MorningStar

It was very similar to yours. I said we could plan our FHE lessons on Sundays and take turns doing so. One of the kids said, "We can't teach the lessons!" I said, "Sure you can. You can read about something and then teach us." My grandma lives about 20-30 minutes away. Visiting her was an idea. Calling relatives who live far away was another, drawing, practicing music, reading lessons for the following week, doing puzzles together (my 10-year-old mentioned puzzles probably 10 times - haha), trying a new recipe together, etc.

Annedex, I like your list! We had FHE last Monday and talked about it. I had my 13-year-old type a list for us too.

There are some things that can't be avoided - ox in the mire situations. We need doctors, nurses, paramedics, etc., but there is no need to go to The Olive Garden on Sundays.

]Amen! I can't stand that!

Was he wiggling his ears at the moment?

Validate your grandma's feelings like crazy and apologize. Then maybe she'll come around. :)

Love without enabling behavior that needs to change and like Eowyn says, charity and forgiveness. Counsel rather than criticism and listen well. Husband and wife should love each other the way they are, but also encourage each other to progress in life. Some things are really, really hard, but it doesn't mean they shouldn't be done or that we shouldn't keep trying. One of the hardest things for me has been learning to do business. I just wanted to be an employee somewhere and not have to be the one scheduling and asking for payment, but then I realized it would be more profitable and I could work less hours if I were to teach piano on my own rather than applying to a music school. Telling people my policies or reminding them that it was payday was really painful and awkward for me, but now it's been a couple years and it's much less difficult than it was. It's easier now telling people, "It's the beginning of the month." They thank me for the reminder and it's no big deal. The hard thing is still reminding them of my policies, which are pretty standard, but I am learning to brush it off when they don't like it. I still have some stuff to figure out, but I'm proud of myself for following through with something so painful. I have no problem paying people what they are worth, so I don't know why it's so hard for me to expect the same from others. If I don't stand up for myself, that affects me and my family. My husband ran into a really difficult situation and I urged him to try. Just when he was about to give up, I finally felt it was time to tell him, "You have to try. I won't be mad if you fail, but I will be mad if you don't try." We had sacrificed too much to throw in the towel. He succeeded, so that was a learning experience for him. I didn't feel I was criticizing him, but talking him down from a bad place.

That was the last musical we did in my high school and I refused to participate. I feel the same. The moral is to do compromise your standards to get a guy. The stage version has swearing and middle fingers too. I told the drama teacher, "I'm not doing that." They missed out on a lot of good singers in our school because they thought it was tacky.

That would be awesome. But when he gets home, I might be playing Mario Kart ......

I'm so sorry. I don't think anything is harder on a husband than not being able to support his family.

I know a family right now that is struggling because the husband has terrible anxiety and has difficulty staying employed because of it. His wife has been very kind about it, as stressed as she is. He sees doctors when he can and has taken medication, but it hasn't been helpful enough and now they have no insurance. It's frustrating for her, but she knows this is not at all how he wants things to be.

Wait - this isn't about Mrs. Vort being a slob? Oh, that's right. Your house always looks nice. In fact, I'll see you guys at your house tomorrow. Woo hoo!

If either spouse is truly trying their hardest, there shouldn't be criticism, but encouragement, listening, brainstorming, planning, etc. In the housekeeping situation, it's very annoying and stressful when you can't find anything, when you're tripping on stuff, etc. In the job situation, it's a different kind of stress - wondering if you're still going to have your pig sty. :)

If I have a chip on my shoulder, I just eat it.

I think these two would be equivalent to each other. The wife does no cleaning or meal preparation because she has a crippling addiction to Mario Kart. She would much rather do that all day long. The husband leaves every day while she's playing Mario Kart and when he comes home, she is still playing Mario Kart. I wouldn't blame the husband one bit if he said, "Have you done a single productive thing today? What gives? This needs to change." Now let's say a husband loses his job and rather than looking for one, he plays Mario Kart while his stay at home wife continues to clean around him. The unpaid bills are mounting, their utilities might be shut off, and they get a three day notice to pay their rent or vacate. I would also be understandable if the wive became extremely frustrated because of his refusal to even look for a job. I doubt though that there are many spouses who flat out refuse to do very important things that their families need.

You know what's unfair? I will never be laid-off from housekeeping.

No, I think if a woman is intentionally not doing her part, her husband is justified in talking to her about it and if a husband has habits that make him more likely to lose his job, there is a kind way to say, "I'm worried you're going to lose your job and we're going to lose everything because you stay up late and don't go into work until 10." A woman might have health problems that make it difficult for her to keep the house up and a man might have also have problems that make it difficult to support the family, or maybe it's just a difficult job market and no fault of his own. When my husband took a huge pay cut, I was doing the budget and the only way we could survive was stretching out our tax return. I just told him that one of us needed to bring in more income and I didn't care which one of us it was, but if I were to teach piano, I would need more help with making dinner, picking up the kids, and helping them with homework. He was fine with that and it's been a great thing for me.

It sounds like a situation that would be very stressful to the husband too. It's not like he would enjoy that. It certainly wouldn't be fair for her to say, "My dad never had employment problems!" Some lines of work are more stable than others. My husband doesn't have a high paying job, but he has never had to deal with unemployment because it's hard to find guys with his skills who don't have substance abuse problems. It's hard to figure out what career to choose that will be prosperous and tolerable.

I think a lot of those statements would be weird because the issue is, "We won't be able to pay rent, bills, or eat if you don't have a job." If a woman suggests he go to work early, I would think it would be so he wouldn't lose his job or to have more time together as a family. If they have kids with lots of afternoon activities, that makes it easier to get them where they need to go too if both parents are home. The arguing comment - it takes two people to argue. I think comparing spouses to other people in both situations is out of line. We all have different weaknesses and strengths.

Well, maybe innocent wasn't the correct word. It was his most tactful way of asking, "Why the heck does the house look like this?" He first glanced at the giant pile of laundry and dishes. He worked so much and slept through the baby waking up, he didn't really comprehend how nightmarish things were. He worked over 60 hours a week, including Saturdays, and I didn't know how the heck to get everything done. He just looked at me as if to say, "Ohhhhhhh. Point taken."

This is tricky without knowing the reasons behind everything. If a woman is truly lazy, I could see why the husband might explode and say something in an untactful way, but if his wife is sick, pregnant, nursing, sleep deprived, etc., he has to expect that he will at times have to pitch in a lot more or maybe they can do some things to simplify their lives and lighten the load. Stay at Home Mom does not always mean she stays at home. If she's running to the doctor, taking a crabby toddler to the park, grocery shopping, helping at the school, etc., things can pile up. For a husband to say he brings home the money and she does the rest is pretty lame because that still leaves all of the hours after work and the weekend, holidays, etc. I think during the hours they are both home, they should both be responsible for the messes that continue to be created. Years ago when our second son had thrush for 3 months, I got about 2 hours of sleep every night. He also had acid reflux, cried most of the day, spat-up all day, and wanted to nurse every hour for a while. I felt like a zombie and hardly had a moment to go to the bathroom or eat anything. I did continue to wash the clothes, but there was a giant pile of clean laundry. I also had a 2-year-old to entertain and my baby would only take cat naps. My husband came home one day and asked innocently, "So ...... What did you do today?" I glared at him, "At 4am, I fed the baby! Then he barfed and I changed both of our clothes, I changed his diaper, at 5am I fed the baby, at 6am I fed the baby, at 7am I fed the baby, at 8am, I FED THE BABY, at 9am, I fed the baby ......." and so on. Oh yes, I had to wash myself after every feeding and rub some medicine in his mouth and boil everything that went into his mouth, then he developed bronchiliolitis and I had to give him his inhaler 4 times a day. Every feeding was followed by huge amounts of spit-up all over me and him. It was a nightmare. My sister used to come over and look at me like, "What's wrong with you?" Then she had her first child and said, "I had no idea how hard it is!" Mr. MorningStar never asked that question again. I told him, "When you come home, if everyone is alive, be amazed!" To add to the fun, when I'm sleep deprived, I have a colitis flare-up. I have had to abandon full carts of groceries to run home and be sick. I had also sat on the couch vomiting while nursing a baby. Sadly, I was not very productive with young children. I know some women become passive aggressive about housework because there's something they're unhappy about - they feel unappreciated, he's playing video games all the time,etc. One of my friends was surprised to learn that my husband folds his own laundry. She said, "He does?" "Yeah." "My husband hasn't folded his laundry our entire marriage." A woman might not do her husband's laundry too because he's throwing it on the floor. It feels a bit demeaning to pick a person's clothes off of the floor when there is a laundry basket right there. On the other hand, it must be really annoying to work all day and come home to a woman in jammies. If it truly is an issue of laziness, I think the best way to approach it is, "I'm feeling overwhelmed over the state of our house. I work all day and it's unrealistic to expect me to do everything that needs to be done after work. I know it's not fun to do, but it causes stress in our family when there is so much disorder." Then see what she has to say after that.

That would be really hard. If you know what Heavenly Father is telling you to do, then make the decision and try your best to ignore everyone else. We all make decisions that not everyone likes. Prayers for you.

Happy Birthday! Yay us for living another year!

Thank you! Yes, please have some cake.

Personally, I do not feel people should stay for the children in abusive situations. It does a lot more damage than good. Children I know who are exposed to domestic violence have serious issues and they are more at risk of being abusive in the future because they never learned proper coping skills. I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. Please seek some professional help to get you through it.