Non-member wife doesn't want me to go to church

[Guest monol1th]

I've been inactive for many years, and decided that I wanted to go back to church, I went once a few weeks ago, and loved it, but my wife was very upset that I had gone and now doesn't want me to go at all.

She's managed to engineer things so that I have not been able to go for the last few weeks; I told her that I wanted to go this Sunday and she got very upset about it, she wants me to find another church as she has decided that she doesn't like LDS, I'm unsure why she doesn't as she can't give any particular reason, and knows almost nothing about the church, and doesn't want me (or anyone else) to explain anything to her, she even refuses to look online at *any* site about the church (not even negative ones).

I only mentioned my church membership in passing when we started seeing each other, and it didn't matter much to her then as I had lost my testimony and didn't want to go on Sundays or live life as a church member should.

I'm not sure what I should do, I've tried praying, a lot, and am still unsure. I am sure that if I just up an go to church that I will come home to a very frosty reception.

[FunkyTown]

You're right. It will probably be difficult.

But it's true. What you do with that is entirely up to you.

[blessedinarizonia]

I cannot encourage you enough to council with your Bishop. I had a the same problem when I was first married. Through some wise counciling from my Bishop my husband later joined the church and we were sealed in the Arizona Temple. I cannot tell you it will be easy. It probably won't, but in the end it will be worth every bit you put into it. Good Luck and God Bless you and your family.

[adie_vale]

I have simler problems, but not with family, but friends well a friend whe seems determind tell me how live. I have stayed away to please others, but I want to return, and get baptized.

[photog4u]

Wow this is a tough situation that I can relate to in my past. Bottom line you have to do what is best for YOU. Yes it will be tough to attend church without your wife and then come home to an angry wife for a while. She'll get over it when she realizes you are changing into a BETTER man. What wife can complain about that?? However, do not push church stuff on her. I would suggest that you have a sit down with her and tell her you are planing to go to church every week and some weekday activites. Explain you might later have a calling which will take some time and planning. Tell her she can ask you anytime about anything church related but you will not mention it unless she asks. I would save the tithing talk until when you are ready to start paying it! That would cause more friction then what is needed at this time.

Please know that Heavenly Father is so pleased that you have begun the process of returning to the church. Keep praying and have faith that everything WILL BE OK!

[tubaloth]

I think you need to keep trying to get to the root of the problem. If she doesn't have a good reason then I don't see how she can keep you from it. You can have her come, try to get all the fears of any Unknown out of the way. You probably well have to make some type of deal for a while. I'll go ever other sunday, or something like that.

Not having a reason isn't a reason. I don't know if she has some other belief in God, or what not. But until she comes up with a good reason, tell her you want to go. (Tell her why you want to go, tell her how you felt when you went back).

Once she does have a reason, see if there is away to resolve it.

Did you tell your wife you were coming onto a mormon web site?

[a-train]

You need to find out what her concerns are if they are ever to be addressed.

-a-train

[AELK]

I was in that same situation, married to someone who, although he was a member, didn't go, and didn't really support me in being an active member. I had vowed that when I moved back to the United States, after being in Europe for 8 years and primarily being inactive, that I would just go regardless. So when I got here, I did just that. The ward members were none the wiser to my inactivity. And here I am almost 11 years later a very active member, who has been to the temple. My regret is that when the sheep strays the lambs do follow. Although my younger set of children are active, my older set are not.

But things are good now. I can tell you how. Please feel free to email me.

AELK

[Kirajo]

Maybe you could find something she feels passionate about and ban her from doing it cause you don't like it?

[SMG]

She has no right to tell you to go or not go to church. Freedom of religion is one of our fundamental rights as Americans. That is something you must do for yourself and decide for yourself. If it were me, I would just up and go and let her deal with her "frosty" self. Hopefully she would see that you are trying to become a better person and her heart will soften.

Let her know that no matter what, you love her and that nothing will change that.

[jolee65]

I think we all have a story to tell when it comes to family and friends getting in the way of the church.

My mom became a member she seen how it changed my life she was baptized and sealed in the temple held a calling the whole nine yards but she thought she could convert my oldest sister and found out how much she didnt know about the teachings , she couldnt back up her beliefs, so she quit the church she thought she was going to effect my but heck I know what I feel, I went to visit my sister she started in on me I just told her flat out its NOBODYS business where i go to church its not my job to explain why I beleive what I believe and im not going to end of conversation.

I did let my mom know she tryed it with me and she was upset that she did that, lol go figure.

Your situation is a sticky one I agree talking to the leaders of the church is where I would go. Being prompted to go back is a strong feeling and unless shes telling you its over if you continue to go then dont discuss it with her just get up on Sunday and go, im sure she knows whats going on.

[countrygirl66]

I am sorry for the difficult situation your in. Contention in a marriage can be so difficult to deal with. I don't know if this will help or not, but here goes. My s/in law became active and went through the temple a few years ago. My brother gave her a really hard time about it. He beleives that all churches want is your money and wanted nothing to do with them. She kept at it. She was finally able to figure out that my brother was afraid 1 - the church would take his money 2 - that she wouldn't think he was good enough for her anymore 3- that she would expect him to change because she has 4 - that the church would take over their lives 5 - that the church would make him their new conversion project. None of these things happened and as time has gone on, he has seen the blessing his son and d/inlaw have from the church and temple blessings. He has 3 other kids not members. They have had a much harder time. My brother has never joined the church (though I hold out hope). His wife wishes that he would give it a chance. But as of now he is happy to let her do what he calls the church thing. I think a lot of his frustration stems from him not wanting to be different or live differently. (his nick name in the family is uncle f bomb) sorry didn't meant to be offensive but that is who is is for now. Take care.

[HoosierGuy]

Are you praying about this? Are you praying to Heavenly Father and asking him to let your wife be accepting in your desire to attend services? Maybe you could do something your wife has been wanting to do for a long time - clean the fence line, paint a room, fix the window, etc... Do it and say you did not only do it to please your wife but to please Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Say the Church gave you the strength to do it.

[ElderJAR]

I dont remember the story exactly, but there was this asian man that was in the military or something and learned about the church, and was about to go home (maybe to korea or something) and he told President Hinckley that his family would proabably disown him and stuff and President asked him "are you willing to make such a sacrifice?" The man asked President Hinckley "Is it true?" and President Hinckley responded "yes", and the man with tears in his eyes replied "then what else matters?". A lot of times when there are problems like this then it may be a good idea to say to yourself..."if it's true, then what else matters?" If there's no other way to fix it...dont let her hold your eternal salvation down.

[ruthiechan]

She has no right to tell you to go or not go to church. Freedom of religion is one of our fundamental rights as Americans. That is something you must do for yourself and decide for yourself. If it were me, I would just up and go and let her deal with her "frosty" self. Hopefully she would see that you are trying to become a better person and her heart will soften.

Let her know that no matter what, you love her and that nothing will change that.

I disagree with this approach. It is a very contentious attitude.

Patience and love is the only way to manage this situation.

[SMG]

I disagree with this approach. It is a very contentious attitude.

Patience and love is the only way to manage this situation.

Be that as it may, it is one of my *personal pet peeves* to see someone's legal rights impeded, that is all. No offense meant, nor taken, I hope you can somewhat see my perspective.

[Starfish]

Hmmmm. Tough one. I think I'd work on keeping my marriage intact. I don't believe it's an "either-or" situation. She married an inactive Mormon and expects that to stay as is. That's what she bargained for.

However, the Spirit is pulling you back. So consider doing all you can to be close to the Church without upseting your wife. BE THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD--or at least the best you can be. Be loving, considerate, kind, gentle, etc. etc. At the same time, read the BoM, study, read the Ensign online. She will notice a difference in you and eventually, through your prayers, she will soften.

Don't be dishonest. Don't sneak around. Don't go behind her back. But do pray & fast. Miracles happen! They really do. Be patient.

Edited November 10, 2008 by Starfish

[ruthiechan]

Hmmmm. Tough one. I think I'd work on keeping my marriage intact. I don't believe it's an "either-or" situation. She married an inactive Mormon and expects that to stay as is. That's what she bargained for.

However, the Spirit is pulling you back. So consider doing all you can to be close to the Church without upseting your wife. BE THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD--or at least the best you can be. Be loving, considerate, kind, gentle, etc. etc. At the same time, read the BoM, study, read the Ensign online. She will notice a difference in you and eventually, through your prayers, she will soften.

Don't be dishonest. Don't sneak around. Don't go behind her back. But do pray & fast. Miracles happen! They really do. Be patient.

Amen.

[rayhale]

Would you let your spouse, or one of your children, go to another religious church? How about another faith all together; like if he or she goes to a Buddhist temple, or a Jewish synagogue; or become a Muslim?

I would, however I would tell him or her, my beliefs and tell them that I don’t agree with their beliefs, yet I would never disown them, and I would even drive them, or make sure that they have a way to get to their place of worship.

[declanr]

I've been inactive for many years, and decided that I wanted to go back to church, I went once a few weeks ago, and loved it, but my wife was very upset that I had gone and now doesn't want me to go at all.

She's managed to engineer things so that I have not been able to go for the last few weeks; I told her that I wanted to go this Sunday and she got very upset about it, she wants me to find another church as she has decided that she doesn't like LDS, I'm unsure why she doesn't as she can't give any particular reason, and knows almost nothing about the church, and doesn't want me (or anyone else) to explain anything to her, she even refuses to look online at *any* site about the church (not even negative ones).

I only mentioned my church membership in passing when we started seeing each other, and it didn't matter much to her then as I had lost my testimony and didn't want to go on Sundays or live life as a church member should.

I'm not sure what I should do, I've tried praying, a lot, and am still unsure. I am sure that if I just up an go to church that I will come home to a very frosty reception.

I am not a member, just an investigator FYI. But I have seen a simliar situation with my best friend, his wife decided to become "re-born" all of the sudden, and it put his family through some turmoil, he is now divorced, and his young son pays the biggest price. She insisted he go to church with her, he refused, she would pray for him, see her church leaders about him, try to get other members over to "be friend" him. All of this had a very negative effect on him, he felt extremely disrespected as a person, and felt that his wife was no longer the person he married. They went to counseling, but ultimately it had to end, I think a larger issue besides her attempted conversion attempts were about how to raise the son. He wanted the son to get a more rounded education, and not pigeon hole him into a faith as a child.

I dont know if that helps you in any way, just my observations. I think communication is key, and I would avoid trying to bring her to your bishop for advice, go to a neutral source for counseling, so she does not feel ganged up on and work it out.

Good Luck

Dec

[Nappaljarri]

I think she's testing you. The way you explain it, it sounds like she a bit manipulative. Manipulative people will do allin their power to have control. But deep down, all women need to have a man who puts their foot down on issues, else he is really not a man. This is a good issue to put your foot down (ever so lightly) and humbly express that you have a choice and you are choosing to go to church (if that is your choice). There are lots of things she can threaten you with, but until you make your decision ans stick by it, how do you know she will go through with any threats?

[Maya]

I agree with Photo, dont push stuff on her. You need to consider her feelings, but not so much that they tramp yours! Statrt having a familyevening and do something nice every time... not religious stuff... if it cant be importet very sneeky in the stuff you are doing.

Good luck I hope you can make it... and find out the reasons why she si against, but do it carefully.

Anyway I have noticed that most men who have a wife outside the church get them in sooner or later, but most women that marry outside.... they try so to please the guy that they become inactive and if they get active again it leads to devorce.

[Guest monol1th]

Thank you for prayers and comments.

My wife has still not asked me any questions about the church, and its not a welcome topic of conversation. As far as I know she has not looked at anything online either.

I'd like to give her the opportunity to read about The Church if she wants, and to that end I have stared a Church section on one of our bookshelves.

So far I have:

BoM (Missionary Edition)

True to the Faith

Gospel Principles

BoM Gospel Doctrine Teacher's Guide

I'm looking for suggestions for other books that I could add to the collection with her as the intended audience.

Thanks,

Mono

[ztodd]

I like using seminary or institute manuals as study guides- like using the church history institute manual while studying the Doc & Cov.

[hiddentreasures]

What about the Ensign? If you get it she might be likely to pick it up and read a quick article or two.