconciliation Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed. Step 10. Daily acountability Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it. Step 11. Personal Revelation Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out. Step 12. Service Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.

Complete honesty is essential for overcoming this. Be completely honest when talking with your bishop. Be honest when talking with your wife, no matter how hard her questions are. The trust that she had for you was shattered. Her questions and your honest answers will SLOWLY help her gain your trust back. Begin setting up boundaries to help prevent you from falling into this trap again (i.e. never being alone with a member of the opposite sex--even in work settings if possible). It is very much possible to heal from incidents like this if you are willing to do the work, and that starts with being completely honest.

Would you throw in the towel if there was a 75% chance that you could have a could marriage? What if there was only a 50% chance? 10%? 1%? There are things that you can do to strengthen your marriage even though he no longer desires to be a member of the church. When you were first married, though you had differences, you had the shared values from the church in common. I would suggest having a discussion about the shared values that you both have now. Though he may not be interested in the church, he might value family, hard work, etc. I can tell you from working with other couples that life does not get any easier after divorce.

If Con is the opposite of Pro, than is Congress the opposite of Progress?

After reading this post, the first thoughts that jumped out at me were not only ADHD, but possible Asperger's Disorder. Are you familiar with Aspergers? Typically people with this disorder struggle in recognizing emotions in other people. They struggle with empathy. They struggle in their social relationships. They also struggle in regular tasks that would seem easy to someone else (like putting in 40 hours a week at a job). I think you should go to counseling by yourself. Tell your counselor that you would like to do a pros/cons list for staying with your husband and a pros/cons list for leaving him. The counselor will hopefully be objective and help you identify your options and the possible consequences to each option.

A while back I came across this story about a man and a woman who healed from the woman's affair. I think the information from the story is exceptional. The story goes into the devastation that betrayed spouse feels and also touches on some of the things that the wayward spouse experienced. Here is a link to the story http://www.counselingwithbrian.com/files/Download/Affairs%2C%20one%20man%27s%20story.pdf. I pieced the story together from another forum. You can also check out this article from my blog: Affairs: Healing from an Affair | Improve My Marriage

Welcome!

As I have worked with married couples in counseling, I have found that one of the strongest aspects of couples that make marriage last throughout the years is commitment. One of the reasons I think members who marry in the temple divorce less is because of their commitment to each other. Having a temple marriage further deepens that commitment.

3:30 in a married student ward at BYU (see some people still get married at BYU before graduating-though that was many years ago).

I believe it is possible for women to enjoy the sexual relationship with their husbands. I also believe it is possible for men to do the dishes.

I would look into this site: The RELATE Institute - The RELATE Institute. There is a place for individuals to take the READY test which will identify strengths and weaknesses you have before getting married. For engaged couples, you can take the RELATE test on the same website. It will identify personal strengths/weaknesses, as well as strengths/weaknesses within the relationship. This test is scientifically based. It is not an msn.com compatiblity quiz. I think it might be helpful for you to take the READY test and then talk with a bishop or counselor about improving on and dealing with your own personal weaknesses BEFORE getting married.

I hope that I don't have Depends in my marriage for many, many years.

Have you heard of Laura Brotherson? She is a therapist in Utah and specializes in working with LDS couples with sexual related problems. Her website is Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Her book is also fantastic. It is called "And They Were Not Ashamed: Stengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment". She does not mind if people contact her through her website (sending an email). She would probably be very helpful in giving you both some direction. Some counselors are able to do counseling through Skype (I can do Skype Counseling with anyone in California). Skyping might be more comfortable for your husband. Though it sounds like you have a good counselor you are aware of in your area. You can start going to counseling by yourself, even if your husband is reluctant to go.

I would say to give her a small gift and card. On top of that, if you want to give her a hug go ahead and give it even thought she is not a lovey/touchy/talky person . If that is the best way you know how to communicate to her that you have loved her and will miss her, than do it. This goodbye meeting is not just for her, it is also for you. You don't want to be later thinking 'I wish I would have done this, or that.' .

Anon16, I just answered one of your other posts. I don't have any more to add what the other posters have said about this topic. I just wanted to say that I think it is awesome that you are seeking for understanding and clarity by coming to this forum.