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Found 9 results

  1. Brothers and Sisters, I have written on this site before and have deeply appreciated and also enjoyed the responses from my posts. Since then I have spent much time on this site https://talkaboutmarriage.com/forumindex.php perhaps to my own peril, but the constant stories of infidelity, which are obviously not healthy to continuously read upon, are definitely making me paranoid that my future partner (whoever that may be) will default to mortal "imperfection" and even up develop an emotional/physical affair with someone else. I think it is developing as a huge paranoia of mine even though I have personally not been cheated on. Ive noticed many situations where people have been blindsided by their spouses betrayal and abuse, and it truly appears like the worst type of pain in the world. Its actually something one of my professors briefly discussed in one of my religion classes and like he said, the infidelity of ones' spouse can inflict pain upon ones soul. It is unlikely that I will remain in isolation and avoid women (LDS) for the rest of my life, so if any of you wise brothers and sisters have advice on what has made your relationships successful and has nullified the fear of spousal betrayal, would you mind sharing it? Thanks P.S I recently read this story https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/370602-wife-choosing-other-man.html and in many ways, it reminded me of a relationship I was in not too long ago where I had a strong desire to marry this person. These stories do make me feel slightly unsure that if we had taken the direction of marriage, that I also could potentially face the same result.
  2. Hi, I have been married to a mormon man for 23 years now and we have 5 children, I myself am a baptist although I very rarely attend church at all now. There are so many things I love about my husbands faith and the impact it has on our family, I love when he gives the kids blessings when they are nervous or unwell, I love how he sits with them and discusses how they are doing and that we all pray together. However, he is obsessed with having a perfect family and as our kids have gotten older I feel his concern is not for them but for how he is perceived at church or by fellow mormons. When our son decided to stop going to church my husband was so ashamed of our son and there was no real concern of how big a decision it was and that our son may be suffering. I even feel there was little care for our son's salvation and it was mainly my husband worried about people viewing him as a bad father. About, 4 months ago our 18 year old daughter told us she was pregnant and whilst I was heart broken I was just full of concern for her and the baby. My husband was just preoccupied with being ashamed of her and how he would be perceived as a bad father, he was mad but there was no concern for our daughter or the baby. He was even like it when our kids were young if they did something bad at church he would be a lot more angry than if they did it at home or at school. I am asking you is there in the mormon faith or culture a shaming for parents when their children go against the church? Or even when they misbehave? If so why ? Does your husband/ wife want to be perceived as perfect and having a perfect family ?
  3. I am 20 years old and married. My sister has a baby and her and her fiance live with my parents, as do me and my husband because we are going through a move. My husband wants kids so badly and he is so good with them but I have absolutely no desire. No matter how cute or sweet a baby or kid is, I still can only get myself to be around them for a short time. Everyone is pressuring me saying I have to have kids and I feel absolutely guilty that I want nothing to do with them. I am repulsed by them and I honestly think I would be a bad mom. I think most kids are spoiled little brats and when I see my sister let my 1 year old niece get away with everything, it angers me even more. I want to want kids for my husband but I have absolutely no desire and I don't know what to do. I have never had the urge to have kids and I have never liked babysitting since I was of age to and I avoided babies like the plague. I don't know what to do, I don't think I will ever change my mind...
  4. jayfaye

    Husband doesn't want more kids

    Hi all, first time ever on here. Just ... needing some LDS-based support on this one, as our views on family have just become so different from the worlds'... Here's the thing: my husband and I have 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are little handfuls; full of life, crazy energy, smart little boogers. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. But I know I'm not done. I have always, always wanted more than two. Ideally, 4 seems perfect to me, and I have always said this. And more than that, our family simply does not feel complete. But my husband? He has absolutely no desire to have more. We've discussed it a few times already, but for some reason this weekend it's really hitting home: We will not have any more. I spent all list night crying about it, and even now I cannot stop the tears. But he is unmoving. Just this morning he said to me "I know the thought of not having more makes you feel sad, but for me.. I just feel relieved." He doesn't feel capable of having more and is just not open to it. As much as he genuinely loves our son and daughter, he does not enjoy small children. He cringes at the though of more babies. And while I have joy in the two already here, I still find myself heartbroken and grieving. And it's only getting worse with time. I will continue to pray for comfort, for a way to cope and find happiness. I will do my best to have faith that all will be well. And I will try my best not to goad him, harass him about it, or coerce him into having children he doesn't want. But how can I have any hope when my husband feels this way? If this is how things are now, what's the point in hoping for anything different in the next life? How can I cope with the possibility of my eternal family being limited to what it is now? I just... need to talk about it I guess. Is anyone else facing this, or has faced it? Please, share your experiences, thoughts and feelings with me.
  5. I recently married a non-member. He has been taking the missionary discussions and has even set a goal date for baptism. I can't tell you how thrilled I am! However, he is struggling in keeping the Word of Wisdom. Some background on us. I grew up in the LDS church but fell away for a period of years. During this time, I met my now husband, and while I wasn't keeping the Word of Wisdom myself very well, I couldn't very well be hypocritical and ask him to work on his problems, which were much more addictive than mine. We recently moved to my home town which has brought so many blessings in our lives. I found the church again and my conviction to be the best me I can be and strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been stronger than it ever had been growing up. And thankfully, my wonderful husband has begun to find the truth for himself as well. The missionaries that are helping us are fantastic and supportive and have guided us both into a better place. My husband had problems with alcohol and tobacco addictions, as well as growing up drinking coffee and tea. He has given up coffee and tea, and quit drinking. However, he doesn't seem to be trying to quit tobacco at all, and last night, while we were out with coworkers of his, he drank multiple beers. He knows my stance on these matters and I don't want to be the one that deters him from baptism by pressuring him, or making him feel like he must choose between baptism or tobacco and alcohol. Ultimately, he must, but I'm worried an ultimatum like that might be too much. One is easy, and the other is not. I love this man so much, and seeing how far he has come is incredible. I want to be able to help him with this step as well. I'm just so worried it will come off as nagging and not supportive. I've asked the missionaries to go into further detail about the Word of Wisdom at our next appointment in hopes that will inspire him, but don't know what else to do besides pray and love him and encourage him to pray, go to church and help him feel the spirit. I'm wondering if there is more I could be doing. Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thank you!
  6. Hey there, My husband and I have been married for just over a month now. He is not a member, but he has set a baptism goal date, which is such a big deal! He was so against being a member but has come around. However, he often doesn't want to come with me to church and tonight we have a ward activity that I have been looking forward to for over a month. I thought he was excited for it, too, but he's skipping out. I'm going to go alone but we're new in our ward and have only had the opportunity to go to meetings twice because of the Ogden temple dedication and then General Conference. I know a couple of people, but I'm nervous to go alone. I'm not an introvert, but I feel so much more comfortable not walking in alone or knowing I have someone to talk to always if conversations fall short. Even with his baptism coming up, I have a feeling that I'll be going to church and activities by myself a lot of the time. I hate having to explain to everyone why he isn't with me. Is there any advice you can give me? Because church is worth it to me to go, even by myself. However, if there are any tips you can give me to help with the uneasiness or the loneliness of going alone, I'd appreciate it.
  7. My husband and I recently had a conversation on infidelity as my brother recently caught his wife cheating. Something like this being so close to home, I went crazy. I had never worried about my husband being loyal to me, but like I said...crazy. So I told him and then I proceeded to check his email and facebook messages. Did I find anything incriminating from our marriage? No. However, I did stumble across a message from before we met that was inappropriate to say the least. The contents were sexual exchanges and it was apparent that inappropriate pictures had also been exchanged via text message. Now, my husband told me before we got engaged that there were things in his past that he wasn't proud of. He told me that he had fooled around with a girl (different one from this message) and that when he was younger he had a problem with pornography. All of these things I knew, and I was perfectly fine not knowing every gritty detail of his exchanges with whomever from his past. I know that he is a worthy priesthood holder now and he was when we got engaged. I know that his past transgressions have nothing to do with me, and they don't effect what I think of him. I still think he is a good and wonderful man. I am proud of him and couldn't dream of being with anyone else. I also know that he loves me more than anyone. But I can't help but to be upset. This message was nothing like I'd ever heard him say before. I know a huge part of it is because he respects me and loves me, and there was no respect or love really shown for himself or this girl in their exchanges, but some of the contents I was SHOCKED to see. I can't picture him writing or saying some of the things that were there...they were totally vulgar and crude and graphic. Extremely inappropriate in both the content and word choice. My husband had (I assume several exchanges with this girl....I didn't scroll back to see how long they had been talking) after this conversation, decided that he wouldn't/couldn't talk to her anymore and told her so in the message, saying that he knew his weaknesses and temptations and that he couldn't talk to her anymore. That part made me extremely proud to read, as that is not the easiest thing to do. I know better than anyone how ashamed my husband is of the things like this in his past. I know that he truly repented and it pains him to know that he did those things, and that knowing them causes me even the slightest amount of pain. Like I said, I know who he is today and that he is a good and caring man. I feel really guilty for saying this, but reading that message really made me upset. I know it had nothing to do with me and that it was before we met. I don't feel guilty going through his stuff--in fact, he told me to...but this message had been deleted a long time ago, but facebook put it in "Archives" where I found it. Anyways, I know he feels ashamed of it and repented, and I don't want to keep bringing it up, but it is really upsetting me. I can't un-read the things that I have read and it really burns me up inside. I try not to think about it but the things I read will not leave my mind, and it makes me so angry/sad/upset....not with him at all though. That's the thing. I'm not mad at him or anything. It's ancient history. What I am feeling is almost more jealousy--that someone else has seen my husband or had anything to do with him in a sexual way. I'm not jealous of the conversation--like I said, he loves me so he would never say anything like that in front of me (let alone to me!). But it burns me up, I guess, that he ever wanted someone else in that way. I don't know if I am explaining it very well, but I don't know how else to say it. I just feel really upset and jealous. I'm trying to downplay how upset with him because I don't want him to feel like it's his fault or he did something wrong. He repented a long time ago, and I want him to be able to forget and move on. I just want advice/help doing the same thing myself. How can I move past this and try to forget what I read? I need help.
  8. Ironically, I've posted quite a few replies to other threads telling others to stick it out and work through it. But my main reason for joining this forum was to get advice from LDS church members about my marriage, especially what to do about it. (I know I'm not perfect, and that I have a temper. I have hit him with my wimpy lack of upper body strength, because he tends to ignore me when I bring up any issues in our relationship. And maybe we just don't work together in a marriage.) I dated my husband for about a year before marrying him. I knew that he was spoiled and irresponsible, but darn it if he didn't love me unconditionally and treat me like absolute gold! This was such a change from my previous (and only other) boyfriend, who had treated my like dirt enough for me to feel comfortable calling him an emotional abuser. I feel for my husband because he was so completely different from what I had experienced from my ex (and my father). I though that men just weren't like that. I did break off our first engagement because I felt he wasn't mature enough to handle supporting a family. We got back together, and I decided to marry him after one prayer. I knew I loved him, but had such reservations about marrying a man who hadn't gone on a mission and who was just plain irresponsible. To make a long story short, I got the answer to my prayer two days later when I got an email telling me that my deposit on single student housing was being refunded because the house was being remodeled; and this was about a month before the semester started. I still had reservations, but I trusted that the Lord knew what he was doing. My hesitance was not bolstered when I told my friends. One was actually excited when I told them. Most of them had been trying to get me to go out to school and find someone else. Fast forward seven months. We're married, and I've survived two semester of school while married. My grades have been in the tank. I told him that school would be my full time job, and that he would need to support the family financially since he wasn't admitted as a student yet. He has been working. I think he has maxed out at about 16 hours a week. Right now he could be working 35 hours a week, but chooses not to because it's "too stressful". He wakes up, goes straight to the living room, and turns on the PS3. He comes home from work and turns on the PS3. I try to get him to help around the house, to call people for errands or to apply for food stamps, . . . he just tells me that he works and I don't. Even when I was in school, he only cared that I didn't have a job. When I did get a job, he only cared that he still made more money (by about $20). I found us another apartment that was cheaper, and he complains that it doesn't have a dishwasher so he won't do the dishes. I am looking for a job. We're borrowing money from my parents every few months just to cover rent and utilities, even now that our rent is $200 lower. I do all the budgeting, and he is always asking to spend (or not asking to and just spending) money on his games. Our expenses can't get any lower. I feel like he needs to grow up and take responsibility for this family. He seems to only care about his half. I am tempted to move out as soon as I secure an income of my own. I have even been tempted to ask my parents for a plane ticket home so that I can go back to my summer job there. I am really quite sick of his selfishness. It doesn't help that I recently went off Effexor (for depression and anxiety); I am wondering of the Effexor just made me patient enough to deal with all his crap. I am literally screaming at him two or three times a week. I just feel exhausted, like I am done hauling him out of bed for church, done telling him to stop playing video games on Sundays, done telling him to work more hours to support us, done defending the amount of work I do around the house while he's sitting on his butt. He claimes to be sick about three days every week, which usually leads to skipping church and missing at least one day of work each week (mind you, working every day means he's only working about 16 hours a week right now). I don't know that I want to divorce him. If he could just grow up and stop expecting me to be his mom, then I would love him again. As it is, I have no interest in having children with him. I do not want my children to grow up and be like him; not to mention that I don't want to have to take care of a child in addition to taking care of him! We've been to counseling (where I felt bad, b/c the counselor was always telling my husband that he needed to shape up), and the only time my husband actually shapes up is after I tell him that I am going to leave. Then he shapes up for a couple week, just long enough for me to change my mind. Sorry about the novel. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can go to my friends or family about this because I spent so long defending my choice to marry him, and if I decide to stay with him then I don't want them to see my marriage that way. We're meeting with our new bishop tonight about his past addiction and our current goal to be sealed in the temple is August (which I am secretly not so sure I want to do), and I might bring up this problem with him. I am just so afraid that my husband will change long enough to change my mind. I don't want that sort of cycle to continue for the rest of my life. I love him, on some level I know I do, I just don't think that I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that is acting to selfish and lazy. I don't think he can change (my father never did) and I won't be sealed to or have children with who he is now. Does anyone have some sort of experience that can help me here? I feel so alone in this decision, but I also know that I can't be objective.
  9. So, I'm afraid to talk about this anymore to anyone who is close to me because I feel like I am causing everyone to hate my husband...so, I thought I would try a forum of strangers! I was raised in the church but was inactive most of my teen and college years. I met my husband my Sophmore year of college and we were married the following year. We were pretty wild and things were starting to get out of control-my brother who was serving a mission at the time, combined with a lot of prayers (by my family) and promptings from the HG, I decided to go back to church. My husband was interested and joined as well...we had four kids and a pretty good marriage...then four years ago he was diagnosed ADD and started taking Aderol, shortly after that he started having serious back issues and started taking various meds for that, then two years ago he was diagnosed (by his general prac) with bipolar disorder and started taking meds for that. I'm not sure which one of these conditions/meds or a combination of them has started causing problems but we have basically gone down hill since then. In the beginning of July he started taking Xanex and went totally crazy! I won't go into all the details but lets just say July and August were a nightmare. He left the church, started drinking, smoking pot, dipping, lying, listening to rap and acting like a jerk. He left for awhile to be with his family back in Oklahoma who are terrible influences with all their partying, drama, and total lack of motivation...but, I got him to come home with a lot of patience and love (maybe some begging). He told me he wanted to baptize our son (he turned 8 Oct 4th) and come back to church...unfortunately, that fell through as well (not surprised), now he is back to drinking, dipping, and isolating himself. Not to mention, he is on disability, waiting for his third back surgery...I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!! I love my husband with all my heart and we have a wonderful family! But I am so tired of this emotional rollercoaster- I don't trust him and he is VERY extreme with everything (we are also going through bankruptcy), I feel like him drinking is going to eventually destroy our marriage (and not only because he is extreme but also because it alienates us from eachother). I asked him to quit (begged) and he refused- I just don't know what to do anymore! I feel so hurt and angry (and worry that he is really going to end up being a negative influence on our kids)- he is really acting so selfish! Early on, when I prayed about it; I got a very descisive answer to stay with him; but now I am so hurt and frustrated that I feel like I am tuning out the HF's answers...I can't hear/feel a thing after I pray about him...I feel so lonely, hurt, angry, especially since now I am doing EVERYTHING- and I have to be the awesome mom who has it together all the time; its exhausting! Please if you read this pray for us (God will know who you're talking about- I talk His ear off constantly!!!) and if you have any helpful advice, do share!!