In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Passing an office building late one night, a sweet young thing sees a sign that reads, "Press bell for night watchman."

She puts her finger on the bell and presses. After several minutes, she hears the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The man unlocks first one gate, then another, shuts down the alarm system, and finally makes his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarls at the young woman, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself."

[Kenny]

Passing an office building late one night, a sweet young thing sees a sign that reads, "Press bell for night watchman."

She puts her finger on the bell and presses. After several minutes, she hears the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The man unlocks first one gate, then another, shuts down the alarm system, and finally makes his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarls at the young woman, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself."

The innocence of children can often bring a chuckle and yours was a classic.

I remember our local council having to change the sign from 'Dogs must be led' to 'Dog's must be on a lead' because children were worried their pets could not go into the park unless they were made of the metal.

Or a young son on seeing straw bales in a field while travelling in the car said quite innocently 'Look mummy, Wheatabix."

[pam]

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

[pam]

A neighbor who is always borrowing tools approaches the house next door one Saturday morning.

"He won't get away with it this time," the homeowner tells wife. "Watch this," he says, as he opens the door to greet the neighbor.

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power saw this morning?" the neighbor asks.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," the man says, with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," says the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs. Mind if I borrow them?"

[pam]

A doctor examines a female patient. Afterward, he takes her husband aside. "I donít want to alarm you," the doctor says, "but I don't like the way your wife looks."

"Me neither, Doc," says the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."

[pam]

The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."

[pam]

Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.

One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.

"You," he called. "You, there!"

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, Your Majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it."

[nbblood]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[nbblood]

Ok, some of these just cracked me up. I bolded my favorites.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

[nbblood]

Ok, these are quite funny. That's all for today. Gotta save some ammo for later.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pre tty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

[pam]

hahahahaha those were hilarious. I couldn't even pick out one I liked the best because they were all excellent. Referring to the married one.

[pam]

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you

I don't know about Pepsi..but if you work in a Coke factory and they catch you with a Pepsi product in the building, they terminate. I know this because there was a coke plant behind the gas station I worked at.

[need4peace]

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry.

[nbblood]

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.

"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[nbblood]

Ok, this one requires you to look up the scriptural references to get it (unless you're more versed in the Bible than most). Anyway, it's worth looking up the references. It's funny.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" Revelation 3 on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Genesis 3

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

edit: I added the links for the references.....just to make it easy.

Edited January 15, 2010 by nbblood

[need4peace]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[pam]

A little boy who is rushing out of the house pauses in front of his father. "Dad," the boy says, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

"Son, it just wouldn't be right," his father says.

"That's okay," the little fellow says. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

[pam]

Following an especially angry argument, a couple goes to bed not speaking to each other. The husband needs to get up early the next morning, so he leaves a note on his wife's bedside table that reads, "Wake me at six."

The next morning he wakes up and look at the clock. It shows 10 a.m. Then he sees a note next to the clock.

"It's six, you bum. Get out of bed."

[pam]

A older man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

[pam]

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Tommy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "You don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Tommy corrected. "It means the car won't start."

[pam]

A beggar walks up to a very well-dressed sweet young thing who is shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.

"I haven't eaten anything in four days," the man says.

She looks at him with admiration and says, "I wish I had your willpower."

[need4peace]

Funny notes left for the milkman

• No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
• Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
• Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
• From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
• Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
• My back door is open. Please put milk in ' fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
• Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
• Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
• Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
• Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round

.

[nbblood]

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

[pam]

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

[pam]

A stingy old man who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness is determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old miser finally decides how to take at least some of his money with him when he goes. He instructs his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. Then he tells her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. He tells her that when he goes, he'll just reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the widow is up in the attic cleaning and comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaims. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."