In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any interest in his paintings that are on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replies. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[pam]

A woman of our acquaintance was in the habit of having long telephone conversations that sometimes lasted over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes.

"What is the matter?" asked her husband. "You were on the phone talking for less than half an hour."

"I got a wrong number," the woman replied.

[pam]

At the end of the great flood, Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out.

"Go forth and multiply," he says, as the animals scurry down the gangplank.

But as Noah is closing the great doors of the ark, he notices two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

"Didn't you hear me?" he says to them. "You can leave now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," say the snakes. "We're adders."

[havejoy]

At the end of the great flood, Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out.

"Go forth and multiply," he says, as the animals scurry down the gangplank.

But as Noah is closing the great doors of the ark, he notices two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

"Didn't you hear me?" he says to them. "You can leave now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," say the snakes. "We're adders."

I pushed the laugh button on this joke only because there was not an 'ouch' button.

[pam]

I pushed the laugh button on this joke only because there was not an 'ouch' button.

Or a groan button.

[ZSEdwardson]

two women bring in a limp duck to a vets office.

The vet takes one look at it and says "Your duck is dead"

The women insist that he run some tests, even though the duck is quite dead.

So first he brings in a Labrador retriever, who sniffs over the duck, shakes his head, and is lead out of the room.

Then the vet brings in a cat, the cat swats at the duck, shakes it head, and goes on.

so the vet goes and prints out his bill.

The women look at the bill and are shocked!

"150 for telling us the duck is dead?!"

"well, if you listened to me, I would of charged $20, but after a lab report and a cat scan...."

---------------

ok, I know it cheesy, and i know much better jokes, but they are not 100% clean

[Wingnut]

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's and, now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy son," she smiled. "I married one for the money... two for the show... three to get ready... and four to go!"

[pam]

I did that one a few months ago but I still laughed out loud.

[pam]

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

[pam]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.

He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."

[daenvgiell]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.

He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."

Only slightly disturbing as well...

[pam]

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes that they have committed.

The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is spared and released to go free.

The Doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is spared and released to go free.

The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner reaches for the lever to activate the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I think I've figured out your problem!"

[HEthePrimate]

Happy As A Clam

Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.

He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.

The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

[daenvgiell]

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes that they have committed.

The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is spared and released to go free.

The Doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is spared and released to go free.

The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner reaches for the lever to activate the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I think I've figured out your problem!"

I guess he was the dumb blonde of the joke. No offence intended to any blondes!

[nbblood]

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created fast food and the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's

[nbblood]

Curing Hiccups

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[MisterT]

4 Doctors went Duck hunting; a General Practitioner, a Psychiatrist, a Surgeon, and a Pathologist

As the first flock flew overhead, the General Practitioner stood up and aimed his shotgun; he then sat down without firing a shot. He said "I'm not sure those were ducks."

As the second flock flew overhead, the Psychiatrist stood up and took aim. Lowering his shotgun he said "I know they're ducks, but I'm not sure they know they're ducks."

As the third flock flew over the Surgeon stood up and emptied his entire magazine at them, dropping several into the water. He then looked at the Pathologist and said "Go see if those are ducks."

[pam]

Jesus and Satan had argued for days about who was more tech-savvy, and God was sick of the bickering. He told them he would judge a two-hour task set.

They e-mailed, e-mailed with attachments, downloaded and created spreadsheets, labels, charts and graphs. FLASH went the lightning. BOOM went the thunder. CRASH went the computers.

When the electricity came back on, Jesus began printing files.

Satan cursed and screamed: "Itʼs gone! All my work is gone. How come he has all his work?"

God shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES ..."

[pam]

One hot summer afternoon, a man is watching a ball game on TV while his wife is out cutting the grass. Between innings, he goes out to ask her what is for supper. The woman flares with anger at the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house all day with a cool drink in his hand, and she snaps, "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I were."

The man goes back into the house and fixes a big steak, a baked potato and a tall glass of iced tea.

About the time he is ready to sit down, she walks in and asks, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?"

Her husband looks at her blankly. "I thought you were dead."

[pam]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[pam]

Two young men are speculating on how long they might live, and one says he thinks he has a long life ahead of him. "After all," he says, "my grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" the other man asks.

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show you," snickers the friend, "both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what you think," says the first man. "Toward the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."

[pam]

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his practice. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.

Then he understood why...

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:

Psycho-

the-

rapist

[chrismckay]

I like the composition about my dog since they are brothers and they have only one dog in the house. It seems realistic.

On the other hand, the humor about talking even listener are no longer interested is not suited to the teacher as reference.

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[pam]

I like the composition about my dog since they are brothers and they have only one dog in the house. It seems realistic.

On the other hand, the humor about talking even listener are no longer interested is not suited to the teacher as reference.

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huh?

[talisyn]

Context is everything...