The War Within

[jsmwolf]

I really don't know how to begin. I returned from my 2nd tour in Iraq in December 2006. I served as a medic with a tank platoon, and we were constantly on patrols just outside of Northern Baghdad. I cannot say that I saw the worst that happens over there but still over a year later, I still can't get over some of the things that I saw and did over there.

I have tried talking with my bishops and even the stake president, they even gave me a temple recommend. No matter what I still don't feel worthy. I don't feel like God loves me. I know that he exists but I don't feel like he cares for me. I used to pray a lot and read my scriptures but I just can't do it anymore.

No matter where I attend church, I feel like an outsider whether I go to YSA wards or Family wards. I just feel to old for the single wards and I don't feel extremely uncomfortable in family wards because I find myself jealous, they have something that I want so bad but I am afraid that I will never have it in my life.I just don't feel like I belong to any group anymore.

I don't know why I am doing this. If anyone knows of talks by General Authorities, scriptures or anythings about being a member of the church involved in war. They would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Jason

[tubaloth]

tought stuff. Have you are the book DeseretBook.com - Believing Christ: The Parable of the Bicycle and Other Good News

It well help how you see Christ in your life! Once that starts to take shape, I hope other things well start to fall into place.

[skalenfehl]

Jason, thank you for serving in the military. I read some good articles in the June issue of the Ensign Magazine about military service, which shared a link that may help you to find the resources and support you need.

Military Relations

Here's a more specific link that may help you. I pray that you will find the peace that you are looking for. Best wishes.

Redeployment and Family Reintegration

[Palerider]

I have never been in the military and I have a brother who retired from the Army and did 2 tours in Nam. I know the effects it had on him.

My advise to you would be to ask your Bishop about seeing the councilor at LDS Social Services. I think by talking with someone like this would help you alot.......just my opinion

[jsmwolf]

Thanks.

I was seeing someone at the VA but they were just playing their normal games, not really listening to what I said so I just told them that I didn't want to see them again. I have been fighting with them, tooth and nail since I returned home. It just ticks me off. Sorry for my little rant.

Jason

[Traveler]

I served during the Vietnam era and when I got out of the army I had many of your same feelings - I had also served 2 years as a missionary.

I do not know that I had all the same issues that you are having. My main problem was with ladies that I was dating. I did not feel that they understood anything or had a clue about "real life". It got to the point that I did not like to talk to them about anything. I still do not like talking about some of my experiences.

I did not like my professors at college. I thought they were unqualified to teach any subject.

There were two events in my life that helped a great deal. One was a young lady that despite of my cruelty was kind and despite the fact that I hurt her she was still kind. I have never really experience someone that would return kindness when none was ever given them. The other event was a Native American friend that convinced me to seek my spiritual guides for life by going on a 40 day journey in the wilderness and living on only what the earth and G-d provides.

There are no hidden secrets that I ever found. Sometimes you must find a way to move beyond what you have become and it is not an easy road. Let your experiences go. Do something kind to a stranger every day. Forget yourself and your problems and dedicate yourself to a cause or calling. Read the Book of Mormon – If you must, do not start at the beginning – start in Mosiah but read every day. Pray lots and count your blessings.

The Traveler

[jsmwolf]

I served during the Vietnam era and when I got out of the army I had many of your same feelings - I had also served 2 years as a missionary.

I do not know that I had all the same issues that you are having. My main problem was with ladies that I was dating. I did not feel that they understood anything or had a clue about "real life". It got to the point that I did not like to talk to them about anything. I still do not like talking about some of my experiences.

I did not like my professors at college. I thought they were unqualified to teach any subject.

There were two events in my life that helped a great deal. One was a young lady that despite of my cruelty was kind and despite the fact that I hurt her she was still kind. I have never really experience someone that would return kindness when none was ever given them. The other event was a Native American friend that convinced me to seek my spiritual guides for life by going on a 40 day journey in the wilderness and living on only what the earth and G-d provides.

There are no hidden secrets that I ever found. Sometimes you must find a way to move beyond what you have become and it is not an easy road. Let your experiences go. Do something kind to a stranger every day. Forget yourself and your problems and dedicate yourself to a cause or calling. Read the Book of Mormon – If you must, do not start at the beginning – start in Mosiah but read every day. Pray lots and count your blessings.

The Traveler

The Traveler,

In a lot of ways, it seems that you have gone through what I am going through. I have had such a desire for a family but I just can't seem to socialize with people my age. They feel that I am cold and unfeeling. I feel that they are young and naive. The things that interest them, don't interest me. They would never want to know my experiences and if they knew, I would be afraid that no one would want to be near me.

I had wanted to go to school for so long and finally I can afford it. I used to love school with a passion but now I can barely stand it. It is especially hard when some of the teachers are teaching things so contrary to what I know is true. When they sit there on their imaginary soap box trying to tell me that my friends and I are MURDERERS. It hurts. I am getting a 4.0 but I sometimes would just rather quit, then listen to them anymore.

I had such hopes for when I got home and had left the military. Most of those hopes are not there anymore. I just can't let go of my experiences. There are times, I just wonder "Why am I still here?" I guess that I am still trying to figure out my own thoughts and feelings.

Thanks.

Jason

[rameumptom]

Jason,

I spent 20 years in the military, and my oldest son just returned from his third tour in the Middle East a couple weeks ago. This last time, he was in Afghanistan, and lost some friends when an IED blew up both their vehicles.

The reality is, you are probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS). In past wars, this has been known as "Shell shock" and "War fatigue." It is more common than we would like to think. Tragic events shake us and our spirits very hard. It can cause us to withdraw from others, feel insecure, and for some, can cause recurring dreams and nightmares (a common Vietnam syndrome).

I would suggest you go and get some psychological/emotional assistance on this. Your local Veteran's Hospital or base hospital will be a good place to begin. Their psychologists are trained better than any others to assist with PTSS. They'll help you identify the inner fears and struggles you have, and assist you in redeveloping your social skills - such as how to talk about your experiences, rather than shutting them and everything else up in an inner closet.

[TEANCUM89]

Jason,

First of all thank you for your service and for protecting our freedoms. In my opinion you are truly a warrior both physically and spiritually. I second what Rameumpton has already told you, it does sound like you are experiencing PTSS. You are not the first or the last who has experienced this, you are not alone. This is my first time posting on this site, your message touched me, With the proper medical help and time your spirit will heal. Please continue to pray and to read the scriptures. I understand how it can feel when your prayers don't seem to get beyond the ceiling. I will remember you in my prayers and thoughts! A brother in Christ, Teancum89

[utcowboy]

Jason,

thank you for your service and sacrifice. I was reading your post and the thought stuck me that you could look to Mormon as a guide. There is a man who spent the majority of his life at war, 16 - 74 (I believe), and still knew that to be Christ like he had to have charity for his fellow man. I would like to encourage you to read your scriptures, I think Mormon's story would be a great place to begin again. Say your prayers, I would caution you that the adversary will try everything within his power to convince you that the Lord doesn't hear your prayers!! Pay even and especially when you don't feel like it. Call upon your Lord and Savior for his help, and follow his council. Seek help from the best of places.

I wish you the best and pray that you'll find the comfort and help that you need and seek.

[jsmwolf]

Thanks.

I have tried the Veteran's Affairs and they have proved without doubt that they are dishonest. For the last year, I have been fighting with them to recognize that I have PTSD. They are still fighting me on whether not it is related to my deployments. They have lied to my face. I have learned that I can't really trust them to help me.

I know that there is only one person that can truly help me but I cannot feel His love. There are many times where I just feel that I am beyond His love, His Mercy, and so on. I am sorry that I am going off like this. I just don't have anyone that I really can talk to about this. The people in my ward are just so young, I just feel so old compared to them that I know they won't understand where I am coming from. I cannot talk with my parents over these things because I am so afraid of hurting my Mom more than I have. My Mom knows that I am hurting but I just can't let her see how much.

I had trials when I had gotten home from Iraq the first time. I turned to the Lord and I thought things were going great but I began feeling like HE was not listening to my prayers. It seemed like the carrot being dangled in front of the animal that as soon as they take a step towards it. The carrot is another step away, the prize is dangling in front of you and you are never allowed to have it. Yet people around didn't want it, and they were finding it.

I guess that I know some of the things that I need to do in my life but still when I was trying to live the best that I could. Attending church, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, home teaching, attending the temple, and so on that I could not find the happiness or the peace that I so much wanted. It is gone and I am not sure how find it anymore.

Please, excuse me for my babbling.

Jason

[Guest tomk]

wolf:

Nobody can understand what you've gone through unless they go through it.

I am sure you have served your country faithfully. War is horrible, I think we can pretty much all agree on that much. You are not responsible for what you did while following orders and safeguarding the lives of your fellow soldiers, yourself, and all Americans.

Stay close to the Savior. He is the only one who can provide the needed perspective, through the Atonement.

[rameumptom]

JSMWolf,

Then if the VA will not assist you, try this:

First, write your Senator and Congressman about your situation. They can often get the VA to do things that normally the VA is slow to do.

Second, seek psychological therapy on your own. Yes, it is expensive, but well worth it. Have your bishop recommend you to LDS Services, where they can give an initial assessment and recommend a counselor to you that uses LDS approved therapies.

If we are emotionally messed up, it is very hard to feel the Spirit or the Lord's love. And without some assistance, it may be difficult to work through it alone.

[hordak]

Do you live near a base? With my wife in the service the wards we go to are usually at least 50% military/ retired military. Having people in the same boat has helped us fit in.

[lds9999]

There is a DVD prepared by the Church for those in the military. I have not watched all of it, but it is available on Youtube:

YouTube - LDS Mormon Military: Message of Peace - 1

[mcgyver]

Dear JSMWOLF,

In 1991 at age 23 I was deployed to the Persian Gulf during Operation Desert Storm. I arived in country just as the shooting war started. I was attached to a special operations unit that had operational responsibilitys in Iraq. I can honestly say I know how you feel. For the most part Combat Veterans don’t talk much about what they have seen. The reasons for this very from feelings of not being believed, to those of guilt, to being judged by others for what they have seen and done. Your experiences in Iraq are a large part of who you are now but don’t have to define you.

I am 40 years old and have a great wife and family and good friends who to this day help me to deal with the past. I know God loves me, but I haven’t always known this. I still suffer from PTSD it gets better. There is a path to coping with the demons but its not a short one. I would like to talk more if you want.

[Guest Username-Removed]

I read an article in the Ensign last night from the last issue of the Ensign called, Armor of Battle, Armor of God.

"There are still times when my challenges overwhelm me, but knowing gospel truths gives my life and my experiences a spiritual significance and they become a source of strength. I strive to keep my focus on remembering the One who can truly help. The Lord has provided a rich array of spiritual tools to help in times of adversity. He has blessed me with the things I have needed and wiped away my tears."

The whole article outlines the following ways to get help ... for individuals serving and also for friends and family on dealing with some of those challenges. Im not sure it can help everyone specifically, but I do think there are some good things in there. Turning to friends has always helped me in troubling times.

1) Turning to the Lord

2) Turning to the Scriptures

3) Turning to Family

4) Turning to Service

5) Turning to One Another

[jsmwolf]

Do you live near a base? With my wife in the service the wards we go to are usually at least 50% military/ retired military. Having people in the same boat has helped us fit in.

I am currently in the Army Reserves just waiting to finish my time in the military. There are not any wards near by that have large populations of military. I got out of active duty March of last year so I am not near any Army base.

[Misshalfway]

Hi Jason. I have never been served in the military and can't know what you must have experienced or what you must have been thru and how it must have changed you.

Whenever I think of war, my first thought is the BofM.....more specifically the entire book of Alma :) and then the ending war with Mormon and Moroni standing there in what was ultimately a futile effort. I find so much comfort and wisdom in these war pages. Perhaps it is the war inside of myself that needs such insights. And beyond that, I believe that there is wisdom and truth and healing power in the words on those pages. Those many soldiers and their experiences and the attributes of the few that are highlighted are inspiring in their reality.

I don't like hearing of people who don't understand the nature of war and label our valiant soldiers with such labels such as you described. There aren't any more deserving of the label "Hero" than you all. I feel humbled by what you do and how you do it under incredibly difficult and sometimes confusing circumstances. Please know that not everyone feels that way.

Coming back from battle and trying to integrate back into life must be challenging. Perhaps it is unfamiliar and uncomfortable as you try to fit the square peg of your new self in the round hole of life back home. Don't let such circumstance throw you. I believe that you are simply in a transition period as you learn to balance the man you used to be and the man you are now. Father in Heaven is a master at restoration. I can't believe that He won't turn your experience into depth of wisdom and love and incredible compassion. I also know that He can and will heal you. I have that hope. I don't know how long such healing takes. Perhaps for some pockets of pain, the healing will take many years. But I have hope for you.....and for me....and for all of us!

Sending my love and support to you and your mighty journey. Stay close to Father. He is no doubt walking this walk with you with His infinite wisdom. Look for the opportunities on the road of your journey. The landscape may be different and it may appear as if it has narly and unfriendly twists and turns. Try to see it for what it is and not what it isn't..... and then try to see what it has to offer you.

Best wishes.

Misshalfway

[jsmwolf]

Dear JSMWOLF,

In 1991 at age 23 I was deployed to the Persian Gulf during Operation Desert Storm. I arived in country just as the shooting war started. I was attached to a special operations unit that had operational responsibilitys in Iraq. I can honestly say I know how you feel. For the most part Combat Veterans don’t talk much about what they have seen. The reasons for this very from feelings of not being believed, to those of guilt, to being judged by others for what they have seen and done. Your experiences in Iraq are a large part of who you are now but don’t have to define you.

I am 40 years old and have a great wife and family and good friends who to this day help me to deal with the past. I know God loves me, but I haven’t always known this. I still suffer from PTSD it gets better. There is a path to coping with the demons but its not a short one. I would like to talk more if you want.

I also, would like to talk with you. This not something that I usually do, posting on forums like this. I stumbled across this website and thought that I would give it a try.

Thank you, everyone for your kind words.