In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A preacher of the old school is describing the events of Judgment Day to his congregation.

"Oh, my friends," he intones, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth."

At that point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupts to say, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners is old and has no teeth?"

The preacher crashes his fist on the pulpit. "My friends," he declaims, "the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured, teeth will be provided."

[Guest mormonmusic]

Person 1: Knock Knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Interrupting cow!

Person 2: Interrupting cow....Person 1: MOO!

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

Person 1: Knock Knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Interrupting cow!

Person 2: Interrupting cow....Person 1: MOO!

Reminded me of

. [Youtube vid]

[Zechariah]

Speaking of cows... Well, sort of. I didn't mean it quite like it might at first seem.

Anyway, I got one of my bosses good one time several years back. I was working as a milker on a dairy, and the owner's wife came into the milking parlor that April 1st morning. Being joint owner of the dairy with her husband, she was also my boss. When she said good morning and asked how I was, I, playing the hesitant, reluctant, part, said, "Well... okay... but... I have something that I, that I need to tell you." With concern on her face and in her voice she said, "Oh?" I said, "Yeah... The thing is... I've gotten another job offer on another dairy, and I've decided to take it. It's just too good to pass up."

Now, just for anyone who is not familiar with life on a small family owned dairy farm, having your milker tell you he's leaving, is one of the last things you want to have to hear, especially if you have a good one. Not only are good milkers hard to find, but if they leave abruptly, you're stuck doing a split shift milking the cows twice a day yourself, along with all the rest of your many farm chores, and it's a very unpleasant prospect, and a big hassle, until you get a new milker and he has the routine down and can do the job as you want it on his own. Fortunately, I knew her well enough to know her sense of humor, and knew it was safe enough to play this kind of joke on her, and not get my tail canned for it.

So, in disappointment, she said, "Oh... well... okay... we hate to have you leave... but we understand." Then she asked how soon I'd be leaving, and I gave some very short period of time, and then, after a moment of awkward silence, she asked the needed question, "Well... so... what dairy is it?" I said, "The owner's name is... April...? She says she knows you..." And, trying to think of who April is, she's saying, "April... April..." she then asks, "What's her last name?" I said, "Uh... let's see... Fools? Yeah, that's it... Fools."

She then slowly says, "April... Fools. Hmmm... April... Fools." And you can see her mind working hard, trying to put a face to this very familiar sounding name, and she says again slowly, "April... Fools... April... Fools... April" and then as it hits her, and her eyes become huge as saucers, she shrieks, "APRIL FOOLS?!!!" and then boy, did I run, as she came like a bullet chasing after me! We all got such a good, hard laugh over that one. It was memorable!

[pam]

Ernie and his dad ventured into the woods to bring home a Christmas tree. They walked for hours in the snow, examining every tree they found. As the afternoon turned into evening, the temperature dropped ten degrees and the wind began to blow. Still no tree. Finally, Ernie piped up:

"Listen, Dad, I really think we'd better take the next tree we see, whether it has lights on it or not!"

[pam]

Two intrepid explorers meet in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

Says one, "I'm here to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

The second explorer sighs deeply.

"I came because my young son has begun violin lessons."

[pam]

A psychiatrist has been treating a woman's husband, and one day he tells her, "I have good news. Your husband is cured. He will no longer go around thinking he's Napoleon. His original personality has returned, and he is now himself again."

"What?" she says angrily. "Before, my husband was someone important. Now I'm going to be the wife of a nobody!"

[Mahone]

Two intrepid explorers meet in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

Says one, "I'm here to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

The second explorer sighs deeply.

"I came because my young son has begun violin lessons."

Pam, it's almost christmas day! Why are you still here! You must be mad

Oh, wait...

[pam]

6. Posting issues you have with a moderator or administrator anywhere on the site will not be allowed.

[pam]

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.

He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

[pam]

I can't remember if I've done this one before after posting so many.

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[pam]

An hysterical mother phones the family's pediatrician with an emergency.

"Doctor," she says, "I was writing a letter when my two-year-old came along, grabbed my fountain pen and swallowed it. What should I do?"

"Don't panic, I'll be right over," says the doctor. "In the meantime, what are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm using a pencil."

[Guest mirancs8]

I have a good one. This morning I went to Dunkin Donuts to get my boys donuts. Drove up to the drive thru and asked for a bagel with cream cheese then I suddenly had a block. I couldn't find the word as if my mind just locked up. I struggled for at least a minute. Finally the words came to me...

Christine: "OK, sorry I know what I want now."

Order taker: "OK, take your time."

Christine: "yes can I have 3 glazed Chipmunks...":eek:

Everyone with a head phone set in Dunkin Donuts: ROAR of laughter comes through speaker

Order taker: "Um Ma'am I think we're going to need to pull you over."

Christine: "I mean MUNCHKINS!! MUNCHKINS!!"

So as I am in tears crying and laughing all at the same time I pull up to the window as the 8+ employee are still falling all over laughing and trying to get a glipse of the lady who would like to order 3 glazed Chipmunks! I turn to the order taker and said, "and I cross my heart I didn't drink!":lol:

So this was my morning. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time and it just was funny. I've been watching the chipmunk movies so much I guess it's taking a toll on me LOL!

Christine

[pam]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

[pam]

A nearsighted minister glances at the note that a member of the congregation has delivered to him through an usher.

The note reads, "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, the minister startles his audience by announcing, "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

[pam]

A college student who has left his dorm and moved into an apartment goes to a grocery store to shop for cleaning equipment. As he makes his way through the aisles of the store, he loads his cart with a broom, mop, dustpan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products. At the last minute, he tops it all off with a lone food purchase -- a large bag of potato chips.

When he gets to the checkout counter, he sees the checkout clerk eying it all with a puzzled look.

Says the young man, "I'm a very messy eater."

[pam]

A gentleman is lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that reads, "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he tells the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asks.

"Just one," the customer replies. "I'm a man of few words."

[pam]

Two husbands are discussing their married lives. Although they are both happily married, they admit to each other that they and their wives sometimes argue. One complains that when they fight, his wife always has to have the last word.

"Oh," says the other, "I've made a great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" says the first man, "How did you manage that?"

"It's easy. My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"

[need4peace]

I was driving along a bush road here in Aussieland, with my Mum and my two sons when the car towing a trailer in front of me suddenly breaked and swerved. It was too late when I realised that the car had swerved to miss hitting a goanna sunning itself on the road.

Sadly I ran over it!

While I was sending the goanna to heaven I saw some tourists with camera at the ready waiting to take a photo of the goanna basking in the sun.

It all seemed to go in slow motion as I watched in the rear view mirror the poor goanna bouncing down the road. I tried so hard not to laugh at the surprised look on the faces of the tourists as they observed their subject disappearing before their very eyes and my car driving off into the sunset.

I guess they had the 'perfect' holiday shot of a goanna in the wild - well - until I came along that is.

Mum and I laughed and laughed at what had transpired - the look on their faces was priceless.

My two sons were very upset with me for running over the goanna and our laughing didn't help in our efforts to convince them I didn't mean it

[need4peace]

I found this truly funny video that sort of fits in with my goanna story in the post above. It comes from a movie I haven't seen (yet)

For a slidesplitting laugh go here:-

YouTube - Kangaroo Jack - The Best Scene

[pam]

Just so you are aware...Any YouTube videos need to go under the YouTube forum. :)

[need4peace]

Thanks Pam I didn't realise that about the youtube video's - oh dear I have posted youtube videos in two threads already so I am sorry about the mess I may have caused.

[pam]

You are fine. I wasn't sure if you were aware there was such a forum. No problem at all.

[Gwen]

I was driving along a bush road here in Aussieland, with my Mum and my two sons when the car towing a trailer in front of me suddenly breaked and swerved. It was too late when I realised that the car had swerved to miss hitting a goanna sunning itself on the road.

Sadly I ran over it!

While I was sending the goanna to heaven I saw some tourists with camera at the ready waiting to take a photo of the goanna basking in the sun.

It all seemed to go in slow motion as I watched in the rear view mirror the poor goanna bouncing down the road. I tried so hard not to laugh at the surprised look on the faces of the tourists as they observed their subject disappearing before their very eyes and my car driving off into the sunset.

I guess they had the 'perfect' holiday shot of a goanna in the wild - well - until I came along that is.

Mum and I laughed and laughed at what had transpired - the look on their faces was priceless.

My two sons were very upset with me for running over the goanna and our laughing didn't help in our efforts to convince them I didn't mean it

lol took me a min to even figure out what you were talking about, no idea what a "goanna" was.... did figure it out but only cause i used to watch steve erwin (?sp). lol

[pam]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"