In need of some clean humor!

[Dravin]

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Tommy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "You don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Tommy corrected. "It means the car won't start."

You hear jokes like this. I wonder if any teachers have actually done this, and if the kid has actually responded factually.

[need4peace]

You Must Believe!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[need4peace]

You Must Believe!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[need4peace]

Have you ever had anyone tell you that you need to have more faith when it isn't appropriate that they do so? Well here's what to do LOL

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who had that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.

The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind so much being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," he said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt' "!

[need4peace]

[pam]

Two men who work in the same office are talking about their sons who are in their first year of college.

"You know," says one, "my boy's letters nowadays always send me to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," says the other. "My son's letters always send me to the bank."

[nbblood]

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa ,

taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, "Oh, no! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Craftiness and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[need4peace]

********************

I wear my wife's eyeglasses because

she wants me to see things her way. -

Jayson Feinburg

********************

[dazed-and-confused]

An Israeli company is looking to buy the chees division from Kraft foods and base it in Israel.

They plan on calling it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

i hope that didnt offend anyone...sometimes people think i can have a bent sense of humor.

[nbblood]

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

[Guest]

WARNING - Not for PETA members.

A scientist was conducting an experiment on ants.

He put an ant on the table and said, "Walk". Sure enough, the ant walked almost off the table. He wrote down on his journal:

Conclusion: If you put an ant on a table and tell him to walk, it will walk.

He then pulled two of the ant's legs, put it on the table, and said, "Walk". The ant walked.

Conclusion: If you take out 2 of the ant's legs and tell him to walk, it will walk.

He then pulled two more legs, put it on the table, and said, "Walk". The ant walked, albeit slowly.

Conclusion: If you take out 4 of the ant's legs and tell him to walk, it will walk.

He then pulled all of the ant's legs, put it on the table, and said, "Walk". The ant did not move.

Conclusion: If you take out all of the ant's legs, it will become deaf.

[Guest]

From the best of Jay Walking (Jay Leno):

Jay: What country do you find the Panama canal?

Man on the street: Uh...

Jay: Okay, what country do you find the Great Wall of China?

Man on the street: Uh... China?

Jay: That's right! Okay, so what country do you find the Panama canal?

Man on the street: Oh! China!

[pam]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[pam]

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built and scantily-clad young woman.

"What's this about, Mom?" she asks.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers.

"Is it working?" her daughter asks.

"Yes and no," the mother says. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

[need4peace]

Stairway to Heaven

A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.

St Peter told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” St Peter asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I've just got the first one.”

[nbblood]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

[nbblood]

Bedside Manners

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[pam]

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."

[pam]

When the type on a man's printer begins to grow faint, he calls a local repair shop where a friendly man informs him that the printer probably only needs to be cleaned.

"We charge $50 to clean a printer," he says, "so you might be better off reading the manual and doing the job yourself."

Surprised by the clerk's candor, the man asks, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the clerk replies sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[pam]

A cowboy who lost his horse to a snakebite walks across the desert for miles carrying his saddle. He comes upon an old man living in a small hut. In a corral next door is an old, sway-backed horse.

"Would you sell me that old nag, mister?" the cowboy asks.

The old man says, "Well, cowboy, he don't look so good."

"Please sell him to me," the cowboy says. "I'm tired of carrying this saddle."

The old man finally agrees, the two decide on a price, and the cowboy saddles up and climbs on to the animal. The old horse takes off like a shot, directly into the side of the hut.

The cowboy gets up from the ground and exclaims, "That thing is blind!"

The old man says, "I told you, fella. He don't look so good."

[nbblood]

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

[nbblood]

Implements of Math Destruction

At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[pam]

Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.

With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.

Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

[pam]

A man is called into the office of his company's head of human resources and is told he's being fired.

"Since I've been with the firm for so long," the employee says, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agrees and says he'll have the letter the next day. The following morning, the employee finds the letter on his desk.

It reads, "This man has worked for our company for 11 years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

[pam]

A woman calls up an electrician. "Didn't you promise to send someone over to my house yesterday to fix the doorbell?" she asks.

"I did send one of my men," the electrician says. "I'm sure of it."

He calls to a workman in the back of the shop. "Didn't you go over to Washington Street yesterday afternoon to do that job?"

"Yes, sir," the workman says. "I was there, and I must have rung the bell for more than 10 minutes. Nobody answered, though, so I figured they were all out."