SoCal_Counselor

I don't consider myself a chocolate addict. I can stop whenever I want, I just choose not to.

Okay, first of all, it was communication by text. Was she busy and couldn't give a more lengthy response, was she just responding to your text, was she already asleep, etc. You can know that context of how she responded so you are left to assume. Communicating by text is usually not appropriate for meaningful conversations, or for arguments for that matter. Secondly, should you fall in love before your mission? That is up to you. But it also depends on where your focus is. If you are so focussed on a girl when you are on your mission, it will make it more difficult to be engaged in the work of the Lord. If there happens to be a Dear John while you are on your mission and you are focussed on your relationship with her, it will continue to be very difficult to fulfill your responsibilities on your mission. Lastly, if you do develop a relationship before your mission, I would suggest not giving her any more preferential treatment with letters/emails than you do the rest of your family. Don't talk about the relationship, or hopes of the relationship after the mission. Share your testimony and joys of working and serving the Lord, because that is where your focus should be.

Maybe your husband is stressed at living away from his family. I think when you are first married, at least for the first couple of years, it is important to live away from family. This allows the newly formed family to better establish their own identity, and not the identity of the other family members. Many of us have struggled to go to school and work and support families. It can be done though. I would suggest your husband going to school full time, and then working part-time to help cover expenses. Look for scholarships first, then grants, then student loans to help cover the schooling expenses. Money will be tight. Your basic food groups might be Top Ramen, Macaroni and Cheese, and frozen burritos, but you will still be able to do it. Regardless, as said before, this is a decision that needs to be made between you, your husband, and the Lord. You can receive suggestions from other people, but ultimately it is a decision that should be made between the three of you.

It is about starting off small and simple. There are many things that you would like to learn about the Church and the gospel through the scriptures. Truth is, you will not be able to learn everything you want to learn when you want to learn it. Start off small. Consider reading (AND pondering) one verse of scripture a day. A great list to start with could be the scripture mastery list: Scripture Mastery Activities - LDS Seminary. The best thing you can do is learn how to apply even that one scripture to your daily life. You could even write down that one scripture that you read and put it on the fridge, or post it on facebook, etc. I read in the Ensign about a mother that had a hard time reading her scriptures regularly. She eventually just left her scriptures open in the kitchen (where she happened to spend a lot of her time). She would read a verse here and a verse there, nothing major, but she was still reading.

Shine 7, Nobody, besides God, can fully know what this is like for you. Other's may have gone through similar experiences, but every person who loses a loved one grieves differently. It sounds like you mind is telling you that the solution to your problems is to eat. The truth is, eating does help "numb" the feelings and grief you are experiencing. It seems like it is time to reach outside of yourself for help (which is probably one of the reasons you are coming here ). I would suggest going to an LDS Family Services addiction recovery program. Here is the website for the addiction recovery program Addiction Recovery Program. It might also be helpful to get yourself some grief counseling. Finding the right counselor can be helping in sorting out your thoughts and feelings regarding your husband and can also be a place of accountability with your addiction.

bl80920335, I have read through a number of your posts and am starting to get a better understanding. I am sorry that you are not in love with your wife. When we get married, I think we expect things to go well and for us to continually develop a deeper relationship with our spouse. It seems like that may not have happened for you. Whether you made a wrong decision or not in marrying your wife, you might have hoped that things would get better. Apparently, they haven't. You continue to doubt your decision about your wife. Here are a couple of articles that might be helpful: Before You Divorce, Part I Before You Divorce, Part II: Impact on Children and Later Regret Before You Divorce, Part III: Marriage Improvement and Financial Considerations Before You Divorce, Part IV: Marriage Counseling and Conclusion

There is nothing wrong with showing forth humility and being the first to apologize. I suggest to many to always be the first to apologize when you and your spouse have argued. If you get into an argument with your spouse, you should still apolgize even if you were right. You may have been right in the argument, but you still mistreated your spouse by trying to force him or her to understand things the way you see them.

It is possible for marriages to overcome physical fighting and abuse. I've seen it happen. If BOTH of you are willing to go to counseling, if BOTH of you are willing to admit your faults and begin the process of changing yourselves, your marriage actually has a good chance of getting better. Your marriage seemed to start off with a faulty foundation. Now may be the time to start rebuilding the marriage, starting with a healthy and strong foundation. The Family Proclamation identifies what a strong foundation looks like: "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

For ideas on forgiveness, try looking at these resources: Forgiveness in Marriage What Forgiveness is… What Forgiveness is Not

Yes, I agree.

I thought this was hilarious!

Bootstrap_Dove, I am not sure if there is hope for your situation as I am not familiar with what is going on or your husband's desire to make the relationship work or not. Stay on here this forum and keep going to different areas within this forum. You will slowly start to figure out how it works. Don't be affraid to ask questions of how to do something. For the rules for this forum, go here.

Lehi1902, I think I experienced something similar when I was off my mission and trying to date. I would date different girls that I would be interested in, yet they would not be interested in me. The girls that were interested in me weren't really what I was looking forward. I liked dating, but didn't like the heart ache that came with having to ask girls out, being rejected, them not being interested in me, etc. I made a committment to myself that I would try and get out on at least four dates a month (close to every week). I think I went on dates with at least 25 different girls before meeting my wife. I am not saying that you have to date 25 different girls before finding the one, I just think it takes time. I would suggest getting involved in different situations where you can meet different girls. If you have been at your apartment complex for a while, try something different. If you typically eat lunch on the south side of campus, change it up and eat at the north side. Spend more time with different friends. Allow others to set you up on "blind" double dates. The best advice though is to not give up. Be persistant.

I agree. If people were supposed to accept and have a testimony of ALL of the Church Doctrine before getting baptized there would be a lot less members of The Church than what we have today.

I have got young children. One of the things we have enjoyed is going to different sports events. We have a AA baseball close to us. Those games are fun to attend as they are family friendly. The seats in the outfield consist of just grass, which is great for the kids to run around. Not necessarily a family vacation, but it could be something to do on a vacation. Instead of an RV, or camping, how about a pop-up tent trailer that you can pull behind your vehicle. They are much more comfortable than sleeping on the ground in a tent and much more budget friendly than an RV. We often use reserveamerica.org for good camping reservations.

I live near Loma Linda, CA which is like Provo for Seventh Day Adventists (SDA). They have a k-12 academy that I have heard wonderful things about. I attended Loma Linda University for my masters and came to understand that the SDA people share a lot of similar beliefs as us.

My good friend told me a story of when he was in Vegas with his uncle. His uncle would often give object lessons. He was showing my friend why you shouldn't gamble and showed what happened when he put the quarter in a slot machine. After he pulled the lever, the slot machine didn't keep the quarter but actually spewed out $100 in coins. Object lesson: Fail.

I firmly believe that we can change the nature of our relationships with our spouses by changing ourselves. There is an article by Douglas A. Abbott that was published in the BYU Marriage and Families magazine titled Change Yourself and Change Your Marriage. I frequently give this article to couples with whom I am working in counseling. You can read the article here.

It sounds like he might think you will leave him for the church. I think you communicate your love for the church, but it the same sentence, communicate your love for him. Let him know that you feel that going to the LDS Church will help you to become a better woman, mother, and especially wife. If you do decide to get baptized, you probably shouldn't go behind his back, that would probably be pretty detrimental to the marriage. Keep going to church, keep studying, allow the Church and the Doctrine to change your life for the better. When one person changes in a marriage the nature of the relationship will change as well.

Yes. When working with couples with these issues, I work with them to identify common goals. If they cannot think of common goals, we all work together to create some appropriate goals for the marriage/family.

This article was originally posted by me here. A man was interviewing new drivers for his transportation company. The route was very dangerous and went along several steep cliffs through a mountain pass. The interviewer asked each man how close he could safely drive near the edge of the cliff. The first man responded, “I could drive within six inches of the edge.” The second man responded, “I could drive within two inches of the edge.” The third man responded, “I would stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as I possibly could." All things considered, the third man got the job. Why? Because the interviewer wasn't interested in learning how close the drivers could get to the edge of the road. He was interested in an employee that would keep his company safe. In that same light, I wanted to express some of my opinions of how married couples can stay away from the edge of affairs and other problems in their marriage. I have written about the importance of boundaries with members of the opposite sex before. I regularly work with couples in counseling who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair (or an almost affair). Having appropriate boundaries can go a long way in preventing affairs or inappropriate relationships that could be detrimental to their marriage. These are my own thoughts and are based off of my experience as a marriage counselor as well as my life experience in my marriage. You may disagree with me. That is fine. But I encourage you to develop your own boundaries when interacting with members of the opposite sex. Staying far away from the edge is what could prevent your marriage from tumbling to destruction. The following are DISCOURAGED with members of the opposite sex when you are married: Any kind of physical touch that lasts for more than three seconds.Any kind of physical touch besides a handshake, pat on the back, or a brief hug (again, no longer than three seconds).Full-frontal hugs. This is when the bodies are completely touching, and not just an upper body hug.Being alone socially with the other person. There are times when a job might require two people to be alone. In these times, people shoul work together as professionals and not friends. There are times when a job might require more than the three second rule (i.e. athletic trainers, professional ballroom dancers, etc.). In these cases, professionalism and not engaging in any other outside of work interactions are of the utmost importance.Secret conversations (by phone, internet, etc.) with the other person. This includes facebook and other social networking sites.Secret get togethers. It doesn't matter if it is "just lunch" or "just coffee."Ultimately, you should ask yourself, "Would my spouse be comfortable if he/she saw what I was doing with this other person right now?" The following are ENCOURAGED with members of the opposite sex when you are married:Group dates where you and your spouse meet up with your friend and their spouse.Give your spouse access to all of your email and social networks.Let your spouse know if you are going to be interacting with members of the opposite sex on a professional level. Introduce your spouse to all of your friends.Make sure your spouse knows your co-workers and your relationship with each opposite sex co-worker.Openess and honesty are great ways of staying away from the cliff, while secrecy and lies are like driving one inch away from the cliff. Just because you might be able to drive close to the edge, it doesn't mean you should.

At LDS Family Services, when the Bishops are covering the costs of counseling, they have to communicate some with the therapists. However, if you (or insurance) is willing to cover the counseling costs, your bishop does not need to be involved, and the counselor will not be able to talk to your bishop unless YOU GIVE SPECIFIC WRITTEN PERMISSION FOR THE COUNSELOR TO DO SO.

First of all, marriage therapist and marriage counselor are essentially interchangeable. For me personally, my official title is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Yes, there are regulatory boards that monitor licenses and it is done on a state by state basis. These licenses are public record and will usually list (publicly) if any disciplinary action has been taken against that person or their license. In California, the governing board is the Board of Behavioral Sciences. In Utah, the regulatory board is The Division of Occupational and Professional Licensing. To find the licensing boards for other states go here: State MFT Licensing Boards. Okay, my verdict. From what you have said I think what the counselor did was completely out of line for a couple's therapist. It may be that he/she lacked training to counsel couples. For me, being fair to both spouses is of the utmost importance. Though there are a number of bad therapists out there that think they know how to do counseling with couples but do not. Is it reportable to a licensing board, probably not, but you could always try.

Yes, yes, and yes. Studies have shown that the most important aspect of whether counseling is successful or not is the relationship the "client" has with the counselor. You will know within 3 visits or less whether or not your counselor is going to be a good fit for you. Many are able to recognize this in the first visit or even before the first visit. I recognize this and encourage people looking for counseling to set up a 15 minute visit with the counselor prior to beginning treatment. This consultation should be free of charge and should give you a decent idea of whether or not that particular therapist will be a good fit or not.

Some other thoughts: Confidentiality. Counseling is completely confidential, in fact counselors are bound by law to not share any revealing information about you with anyone else. Does counseling mean you are crazy? Absoultely not. It means that you are strong enough to recognize that you are unable to deal with your problems alone.