Hello! Help!!

[slcsweety]

Hello to all my new friends! I am excied to be here with you and hope you can offer me some good sound advice rooted in gospel principle.

I am struggling in my marriage. I've been married for 3 1/2 years, and have recently found myself struggling to love my husband. I am very loyal and take my committments seriously, but our lack of relationship and communication is really effecting me. He has completely separated us financially and has asked me to go get a job to provide for myself because he says he can't do it right now. He said he will pay for things in regards to our daughter, but not me. He is working FT and going to school and I am working pt from home already, but it's not enough for him. I don't mind working to help out if we really need it, but I feel like he's going a little overboard. He recently recieved a generous scholarship which pays for more than half his tuition, plus he is recieving a GI bill to compensate for his school fees. It hurts me so badly that the man I'm supposed to spend eternity with has openly said he will not support me financially and does not support me as the mother of our child or even as his companion. He is cold, distant and treats me like a child in many ways. I have tried to be loving and forgive him for the way he treates me. I have tried standing up for myself, but in the end I feel even more torn down. I have considered divorce, but have felt that right now it is not the Lords will for me. I am trying my best to make the most of this situation, but I feel like I'm suffocating to death in this marriage. Please help! How can I improve this situation?

[prospectmom]

Pray Pray Pray........... You need to spesk with your Bishop to see if he can offer you both any advice. I would also get a blessing to help you get through this difficult time. It is so hard to give advice.... I can only give friendship and comfort............... Sometnmes things seem so impossible and then through lots of prayer and work you get through it. I wonder what YOur hubbys real problem is???? Sometimes when my hubby is having difficulty I get the fallout , I have to remember to thimk whats going on in his life to cause him to feel this way........ How can I not take this personal and How can I help...... Prayer and scripture study are first and formost.......

[FunkyTown]

Wow. That's tough - Have you considered that, maybe, the reason for this has to do with separate ideas for your differing roles at home? I think this is just a mess of bad communication on both people's part, so I'll try to see if I can see it from your husband's perspective:

1) Your husband works full time and goes to school. This leaves him with little to no time for himself. He has a child, is up constantly throughout the night and is stressed. Guys, and this is no excuse but it might be an explanation, tend to withdraw when stressed. This is why you don't feel the love and warmth you've come to expect.

2) He doesn't see all the work you put in. He doesn't see you as a full-time mother, cleaning dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming and caring for a young child. It's sometimes hard for people to empathize with someone who doesn't do what they do. In this case, he probably thinks you have time to sit at home and watch daytime television. I know, I know. There's no way you would while still being able to grocery shop, wash and change the child, keep up the house and still take your baby out for sun and exercise.

Now, let's look at this from your perspective:

1) You're used to a loving husband who is attracted to you, who woo'd you and who tried to win you over. Suddenly, the things that drew you to him are drying up. Maybe it's the job and the schooling, or the fact that he's suddenly tired all the time because new child's. Regardless, what you've come to know as -him- is not him any more and it makes you question what happened.

2) You're working hard, too. You have a child, which means many a sleepless night. You're tired, your husband seems like a different person. If I can guess, did you live at home with your parents before being married? If so, you're in a rough situation. You've suddenly gone from having support around you constantly to being the bulwark that this is based on. It's sad and lonely and, if you did live with your parents before marriage, you really have no basis to make a comparison with.

Honestly? This doesn't sound like a divorce situation. This sounds like marriage counselling, but it might be difficult to get him to agree with all the excess worldly requirements on his plate. It's tough, the first few years of marriage -especially- with a child. But you can work through it. :)

[Misshalfway]

Wow. Well, I couldn't live in those circumstances without having some real course correcting sorts of conversations. First, he clearly isn't understanding his role as provider and father and your role as taking care of your child and home and supplementing the income. I understand that those early college/new family years can be stressful when your budget is tight and your personal time even tighter, but not everybody who has passed thru that life stage is making these interesting choices. And if I were you, I would be saying a huge "Woah there buddy!" and would definitely stop things in their tracks and amend the course of this train.

I don't like that he is belittling you. Feeling stressed and withdrawing into the man cave is one thing but treating you like a child and failing to take responsibility for his feelings, for his actions to you, and for his familial duty is something else and I wouldn't hesitate to lovingly call him on it and disclose how all of this is effecting you.

I agree with Funkytown. Marriage therapy could really help things. It could not only improve the interactions between the two of you, but it could help open some solutions that can take the pressure off. My only fear is that he wouldn't agree to such things. I think it would be beneficial even if you went alone and talked out solutions and ways to communicate and negotiate with him.

At the end of the day, I feel like telling your H welcome to adult/parenthood!! There will always be a drain on the pocketbook or pressures pulling you this way and that. The answer is never to alienate the ones you love.

Best wishes.

[Hemidakota]

Hello to all my new friends! I am excied to be here with you and hope you can offer me some good sound advice rooted in gospel principle.

I am struggling in my marriage. I've been married for 3 1/2 years, and have recently found myself struggling to love my husband. I am very loyal and take my committments seriously, but our lack of relationship and communication is really effecting me. He has completely separated us financially and has asked me to go get a job to provide for myself because he says he can't do it right now. He said he will pay for things in regards to our daughter, but not me. He is working FT and going to school and I am working pt from home already, but it's not enough for him. I don't mind working to help out if we really need it, but I feel like he's going a little overboard. He recently recieved a generous scholarship which pays for more than half his tuition, plus he is recieving a GI bill to compensate for his school fees. It hurts me so badly that the man I'm supposed to spend eternity with has openly said he will not support me financially and does not support me as the mother of our child or even as his companion. He is cold, distant and treats me like a child in many ways. I have tried to be loving and forgive him for the way he treates me. I have tried standing up for myself, but in the end I feel even more torn down. I have considered divorce, but have felt that right now it is not the Lords will for me. I am trying my best to make the most of this situation, but I feel like I'm suffocating to death in this marriage. Please help! How can I improve this situation?

There is more to this story that what is revealed at the surface. You need to find out why...

[FunkyTown]

Hahah. Retreating to the Mancave. Okay. That is the awesomest expression ever. You must have some experience with it.

[Bethie]

I'm praying for your family. The only Guidance that will make any difference

in your situation is the Guidance of the Holy Spirit. Take time to listen. Write

down what you hear and then follow instructions. Keep in mind that no matter

what the outer appearances seem to be, "all is well". You will be Guided perfectly

and you can learn to Trust, even when you can't see the end results. You are in God's hands and He loves you more than you can even imagine! Accept all that love and then share it it with everyone. Sounds like your husband is calling out for love, even though it's in a negative way. Try to hear what he's really saying.

[KeithLBrown]

I would have to say that I am in agreement with Hemidakota. You really need to find out why after 3 1/2 years of marriage there is such a sudden change in attitude. My advise is to not be too hasty and blame yourself for anything, but to look at the last 3 1/2 years as a whole. What suddenly or drastically changed to bring about the new attitude in your husband. I admire the fact that he still wants to support your daughter, but as a husband he still has an obligation to you as well. The whole thing does not sit quite right with me. There appears to be something going on in his life that he is not telling. Not to sound totally negative, but do not be surprised if it ends up being something that should have been brought to the table before you were ever married. It just appears to be some of amount of secrecy here. The best thing to do is to seek wisdom, guidance, and discernment from the Holy Spirit concerning this matter. Be still and listen and obey. I promise you that all things will be made known in their perfect time. God bless and keep the faith.

[funkymonkey]

Hey SLCsweety! Welcome to the forum!

I'm not really that good of an advice giver but as I read your message I could totally relate! (I just barely finished putting my hubby through college...and sooo glad it's over)

College life and family life is really hard but it really is a great training opportunity for how the two of you will work together through the rest of your lives. With the little time you two have alone, be sure to work to develop those problem solving skills and negotiation skills... and learn to work as a team. Bad habits made now in your relationship will be that much harder to break when things get really tough down the road...I am a firm believer that the older people get, the more they get "set in their ways".

It's so hard to see past the day to day struggle when there's so much crap going on. Try your best to always keep in mind that marriage isn't just day-to-day, it's a lifelong project. When issues come up and when you think of how you're going to react or handle the situation, remember that your immediate reactions will affect that lifetime project...try to always "minimize the damage".

In college, the traditional roles probably won't apply...and that's ok, because you are a team; as a team you each do whatever it takes to make the team a success.

Developing the skills to work through these issues together, as equals, will really help you in your "life project" or your "marriage project" (with the help of a bishop and counselor). At this point, both of you will need to swallow your pride and put in a little extra work...make the call to the bishop, be willing to work with a counselor. Don't leave it up to him to make that call or initiate the conversation with a counselor...don't allow yourself to make excuses as to why not to do it. Just do it and get it over with, the sooner you do it the sooner you'll be able to initiate working on your marriage.

Don't be embarassed either, people go through this kind of stuff in their marriages all the time.

Throw away all your expectations for what the "ideal family" is supposed to be. Expecting the man be the breadwinner, expecting the woman do the house stuff. Expecting that the relationship shouldn't ever have this many problems...whenever there is a problem that "maybe this relationship just wasn't meant to be" or "is he really the man for me?" It sounds like right now that you are learning that life doesn't really work out the way it "should" (I've been there :) ); the sooner you can throw away those expectations, the easier it will be to clean the slate and make some of the adjustments needed for your "team", your family.

Best of luck! God bless.

[Misshalfway]

Hahah. Retreating to the Mancave. Okay. That is the awesomest expression ever. You must have some experience with it.

Pacing back and forth in front of it for years. LOL

[funkymonkey]

There is more to this story that what is revealed at the surface. You need to find out why...

SLCsweety, his recommendation might lead you to believe that there is something seriously wrong (like he's cheating on you or something), but please don't read into it that way -k-.

The last three years we were in college we really rough. I was working fulltime and he was spending the money as fast as I was bringing it in, so to me it put on more pressure to make more money. Then the last year we were in college things got really really tough and pretty much came to a boiling point (I got really sick and couldn't work anymore and my husband was having a hard time finishing up school, and we were on the verge of being homeless because of it).

The more the pressure and responsibility piled onto my husbands shoulders, the more distant he became. He still did his best to get through everything but he lost his sense of humor, the flirting stopped, any shred of conversation we used to have... it all dissapeared. (and I started thinking, oh great this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?) Then his friends started calling asking what was wrong with him and wondering if he was mad at them...so I guess I wasn't the only one taking it personally. I started overanalyzing the marriage and wondering what was going wrong. I even tried the "tough love" thing and told him that it was not OK to react to the pressure how he was...as you can imagine that didn't really help.

But then he finally got a job, and within a couple of months he went back to normal and our relationship got better. And as a nice side benefit, now that he is working he is seeing just how hard it is to make a buck and has really cut back on his spending.

So some of how your husband is acting very well could be to your situation and his attempts to adjust to this new world he is in...but he might just feel like he's backed up against a wall...and not really know how to make anything better.

Have hope, girl. Use the resources you have, put in the work, and in time things will work out. :)

Edited August 18, 2008 by funkymonkey

[unixknight]

I would have to say that I am in agreement with Hemidakota. You really need to find out why after 3 1/2 years of marriage there is such a sudden change in attitude. My advise is to not be too hasty and blame yourself for anything, but to look at the last 3 1/2 years as a whole. What suddenly or drastically changed to bring about the new attitude in your husband. I admire the fact that he still wants to support your daughter, but as a husband he still has an obligation to you as well. The whole thing does not sit quite right with me. There appears to be something going on in his life that he is not telling. Not to sound totally negative, but do not be surprised if it ends up being something that should have been brought to the table before you were ever married. It just appears to be some of amount of secrecy here. The best thing to do is to seek wisdom, guidance, and discernment from the Holy Spirit concerning this matter. Be still and listen and obey. I promise you that all things will be made known in their perfect time. God bless and keep the faith.

^This.

It almost strikes me as he's positioning his pieces to leave. Especially if the financial situation has improved. That makes it possible to separate.

Extra income: Check

Wife financially independent: Check

Prepared to continue meeting obligations to the child: Check

Emotional separation from Wife: Check

I'd find out why that is and soon.